Well, I’m Henry Gilbert and I’m here to say I dislike bad rap in a major way! If you wanna have rhymes that sound real cool, don’t put in these games and look like a fool... What you just read is an example of the dangers of thinking you’re cool enough to spit dope lyrics with the best of them. You end up looking like an out of touch nerd. It’s an experience games know all too well, as they’ve played host to some of the worst music in hip hop history.
When you’re working on a game, penning some original rhymes covering the excellence of your title and/or mascot makes sense in the moment. Unfortunately, 99% of these custom rap songs are doomed to be dated the instant the title is released (if not sooner). Read on to experience the worst crimes against hip hop that games have ever committed...
Worst lyric:
This one feels slightly unfair, mainly because the producers of this fighting game’s soundtrack are (very likely) non-native English speakers. Still, the above brag is such a weird one, because basketball legend Michael Jordan isn’t really known for slinging rhymes. NBA greats like Shaq and Allen Iverson have been known to spit a verse, but less so for MJ. Most of the rest of the lyrics are near-unintelligible - “Make some lyrics like the bass with the treble” (?). I mean that they’re both hard to make out, and don’t make sense even when the words are clear. Also, while the hook and bridge are nice, it feels like they repeat about five times in one minute. I know the song is called Stimulation, but slow your roll, CvS2.
Worst lyric:
This corny rap is the intro song to DK’s N64 debut, and Rare probably designed it to be lame. And they did too good a job too! This kid-friendly song laboriously introduces us to each playable character with clunky lyrics - “Inflate himself just like a balloon, This crazy Kong just digs this tune!” Good job sneaking in that boast about your song, guys. The DK Rap then concludes with the above words, sweatily cobbling together “pineapple smells,” as if that’s a phrase any human has ever said. The song sets the tone early for this cornball game, and I give Rare bonus credit for sneaking “hell” into the original version of the game (subsequently it was rewritten as “heck”) showing little disregard for the sensibilities of Nintendo’s audience.
Worst lyric:
Platinum Games is one of my favorite developers, and the custom, lyric-heavy soundtracks are usually one of their strongest attributes. This song is up there with its weaker offerings, though, and it isn’t helped by being the theme for the annoying, problematic Black Baron character. The song is very fitting for the grating, over-the-top character, even specifically referencing things like Baron’s violent girlfriend and the tilted brim of his hat. But it’s a little too slick, just like the character. Credit where it’s due: I really like “You just sealed your fate. On the holidays that'll be one less plate,” because it conjures up a sad family during a Thanksgiving meal. It’s a visual far too many rappers overlook.
Worst lyric:
Wiz Khalifa is a legit rapper and he does a fine job with this wrasslin’ game’s promotional hip hop, so he’s not the issue here. My main gripe is with John Cena, the omnipresent WWE superstar who’s also on the cover of the game. He got his start as a parody of lame rappers, then somehow became a non-joke rapper with a groan-worthy entrance song. All Day is his return to the studio after years of not-rapping, and in it, we hear more of what we weren’t missing. Cena’s rhymes are more like spoken phrases said with the requisite amount of intensity his brand requires, “I’m about to go on trial, murdering instrumentals,” is another example of his flat verse. John is as average as ever, but at least it only lasts for a fraction of the song, limiting the exposure to his awfulness.
Worst lyric:
It’s weird to feel pity for a hall of fame NBA player like Scottie Pippen, but I kinda do. Pippen won six championships with the Chicago Bulls, but he was always overshadowed by teammates like Michael Jordan and Dennis Rodman. Perhaps Scottie thought he’d finally breakout of their orbit by starring in his own game, but the resulting Slam City is an FMV Sega CD release, guaranteeing obscurity. The monotonous ‘Get Respect’ opening song fits the unmemorable vibe, with bland platitudes about how one goes about earning respect. As the above lyric states, if you’re beaten, then you didn’t bring your best shot. Sadly, the next obvious statement wasn’t, “if you think you see the sky, but it isn’t blue, that’s wrong too.”
Worst lyric:
As someone who lived in America in 2001, I can tell you that post-September 11 was a really weird time for all of us. People reacted in strange ways to this new stage of the War on Terror, and that includes crappy shooters with terrible rap over the credits. Fugitive Hunter is the type of cheaply made game that is only memorable for being exceptionally bad (and for including a level where you actually kill Osama bin Laden) and the end credits theme is just as blunt in its response. The words come fast and furious, describing all the ways the wordsmiths will sneak into terrorist hideouts and hunt down the bad guys, with the phrase “Fugitive Hunter” droning on top of it all. Someone should check with the members of Seal Team Six to see how accurately these lyrics compare to actually hunting Bin Laden down.
Worst lyric:
Even the most stoic Sonic apologist will admit that most of the series’ music features lyrics are in the ‘so bad it’s good’ category - and I mean that as a half-compliment. That’s the case with the ludicrous rap and jazz fusion that is Knuckle’s theme in Sonic Adventure. The songwriters seem to approach the song with a list of Knuckles attributes, talking over and over and over again about how he’s a loner, tough, and out to cleanse evil. The hip hop breaks are the weakest part of all, doubling up on explanations like “I'll give you the colder shoulder, My spikes go through boulders.” Even a jazzy saxaphone solo can’t mask how incredibly uncool Knuckles looks when this tune is over. Or, indeed, while it’s playing. Fun fact: The rapping is done by the original voice of Parappa the Rapper, who has much better material!
Worst lyric:
One of Dead Island’s main characters is a rapper, so hearing at least one tune by Sam B. is unavoidable. And like many rappers, his rhymes reflect the world around him, in this case a tropical paradise full of animated corpses. Sam B. has some very grisly lines about the undead that surround him - “Shrunken heads, broken legs, body parts on the concrete” is another winner. Still, call me overly sensitive, but what I hate most is the constant use of word ‘bitch’ in this song. In fact, the chorus uses the word a half-dozen times, acting like you can rhyme a word with itself constantly and not look like a hack. Beyond feeling openly misogynist, constantly repeating “Who do you Voodoo, bitch?” bothers me as a professional writer/human being.
Those are the worst crimes against hip hop that I could chronicle today, but I'm always looking for more awesomely bad rap. If you'd like to share some that I missed, let me know in the comments!
And if you're looking for more tuneful features, read/listen to
...is a great woman. That's how the old axiom goes, and it's no more true anywhere than in video games. Yes, the medium might have a reputation for poorly representing female characters, while promoting dull-headed, overly stoic masculinity as its major protagonist trope, but is any of that really true? Of course not! Games are nothing but a bastion of ultra-modern, equality-focused storytelling, you big idiot!
Just think about how important women are to the biggest action game plots. Without them, nothing happens. Okay, so they might be dead, or die during the course of the story, but that doesn't mean that they're not every bit as respected, well-rounded and meaningful as their related men-folk. There's no tokenistic objectification here. No lazy character motivation, or adherence to dated cliche. No, dead female characters (I'm extending the definition to both girlfriends and ambiguous romantic interests, because this is a healthily eclectic group of characters, not limited by simplistic definitions of matrimony) are just as important as anyone else in video games. BECAUSE THIS IS SERIOUS, MATURE, WELL WRITTEN ART, Y'ALL. So let's have a word with them, shall we?
Killed in: Gears of War 2, by Dom, as a mercy-killing.
Would probably say: "Okay, so I was kidnapped by a race of inhuman monsters, kept underground, hidden away from daylight and all I held dear for years, and eventually tortured into a twisted, mindless husk, residing in a tiny metal coffin before eventually being released only to gasp my first breath of fresh(ish) air in God knows how long immediately before having my brains blown out. But let’s face it, the really sad part about all of this is how it caused a few mild problems in Dom’s friendship with his meat-headed military buddy. Causing frictions in masculine, male friendships. That’s the true tragedy wrought by the Locust.
"Don’t worry about me. I was barely even in the story to begin with."
Killed in: Double Dragon 2, right at the start.
Would probably say: "So I get kidnapped. Billy and Jimmy mount a rescue attempt. That was kind of cool of them. But what happens when they arrive? Do they call the police? An ambulance? Even check I’m alright? No, they stick their idiot chests out and have a fight to see who ‘gets’ me. Nice. I mean I only have a couple of cracked ribs, and I don’t think there's any internal bleeding, so you guys carry on. Not like I need any say in who I end up with anyway.
"Well, it's not like I get any say in anything any more, seeing as how I got shot dead pretty soon afterwards. It's almost like I'm not actually a real person at all, and more a cheap excuse for Billy and Jimmy to beat people up. "
Killed in: Final Fantasy 7, by Sephiroth
Would probably say: "Wow, that sword came out of nowhere. Totally unexpected. I mean I know Sephiroth was a bit of a dick, but that was entirely unwarranted. Come on, I’d barely even done anything. Seriously, try to remember anything significant I’d said or done at that point. Recall a single line of my dialogue. I was completely inoffensive. Hell, if I was going to get meta about this, I’d say it was almost as if I was a barely sketched up cliché of submissive, victimised femininity, designed only to elicit sympathetic, protective feelings from male onlookers.
"No, I’m being paranoid now. That would make my very existence, and by association my death, only relevant in terms of creating artificial angst and narrative drive for the second part of the story, and that’d just be ridiculousThough I did die about halfway through… Hmm... Hang the fuck on a minute…"
Killed in: God of War, by Kratos, in an oblivious war rage.
Would probably say: "You know what’s really frustrating about this whole thing? I was about to leave the bald-headed boar anyway. He was just such a tedious, one-dimensional, perpetually angry dickhead. No depth to him at all. Such a self-indulgent grunt. It was like his view of masculinity hadn’t evolved since he was a teenager. No way I could raise a family with someone like that. By great Zeus’ beard, I bet my death was the most interesting thing that had ever happened to him. I mean how notable would he have been, really, if killing me and the kids hadn’t set off that little tantrum of his?
"Never mind the plans I had for moving away and setting up my own business, or how excited the kids were about moving to the coast, just as long as Kratos got his foot on the career ladder and had an excuse to not grow the fuck up for another few years. Yeah, that’s what we should be focusing on here. As ever."
Killed in: Dante's Inferno, by some middle-eastern assassin, off-camera, because she didn't really matter to the story until she died.
Would probably say: "I was a teacher in the village before I died. I also sat on the town council (while the men were away at the Crusades, naturally), was instrumental in sorting out the new water supply, helped several of the area’s poor by creating new jobs through the farmland redevelopment programme I initiated, and was also a dogged environmentalist.
"Of course, all of that happened before Dante’s story started, so you won’t know any of it. All you’ll know is that I died with my tits out."
Killed in: Castlevania: Lords of Shadow
Would probably say: "You think he’s a moping, disaffected dick now? Think about this. Pretending my death was reversible was the only way I could persuade him to carry on his quest to save the world. Seriously. That’s why he went all the way to take down Satan. I effectively had to give my life so that millions more could be saved, because he, supposed noble warrior of light, would not get his arse in gear otherwise.
"And he gets the credit. Brilliant."
Killed in: Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor
Would probably say: "This is bullshit. Seriously. What the fuck? I was nothing if not dutiful. Cartoonishly so, if you consider my offer to ‘fess up for Talion’s crimes before I died. And that whole ‘be brave, we’ll be together in the next life’ schtick. And all that submissive bullshit when we were talking about moving away to build a better life for our son. Sweet crap, who the hell actually behaves like that? That's some just plain unbelievable idealistic bullshit there. I mean there’s being selfless, and then there’s not even existing except as an appendage of one’s husband.
"Did any of those orcs even know my name before I died? Did anyone? I’m pretty sure it didn’t come up. Not that anyone asked. Like, at all. And it’s not like things improved afterwards, either. Did I get offered any glowy-eyed vengeance? Nope, that’s all for Talion. Apparently this isn't about me. I can actually see why Beatrice - that's her name, by the way - thought about hooking up with Lucifer. Of course it's all about Dante, and Kratos, and Talion, and the rest of those moping pricks. Total horseshit."
See, ladies? See how good you have it video games these days? Hell, some of you even get to fire guns. Truly, we are living in the age of enlightenment.
Christ, I can't carry on with this. Shall we just move onto some links? Good. Have a look at . Because why the hell not?
2015 will be an important one for gaming. Newer systems like the PS4 and Xbox One will be entering into their prime years, the multiplatform games should finally have a handle on the fresh hardware, and Nintendo and Steam will likely host experiences you can’t find anywhere else. All told, there’s an impressive list of , and this page will list each, one month at a time.
Looking back on January, it’s was admittedly a pretty dry month of releases, but that’s to be expected after the holidays. Still, there was something worthwhile to play at the start of the year - even if the two best games are both remakes. Read on to see both the winner and runner-up for the best game in January.
Grim Fandango is, without a doubt, one of the most unique video games ever made. The quest of an undead travel agent as he attempts to atone for his sins is a love letter to film noir greats like Casablanca and The Maltese Falcon, but it also transcends its influences to be something truly original. And with the Remastered edition, you'll finally get to play this lost classic on your PlayStation 4, complete with (some) updated graphics and a fantastic re-recording of the original score.
Grim Fandango is also one of the most uniquely frustrating games ever made, and the Remastered edition only serves to highlight its many game-ruining bugs. Whether it's glitching out a puzzle, clipping you through a wall, or just flat out crashing, Grim Fandango Remastered actually seems buggier now than it did 17 years ago. Make no mistake: Manny's journey is still definitely one worth revisiting - just remember to save your game. Often.
sounds kinda ridiculous at first - it's literally a remastered HD version of a rebuilt SD version of the original Resident Evil. Turns out the joke's on us, though, because that's all we really needed to enjoy the survival horror staple all over again: the HD Remake gives all the main characters and the Spencer Mansion an enticing facelift but keeps the little quirks that make Resident Evil awesome/a total headache/undeniably unique.
You'll still need to manage eight (at most) inventory slots, and you'll still need to keep your distance from downed zombies - or preferably burn them on the spot. The most major change is the new default control scheme, which makes it handle more like a modern fixed-camera game, but you're free to select the old 'tank' controls if you want. With modern conveniences where it needs them and good old weirdness where it doesn't, Resident Evil HD Remake is a near masterpiece… of unlocking.
Those are the first games that made a mark in 2015, but they won't be the last. Stay tuned to this page to see what will are the best games for every month this year. I'm sure the answers will surprise you.
For formation on 2015's releases, be sure to check out the
It seemed like such a good idea at the time. You saw a trailer for the latest gotta-have-it game, or saw some bad-ass box art at the local game store, and you said to yourself “I'm going to own this thing, no matter what”. So you sell off all your worldly possessions, take your latest acquisition home, fire it up and - wait a minute. This game is garbage. And thanks to most stores' absurdly inflexible return policies, well, you're now out $60 / £45.
It sucks when you drop hard-earned cash on a game that ultimately ends up being a complete waste. Even worse is when you shell out hundreds of dollars for the latest hotness only for the price to get sliced to ribbons literally a day after you buy the damn thing. Don't worry, because we've been there too. Each editor has detailed the most regrettable gaming purchase they've ever made. They say money can't buy happiness, but it sure as heck can pick up a family-sized portion of disappointment.
I have a sketchy history with Nintendo consoles. They're the single, dark source of my gaming buyer's remorse. Despite buying and loving the Gamecube because it played Resident Evil 4 and Wind Waker, my console largely collected dust for a couple of years, before I traded it in against a (much more widely used) Xbox.
I tried to get back into the Ninty spirit with a DS, but despite sinking a few hours into Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin and Phoenix Wright, I ended up ditching it after a year. And my recent 3DS purchase? Even worse. Bought it seven months ago, haven't played it for six. No, I can't explain it. Yes, I realise that I'm probably the only person alive who doesn't find infinite joy in Mario and his pals. I may have a problem…
Back in 1998, Sega Saturn was dying. I had played all of the good games available in the UK, but didn't have my Saturn chipped so I couldn't play import games. So I started looking at 'lower tier' games. And then I did the most stupid thing ever. I traded my copy of Daytona CCE and another game (I think it was Manx TT Superbike)… for this.
