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15 big predictions for the third-party E3 2015 press conferences

Added: 04.06.2015 17:00 | 24 views | 0 comments

Aaand here we are. The final part of out marathon series of predictions articles for E3 2015. is done. Who's left? Everyone else. It's not all about the platform-holders, after all. Those guys make the boxes, and push the shiniest, tentpole games, but we have a whole industry of other, friendly global megacorps vying for our attention each and every day. So let's give them a bit of attention, shall we?

EA? Ubisoft? Square-Enix? What do you guys have for us? What's that? You're not going to answer until the show? Well, we're just going to have to throw out some ideas of our own then. Really good ones, that everyone should read.

The conference will go off without a hitch, complete with pulse-pounding cinematic trailers and polished demos touted as being available on the show floor. For the finale, the presenter announces that the Doom beta will be immediately available to the public, and walks off stage as a five-second promo video for The Elder Scrolls 6 appears on screen.

The conference concludes to the sound of rapturous weeping. Some chairs are thrown in hysterical fervor. One person leaves the room on fire, and doesn’t even care.

Towering over Yves Guillemot and using her well-earned credibility to protect the Ubi CEO from his own awkwardness, Aisha Tyler tries her best to act like everything is perfectly normal, as several overweight Ubisoft producers try to breakdance to a song from Just Dance 43 (or whatever we’re on now).

As one of the ‘dancers’ spasms wildly around on the floor to All About That Bass, like a cow that’s fallen onto an electrified fence, the audience prays for a yawning chasm to open up under their seats and swallow them forever.

Dark Souls and its sequel are two of the biggest critical wins Bandai Namco has scored in years. We imagined all kinds of glum faces and desk kicking when it was announced that Sony had snagged From Software’ spiritual successor, Bloodborne, but we also expect that frown to be turned upside down at this year’s E3.

You see the thing is, for all of Bloodborne’s fantastic gameplay evolutions and entrancing, arcanely captivating new lore, the Souls fandom is still incredibly strong. Those games are so dense - and so different to Bloodborne, despite their philosophical similarities - that there’s more than enough room for both series to co-exist. Bandai Namco will not want to let a fanbase like that go, so do not at all be surprised to discover that it has commissioned From to make a new one, though do not expect ‘main’ series director Hidetaka Miyazaki to be at the reigns. He’s likely busying himself with Bloodborne’s expansions.

After the resounding ‘Yay! Wait, what? Ohhh...’ reaction to Hitman; Absolution’s ‘tweaks’ to the series’ classic formula, Square-Enix and IO will be eager to redress the balance and re-convince old slaphead’s fanbase that they’re still capable of delivering the Machiavellian goods (before walking nonchalantly away, unnoticed, as a huge explosion goes off, killing all the most vocal detractors).

Expect Hitman: Whatever This One’s Called to be revealed by way of a lengthy, in-depth demo showcasing the Blood Money-style focus on dynamic, mini-open-world plotting, and the multitudinous ways Agent 47 can off people undetected, while wearing a variety of goofy disguises. Though, this being E3, there will be at least one major shoot-out and cinematic detonation sequence, which IO will spend the next two weeks reiterating is not indicative of the way the whole game works.

Our first taste of was impressive, no doubt, but it was heavy on the highly choreographed, pre-rendered cyberpunk action. As in, zero gameplay footage was shown. Don't count on a live on-stage demo during Square-Enix’s press conference, either. What's more likely is a sizzle reel of the different approaches Adam Jensen can take to defuse the same one situation, intercut with cinematics filled with big orange explosions and golden bloom lighting. This trailer will be bookended by a way-too-self-serious developer positing questions about the morality of mechanical augmentation in the year 2029. Absolutely no mention of '#CantKillProgress' will be made.

In an ingenious marketing move, Square-Enix will hand out replicas of Jensen's trademark slide-in sunglasses on the show floor, dominating social media as fans take countless selfies while doing their best 'I didn't ask for this' pose. This will all backfire when one pair of these slick shades inevitably takes someone's eye out.