As soon as I loaded it up, I realised I'd made a huge mistake. The game was choppy, glitchy, and full of pop-in. Amid the countless ovals, it had one (just one) decent track, Ranch Tower, which my dad and I played in split-screen and did get a lot of fun out of. But if your car flipped in two-player mode, it had no undertray. It was a hollow shell. Dreadful quality, especially compared to the beautiful games I had traded (that the shop refused to give back). To make matters worse, my mum pointed out in rightful indignation that Daytona had been a Christmas present. I was ashamed.
My most regrettable gaming purchase had to be Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex. Up to that point, I was the biggest Crash fan. It was one of the few games on the PlayStation that I could actually play and not become violently ill. I played all of them. I did speed runs. I collected every damn piece of fruit. And I even cheered as Crash did his little pelvic thrust dance. Hell, I even owned the toys made by Resaurus. One of the main reasons I bought the PS2 was to play the latest game in the series
And then I actually played it. Or I at least tried to. All of the magic that the fine folks at Naughty Dog had made was gone and I was heartbroken. No longer did I delight in hanging out with my favorite Bandicoot. No more riding on tigers, sliding on ice, bad guys with huge foreheads, or weirdly sexualized dances to make me giggle. On top of it, the new game mechanics made me sick. I felt so betrayed and still feel the sadness.
Now, I'm sure we've all rented bad games and suffered through them when we were younger. You only have enough cash to rent one new game over the weekend, so you’d better get your money's worth. Plus, there's something uniquely entertaining about the rage a truly awful game induces. But the one time I rented Glover when I was 13 was so disappointing that it taught me an important lesson about the value of a dollar.
The latest issue of Nintendo Power made it seem so interesting, and being an N64 owner with literally nothing else to play, I went down to Blockbuster and spent my weekly allowance on a rental. And wow, it was such a mediocre experience that I literally have no recollection of it other than the fact that it inspired me to be more responsible with my money. Real exciting stuff, I know. I played it for a couple of hours, looked sullenly at the TV screen, and switched off my N64 with a sigh. It felt like my eyes had finally opened up; like I'd just stepped out of the Matrix and into the real world for the first time, knowing that there's no going back.
I remember this dark day of my childhood well. The game: a complete copy of Chrono Trigger. The trade: Captain America and The Avengers (on SNES, just the cartridge) and $40. Rarely a day goes by that I don't kick myself for this MIND-BREAKING, RAGE-INDUCING MISTAKE of a trade. How did it come to this? Well, I'd finished Chrono Trigger several times and knew the game like the back of my hand. At the same time, there was an arcade cabinet for Captain America at my local video store, and I was getting sick of pouring quarters into it.
So I figured, "What the hell, I'll just trade away one of the greatest Japanese role-playing games of all time complete in box with manual and little bonus map inserts for some mediocre beat-'em-up that I played maybe twice before getting bored." Yep. Yuuuup. That's a thing that happened; good job younger Max. Today, a complete copy of Chrono Trigger fetches a pretty penny on eBay, but what really bums me out is that I don't have access to my old save data. It would be fascinating to go back and see what I named all my characters, how long I played, where I stopped, and so on. Such a waste.
It's painful how recently this one happened, but it seems the conditions were just right. As the release of the new Thief game approached in 2014, I started pondering whether or not I should pre-order it. I hadn't played the previous Thief games, but I had seen them in action, and knew that Dishonored (which is among my personal top ten games ever) was heavily inspired by the Thief franchise.
After checking out gameplay footage and mulling it over for a while, I decided I would take the gamble and pre-ordered it the day before release. I really wanted the pre-order bonus mission and also I am an idiot. I was quickly disillusioned with the weird story and lackluster gameplay (which, funny enough, felt like a poor man's Dishonored) and traded it in as soon as I could. I got $20 of my original pre-order back. Ugh. Garrett really is the world's greatest thief.
After a few weeks of hearing how great Halo 4 is, I was convinced that this would be the installment that got me back into the Halo multiplayer fold (having completely ignored online play since Combat Evolved on PC). So I pick up a copy after work one day and excitedly hurry home to play it with some ex-GR staff. Coop, Ryan, and Brian invite me to their Xbox Live party, and within minutes, we're in the thick of combat.
And by God, am I bored. I had forgotten how much I hate vehicular combat in my FPS; while racking up a few kills is always fun, having your spree ended by a shell from a distant Scorpion tank most certainly is not. I don't remember who said it, but someone sheepishly suggested "Do you guys just want to go back to playing Black Ops 2?" We all agreed in unison. Ten minutes later, we were back to picking off UAVs and calling in Killstreaks. That was the first and last time I ever played my copy of Halo 4, and I seriously doubt I'll go back. How about that: 60 bones for one hour of disinterest.
I feel so, so conflicted saying that I regret my Game Boy Advance. Firstly, my mom was the one who actually spent money on it (hey, I was ten at the time). Secondly, I loved so many of the games: WarioWare, Mega Man Battle Network, Metroid Fusion, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (which is how I finally finished one of my favorite games of all time). But wait a minute… I didn't actually finish A Link to the Past on Game Boy Advance. I finished it on Game Boy Advance SP. Just like almost all of my other GBA games.
Much as it pains me to say it, my life would have been better if I'd just waited for GBA SP's gloriously backlit screen to illuminate it. My vision is still OK a decade or so later, but just imagine how much better it would be if I hadn't strained over the original's inscrutable grey mirror for hours. I could probably see for miles!
I hate to kick someone when they’re down, but paying $500 for an Xbox One bundled with Kinect has to be my most regrettable purchase. In 2013, buying it made so much sense. First off, I felt I needed both an Xbox One and a PS4 on launch day as part of my profession. And even though the last thing I ever needed in my life was a Kinect, it was being touted as integral to the console, so I took it in my stride, figuring it’d work great in the coming months. Less than a year later, and Kinect was stripped out of the box and most of its functionality was pushed aside.
You can imagine my frustration. It was a bit like an architect showing me a completed house that looked great, except it was a little more than my budget, and had one room I wasn’t too fond of. Instead of fixing that room, the architect burned it all to the ground and started over after publicly firing half the construction team. He then sold the new house to someone else for a fifth off the asking price. That’s basically the pain of being an early Xbox One owner.
I made the mistake of buying a game called Earth Defense Force 2025. At the time, all I heard were good things about it and it's cooperative gameplay. I was in desperate need of a good co-op game, so I bought it. Never have I been so disappointed by a game in my life. The frame rate chugged so bad I could hardly play it. Everything was delayed and slow. It was like playing a highly demanding PC game on a low-end computer. I found myself helplessly crying out "Noooooooooooo" as if I were running in slow-motion as a giant ant devoured my avatar each time I failed.
Did I mention that there was a co-op mode? Good grief yes! A co-op mode! As if the game wasn't struggling to process all the events happening in single player. Can you imagine it trying to display both players at the same time? It ran even slower and after about two minutes of torture, I turned the game off. Purchase value: $59.99, Trade in Value: $16.00, The look on my face: Priceless.
Think of these stories as one part cautionary tale, one part therapy session. Have you made any purchases that gave you an almost instant feeling of buyer's remorse? Or have you had the rug pulled out from under you with a sudden price drop? Let us know in the comments!
Looking for more? Perhaps you could swing over here and let us know
We all need a vacation sometimes. Whether you go off on a big adventure, visit family back home, or just refuse to leave your apartment for an extended period of time, it's tough to overstate how much a nice, long break can improve your quality of life. Yeah, it may be tough to get back to real life afterwards, but chances are your time off will be apparent in the quality of your work. Unless you really hate your job… in which case, sorry.
That doesn't just apply for people, either. Some of the biggest video game franchises on shelves today (and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that…) could really use a break. I don't mean to be harsh here - it's tough for anyone to keep the creative spark on the same kind of project year in and year out. That's why these franchises deserve to go dark for a bit and come back better than ever.
Resident Evil has always had a kind of kooky backstory, given its endless stream of double crosses and massive corporate/governmental conspiracies. But Resident Evil 6's three (four if you count Ada's sidestory) interjoining campaigns cranked the whole thing up for a sort of narrative judgment day. Clones, amnesia, dead presidents, secret illegitimate children, seemingly endless new varieties of creepy mutant baddies - it was, um, definitely over the top.
That's not necessarily a bad thing - like I said, Resident Evil's always been a bit bonkers. But recently all the twists, turns, and doubling back have gotten a bit tiresome. Frankly, that's one of the reasons I'm looking forward to Resident Evil Revelations 2 - it takes place before Resident Evil 6 and tells its own discrete story with characters we haven't seen much of since the early days of the series. If the franchise itself took a few years off and came back with a reboot, I'd love to see the main cast discover the horror all over again. Minus the clones and dead presidents.
Do you remember back when you could get excited about a game just because it had 'Mario' in the title? Even if you hated tennis or racing games, you knew that no product could bear the plumber's mustachioed visage unless it lived up to Nintendo's stringent standards of accessibility, fun, and challenge (or unless it was a licensed edutainment title like Mario is Missing).
Nowadays, you can be sure that a game with "Mario" in the title… has Mario in it. Also probably Luigi, Peach, and Bowser. You can even be confident that it will be pretty good. But it just doesn't guarantee greatness like it used to. Between Tennis, Golf, Party, Maker, Kart, Olympic Games, New Super Mario Bros., and all the rest, Mario has, like, a Starbucks-level franchising operation going here. And just like Starbucks, that ubiquity can make for mediocrity, even with modern classics like Super Mario 3D World and Mario Kart 8 surfacing with some regularity. It's not too late by any stretch - if Nintendo just reins it in a bit, it could preserve Mario greatness for generations to come.
Did you realize there's been at least one new mainstream Pokemon game every year since 2009? Platinum, Heart Gold/Soul Silver, Black/White, Black/White Version 2, X/Y, and Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire. That's either six or 11 games, depending on whether you count each version as a separate title. Even for a clinically diagnosed Pokemanic, that's a whole lotta Pokemon.
Pokemon's wide world full of monsters to capture, gym leaders to beat, and towns to explore was mindblowing the first time out. And it still has all that! But… it's not really mindblowing any more. I mean, one of the bullet points for Pokemon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire is that you can put Pikachu in a frilly pink dress. Yes, Pikachu is really cute in a frilly pink dress. But the creators and fans alike deserve a new Pokemon game that takes advantage of the last decade and a half of advancements in technology and game design, rather than just building on the same old fundamentals. The only way that's gonna happen is if Pokemon takes a few years off. Yes, it would be a painful wait, but it would be so worth it.
Remember when Battlefield was the freewheeling, massive-online-antics-encouraging underdog to Call of Duty? It still is! It just doesn't feel that way, because months of online issues have taken their toll on Battlefield 4's reputation. In a better world, the most questionable thing about Battlefield 4 would be the term 'Levolution' as we look back on fond memories of .
Now we're coming up on the cool-looking but poorly timed Battlefield Hardline, which is a game about cops breaking the rules to see that justice is done in a culture that's become painfully aware of its militarized police force. That's not going to need a problematic launch to get people angry. I don't expect EA and DICE to cancel Hardline or anything, but maybe this is fate's way of telling them to just, y'know, slow it down a bit… after you ship Star Wars Battlefront, anyway. God, I need me some Battlefront.
Yeah, yeah, you knew this was coming. But seriously. We've been doing this every year since 2006, when Call of Duty 2 released on PC and as a launch game for Xbox 360. Think about that - ever since the beginning of the last console generation, we've gone no longer than 12 months without a new mainstream Call of Duty. To be fair, it would be kind of a shock to stop now. Kids who were in elementary school when they were inadvisably allowed to play the first game are graduating high school now. And they've never had a holiday season without a new Call of Duty since.
But it just can't last forever. Sales seem to be slowing down, giving Activision's relative quiet on the series' recent performance. That's a shame, given GR+'s review - clearly the series still has a lot of fight left as it enters its golden years. It just needs to slow down a bit, or else it might break its hip.
I could talk about how Sonic's lost his way for years, and how the wounded trust and enthusiasm will only heal if given enough time. But far better than I could.
On the other hand, I have a bit more emotional distance from the blue hedgehog. Given enough time, I think Sonic still could come back. In fact, that's the main problem - he just never has enough time. We've gotten at least one new Sonic game every two years ever since 2001 - going from Adventure Battles to Secret Rings to Werehogs to Colors to Lost Worlds to Booms. The poor little guy has been literally run ragged, and he needs to sit down for a minute and drink some Gatorade. Give him and Sonic Team a few years to get their heads right and they can come back and wow us again.
I've got to give Ubisoft credit for annualizing the seemingly unannualizable. Shooters or sports games have an established pattern for this sort of thing, but getting a yearly production line going for a semi-historical open-world action game complete with huge, intricate cities, and a complex plot? That's pretty impressive. Unfortunately, after the buggy and one-step-forward, one-step-back showing that was Assassin's Creed Unity, it looks like the wheels may be coming off.
Assassin's Creed has become an unlikely flagship franchise for Ubisoft, and I'm worried that its goodwill is burning off. Not just for the company's sake, but moreso because I really like the idea of Assassin's Creed. Running around historical cities and rubbing elbows with/killing their important figures is still really cool. But no matter how many thousands of developers you throw at a good idea, sometimes it just needs a little bit more time to breathe. Don't let Assassin's Creed suffocate, Ubisoft.
But really, this is all coming from a place of love. Somebody just needs to get those franchises a pair of oversized novelty sunglasses and a Mai Tai before they work themselves to death. Of course, they're not the only ones who could use a little time out of the spotlight. What franchises do you think need to take a break? Let me know in the comments!
If I see one more game that pits you against a horde of zombies, I'm going to scream. And with the way things are going, it'll be less than a week before I've shredded my vocal cords down to tissue-paper thinness with my constant shrieks of anguish. So often, developers seem content to fall back on such a limited subset of cliched enemies - mainly things like zombies, robots, super-soldiers, aliens, or hellspawn. And with so much oversaturation of these popular baddie archetypes, all those demons, extraterrestrials, and undead now feel about as menacing as an elderly Wal-Mart greeter.
It's time we got some more variety, don't you think? Pitting the player against an unfamiliar kind of opposition can be a risk, but when it pays off, the results are memorable at worst and ingenious at best. So whaddya say, game devs: why not give these underused antagonist themes a try? Maybe one day, they'll have been reused so many times that zombies could - miracle of miracles - actually feel fresh again.
Cthulhu may be H.P. Lovecraft's - but that dude had so much more to give in the 'deeply disturbing imagery' department. Take the human-fish hybrids that populate the fictional town of Innsmouth. This breed of bad guy is essentially a two-for-one deal: they start out as increasingly disfigured cultists, eventually degrading into full-on aquatic mutants. How are they created, you ask? Simple: generations of ungodly breeding between mankind and ancient, underwater creatures called Deep Ones!
Something about that transition from physically repulsive villager to bipedal sushi monster makes them so much more terrifying than your average supernatural aberration. Imagine walking in on a disheveled figure huddled in a corner, who spins around as you draw near to reveal bulging, glassy eyes, webbed hands, and gills forming from the oily creases in their neck fat. I'd take that over yet another reanimated, bloody-mouthed corpse any day!
The current gold standard: Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth
Sure, plenty of video game heroes can recount stories of how they single-handedly foiled an alien invasion, or killed the Devil himself in his own lair. But how many can claim that they were attacked by a sentient sign post? Or got jumped by a Scalding Coffee Cup that burned their flesh with psionic fire powers? I imagine that being suddenly assaulted by an everyday object is at once hilarious and terrifying. Wouldn't it just be so silly if a fire hydrant developed the urge to kill you? And can you imagine the pain of a nozzle cap, propelled by a jetstream of high-pressure water, slamming directly into your skull?
If I walked around a game world only to be accosted by random bits of scenery, I'd probably laugh at the absurdity of it all. But if done correctly, that kind of uncertainty could make every environment feel like it's out to get you. Is that gas station pump looking at me funny? Did those paintings just move? And how did that charred, smoking corpse end up next to an ordinary looking electric guitar?
The current gold standard: Earthbound
You've got to be at least a little crazy to don tights and a snazzy mask, oil yourself up, then jump from the tops of tall posts onto another person's body. So what happens when you take that kind of eccentric individual and give them assault rifles and rocket launchers? Fun. Insane, anarchic, highly explosive fun. Luchadores earn their reputations based on showmanship and impressive stunts, so only the finest gun tricks and snazzy trickshots will suffice. Plus, they're always able to tag in a buddy if the fight's not going their way, forcing you to adapt to uneven odds.
If nothing else, the vibrant, eye-catching attire of the average luchadore can add a splash of color to even the dingiest environment. And while making enemies with these masked wrestlers is incredibly hazardous to your health, luchadores are very honorable opponents (provided they're not heels). If you can impress them with your fighting spirit, you just might make an ally out of your adversary.
The current gold standard: Saints Row: The Third
As any introspective shooter fan will tell you, even the noblest of video game heroes can be classified as a mass murderer (yes, I'm talking about you, Nathan Drake). It sometimes makes you wonder if that gun-wielding guard had a family, or those squealing Grunts you just plasma-sliced developed brotherly bonds during their years of basic training. But what if you could slaughter all those virtual villains completely guilt-free? After all, it's much tougher to feel remorseful when the guy you're strangling to death is a murderous psychopath with a flair for the sadistic. He practically had it coming!
Which feels more righteous to you: gunning down a misguided insurgent in a third-world country, or ending the carnage of a convicted killer by taking his life before even more are lost? I'd go with the latter, personally. And if these particularly nasty criminals like to outfit themselves in freakish outfits, so much the better! People who wear bloodstained masks 24/7 or tattoo the word 'KILL' all over their bodies typically don't have much luck in polite society, anyway.
The current gold standard: Manhunt
Fighting against sickness is a concept that's rarely touched on in games, usually reserved for the occasional poison debuff, plushies that are all the rage with hip, science-conscious collectors these days? Why not take some inspiration from those designs and make an entire action game of the microscopic battles that rages in all of our bodies?
Enemy designs could either go full cutesy, like the impish Viruses of Dr. Mario, terrifying and abstract, like the twisted aberrations of The Evil Within, or just true to life (have you seen ?). It certainly makes more sense that there'd be waves upon waves of infectious, replicating germs attacking you, rather than grunts who are all too willing to throw themselves in front of your crosshairs, or zombie hordes that seem to outnumber the pre-outbreak population.
The current gold standard: Dr. Mario
Here's the opposite side of the sickness coin: afflictions that take place not in our organs, but in our minds. Our innermost fears, insecurities, and emotional anguish can be the basis for some truly inspired enemy designs - yet so few games try to tackle the idea of giving physical form to psychological suffering. When the player is given the freedom to make their own associations for what could possibly explain the atrocity that's standing in front of them, the game world feels that much more rich and alive.
When you know that your own mental projections are the basis for all the horrors you encounter, it's a brilliant invitation to deconstruct the character you're playing as. When done right, this type of enemy can tell you so much more about your protagonist than a canned cutscene or audio log ever could. 'Show, don't tell', they always say - and showing the player is so much more disturbing than just another scary, gory monster.
The current gold standard: Silent Hill 2
Trying to turn precious, huggable critters into primary antagonists typically hasn't done so hot in the past - just look at Naughty Bear or Fur Fighters. But robots and cyborg super-soldiers are so passe. Why not follow in the footsteps of Dr. Robotnik and simply combine the two? It's utterly diabolical - take piglets, baby chicks, squirrels, and all manner of adorable animal, then stuff them into the heart of a metal monstrosity to act as a living power source. These so called 'Badniks' create quite the dilemma: would you risk harming the innocent creatures imprisoned in these mechanized terrors? How do you fight the unwilling enemies that you're actively trying to save?
Of course, Sonic games let you off the hook, clearly showing each animal being freed and happily bouncing off the screen whenever you reduce a Badnik to scrap metal. But what if another game didn't make the choice so easy? I don't know if I could bring myself to dismantle a metal-toothed piranha if it meant crushing the baby duckling inside.
The current gold standard: Sonic the Hedgehog 2
Of all the suggestions on this list, this is the one I'm rooting for the hardest. Twisted theme parks and dark carnivals crop up all throughout the gaming kingdom, and evil clowns have some pretty good representation as their requisite enemies. But mascots-turned-psychopaths are so woefully scarce, given how much they have to offer as menacing villains. That blank, unblinking stare; a smile so wide as to be painful; the exaggerated, grimy features of something not quite human but too disheveled to be a cartoon. Somewhere behind that unfeeling foam mask is a tormented, demented individual - but you'd never know it just by looking at them.
Mascots gone mad are disturbing in much the same way as clowns: their unflinchingly happy image is meant to delight children, but to see their true, flawed selves would shatter the illusion. So they buy into the persona of the costume they've now accepted as their new body, suppressing their own hardships and misery as they struggle to remain true to the character. Eventually, something deep within their psyche is going to snap. If that kind of tortured existence doesn't make for a compelling villain, I don't know what will.
The current gold standard: Dead Rising 2
Oh, and there will always be a place in my heart for more virtual, bloodthirsty sharks (like the frightening ones in Depth, pictured above). I'm curious: which enemy types do you think are criminally underused in gaming? Can you think of something so radically unique that no game has ever attempted it before? Give a holler in the comments section below!
And if I were you, I'd read these hand-picked articles next: .
It's always nice to see a familiar face - something that Netherrealm Studios is keenly aware of judging by the roster. The newest character to be announced for MK's tenth outing is Ermac, the green-eyed bundle of souls who just loves picking fools up and slamming them down (with his mind).
Ermac was revealed on a recent hosted by developer NetherRealm. Based on the footage shown, it seems many of his iconic moves will be making a come back, including his teleportation- and telekinetic-based attacks. And just like the other MKX warriors, Ermac will have three fighting variants to choose from. These variants can either enhance his projectiles, telekinetic attacks, or give Ermac the ability of flight. To find out who else has made the cut, read on to find out who else is in the Mortal Kombat X roster before its release this April.
These guys and gals will definitely be in Mortal Kombat X.
This red-clad ninja might not be as iconic as Sub-Zero or Scorpion, but it's hard not to love Ermac for his ability to lift up opponents and slam them into the ground with nothing more than the power of his mind. Rather than fighting as an individual like the other Kombatants, Ermac is actually an amalgamation of lost souls channeled into one host body, which explains all his supernatural, Sith-like powers of telekinesis and powerful blasts of green energy.
Reptile has always lived in the shadow of the other Mortal Kombat fighters, but he recently got his very own trailer for Mortal Kombat X. Originally a hybrid of Sub-Zero and Scorpion’s fighting styles, Reptile can vomit acid, camouflage himself, and fire a green energy ball - all of which he demonstrated in the trailer. He also has a pretty nasty throw involving his long, prehensile tongue, something he never used enough in older games. It remains to be seen what Reptile's three variant styles will be, but we'll be sure to add that information here when it becomes available.
Kitana is the Princess of Edenia, and - despite her appearance - is 10,000 years old. She was at first loyal to her stepfather, Shao Kahn, but later made an enemy of him upon leaving Edenia. Kitana also holds something of a romance with Liu Kang, even after his murder. She attacks using her steel fans, slicing foes by throwing them across the stage. She’s just as deadly without them too, opting for sharp punches and flying kicks when her fans are at rest.
Liu Kang's maybe-cousin is best known for his giant razor-rimmed hat, which he can toss around like a boomerang or use to bisect his foes (preferably from the groin up). In Mortal Kombat X, it looks like he'll be grated even more space control thanks to his sharp-rimmed headgear. Kung Lao also fights on the side of good, preferring pacifism to aggression - though you'd never know it from watching him in action. Like Liu Kang, Kung Lao is trained in the ways of Shaolin and hails from the White Lotus Society.
You might remember this stark-white, Kratos-looking sorcerer from such games as Mortal Kombat 4 and Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero, but he actually originated in the Defenders of the Realm animated series. Being a master of the dark arts, Quan Chi's three movesets show off his necromancy powers in full effect. There's Warlock, which opens up portals for extra avenues of attack, Summoner, where Quan Chi calls a freakin' Netherrealm Bat to fight as his side, and Sorcerer, which allows space control through buff/debuff fields.
Hmm, something about this young lady that feels oddly familiar... Yes, Cassie Cage appears to be the daughter of Johnny Cage and Sonya Blade, two of the few survivors of the last Mortal Kombat. And Cassie plays like a combination of those two veterans, with Sonya's agility and propensity for firearms mixed in Johnny Cage's pompous swagger. She also inherited Johnny's love of hitting people in the groin, as she is equipped with multiple hits below the belt. In fact, her X-Ray Move involving ruptured testicles might be the queasiest attack in the game.
Raiden's back, baby! If you didn't know, this almighty God of Thunder is responsible for keeping all of Earthrealm safe from the forces of evil. He acts as a guiding light for the other Kombatants who wish to see Shao Kahn dethroned, sometimes stepping into the ring against lesser mortals to get the job done. As a god, Raiden controls the powers of electricity, able to teleport, fly short distances, and set up lightning traps around the stage. In MKX, he might have the most grisly Fatality yet: charging his dazed enemy with such a surge of energy that their eyes pop out of their heads, electric-chair style.
This character’s surname would suggest a relationship to Shao Kahn, and Kotal certainly fights with an intensity similar to Shao’s. Though Kotal is much more reminiscent of an Aztec god, particularly with his enjoyment of bloodletting and devouring hearts. Several of Kotal’s moves involves drinking blood for power, whether his own or his enemy’s. His love of gore is at its height during his Fatality, as he cuts out his opponent’s heart in a ceremonial style, then pours the blood all over his face. To each their own, huh?
If Scorpion were to write a memoir, it'd probably be titled "To Hell and Back Again." That's because this yellow-clad ninja was murdered by Sub-Zero, banishing Scorpion to the Netherrealm (the MK universe's equivalent to Hades) where he became a vengeful specter. Think of Scorpion as the archetypal anti-hero; he's not outright evil, but he has no qualms with killing anyone who gets in his way.
Yeah, Goro's in the game. Well, technically, he's a four-armed pre-order bonus, but whatever. This walking advert for Maximuscle has been in Mortal Kombat since the beginning, and is seen by some as a bit of a cheat character. Given the savage nature of other confirmed characters, and the bloody creativity they show in some of their movesets, we imagine Goro will finally be on a level-footing. We'd bet every penny we own on his finishing moves involving him physically ripping enemies to pieces with his massive arms. Something for the whole family to enjoy, then...
Who here saw Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome and wished that the Master Blaster character was in a fighting game? Because that pretty much sums up Ferra and Torr, two characters that play as one. Torr is the massive bruiser that can steamroll right over you, while Ferra will often dive into the fray with some quick, precise stabs. They’re a really fun combo, but what brought this pair together? Hopefully we’ll find out everything in the story mode. Oh, and don't worry: Ferra isn't a child, just a really, really tiny woman.
Of all the new characters, D’Vorah might be the one most at home in Netherrealm’s previous game, Injustice. This fierce woman is an odd human/insect hybrid that can command hordes of wasps and larva to do her bidding. And under that cloak of hers are sets of wings and devastating pincers used to stab kombatants in their most vulnerable places. But where does she hale from? Could she be the leader of some previously unseen insect kingdom in Outworld?
The yin to Scorpion's yang, Sub-Zero is a skilled assassin who hails from the Lin Kuei clan of ninjas. Sub-Zero is actually the persona of two different warriors: Bi-Han, who is killed by Scorpion in the first Mortal Kombat tournament, and his younger brother Kuai Liang, who took up the Sub-Zero mantle and swore vengeance on Scorpion. Sub-Zero wields the power of ice, able to freeze his opponents solid or create patches of frost at will.
These characters are likely to be included in MKX's roster, but there's no official word from NetherRealm Studios as of yet.
Here's the everyman hero of MK--an incorruptible warrior with the power to shoot fireballs from his hands and kick through the air as if gravity doesn't exist. Sound like any other fighting game frontman you've heard of? Liu Kang is a little like the Shaolin version of Goku, in that he's saved his world countless times and come back from the dead even more frequently. The evil sorcerer Shang Tsung is Liu Kang's primary adversary.
When you die after a life of cold-blooded assassinations, do you rest in peace? No--you come back as a shadowy phantom eager to do even more killing. Noob Saibot is actually the reincarnation of the original Sub-Zero, his soul now fully corrupted after decades of torment in the Netherrealm. His Ghost Ball attack can totally disable the opponent's attacks, and he's just as adept at teleporting strikes as Scorpion. And for you trivia fans out there, yes, his name is backwards reference to MK's co-creators Ed Boon and John Tobias.
Originally a clone of Kitana, Mileena holds a grudge against her blue-clothed counterpart. Created by Shang Tsung, she wants nothing more than to rid the realm of Edenia of its princess. She hides a hideous mouth of fangs under her facial garb, which she uses to tear the flesh from her enemies after leaping onto their necks. Other attacks include teleporting kicks and a tuck-and-roll.
Given that Mortal Kombat X will be coming to new-gen, this is an incredible opportunity to show off the power of PS4 and Xbox One with this obese drunkard. His belly-jiggling physics could be more disturbing than ever, and upgraded particle effects would let you actually see the chunks of last night's dinner in Bo Rai Cho's projectile vomit attack. Not to mention...OK, in all seriousness, we hope to never see this oaf in another Mortal Kombat game again.
Those are the fighters we hope make it into Mortal Kombat X--and in the coming months, we're sure to find out more about the game's roster. Do you have any favorites you want to see in MKX? Tell us about it in the comments below!
And if you're looking for more, check out the full .
Pokken Tournament, which has so far only been announced for Japanese arcades, is a Pokemon-only fighting game from the house of Tekken, Gundam Extreme Vs., and all those Naruto fighters. Similar to those games, Pokken is a 3D fighter, combining close-range melee combat, projectiles, and what appears to be some character customization as well.
So far, only a handful of characters (and videos) have been released, but even from those small snippets there is still a lot to be unpacked. Obviously, the most exciting inclusions are the characters, six of which have been shown thus far. If you want to find out who they are, read on and find out who's in Pokken Tournament. I've also included a few suggestions of my own who I think would make interesting additions to the roster.
It should come as no surprise that fan-favorite Lucario, the aura Pokemon, has been announced as one of the first Pokemon to join the Pokken lineup. Having already been featured in the Super Smash Bros. series, Lucario can be seen using some of the same attacks in the footage released thus far - including its iconic aura sphere projectile. Lucario's mega evolution has also been shown.
Machamp doesn't have the wide-spread of love of Lucario or Pikachu, but as one of the original fighting-type Pokemon, it deserves a slot on the roster. Personally, I believe Machamp's inclusion was largely because the developers wanted an attack that looks like , which it totally has. Machamp also has a spinning lariat similar to Zangief's from the Street Fighter series, however it does not appear to have any projectile attacks.
While images of Blaziken in Pokken have been floating around the internet, there does not appear to by an footage of its fighting style just yet. However, one could speculate that, given the stance Blaziken takes after its mega evolution, this Pokemon could easily be fitted with a Muay Thai fighting style. Plus, developer Namco Bandai has experience in this field with its Tekken series, specifically the fighter Bruce Irvin.