In lieu of actual gameplay, the trailer will consist entirely of slow, panning shots of stars. And planets, and general outer space stuff. Meanwhile, an old man with a really craggley voice will spout vague lines of narration about humanity transcending its limits and reaching the next stage of evolution, et cetera.

No one will have any idea what this is all about until the word "Shepherd" gets dropped in and the camera slow pans to reveal a broken down Mass relay - at which point the entire internet explodes.

Because that’s just what we do now. If a big franchise is a way off its next entry, you bang out the old ones with shinier graphics and a better frame-rate. And in the former case, spend most of the development time fixing the goddamn Mako. Please. No really, you do. Please. This will finally cement 'The Nights' by Avicii as the 'Dragula' of the modern age. The internet is still buzzing about the next Mirror's Edge game, though all EA and DICE have shown off are a few bits of concept art, a release window, and a trailer assuring everyone it's going to be so cool, you don't even know.

While Star Wars Battlefront will absolutely be the golden child of EA's press conference, those context-free images will be more than enough to keep everyone ticking over until next year. Hey, it’s Mirror’s Edge. When have vague promises ever not worked for a fanbase that rabid?

As of now, the advertising for Assassin's Creed Syndicate has primarily revolved around its main character Jacob Frye, and largely ignored its other main character, his sister, Evie. Ubisoft has promised more of Evie in the weeks to come, and will certainly make good on that promise this E3.

Expect an effect-heavy trailer that confirms her existence with no hint of how her abilities will translate to gameplay, because that will be saved for the real Evie reveal. At Gamescom. But the soundtrack will be sick.

It will contain five minutes of footage from old Kingdom Hearts games, and twenty seconds from the actual game they're showing off. Not one of those twenty seconds will involve gameplay. The release date will be replaced with an illustration of Nomura flipping everyone the bird.

You know, like every other Kingdom Hearts trailer.

Since its announcement at Microsoft's E3 2014 press conference, Rise of the Tomb Raider has acted as one of MS’s signature exclusives, earning itself a feature spot in the most recent Xbox TV ad. Yet usual publisher Square-Enix has apparently forgotten that Lara exists, if its non-existent advertising campaign for Rise is anything to go by.

With titles like Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy 15, and Just Cause 3 on the books for this year, the chances are that won't change this coming E3. Looks like Lara will only be getting love from Microsoft. Millions of dollars worth of love.

Though afterwards they will not acknowledge that they have done this, and look with confused expressions at any journalist who asks about it. The game will continue to exist only in realms beyond our understanding for years, perhaps centuries, to come.

Should the proper incantations ever be uttered however, it may actually, one day, cross over into our universe. It will release on the same day as the inevitable Prince of Persia reboot, and the cycle shall begin anew.

The company will hold a “live” Battlefront match on-stage, which will feature Y-wings dropping bombs on AT-ATs as Darth Vader and Boba Fett mow down legions of Rebel troops. It will be awesome, and cinematic, and rousing, and make everyone forget the truth that in real game conditions they’ll probably spend half their time running to somewhere, only to be sniped by an enemy miles across the map.

The presentation will also tease Visceral Games’ Star Wars entry via a trailer that shows a man strapping on various pieces of armor as a gravely voice states that he is “the last,” he is “the sword,” he is … a bounty hunter. Fade in on Boba Fett’s helmet being picked up. Cut to black. An EA spokesperson asks the audience, “How many of you out there liked Star Wars Galaxies?!” Three of us let out feverish hooting, our eyes wide. “...Nevermind!” say EA, as the show continues.

Remember Wet? The Bethesda-published game starred Rubi Malone, a “problem solver” whose favorite answer to a pop quiz was two smoking barrels and blood-soaked katanas? Sure the first game didn’t garner much praise from consumers or press, but it has a devoted fanbase, and with the recent rise of strong female action protagonists like Katniss Everdeen and Marvel’s Black Widow, there’s no better time for a comeback.

Come back to us, Rubi. Please. Some of us still care.



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