Suicune, the first legendary shown in Pokken, is a long-range, projectile heavy fighter. In one especially devastating match again Machamp, Suicune successfuly keeps the close-range brawler at bay by filling the screen with all manner of energy beams and shockwave attacks. And while it does appear to have some melee attacks involving its two, rippon-esque tails, these attacks appear to be more of a last resort.
Similar to Suicune, Gardevoir is also a long-range fighter who relies primarily on projectile attacks. And of the Pokemon shown thus far, Gardevoir is the only one labeled in-game as a 'technique' fighter (the others being either 'power' or 'standard' fighters). This would imply it's one of the more difficult Pokemon to use. Based on the footage shown so far, Gardevoir's go-to attack is an air projectile that splits into several different homing missiles.
It just wouldn't (and likely couldn't) be a Pokemon game without Pikachu. Fresh off its latest stint in the Super Smash Bros. circuit, Pikachu now finds itself facing down a new roster of challengers in Pokken. Its fighting style combines several long-range, lighting-based projectiles with some high-speed dash attacks to help it zip around the arena. No word yet, however, on whether or not all those cosplay options will be available.
So far, the Pokken roster has been comprised of (mostly) bipedal, humanoid Pokemon. Here are some potential Pokken candidates who would break that mold while offering interesting fighting styles for players.
Ditto would force mirror matches, meaning it would transform itself into whatever Pokemon your opponent is playing. In addition, I think it's safe to assume Pokken will have some sort of character customization, be it custom attacks, custom stats, a leveling system, or all three. Ditto could copy those under-the-hood changes as well, and let players test-drive custom characters from other players. This could provide valuable insight into new strategies and tactics player may not have thought of on their own.
Vespidquen would be an interesting inclusion because of its ability to command lesser swarms of Combees. In the Pokemon games, it can command her minions to either protect it, attack its enemies, or even heal it. This would be a fun mechanic to play with in a fighting game, giving Vespidquen three different 'modes' to switch between (attack, defend, heal). The Combees could provide a simple, passive buff (+10% attack in attack mode) or be controlled independently of the queen as a secondary character.
You want to talk creative challenges? Try making Arbok into a fighting game character. It's got no arms and legs, only a creepy snake body and a creepier Cobra-like face. Even so, I think there's still some fun to be had in designing its slinking, slithering movements. Arbok could coil around its opponents and spit up acidic projectiles from afar. And don't forget about those deadly fangs. And thanks to the TV series, Arbok is one of the more recognizable Pokemon, especially in the under-appreciated Poison-type category.
There aren't a lot of great candidates when it comes to Flying-type Pokemon. Swellow? Braviary? Talonflame? Actually, Talonflame would be pretty sweet, but not as sweet as the mack daddy of them all, Ho-oh. I'd put Ho-oh right up there with Suicune as one of the more majestic-looking legendaries, and the fact that it's a flier gives Ho-oh an interesting way to move around the battlefield. Couple that with the fire typing, and this Pokemon has a very aggressive pool of attacks to choose from in a fight.
In the Pokemon games, Aegislash can switch between can switch between offensive and defensive stances. This mechanic would obviously translate easily into the realm of fighting games. In its attack stance, Aegislash would be a quick and nimble brawler that's in your face all the time. When it switches to its defensive stance, Aegislash then becomes a distance fighter who fires projectiles from its shield. Two stances, two fighting styles, one interesting Pokemon to play.
Starmie basically looks like a giant throwing star, so its transition into the realm of fighting games should be an easy one. It would spin and bounce and basically zip all over the place, all while damaging opponents on contact. This could be complemented with some tricky psionic attacks that could disrupt your opponent and open it up to another spiky barrage.
Alright, that's enough character speculation out of me. What do you all think? Who would you like to see join the Pokken lineup? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below, and keep an eye on this page for all the latest Pokken character announcements.
Video game characters can live through just about anything. Actually, what I mean to say is that video game characters can die through just about anything, but they'll always come back. Doesn't matter if they're shot up, torn to pieces, or even plummet into a bottomless pit, they'll reappear within seconds to take another crack at their objective. There's one important caveat, though: they still die sometimes, usually when it's the end of a trilogy (or it's time for a reboot).
So the only conclusion I can draw here is that video game characters will only die under very specific circumstances. These almost never come up throughout the course of a game, so naturally they almost never die. What exactly are these fatal circumstances for your favorite characters? Well, I'm glad you asked, because I happen to have assembled a slide deck for just this occasion...
This one's obvious. Just because Snake's managed to outlast some half-dozen armed uprisings, a gaggle of super-powerful military robots, and a virus that was genetically engineered to kill his clone doesn't mean he can sneak by the third-leading cause of death in the world. That's right, the legendary soldier will be felled by . Why not lung cancer? I'm thinking all those nanomachines in his blood probably know how to seek and destroy malignant tumors, given his frequent exposure to radioactive weaponry. Nope, thanks to his pack-a-day habit, he'll just cough his way into oblivion.
Compare Cloud Strife's outfit in Final Fantasy 7 to his outfit in Advent Children. Go ahead, I'll wait. Did you spot the difference? Aside from dropping that radical bolted shoulder plate, I mean. Yep - no more weightlifting belt. Shinra was smart enough to make a lifting belt part of the standard SOLDIER uniform. After all, if you're going to have your elite paramilitary force swinging around swords that weigh literally hundreds of pounds, you'd better look after their lower backs. But it looks like Cloud got cocky after he struck out on his own. I give it five years before his vertebrae explode like popcorn kernels and he drops dead.
We don't know much about sexually transmitted diseases from before the Renaissance, since medicine wasn't really a big deal back then. So I can't say with certainty which STDs the Spartan warrior Kratos would be most likely to contract thousands of years ago. I'll go with the safe answer and postulate all of those available at the time. Kratos can't go half an hour without ending up in bed with a handful of comely ladies, and I have no reason to assume that his many lovers are any more selective about their partners than he is. So assuming Kratos survives his perpetually uncertain fate, he'll still drop dead of the ancient Grecian equivalent of syphilis.... after his junk shrivels up and falls off.
Despite saving both Hyrule and Termina, no one else would ever sing of Link's most heroic exploits. That's the problem with grand quests to set timelines back in order - if you do your job right, you're the only one who knows you did it. So Link wanders around feeling unfulfilled. As he gets older, he takes to picking fights in taverns to prove his skill in combat. Forgetful from drinking, he doesn't remember to stock up on fairies. He loses his last fight to a mean-looking goron and comes back a few hundred years later as the Hero's Shade, where he can at least pass his knowledge on to a new hero in green (and warn him to stay off the booze).
There are so many ways Amanda Ripley can die in Alien Isolation! It's a veritable buffet of fatality. She could be shot to death by a crazed scavenger, kicked to death by an android, or even have her noggin punctured by the alien's inner jaws, to name a few options. But don't worry, because I guarantee you she's going to be A-OK for at least the next forty years. How can I be so sure when I myself haven't actually finished Alien Isolation yet? According to the director's cut of Aliens, Amanda is slated to die of cancer at the age of 66. Duh.
Nothing can kill Max Payne. It's a sentiment that many of his enemies have marveled about at one time or another, but it's not true. Despite his miraculous ability to shrug off the massive bleeding and organ failure endemic to being shot hundreds of times, he still has one big weakness: a crippling addiction to painkillers. And yeah, he's built up so much of a resistance to the drugs over time that his body can handle enough to put down an elephant. But when he starts approaching his golden years, and the usual aches and pains of aging are amplified by ten lifetimes worth of grievous injury, he's guaranteed to go a pill too far.
Whenever one of the Kongs gets taken out, they know they can count on their partner to come along and free them from the next conveniently placed DK Barrel. You can tell this particular scheme was conceived by Donkey Kong. The brutish ape turns barrels into splinters just for kicks - so obviously it wouldn't take too long to escape from one if nobody was around to free him. But what about Diddy Kong, just as an example? Diddy has chimp strength, not gorilla strength. Leave him in a product of fine cooperage for a week or so and, well, at least you already have the coffin sorted.
Nathan Drake is near-indestructible, but he does have a certain weakness for one woman: Elena Fisher. So it's a good thing she's a pinnacle of loyalty, tenacity, and patience, always ready to help him whenever he needs it... which is a lot of the time. But even Elena's saintly patience has to break down some time. As you can see from the existence of Uncharted 4, Drake just can't stay out of the adventuring game, and he just can't stop dragging Elena into it. She knows he'll never actually die on his dangerous adventures. So there's only one way to break the cycle of bullshit: sneak up behind him while he's making breakfast and break his neck. He'd want to go out that way.
You know how sharks will supposedly die if they stop moving? It's not entirely true, since most species can use suction to get oxygen to their gills when they slow down. But Sonic the Hedgehog isn't one of those species - heck, he isn't a shark at all! It's easy enough to diagnose Sonic's breathing difficulties just by looking at his shiny black nose. No nostrils, see? And the way his mouth is stuck in a permanent smirk off to one side of his face means he needs to keep running super-fast to force enough life-giving breath down his misshapen airway. That little foot-tap of his isn't attitude, it's a desperate plea for help.
The Master Chief is unbeatable in a firefight, but it's not all skill on his part. He owes his life to his MJOLNIR powered armor suit, and, more specifically, to its regenerating shield system. It's absorbed enough firepower to scorch a small country (let's say Finland), but it always fwooshes back on after taking a few seconds to recharge. At least, it always does before the batteries run out. Seriously, it's a miracle it hasn't happened already, considering how much power that thing must chew up. One of these days he'll forget to plug it in before he goes to bed, and that'll be the end of John-117.
Jill Valentine's seen some shit. Regular zombies, super-zombies engineered solely to destroy her, creepy parasites in cryo-stasis; she's dealt with them all admirably. Some day she'll get to leave all the battles behind. But they'll never leave her. It's only a matter of time before some poor sleepwalker sets her into a PTSD-induced flashback, only for her to regain lucidity as she's standing over his kerosene-soaked corpse. Her lawyer will try to get her off on an insanity plea, but her reputation as a "Master of Unlocking" will be enough for the prosecution to establish a criminal history. She'll spend the rest of her life wandering around, looking for the right key to open her cell door.
Normally I'd feel bad for revealing all of these heroes' weaknesses, but to be honest, they've encountered so much pain in their action-packed lives that they probably feel downright deprived of the sweet release of death by now. You know of any other surefire ways to make a character croak? Let's hear it in the comments!
We sure seem to be getting a lot of remasters lately, huh? You can't go a week without some old game getting a brand new day in the spotlight on modern hardware. But there are reasons why they're so commonplace. People still want to revisit the classics, and that SNES cartridge just won't fit in a Wii U. And publishers, realizing that blockbuster games are time-consuming and costly endeavors, are reaching into their back catalogs to fill the gaps with inexpensive ports.
It's nice to get a chance to revisit those vintage games we haven't played in years, but many publishers are keen to simply dress up an old game's graphics, toss it on some new hardware, and call it a day. Sometimes, though, a remaster goes above and beyond to become something truly special. Maybe it's been slightly redesigned to adhere to modern game design sensibilities, or it includes additional features to entice returning players, or the overhaul itself is vastly more impressive than a simple reskin job. Whatever the case, these are the remasters that turned out to be more fun than the original game they're based on.
The Metroid Prime series did the impossible - it not only took the two-dimensional exploration the series is known for and expertly applied it to a three-dimensional space, it also made first-person jumping not suck. But if you wanted to play the whole series back-to-back, you had to have a GameCube and a Wii, GameCube controllers and memory cards, Wii Remotes, Nunchucks… It was a mess. Thankfully, Nintendo re-released all three in one Metroid Prime Trilogy package for the Wii (and on Wii U Virtual Console).
These games were instant classics, so Retro Studios could have gotten away with quick port jobs. Instead, it converted every game into full widescreen, and tied all three games together with the achievement/reward unlock system introduced in Metroid Prime 3. But best of all, the first two games in the series can be controlled using the Wii Remote and Nunchuck controllers. This doesn't sound like a big deal, but the Remote's point-and-shoot aiming gives you far more precision than your typical console FPS. Couple that with Metroid Prime's snappy lock-on targeting, and you'll be dancing circles around your enemies in no time.
When the desolate nuke-soaked landscape of Metro 2033 first arrived on PCs and consoles in 2010, it was rough around the edges. Sure, it looked nice (on PC anyway), but it was a bit too unforgiving to new players. Stealth was all but broken, if you didn't properly prepare at the beginning of the game you were boned by the end, and to top it all off, it was just generally kind of buggy. And the console versions were even jankier than the PC version.
Luckily, this uniquely atmospheric game got a new lease on life when 4A Games released the Metro Redux collection, and completely rebuilt Metro 2033 to bring it up to par with the far more playable Metro: Last Light. Not only are the graphics completely rehauled, but several new modes make it easier (like the Spartan mode which turns it into a more conventional first-person shooter) or harder (like Ranger mode, which is the closest anyone will hopefully ever get to life in a frigid Russian wasteland filled with irradiated mutants). Thanks to the update, Metro 2033 gets to be the beautifully desolate survival experience it was always meant to be.
Capcom is certainly no stranger to the world of ports and remakes (see: Street Fighter 2, Mega Man, Darkstalkers…). But when Capcom makes the effort to actually recreate a beloved classic for modern audiences, it doesn't just phone it in. The Resident Evil remake (or REmake, as fans have called it) on GameCube (and subsequent rerelease on new-gen consoles (I told you Capcom does this a lot)) does a lot more to the Spencer Mansion than some simple redecorating.
Sure, you get the higher-resolution backgrounds and nicer looking character models. Capcom also added a few new locations which were cut from the original game, as well as revamped puzzles to keep old players on their toes. Enhanced controls (180-degree turns!), and defensive maneuvers were also added to help give players a slight edge. Why would they need that, exactly? Because zombies can now come back to life as Crimson Heads, even faster and more deadly than before. It was enough to make my friend (who knew the original like the back of his hand) scream "HOLY SHIT THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN" when he got attacked by a Crimson Head for the first time. This is how you remake a classic.
The Bionic Commando reboot may not have gotten the love it deserved <(a href="http://www.gamesradar.com/what-game-did-you-love-everyone-hated/" target="_blank">unless you're one of the true fans). I guess that's what happens when you put your dead wife inside a bionic arm (it's a long, dumb story). Surprisingly, the downloadable Bionic Commando Rearmed took off instead, and its popularity is well deserved.
Rearmed is essentially a gussied-up retelling of the original NES classic, but it's so much more than that. The swinging physics were retooled to be more fluid and natural, bosses were changed to make use of all of your available skills, additional challenge levels and the entire last level are completely new to the game, and you can play through it all with a bud. And no, you still can't jump. That's what the grapple arm is for!
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of the DuckTales game? That's right - it's the joy of hopping around each zany level with Scrooge McDuck's cane like a child given a gallon of Surge. And when Capcom and WayForward brought DuckTales to a new generation of hardware, they made sure to keep that bounce intact. But that's not all they did for DuckTales fans young and old.
They brought back the entire surviving cast of the classic '90s cartoon show, including nonagenarian badass Alan Young to reprise his role as Scrooge. To make things look even more like the TV show, all of the game's 8-bit art was replaced with actual hand-drawn animation. Even the music blended elements of the classic NES game with newly recorded renditions of the songs from the animated series. In short, it's the perfect love letter to fans of DuckTales in every form.
Like a few games on this list, Final Fantasy 4 has been rereleased several times over the years, but its 3D incarnation on the DS (and more recently on PC and mobile devices) is its best, most fully version featured yet. Every cave, town, and moon has been lovingly recreated in 3D, and many of the most important scenes have surprisingly good voice work to accompany them.
With new minigames, sidequests, and additional plot points that weren't included in the original version of the game, the 3D version of Final Fantasy 4 is already packed with reasons to dive back in. But wait - there's more! A New Game Plus option lets you carry your equipment over to a second playthrough, where you can take on some hidden bosses for the first time. Sure, you don't get all the extra epilogue content featured in the After Years, but that stuff was mostly crap anyway.
Wind Waker has benefitted greatly from the value of hindsight. Originally decried by Zelda fans as 'that dumb kiddie cartoon one', now it's (rightly) heralded as one of the best Zelda games ever made. Except for, you know, that one bit near the end. You know, where you have to find all of those maps, pay for them to be translated, then find all of the Triforce pieces? And it takes foreeeeeeeeeeeeverrrrrrrrrr? God, wouldn't it be great if Nintendo would just fix it so it wasn't such a pain in the ass?
Well, as it happens, they totally did in the HD rerelease for Wii U. In addition to removing several steps of that asinine Triforce treasure hunt, there's also a special sail you can pick up at the auction house that speeds up travel times significantly. While it doesn't entirely fix Wind Waker's issues, it's still the best version of an already spectacular game.
What if Metal Gear was even more like one of your Japanese animes? What if it ditched the grainy, blocky polygons of the PlayStation era and adopted the sleeker, smoother curves of Metal Gear Solid 2? Well, your prayers are answered, because The Twin Snakes makes Metal Gear Solid even more bonkers (if you can believe it) and much prettier to look at.
Not only does The Twin Snakes bring with it a much-appreciated improvement in graphical fidelity, it also features many of the same moves and abilities from Metal Gear Solid 2 - including its first-person aiming mode. The Twin Snakes also features some incredibly over-the-top cutscenes, directed by Japanese action flick director Ryuhei Kitamura. Like, 'backflip-onto-a-missile-and-return-fire-with-a-rocket-of-your-own' kind of over-the-top. While the original Metal Gear Solid still remains a classic, The Twin Snakes just feels so much more entertaining.
The first two Monkey Island games are amazing point-and-click adventures, filled to the brim with hilarious pirate jokes, insult sword fighting, and way too many modern conveniences for a game set during the Golden Age of Piracy. But ever since I played the third entry, The Curse of Monkey Island, I always hoped that LucasArts would go back to the old games and stick some new artwork and voice acting on top of them.
Turns out my wish was granted back in 2009, and again in 2010, when LucasArts released the Special Editions of the first two games in the Monkey Island series. The updated graphics are take-'em-or-leave-'em, but you can switch to the old visuals at the push of a button. More importantly, every single line of dialog has been voiced by a stellar cast (including the one and only Dominic Armato as Guybrush Threepwood). You also get a handy hint system for both games and a neat commentary track for Monkey Island 2. The voice acting alone makes these Special Editions leagues better than the original releases. And yes, I know these are two separate releases, but they both got the same level of TLC, so I'm grouping them together. Because I can.
Before you go into full-on rage mode the next time you hear about another imminent re-release, just remember these extra-polished gems. Who knows? Maybe that old game is getting a ton of great stuff to make double-dipping worth it. Do you have a favorite remaster you enjoy more than the original? Or perhaps there's one you'd like to see? Let me know in the comments!
If you're a series fan, you know exactly what you're in for with 's slate of upcoming DLC. That's not really a bad thing, mind - the heavyweight shooter series knows how to make a map pack sing, with oodles of new score streaks and timed events to keep players guessing. Not to mention the indispensalbe Exo Zombies mode, which furthers CoD's fine tradition of cheesy undead survival... this time, with super-powered exoskeletons.
As per usual, each pack will hit Xbox One and Xbox 360 first, with release on all the other platforms expected about a month later. Each of the four packs is available on its own for $14.99/£11.59 or as part of the $49.99/£34.99 season pass - which includes a few other bonuses such as the Atlas Gorge map and early access to DLC weapons. Click on for more details on each pack as we get them, and make sure to check back in as the season rolls on!
You want more maps? Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare's Havoc DLC has more maps. Four more, to be exact: Core, which sees players fighting over the ruins of a nuclear fusion plant deep in the Gobi desert; Urban, which turns a futuristic Dallas living space into a vertical playground of destruction; Drift, which sets players loose on a wide open ski resort complete with avalanche timed event; or the freaky Sideshow, which takes place in an abandoned, clown-themed hotel with its own rainbow-cannonball firing scorestreak. You'll also get the AE4 directed energy assault rifle and its variant, the AE4 Widowmaker.
Havoc also includes the first episode of the Exo Zombies campaign, which sees four civilian employees of the Atlas corporation struggling to survive against an outbreak among the company's elite soldiers. And yes, it amps up the now-standard camp factor, complete with face-captured performances from John Malkovich, Bill Paxton, Rose McGowan, and Jon Bernthal that will leave you asking "Kevin Spacey who?"
That's all we know about Advanced Warfare's DLC plans so far, but we'll update this article with all the details on Havoc, Ascendance, Supremacy, and Reckoning as we get them. Until then, what are you most looking forward to? Let us know in the comments!
Looking for more Advanced Warfare? Make sure not to miss our .
It's a pretty impressive feat that the one-on-one fighting game, despite theoretically being one of the most constrained genres of the lot, has managed to evolve and expand its scope so consistently throughout the last 30 years. Two characters, a closed arena, and a lot of punching until someone falls over. That's the set-up you have to work within. So it should come as no surprise that in the aim of keeping things fresh within such a tight framework, more than a few developers have gone a bit weird along the way.
Weapons were an obvious step forward, but the novelty of melee would only suffice for a certain period. Hitting someone with a bat is one thing, but how to push it further? What kind of flamboyant fighting gear could crank up the possibilities yet again? And thus you end up with this stuff, which, while undoubtedly looking cool, would be next to useless in a fight. In fact it would be so self-defeating that it would negate the need for a fight.
So DarkStalkers’ Bishomon has this sword, right? It’s a really good sword. Cursed, but good. You see while all other swords, in accordance to the laws of physics, blunt up really quickly when struck hard against metal and bone, this one doesn’t. In fact, repeat impacts actually make it sharper. Best sword ever, right?
Well no. You see logically, it would only be great up to a (pun unintended) point. The thing about a sword that gets endlessly sharper is that in the hands of a regular cleaving fan such as Bishamon, it’s pretty rapidly going to get too sharp. First it’s carving opponents in two, but then it’s lopping Bishamon’s coffee table in half every time he puts it down without immaculate care and attention. A few months later, it’s carving air molecules apart. A little further down the line, it’s inadvertently hacking holes in space-time just by existing. There’s such a thing as being too efficient.
Anchors. They’re big, they’re hard, they’re heavy, and they’re hooked. That should make them the ideal melee weapon. But consider the other, fundamental, inalienable element of an anchor’s nature. It is designed to keep gigantic, metal ships stationary against the relentless force of the tide.
Guilty Gear’s May, as you (pun unintended) may have noted, conforms fully to the Small. Lightweight Female archetype of the fighting game character handbook. That means that she is considerably less heavy and sturdy than a ship. And that means that taking this thing into battle would result only in around a two-foot range of movement and a total inability to hit anything. Less a weapon, more a masochistic free-punch facilitator. Unless, like Street Fighter’s Oro, she’s just so damn hard that she needs a handicap.
No, that’s not a perspective trick up there. And yes, that’s theoretically a gauntlet. A gauntlet the size of a large child. No-one has ever espoused the virtues of small children as effective melee weapons. Particularly not small children strapped to one’s arm. If you swung one hard enough – an Olympic hammer-throwing technique might just work, but you’d need a pretty slow opponent and a pretty skinny child – you might just get one good hit in, but otherwise, children are next to useless in a life-and-death combat scenario. Famously so, in fact.
Tangential, but relevant point about heavy medieval armour: it was a fucker to wear. Wearing a full suit, you’d have been less a prancing, leaping, blade-whirling dervish of death, and possessed a countenance more akin to an arthritic sumo trying to powerlift on a high-gravity planet. With movement barely possible, balance was key to that stuff’s feasibility. Strap it all to one arm, and it will have roughly the same effect on one’s mobility as a light stroke.
On the surface, Axl’s Kusarigama looks like an ideal, medium-to-long range melee weapon. It has a lengthy chain for swinging, a sickle on either end, and on the whole looks just weighty enough to build some nasty momentum while remaining lightweight enough to be viable. Hell, kusarigama are real, historical weapons, so this thing has to get a pass, right?
Well no. You see real kusarigama don’t work like Guilty Gear’s version. Axl’s model subscribes to the video game rule of cool, rather than the traditional wisdom of learned historical quartermasters. Real Kusarigama have only one blade, with a weight at the other end. The weight is actually the bit you swing, and you use it not for direct offence, but to ensnare and tangle your opponent’s weapon before moving in for a stab with the sickle. That’s a system that makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is using the blades as a flail. They’d be much harder to control than a sword, nigh-impossible to land accurately, and let’s face it, having a giant, unruly metal spike sticking out of the side of a weapon’s handle while trying to negotiate an acrobatic street fight is only going to result in accidentally slashed forearms and inconveniently severed tendons. More trouble than it’s worth.
It’s a giant stone pillar.
Enough said.
Cool thing about metallic, robot arms: they’re really good at lifting heavy things and crushing squishy opponents into an even squishier configuration. The theory is great.
Crap thing about metallic, robot arms: unless the surgical techno-boffins who kitted you out with them gave you a reinforced, metal skeleton at the same time, the sheer weight of the things would tear them out of your shoulders the second you stood up. The reality is a flesh-ripping, sinew-snapping, cartilage-twisting, blood-squirting nightmare.
Last Guilty Gear one, I promise. I know we already have a couple on this list, but this one is so ridiculous that I couldn't let it go. You know why keys are shaped the way that they are? It’s so that they’ll fit into keyholes and, when rotated, manipulate the tumblers of the lock in order to free up the mechanism and release the door or lid in question. You’ll note that this simple, everyday function does not have much requirement for weapon balance, manageable weighting, or ergonomic comfort. That’s why keys are not designed for any of that. Thus, they are not designed, in any way, to function particularly well as weapons when ludicrously oversized.
Also, more worrying point, WHO THE HELL NEEDS A DOOR THAT BIG?
Nothing about this is practical. BlazBlue’s fighters are pretty notorious for the ludicrous nature of their weaponry, but this thing is off-the-chart stupid. First up, that amount of solid metal will weigh as much as two rather portly ponies. Just as importantly though, there’s a reason that every melee weapon in history, from katana to baseball bat, has a handle. Swinging anything heavy enough to crack a skull hard enough to crack said skull makes gripping said thing a pretty tough proposition indeed. Doubly so when you take into account the inevitable sweaty hands that come with 60 seconds spent jumping madly around trying not to get beaten unconscious. A perfectly cylindrical piece of smooth metal does to tie in well to that situation.
But more disturbingly, WHO THE HELL NEEDS A NAIL THAT BIG? AND CAN YOU IMAGINE THE SIZE OF THE HAMMER? Why not use that, Bang?
Aaand suddenly you’re engaging in a heated duel using an oversized stick of butter.
Typical SouCal fighter. Always brings butter to a knife fight.
So, those are the most ridiculously unhelpful fighting game weapons I came up with, but surely there are loads more self-defeating implements of battle-nonsense floating around, maiming their users willy-nilly on a nigh-daily basis. If you have any you think should share the spotlight, push them awkwardly onstage by way of the comments section.
And while you're here, why not check out ? If you liked this one, you'll probably like those two, as they're almost exactly the same.
Until humanity devises a way to build the lifelike robot version of a young Haley Joel Osment, artificial intelligence will always be a work in progress. I'm no programmer, so I can't speak to the complexities of making a machine act like a real person, or seemingly take up an agenda of its own. But I do know a thing or two about what makes for a good gameplay experience - which AI behavior can make or break, given the crucial role it plays in believability of the world and enjoyment of the combat. But too often, some form of decidedly less-advanced AI rears its ugly NPC face to ruin everyone's fun with positively inhuman or insane behaviors.
Certain kinds of wonky AI seem to crop up all over the gaming ecosystem, across all kinds of genres and generations. But these nine AI archetypes are so common, you'd think their faulty algorithms would've been worked out by now. Let's take a look at some of the stupidest types of game AI to ever rip us out of any immersion like a [humorous metaphor] [sentence punctuation] [continue to next slide]
They say it's dangerous to go alone - but forcing you to buddy up with a Thickheaded Teammate is more hazardous to your health than solitude ever could be. With their endless parade of flagrant idiocy, you'd think that they were a double agent, set up as part of your squad to sabotage your efforts at every turn. When they're not shooting you in the back of the head, they're stepping in your line of fire. Giving them a health item means they'll either waste it on the most minor wounds imaginable, or completely forget they have it when they're fatally bleeding out. As you watch in disbelief while your Thickheaded Teammate struggles to navigate stairs or bypass an open door, you'll suddenly find yourself testing the game's capacity for friendly fire.
As seen in: Resident Evil 5, Halo: Combat Evolved
It's a wonder that the Helpless Companion can wipe their own butt without your step-by-step assistance. Rescuing someone from a deadly situation isn't supposed to be easy, but the Helpless Companion seems determined to get the both of you killed on account of their ineptitude. Instead of running away from danger, they either sprint towards it with open arms or stand perfectly still, neither of which is super helpful when your success depends on their survival. The Helpless Companion is the type who would run headlong into a burning building - not in an attempt to rescue anyone inside, just out of sheer confusion. Maybe it'd be best if you just 'forgot' to rescue them this time.
As seen in: Ico, Dead Rising
Is it clairvoyance? The ability to calculate every possible outcome and thus see into the future? No! It's just the game bending the rules to its advantage, leaving you hopelessly frustrated in the process. The Blatant Cheater seems to think that neck-and-neck competition is the only thing that makes gaming worthwhile, and if your skills are upsetting that balance, then you deserve to be punished. Their methods are many: conjuring up the exact item that ruins you, reading your button inputs, exploiting limitless resources, and so on. But the end result is always the same: you, the player, questioning what you're doing with your life, because the computer seems to be scornfully orchestrating your every loss.
As seen in: Mario Kart, Mortal Kombat
Give the Tireless Worker a task, and they'll do everything they can to please you. They've got no problem constructing buildings or gathering resources for five days straight, just to see their job through to the end. But once that job's complete, they become utterly useless. Without some kind of constant directive telling them what to do, Tireless Workers are content to simply stand in place until death or a new assignment, whichever comes first. The only outside influence that can jolt them out of an unproductive stupor is getting caught in the line of fire - a hazard that they seem to forget all about after running roughly 20 feet.
As seen in: StarCraft, Command Conquer
Yes, this design is often integral to old-school gameplay, but it's such an existentially terrifying notion that I never want to see it again. The Unthinking Drone lives a tragic, typically brief life, as it cannot deviate from a set of basic directives. If you are to walk forward, then you walk forward - even if that means marching trance-like into a bottomless pit, or staring directly at the gun that's about to blow your brains out. Has the Unthinking Drone's free will been suppressed by Nineteen Eighty-Four-style indoctrination? Or does it internally scream out in an attempt to command its unresponsive body?
As seen in: Super Mario Bros., Mega Man
No matter where you are in the world, a properly functioning compass will always point north. The guns held by Armed Compass soldiers work in much the same way: no matter where you are on the map, their barrels will always be pointed directly at you. If you reveal so much as an errant nose hair from behind cover, the Armed Compass will immediately and continuously unload clip after clip in your direction, no matter the range or visibility. That's about all they're capable of, though. Things like flanking your position, calling for backup, moving away from a live frag grenade at their feet, or backpedaling when you charge at them with a knife in hand are all actions that seem to elude the Armed Compass.
As seen in: Titanfall, Battlefield 3
Sometime in the past decade, developers realized how infuriating it is to get a Game Over just because your Helpless Companion teammate bit the dust. So why not go the other direction and make your plot-centric companion nigh-invincible? The problem is that believability kinda takes a hit when your partner can soak up bullets like a Kevlar-brand ShamWow, or skips daintily in front of enemy's faces without ever getting their attention. You're the hero of this game, so the Superhuman Aide can't move the action forward without you. But given their incredible abilities and borderline immortality, it seems like they're far more deserving of the spotlight than your sorry, Medkit-needing ass.
As seen in: Half-Life 2, The Last of Us
As you go about your day-to-day life, you typically don't see many people standing on chairs, walking into walls, rotating in place, or synchronizing their movements with those of a stranger for no apparent reason. But in the virtual world, such bizarre, inexplicable activities are commonplace, all thanks to Abnormal Citizens. They go about their daily routines like any normal person might, making sure to spout the appropriate lines whenever you walk by and/or threaten their lives. But leave them to their own devices, and you'll quickly realize that the Abnormal Citizen has a very limited grasp on spatial awareness or social norms. Then again, you seem to be the only one who thinks what they're doing is weird - so maybe you're the one with a problem.
As seen in: Assassin's Creed, Fallout
If your comrade enters a room only to be immediately gunned down, our basic instincts for self-preservation tell us that following him is probably a bad idea. But the Slow Learner approaches that same situation a bit differently. Watching as their ally takes a shotgun blast to the skull directly in front of them isn't a sign of impending doom - it's an invitation to step right up, now that it's finally their turn to waltz through the door. It doesn't matter if they have to step over a steadily growing pile of allied corpses. The Slow Learner has to see what all the commotion is about with their own two eyes, before a bullet is inevitably lodged between them.
As seen in: Bulletstorm, GoldenEye 007
What's the most annoying AI archetype you're sick of seeing? Any particularly good stories of allied NPCs driving the both of you off a cliff, or enemies who can't seem to see what's directly in front of them? Share and share alike in the comments below!
Video games can tell some amazing stories. Their ability to mix audio, video, and interaction together into a single work can really draw participants in and have them connect with the piece on a deep, emotional level. Games can make us laugh, cry, or even give us the ability to create new stories on our own that we can share with others. At their best, they give context to our actions within the game. Those actions then influence the how the story plays out, and the two compliment each other to form one cohesive whole.
For some games, however, the story feels like more of an obligation. Developers figure, 'well, we gotta have some sort of a reason why Shooty McMurderPants is running around shooting stuff and murdering people all day long, so here you go!' Inevitably, this can lead to shortcuts and sloppy storytelling, where your actions in the game feel almost completely disconnected from the plot, creating what critics call "a giant clusterfuck." Here are some of the laziest storytelling cliches for when you feel like just phoning the whole thing in.
This one is a classic, as well as a personal favorite of mine. I don't care if we're talking books, games, or whatever else - if there's a character with amnesia that always equals a good time because it means everything is not as it seems. And let me tell you something, there's nothing better than having everything be not as it seems. Friends can be revealed as enemies. Characters can tap into long-forgotten powers. Secret identities can become not-so-secret identities. Nothing is off the table, all without having to write a word of opening exposition.
Even so, you can have too much of a good thing. A twist doesn't feel like much of a twist when you know the twist is coming - just ask M. Night Shyamalan - and when amnesia is on the table then you KNOW a twist is coming. You never see a character with amnesia that just turns out to be a normal dude, or better yet never recover from the amnesia ever. Imagine that: amnesia with no payoff, now there's a twist.
This is a apex of video game power fantasies. You're the Master Chief. You're the Inquisitor. You're the one the prophecy spoke of. You're better than everyone else. Congratulations! Now get out there and start saving the universe because dammit that's what you were born to do. And everyone else knows it, or will be made to know it in short order.
But does literally the entire universe need to revolve around you? There are plenty of heroics to be found in the everyman as well. It's easy to be brave when you're a genetically enhanced super soldier or blessed with some ancient and mysterious power. If you're just some random person - like you or me - then it's a lot harder. But isn't that struggle against such overwhelming odds part of what makes someone heroic in the first place?
You're a game developer. You've spent months - maybe even years - developing this amazing new world to serve as the backdrop for your game. You've got Word documents coming out your ears detailing the rich history, the triumphs, and the strife of this world and its people. But how are you going to fit all of it into your game? Two words my friend: audio logs. Just fill your world up with old recordings made by some person for some reason, and PRESTO you've got yourself some backstory.
It's just too bad audio logs are so boring. There's no getting around it. No one wants to stop blasting dudes in the face and listen to a dead guy's answering machine for five minutes. I don't care how interesting his messages are. While audio logs (or journal entries or whatever) are efficient at conveying a lot of information, they hardly take advantage of the medium's visual and interactive strengths. Especially if they're the kind that make you REMAIN STATIONARY or SIT IN A MENU to listen to them. They're the most infuriating, and completely miss the point of being an audio log in the first place.
Bad guys just love calling heroes on the phone to tell them how unimpressed they are with the whole situation. Why do they feel the need to do this? Why does Azmodan in Diablo III hop on the demonic Skype every time I kill one of his lieutenants or destroy one of his siege engines just to let me know he really doesn't care that I just killed one of his lieutenants or destroyed one of his siege engines. If you really don't care that much, don't pick up the phone.
Having a bad guy call you up on the phone just to taunt and tease the player doesn't accomplish all that much, other than remind us "oh yeah, that's the bad guy." The nastiest, most memorable, and downright coolest villains are never the ones that spew empty threats at you all day. They're the ones who get shit done. They don't have time to chat because they have an evil plan and they're sticking to it. And when they do finally give you their attention, it's because you royally screwed up said plan. It's because you earned it.
Sometimes it can be hard coming up with a reason for players to actually like, or care about, your hero. Think about, say, Kratos, or Talion from Shadow of Mordor. They're basically dudes who are angry all the time and run around killing people and/or monsters day in and day out. So, why should I care about his person? Because his family is dead. Not only that, they were murdered right in front of his eyes.
It's the perfect motivation, really. You free your hero up from his parental responsibilities while also giving him a reason to want to straight up murder a bunch of dudes in cold blood. It's a win-win. Except now it's been done so much it's become comical. The moment you see a nice, happy-looking family in a video game, you KNOW they're on the way out. Especially the wife. Holy crap, if you're some dude's wife in a video game your part might as well be played by a skull and crossbones because you're living on borrowed time.
Being stranded in hostile territory sucks. It doesn't matter if you're in Silent Hill or Rapture, or that island in Tomb Raider. The result is always the same: everyone wants to kill you. It's really just a convenient excuse for having you murder everything in sight. And because you're in an enclosed environment, there's no need to worry about the ramifications - or even the reasoning - behind your actions. This is a fight for survival, dammit, and you're just doing what needs to be done.
Of course, since everyone and everything is trying to kill you all the time, there's not much room meaningful, non-murder-related interactions. Sometimes you meet a companion or two, and maybe you help one of them escape, but at the end of the day your only real meaningful contribution was putting shotgun shells in the faces of your enemies.
Nothing invalidates your gaming accomplishments more than seeing the villain from the previous game show up unexpectedly in its sequel. All that hard work. All those hours of strategizing and preparation. All of it rings hollow when you see that same villain inexplicitly return from the dead. Plus, since it's the same villain all over again you know how the song and dance plays out. Their personality, weaknesses, and master plan, all the jazz has already been established. Here we go again.
This is really one of the most lazy entries on this list. "Quick, we need a surprise twist that won't take a lot of explanation, nor require us to set up a new character right before the end of the game. Solution: bring the old villain back from the dead!" It's perfect. Players already know the old villain, but who would have suspected they'd see said villain again in this new game? Who needs new ideas when we have all these old ones to fall back on!?
What’s disappointing about this is list is that, at one point or another, every entry was a really cool and original idea. Then everyone started doing it. And it became too mainstream and it started to suck. Now everyone does it and it's basically ruined. Everyone ruins everything. Of course, this list is by no means comprehensive. I'm sure you all can think of even more storytelling cliches everyone has managed to ruin.
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When it comes to meaty DLC packs, the Borderlands series doesn't mess around. The first two games extended the shootin'-and-lootin' action with sizable themed campaigns and even additional classes - and continues this tradition with its substantial post-release content. Wondering what kind of moon-based DLC is on tap, exactly? You've come to the right place.
We'll continue to update this article as we learn more about The Pre-Sequel's numerous add-ons, so keep checking back here if you're fiending for more of Borderlands' trademark gunplay and madcap sense of humor. Until then, click on to see all the Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel DLC currently on offer!
As fierce in the boardroom as she is on safari. Lady Hammerlock brings high-powered business dealing (and sniper rifles) to Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel as its sixth DLC character. She's the sister of the posh and jolly Sir Hammerlock, and the heir/matriarch of the Hammerlock family fortune - and as you may have guessed from her dearth of cybernetic prostheses, she's a bit less danger prone and a lot more deadly.
Hammerlock's stare isn't the only icy thing about her - she can also use her Cold As Ice action skill to throw out an enemy-seeking Frost Diadem Shard, which will move from one to the next as its targets succumb to frostbite/bullets. Her Cold Money skill tree focuses on this angle, ultimately letting her kills add cryo damage to all weapon types (or bonus cryo damage if that's already their shtick). Her Huntress and Contractual Aristocracy skill tree focus on boosting sniping and letting her collect kill bonuses from her co-op partners, respectively. The Lady Hammerlock Pack is available starting January 27 in North America and January 28 in Europe.
Much like Agent Smith of The Matrix fame, Handsome Jack is the kind of guy who's vain enough to make copious copies of himself. And what's the next best thing to actually playing that misguided, unforgettable loudmouth? Why, playing as one of his Doppelgangers, of course! Even better, this class is basically the Inception of Jack body doubles, since even his Doppelganger gets to summon minions made in his own narcissistic image.
Yep - the faux-Jack can create back-up at any time with his Expendable Assets ability, which creates two Digi-Jack holograms that are equally as handsome as you are. The Doppelganger's talent trees let you buff up those Digi-Jacks to Badass status, on just focus on your own firepower and make your Digi-Jacks more like meatshields. Because let's face it - that's totally what the real Handsome Jack would do.
If you've played The Pre-Sequel - likely, since you're reading all about its DLC - then you know about the game's awesome framing device, where Athena is retelling the story of what happened on Elpis. Those lovable Vault Hunters Gaige and Axton showed up late to the party, and now they want to hear Athena recap all over again. But they don't have all day - so they want the abridged, way-more-difficult version.
The Holodome Onslaught is like a greatest-hits of The Pre-Sequel, bringing back tons of memorable bosses (and a few newcomers) for you to fight with amped-up difficulty. The Holodome is essentially an arena, where you'll have to fight off increasingly challenging waves of enemies; a bit like Mad Moxxi's Underdome Riot from the first Borderlands. Additionally, this DLC comes with the Ultimate Vault Hunter Upgrade Pack, which bumps up the level cap to 60. More levels, more skill points, baby! While you're here, why not check out a few more screens...
That's all the Pre-Sequel DLC we know about so far, but keep checking back for more as it's announced! And try not to get yourself killed out there.
And if you're looking for more, be sure to read our .
We all have that one game, that misunderstood gem in the back of our collection that's still close to our heart. The same one that, when mentioned to friends (or judgemental coworkers) gets us nothing but eye-rolls and cries of "Wait, you actually LIKE that game?" Yes, we do like it, dammit, and we're proud about it too! It's not our fault the rest of you don't see the genius - or just goofy fun - found in these games.
Nonetheless, we'll give it a shot. Each editor has selected a game he or she feels has been universally panned but still has plenty of entertainment to offer. Dive into this list with an open mind, and you might just find a new favorite for your collection. Just be cautious about who you talk to about this new purchase.
At first blush, Mystical Ninja starring Goemon is a Super Mario 64 clone on a system with far too many Super Mario 64 clones. And if you looked at it as such (like many reviewers at the time did), that's all you saw. The jumping was imprecise, the camera even worse, and the entire game was plagued by an encroaching layer of fog - you know, just like every other Nintendo 64 game out there. But if (like me), that system was all you had, you were likely starving for something, anything (seriously, anything) to play. So, armed with my trusty Nintendo Power, I rented it from Blockbuster and plowed through it. And oh, boy, am I glad I did.
See, Mystical Ninja starring Goemon isn't just a Super Mario 64 clone, it's one of the most surreal, bat-shit bonkers games you're likely to find on the N64. In it, Goemon is trying to stop the Peach Mountain Shoguns from turning feudal Japan into a Westernized theater with a giant laser beam. A laugh track plays over every single bad joke in the game. Many boss fights culminate in a showdown between two screen-sized mechs - oh, but first you're treated to an every single time. Yeah, Mystical Ninja starring Goemon may not be a 'good' game in the traditional sense, but I guarantee that it's unlike everything you've ever played.
Which game do I love that everyone hates? Lollipop Chainsaw. Apparently it's dumb, clunky, poorly-written and all the rest. But I really do like the partnership between Nick and Juliet. There are some fantastic lines in there. The one about being racist towards cows, the one where Nick does a really sarcastic cheerleading chant, and - of course - the timeless classic: "What the dick?"
It sounds awful on paper and it probably is. And it certainly isn't what you would describe as 'classy'. But I really enjoyed playing it. And the 'sparkle hunting' rainbow-spewing multiple beheading chainsaw moments are beautiful. And yes, dammit, now I want to play it again. Yeah, tut all you want. OK, ready for the in-joke about three people will get? "Oh wait, I fucked up. It's Sonic 4: Episode 1." Ithankyaw.
You know when you pick up a delicious cake, stuff it merrily into your mouth, and thoroughly enjoy it, knowing full-well that it’s not exactly a nourishing piece of sustenance but who cares, because it’s cake and that’s sort of entirely the point? Yeah? Thought so. And you know when someone comes along later, sees the crumbs, and says “Oh, cake? You were eating cake? What were you thinking, you idiot, no-one likes cake. It’s well-known by all to be disgusting." No, of course you don’t. Because that would be madness. But that’s exactly what happens every time I mention enjoying Quake 4.
Does it have the bona fide, groundbreaking classic status of Quakes 1, 2 and 3? No. Is it fun? Is it a decent, grimly satisfying, sci-fi horror FPS, with great weapons and some rather cool ideas? Yes it is. Yes it is that all the way. Hell, the nightmare Stroggification sequence is worth the price of admission alone. It was a groundbreaking use of first-person storytelling at the time, and the way the game uses it to overhaul the gameplay - after holding back on Quake’s more kinetic excesses for the first part of the game - is pretty damn smart indeed. My Quake cake. I shall have it, and I shall eat it, and I shall thumb my nose at you, Revisionist Popular Internet Hivemind.
It may seem odd to claim love for a multi-million dollar franchise starter that 'everyone else hated', but this one's all about the timing. While the first Assassin's Creed game was incredibly popular when it first came out, I didn't get into the franchise until after the release of AC2, and by then people were singing a different tune. After Ezio hit the scene, it was agreed among the fanbase that newcomers should skip Altair's tale and save themselves the torture of an endless fetch quest stream and repeating the same mission over and over again. Luckily, I went charging into the first Assassin's Creed before anyone could convince me not to, and it's still one of my favorite in the series.
I won't deny that the gameplay is relatively simple and repetitive, but that's part of what I loved about it: missions were very similar with just enough differences that using what you knew in a new set of circumstances became a fun challenge. Without ten million sidequests to complete, the mission was your primary objective, and every target I took down felt like a big step toward my goal. AC1 also gave me my favorite AC protagonist, Altair, who I've always adored far and above the wildly-loved Ezio. Sure Ezio has swagger, but Altair's very human flaws and his ability to overcome them made him cheer him on through every bit of sarcasm. Plus, this game introduced him to his soon-to-be wife. How can you hate their adorable, snarky love?
Analytically, scientifically, I know that the Mario Party games are random, messy affairs that take far too long to play and can be quite frustrating. I know the pain of losing a hard earned star to an impossible twist of fate, and how very unfair its unbalanced gameplay can feel. I know all this, but if you asked me to play a round of Mario Party with you right now, I'd instantly say yes.
What's wrong with me? Well, I'm a big fan of real life board games, with the friendly (and down right vindictive) spirit of competition taking hold, and the Mario Party series is a fitting venue. I also tend to enjoy the goofy minigames included, and some are way ventive than they’re given credit for. Hate on it all you like, but I’m more than ready to give the amiibo-centric sequel a try. I’d play it long before another round of Monopoly.
I'm a firm believer that as long as you're playing with friends, any game can go from being god-awful to a grand old time. Take Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City, a misguided attempt to adapt Capcom's survival horror franchise into a multiplayer co-op romp in the same infected vein as Left 4 Dead. But instead of exploring tense environments as iconic zombie killers like Jill Valentine or Leon Kennedy, you trudge from one bit of ho-hum cover-shooting to the next with a squad of random Umbrella agents.
And yet, I had the time of my life playing it with a certain ) actually became quite endearing over time. Rather than eliminate the undead with maximum efficiency, we were more focused on who could snag collectible data packets first (Greg always won). If you're looking for dumb RE fun with up to four players in online co-op, then I highly recommend what Greg and I lovingly refer to as "Operation Raccoon Shizzy".
No, I'm not talking about the awesome TMNT arcade game that everyone loves; I'm talking about the red-headbands-on-the-cover, glitchy TMNT side-scroller with the God-forsaken dam level. Yeah, that TMNT game. I love that game. Everything about it is awesome. I mean, in what other TMNT game can you play as any of the Turtles at any time, fight iconic characters like Bebop and Rocksteady, and actually drive around a Turtle Van that shoots cannonballs? Not many, my friends.
Look, if you hate it, that's fine. I'm not going to claim that it's a perfect game. But, if you gave up and never beat the dam level, you're just not a true TMNT fan. You're just not trying very hard. There are way harder levels in other games. The dam is actually pretty easy if you give it more than one shot. Give me the unwieldy controls, instant pit deaths, and randomly respawning enemies. I'll play this game any day.
There was one thing - one crucial thing - developer GRIN had to nail when developing the 2009 reboot of Bionic Commando: the swinging. And they crushed it. I'm talking home run grand slam power bomb boom shaka laka hit this one out of the park (and into low orbit). Zipping between high beams and tree branches in this game is a blast, from the rush of speed you feel as Spencer dips into the arc of his swing, to the way he floats in midair just long enough for you to line up your next shot. You can almost feel the wind whipping through Spencer's oily dreadlocks.
And that's where the problems lie. The dreadlocks. The all-too-serious tone. The wife arm (don't ask). Bionic Commando was not without some controversial design decisions, but they're only skin deep. After three completed playthroughs (and counting), I can assure you the game's swing-and-shoot action soars above its plot, and creates firefights that are far teresting to navigate than the typical, cover-based action of other third-person shooters. The game is a wild ride, the swinging feels easy and exciting, and for crying out loud it's dirt cheap on Amazon. Spend some time with it this weekend.
The games found in this list aren't for everyone, and that's a good thing. Often times, whether you're talking about games or movies or books or any other creative work, your favorites - that ones that really stick with you - aren't going to be the most popular. They're not going to have that mass-market, something-for-everyone appeal. Instead, they're going to focus on something that connects with you specifically, and that's what makes them special. What personal treasures are in your collection? Let us know in the comments below.
And if you enjoyed this story, be sure to check out .
Shigeru Miyamoto once said: "A delayed game is eventually good, a rushed game is forever bad". While he's not wrong, it's still a bummer to see that game you've been waiting forever to play get pushed even further away from your grasp. And when I take a look at the list of games coming out, with their tentative '2015' release dates, I can't help but sigh and think how adorably optimistic everyone seems to be.
Whether the scope is too ambitious, or the developer has a history of delaying games until they're just right, or that particular game has been stuck in development hell for far too long, these are the games of 2015 that we'll likely be playing in 2016 instead. I'll be really excited if all of these games come out this year, but I wouldn't put money on it.
North Americans are lucky we even got Xenoblade Chronicles in the first place (especially considering the game was eventually fully translated and released in Europe), let alone its upcoming Wii U sequel, so I'm going to preface what I'm about to say with my appreciation for Nintendo's willingness to bring niche JRPGs to Western shores. That said, there's no way in hell this game comes out in 2015.
Every single trailer Nintendo shows off for the sprawling mecha-infused RPG seems like it has 2015 slapped on the end of it, as if to say, 'Hey, no, seriously, it's actually coming this year! You can believe us!' And sure, it's currently slated for an April release in Japan, but that didn't prevent the first game from taking years to reach Western audiences. I'm a patient man, and I'll wait with bated breath for the day we get it. But I'll believe it when I see it.
It's fair to say that Hideo Kojima is one of the few true auteurs working on AAA games right now, and as such, he's a bit of a perfectionist. I mean, I can't think of a series other than Metal Gear that allows you to shoot a glass full of ice cubes, then watch those ice cubes melt into puddles on the ground just because. That's the absurd level of detail Kojima is known for, and it usually means we have to wait a little longer to get a chance to play his games.
While the glorified demo Ground Zeroes gave us a taste of what Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain is going to look like on next-gen consoles, it was of what Kojima is planning with the open-world stealth game. That kind of shit takes time. And I wouldn't be surprised if it gets nudged into next year to make sure it's up to Kojima's exacting standards.
Mad Max has travelled a long and storied road. as a collaboration between a new studio helmed by God of War 2 director Cory Barlog and Mad Max writer/director George Miller, the new game was actually going to be inspired by an idea for a movie called Mad Max: Fury Road that had been on the backburner since 2003.
Well, something must have happened, because Mad Max: Fury Road is actually getting made (with a May 2015 release date, to boot) and a different Mad Max game was announced at Sony's 2013 press conference, to be released in 2014 by Avalanche Studios. 2014 came and went with no Mad Max game, and there's still no official release date other than a nebulous '2015'. The movie's out this year, so hopefully they can get that locked down at some point, but it wouldn't be the first time a high-profile tie-in got delayed until well after the film's release.
Between the over-hyped Watch Dogs and the technical mess of Assassin's Creed Unity, Ubisoft had a rough 2014. So it's even more surprising to hear that Ubisoft's ambitious action-RPG The Division was supposed to come out the same year. It wisely decided to delay the game until 2015 and hopefully put some distance between itself and the lackluster performance of those other titles.
But is that going to be enough time? The Division is supposed to be a large-scale squad-shooter with all of the MMO trimmings, and having all of those moving pieces to consider - and get working right - takes time. After some high-profile missteps from the massive publisher, The Division needs to be flawless at launch if it ever hopes to recapture our trust. I'm hoping it's as awesome as Ubisoft is saying it is. But I swear, I better not have to climb another tower to reveal more of the in-game map.
EA's 2014 E3 conference was something magical, as having actual smoke and mirrors on stage would've been more substantial than what they showed. 'Oh, hey, we've got a new Mirror's Edge! Here's a video of a guy parkouring up some stairs. Yep, a new Mass Effect is coming… What, you wanted to see the game? Uh… look over there, it's a new game from those guys that made Burnout! It doesn't even have a name yet!"
I'd love to believe that Star Wars Battlefront is going to hit shelves by the holidays and that balance will be restored to the Force, but considering the massively bungled launch (and subsequent year after) of Battlefield 4 and the delay of Battlefield Hardline, I'm guessing that the highly-anticipated return of Star Wars Battlefront won't be coming until the first quarter of 2016, at the very earliest.
Making games is hard <(i>that's an understatement) and it's very easy for a game's development to get bogged down by excessive features, technical hangups, staffing issues, or even . Development hell is a very real thing, and Team Bondi was so buried in it, it was looking like it would never make it out. Its first game, L.A. Noire was first announced in 2004. It finally came out in 2011, largely thanks to Rockstar Games' involvement. Hey, at least it released before Duke Nukem Forever.
Its second project, Whore of the Orient (wow, what a name, huh?), was revealed back in 2012, but practically nothing else is known about it other than a couple of leaked screenshots and the fact that it's set in 1930s Shanghai. And despite the fact that I probably know more about astrophysics than I do about this game, it's still set with a tentative 2015 release date. Even with a new owner heading up the company and Warner Bros. Interactive publishing, I highly doubt we'll get to play this game before the end of the year, if we even get to see it at all.
Coming out of nowhere in 2013 to surprise the spaceship-adorned underoos off everyone, No Man's Sky has many people excited for different reasons. Some people want to set off in their spaceship and explore the great beyond. Others want to explore individual planets until they have fully conquered them. And people like myself want to find out what secrets await those who reach the center of the galaxy. It's a hugely ambitious game with a massive scope, and it's made by a grand total of eight people.
But I can't help but wonder if developer Hello Games might have bitten off more than it can chew. The team has stated that its targeting a 2015 release date, but No Man's Sky seems like the kind of game you throw on Early Access and slowly patch to a full release, rather than simply dumping out fully finished. But this is a high-profile PS4 release (in addition to PC), and that kind of thing just doesn't happen on consoles. Time will tell if we'll get to see what No Man's Sky is all about this year. I know I'm rooting for them.
You'll notice that 'development hell' seems to be a recurring theme for many of the games featured on this list. Well, the Rainbow Six series has been in a weird limbo ever since Rainbow Six Vegas 2 came and went a mere 14 months after its predecessor. The next entry in the series, Rainbow Six Patriots, was supposed to be a combination of tactical gameplay and the gripping drama of TV shows like 24, but after years of delays and the removal of several key developers, Patriots was eventually confirmed dead in 2014.
In its place is Rainbow Six Siege, a more multiplayer-focused title that will pit players in high-octane online battles between terrorist and SWAT teams. We got to see a proof-of-concept gameplay video at Ubisoft's press conference at E3 2014, but little else has been shown. If this game is actually coming in 2015, we'll need to know more than a handful of conceptual ideas.
The Legend of Zelda series is certainly, well, legendary for its prolific delays. Ocarina of Time was supposed to hit in the fall of 1997, but didn't see daylight until a year later. Twilight Princess was similarly delayed a year from its original 2005 release date so Nintendo could simultaneously release a Wii version at that system's launch. Skyward Sword was slated to come out at the end of 2010 but was (you guessed it) also delayed another year to iron out its motion control gameplay.
So yes, I'm insanely hopeful that I'll get to play the new Legend of Zelda game this year as promised, and Lord knows Nintendo needs this thing to come out on time to hold on to whatever small amount of momentum the Wii U still has. And who knows? Maybe a Nintendo in relatively dire straits is a Nintendo that gets games out on time. Still, I'm not holding my breath.
I'm more than willing to eat my fair share of humble pie with a side of crow if any of these games end up coming out this year. And I wouldn't be surprised if any of these titles gets a solid release date mere minutes after this article goes up. Still, it's probably wise to temper your expectations. Is your gut telling you that your favorite game is going to get delayed? Let me know in the comments!
Looking for more to get your hopes up about? Here are our .
When you're a kid, there's no such thing as a video game backlog. You get a few new games a year as birthday or holiday gifts, and you have all the time in the world to play them courtesy of summer vacation. But you and I are adults now, and backlogs are a very real, ever-present part of our continuously growing game libraries. Disposable income and awesome year-round sales give us the means to buy tons of worthwhile games, but real-world responsibilities have robbed us of the time we need to actually play them all.
But I'm vowing to put a dent in my overwhelmingly giant backlog (which you're about to see some selections from) over the next 12 months - and judging by the responses to or the stack of unopened games on your shelf is quite different from actually accomplishing it. If you're determined to finally beat your backlog this year, I've got some sensible tips to help make it happen for the both of us (fingers crossed).
I started doing this in 2013, and it's amazing how much it's helped me to chip away at my backlog. Make the list wherever you like - Google Docs, various game-tracking websites like , a piece of scratch paper, whatever. But being able to look at just how many games you've plowed through, all catalogued in one place, is strangely empowering. Suddenly, it becomes that much more exciting to finally complete a game, so you can add it to the list and move right along to next one. Whittling away titles from your backlog feels so much more meaningful when you've made a record of their completion, rather than letting the experience fade into the aether of your gaming memories.
There's always that game that you'll totally start playing... tomorrow. Time and again, you notice it, smile at the thought of diving into it one day, then return to the game you were actually looking forward to playing. It's time to stop kidding yourself. I've been meaning to play The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion since the Game of the Year Edition in 2007, but you know what? I'm never going to make the time to do so, and I need to be at peace with that. It's not the end of the world to have bought a game but never play it. Instead of thinking of it as wasted money, treat it like a constant reminder to be more deliberate with future purchases. In other words...
It's so tempting to snatch up the new hotness, isn't it? There's always the fear that if you don't, you risk missing out on the latest zeitgeist or having secrets spoiled for you by random dopes on the Internet. But too often, we buy games at full price and only find the time to play them when they're being sold at a ludicrous discount. I've talked at length about , but I'll trumpet it again: good things come to those who wait. In the long run, staving off the impulse to pre-order or buy AAA releases on day one without the express intent of playing them immediately will keep games out of your backlog and money in your wallet.
If you think you're going to happily crank through every Final Fantasy or Grand Theft Auto game in order, then you're setting yourself up for failure. Playing multiple RPGs or open-world games back-to-back can be exhausting no matter how enjoyable they are, because the breadth of content will start to feel like a neverending grind. Instead, alternate between the bigger games on your backlog and shorter, bitesized experiences. I recommend using the excellent site to figure out which of your backlog games will take the most time, making sure that you don't stack all the biggies and burn yourself out in the process.
Speaking of calculating the time it takes to beat a game, it's best that you set some guidelines for yourself when taking on your backlog. My recommendation? Stick to the main campaign and forget about 100 percent completion or DLC missions, even if you already own them. It's totally fine to make an exception for the games you're really loving - but if you're determined to attain every hidden collectible, perfect mission score, and challenge mode to get the most bang for your buck, you're going to end up hating yourself. Forget those fleeting leaderboard positions and ultimately pointless achievements - this is about beating your backlog.
Remember how I talked about making a list of the games you beat? Well, why not do what I seem to do subconsciously in all aspects of life: turn it into a competition! There's a good chance that you and your buddies skipped many of the same games, so why not egg each other on to see who can strike them from the backlog list first? Once you get going, you'll be breezing through your stockpile just to one-up your friends. Yes, you might get accused of padding your list with short indie games (like yours truly) - but you know what? Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet wasn't going to beat itself.
Of course you can't play through all your backlog games at once - that's absurd. But if you think you can just bounce back and forth between them, you're just going to distract yourself to the point of inaction. Instead of trying to inch your way through a bunch of games simultaneously, pick one or two to commit to, and don't allow yourself to play the rest until they're complete. It takes discipline, but when you refuse to let yourself get sidetracked, you'll end up reaching your goal that much quicker.
There are some games that people feel like they need to play for reference, be it a timeless classic like Earthbound, a continuously popular release like Skyrim, or a touchstone of gaming culture like BioShock. But if you boot up the game and just aren't feeling it after a handful of hours, my recommendation is that you just move on. Yes, some games only 'get good' after a dozen hours of investment - but that's time you could spend playing through backlog games that you enjoy every second of. Unless you think you're going to regret your decision on your deathbed, don't force yourself to play through something just to say you did. And hey, that game will always be there if you change your mind.
Before you jump back into a backlog game that you started but never finished, really think about what that might mean. Will you remember the mechanics and controls that got you to your most recent save point, or be able to pick them back up fairly quickly? Did you retain the crucial plot beats up to that point, enough to feel the impact of any twists or revelations that might lie ahead? Do you remember what made you stop playing in the first place, and are you ready to overcome it this time around? If you're unsure about these three questions, then there's a hard choice you have to make: either start the game over from scratch, or just nix it from your backlog completely. Sometimes, it's probably best to stick with the latter.
Looking at a hard drive full of unplayed games can paralyze even the bravest would-be backlog conqueror. When you have so many games just staring you in the face, all of them waiting to be played, it can induce the same anxiety as a stack of unopened bills or those 200 pages of War and Peace you need to read by this Friday. Instead of downloading your digital library in bulk and trying to trudge your way through it, only install the games you plan on playing right now. Unless the Steam/Xbox Live/PSN servers all explode overnight, you'll be able to download your other games at any time - and it's so much easier to complete a task when you divide it up into manageable chunks instead of one monstrous burden.
I'm not saying you should stop playing Destiny, League of Legends, World of Warcraft, or whatever happens to be your online drug of choice. But you have to realize that every moment you spend grinding for gear or climbing the online ladder is time that could go towards your backlog - something that actually has a tangible end point. If you're serious about clearing that stack of pressed-on-disc shame, maybe you don't need to run that raid for the seventh time in the hopes of a lucky drop. If you're hopelessly hooked, then by all means, enjoy it - just manage your expectations about the amount of backlog you can burn through.
This one may be frowned upon by some, but I'm not ashamed to say that I've done it, and will continue to do so. If you're playing a game to experience the story, or explore its rich world, there's nothing wrong with dropping the difficulty down to Easy. Sure, you might not experience the same memorable roadblocks as other players - but when you think about it, is it really so terrible to miss out on an unpleasant shared experience? Easy ensures that you'll cruise through the story at a brisk, constantly engaging pace, without any slogs through grueling sections to discourage you from reaching your goal.
So, think the aforementioned tips won't help? That means it's time to go nuclear. For instance, what if you could add 10 or so hours to your day? All you have to do is buy two of those IV drip chambers they use in hospitals, then fill one with saline solution and the other with Mountain Dew. Once you're all stocked up on adult diapers, you can lock yourself in a room with your backlog and refuse to come back to the known world until you've conquered your entire game library. Be sure to adjust your eyes to natural light slowly, lest you go blind in an instant.
With all that money you saved picking up games on sale, you've got some chump change to throw around. So why not hire a surrogate who can just play through your backlog for you? You can take naps, spend time with friends, or be there for your kids, all while someone else goes through the trouble of playing your games to completion for minimum wage. Once they're finished, ask them to compile the CliffsNotes version of each game, so you can get the same experience in a fraction of the time.
Gather your backlog of games, cases and all, into a sturdy knapsack, then begin the harrowing trek up the tallest mountain you can find. Once you've reached its rocky summit, breathe deeply to fill your lungs with cool, calming air. Raise the sack of games above your head, then with all your might, literally hurl your backlog off a cliff and watch as it tumbles into the unseen wilderness. Who knows - perhaps a game-savvy camper will stumble upon it someday, and your backlog can become theirs. As for all those digital games you own, just commit multiple counts of credit card fraud and your account's as good as suspended! [Editor's note: Do not actually do this.]
I can't guarantee that these tips will eradicate your backlog in one fell swoop - but let's you and I give it our all this year! Do you have any other insightful tips for keeping an ever-expanding backlog at bay? Which games will you be prioritizing on your to-do list? Tell me all about it in the comments section below. Oh, and just FYI, the games you've just seen from my backlog are Fire Emblem: Awakening, The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion, Saints Row The Third, Final Fantasy 7, GTA 4: The Ballad of Gay Tony, Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet (donezo!), The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, Earthbound, Etrian Odyssey 4, The Witcher 2, Knights of the Old Republic, Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor, Fallout: New Vegas, Professor Layton and the Miracle Mask, and Uncharted 3 - a mere fraction of what I have to get through before I die. And truth be told, I've already beaten Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, pictured above - I tossed it in here for Lorenzo's sake, and because it looks so cool.
More and more games give you the option to customize your character's appearance, but you're usually better off sticking with the pre-made suggestions. Sure, you could drop a few hours into tweaking sliders and prodding at palettes until you've made a perfect recreation of your (theoretical) lovechild with Chris Evans… but once you get her in the game, you'll probably realize the lighting was off and she actually has jaundiced skin and a severe overbite.
Thankfully for all of us, there's a better way: stop fighting the creepiness. Let the 'randomize' button do its work and then throw a few sliders to the maximum just for good measure. You'll come up with instantly memorable results in a tenth of the time and I'll have plenty of fodder for another article just like this one. Until then, let's bask in the glory of some of the strangest creatures to emerge from character generation.
This guy looks like the failed result of a cloning experiment that used frog DNA to reconstruct incomplete parts of Hugo Weaving's genome. Life found a way (it always does), but in this case that way also led to asymetrical bug eyes, a nose that's threatening to soar off its face and into the stratosphere, and curiously well-oiled hair. But, really, I could have taken a screenshot of anybody in The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion and used it here. It's damn near impossible to make a Hero of Kvatch who doesn't look like they have a rotten cabbage atop their neck.
Frog Hero by
"Ugh, I know Miranda did her best on the Lazarus Project, but Shepard isn't the same since he came back from the dead. No, no, it's not just the scars. It's… everything. The mouth, the nose, the eyes... God, the eyes! Whenever he looks at me it feels like he's trying to figure out which parts to eat first and which to save for breakf - what are you looking at… Oh. Oh. H-h-hello, Commander."
Creepy Shepard by
OK, so the last one was obvious. Everybody's seen some off-kilter Shepards. Clearly BioWare wouldn't let it happen again in Dragon Age: Inquisition, right? Well. Hm. First we have to determine whether this guy is an elf, or if his ears just do that. And, to be fair, he'd still look like some kind of deep-sea terror even without them. Actually, you know what this Inquisitor is? He's what would happen if drew a clown instead of Joan Collins.
Clownquisitor by
Who's that walking next to Shaundi? No, not the elbow, that's Pierce. I had to cut him out of the image so I could give you a better look at whoever that is next to Shaundi. Is that a grown-up Chucky from Child's Play? No, no, Chucky's a doll, he couldn't grow up. Is it Carrot Top after an unsuccessful start to his boxing career? Ah, no, I know who that must be. That's Frida Kahlo's second cousin once removed, Frodo Kahlo. Shaundi always did appreciate the arts.
Frodo Kahlo by
Oh, no, sorry. There's Chucky. Seems like he's taken up golf and dyed his hair brown, but that's probably just in accordance with PGA regulations. Hey, if hitting the links keeps him from killing babysitters, it sounds fine to me. Looking good out there, Chuck!
Source unknown, probably a bog somewhere
Me gusta.
Source unknown, but wherever it is, I like it
Dark Souls is another one of those games where it's a challenge to make something that doesn't look like a Stretch Armstrong figure post-microwave - it's probably a bigger feat to make a decent-looking dude than to finish the game with him. But this guy is unique, in that I think he might actually look better with the wrinkly, rotten skin of a Hollow. At least you could tell where his cheeks ended and his eye sockets began. Until then, all I can imagine is something that got cut out of Evangelion because they thought it would it would confuse people too much.
Human Instrumentality Man by
I really shouldn't make fun of this guy. He finally makes it as a pro football player only to get stung by 30 bees swarming his face. To add insult to grievous injury, Bugs Bunny then tricks him into sucking up a bunch of liquid alum with a straw so his mouth gets frozen in a permanent pucker. Then he notices his girlfriend making out with his best friend on the sidelines and is rightfully angry and hurt. It was just not a good day to appear in a video game.
Bad day pro by
Have you ever seen one of those Korean horror movies where the protagonist's obsession with her own beauty eventually causes her undoing? And there's usually some horrible, deformed creature that symbolizes the path she's heading down if she keeps focusing on her looks to the exclusion of her friends and family (or maybe it's actually the spirit of a classmate she accidentally killed in high school)? That's pretty much this Sim's entire life. Great hair, though.
K-Horror Sim by
There's a good reason why everybody started off looking so damned ugly in GTA Online: the character creator didn't actually give you direct control of what anything would look like. The end result was a bunch of human compromises marauding around Los Santos, the creations of players who just couldn't be bothered to beat their heads against the system any more. But even now that Rockstar gives you more direct control, your character will still collect hideous scars and bruises throughout a busy play session - as was the case for this sorry-looking specimen, who wasn't even that handsome before he got that shiner.
Mr. Bruises by
Toad! Oh, no! This is why you were never supposed to follow Mario back through the warp pipe, Toad! You're an abomination! How could any just, loving, and GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY allow such a creature to exist, even in WWE 2K14?! You make Goldust look like Margaret Thatcher!
Wrasslin' Toad by
One of the many heartbreaking things about APB is that, no matter how incredibly intricate its character creator is, you'll simply never look nearly as good in-game. Your avatar will show up in the world with fuzzy textures and choppy hair, and you'll feel like you wasted hours perfecting a face only you would ever see in its true form. Unless you get wise like this player and make your character a scarred, misshapen wretch - in which case she'll actually look better with a thick coat of rendering vaseline slathered on.
Green, mean, poorly healing machine by
World of Warcraft only lets you pick a pre-made face from a dozen or so options for each race and gender combination. So you'd think they'd all be winners, right? Maybe winners in the 'everybody gets a medal' sense. But I have one serious question for anybody who picked the face in the upper right. Did you want your character to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger pretending to understand a joke? You can see Blizzard thankfully toned down the cluelessness in the modernized model below, so now he looks like he may get the joke after a few hours of careful consideration.
Facial collage by
It's not the big potato head or the huge, bushy eyebrows. Plenty of Dragon Ball Z characters have those and I don't feel bad for them. It's not the Dumbo-level flappy ears or even the gaunt cheeks. No, the reason my heart aches when I look at this strange man is his sad, empty eyes. That's the look of a man who has gone through so much pain, who knows that he has so much more ahead. And miles to go before he sleeps, and miles to go before he sleeps. He really does look like a baked potato, though.
The Spud of Doubt by
Those are some of my favorite player-made aberrations, but I know that so many more are out there, waiting to spring to life on the character creators of tomorrow. Until then, why don't you share some of your beloved creeps in the comments below?
Want more creepy game people? You're a strange one. Well, might as well check out the .
If you spent years of your life working on a single thing, wouldn’t you want to put your face all over it? That’s why, from time to time, some plain-looking folks appear in media as in-jokes by the producers, as they slip in a cameo for one of the behind-the-scenes people in stuff like Pulp Fiction or Seinfeld. Games engage in the 'creator cameos' trope just as much as anyone, though often only the weirdest moments are memorable.
If you don’t know the names of the people making your favorite games, creator cameos can be jarring, especially so when they’re as unexpected as these. Why just have your picture in the background when you can star in an escort mission? Or have game breaking powers? Or simply yell ‘Toasty!’ at the player? These are the times when game makers took full advantage of their limited screentime.
Series mastermind Hideo Kojima stuck his face in the background of several previous games, and even supplied the voice of a deity in a later game, but he took his cameos to a new level in 2014. Metal Gear Solid 5: Ground Zeroes main mission is a little on the short side, so the game attempts to stretch things out with a handful of side missions, including one that .
Kojima made numerous cameos in previous Metal Gear games, but his most recent might also be the oddest, mainly for how much in your face Kojima is this time around. The mission has Snake flying in via helicopter and blasting his way through the base until he finds Hideo. Once he frees the boss and gets him to the chopper, the two fly off to safety, though Kojima’s consciousness isn’t fully restored until he puts back on his famous glasses. He then says, “What took you so long?” Is this a reference to the fans still patiently waiting for the next installment?
Peter Moore has a long history in gaming, probably more storied than most realize. Years before he was showing off his Halo and GTA tattoos at E3, he ran Sega of America during the Dreamcast years. After gaining fame with Xbox, he moved on to Electronic Arts I’where he made his oddest appearance to date: as a virtual boxer in FaceBreaker.
Made as a throwback to arcadey punch-fests of old, FaceBreaker has over-the-top moves and finishers, along with a cartoonish collection of characters. A hyper-exaggerated version of Moore is among them, with the COO mainly included for promotional purposes at events like E3. And the devs included some truly famous folks in the virtual boxing ring via the character creator. So, if you’re wondering why you’ll find a video called ',' FaceBreaker is why.
Speaking of Peter Moore, his E3 appearances at Microsoft led to another reference that many gamers either didn’t notice or didn’t get. In the underrated XBLA hit The Dishwasher, there’s an Achievement titled The Peter Moore, and the official description says "Pay homage to one of our generation's greatest rock performances ever." Considering it pops up while the protagonist plays a guitar, what could this possibly refer to? An E3 moment Moore likely wishes never happened.
Back at E3 2007, Peter Moore took part in an early live demo of the then-new Rock Band, and he didn’t yet have mastery of his instrument. As tens of thousands watched worldwide, Moore twice hit the Xbox guide button while playing, sending the rocking demo to a laughable halt. Dishwasher has some rhythm-based minigames where the character picks up an axe and wails away, and if you hit the guide button during the segment, you’ll net the Achievement. Hopefully, in the time between E3 and the game’s release, Moore looked back on the gaffe with humor instead of embarrassment.
Keiji Inafune made a name for himself as an outspoken game maker at Capcom, and then later as an independent developer. Also known as the man behind Mega Man, Inafune built his team at Comcept to create a number of new series - but he also found time to take part in the very niche crossover Hyperdimension Neptunia mk2.
Neptunia is a weird JRPG series that doubles as meta-commentary about the games industry, with anime girl deities that work as thinly veiled counterparts to PlayStation, Xbox, and Wii consoles. Mk2’s industry commentary goes even deeper with cameos from characters like Disgaea’s Prinnies, and Keiji’s . Dubbed the Creator Sword, Inafune’s head is called down from on high, he shoots a massive energy beam out of his mouth, then his smiling visage returns to the heavens. For those unfamiliar with the history of Japanese gaming, that moment has to feel pretty damn random.
I don’t think I’m being hyperbolic when I say The Simpsons is the most important piece of satire in the last century, and that it transformed society (OK, maybe that last bit is a little overboard). But I’ve been a super-fan of Springfield since I first saw it over 25 years ago, and its tongue-in-cheek humor was a huge draw. The series even had some scathing, self-referential attacks on the series creators, including Matt Groening. That same irreverence stretched to 2007’s The Simpsons Game, which had a joke where Homer, Marge, Bart, and Lisa .
Groening’s yellow-skinned creations have no doubt made him a rich man, but the game comically represents Groening as wealthier than Scrooge McDuck. The Simpsons battle their way through their creator’s mansion among piles of cash and gold, ultimately finding Groening in his cavernous office. Matt calls in some Futurama character cameos for assistance, but is still defeated by Springfield’s Finest. As he flees the battlefield, Groening writes his name on the screen as a final, egotistical move that’s fitting for his in-game persona.
David Cage is either famous or infamous to most that know his name. He’s the outspoken developer behind Quantic Dream, a studio that attempts to blur the lines between gaming and film storytelling (they don’t always succeed). After games like Heavy Rain and Beyond: Two Souls, we know what to expect, but the multiple-choice gameplay needed some explanation in Quantic’s first game: Indigo Prophecy/Fahrenheit. Good thing David Cage is there to have it all make sense.
Before Indigo’s intriguing mystery can unfold, . And he’s giving this explanation on a sort of film set for the game you’re about to play. This tutorial may have been necessary for some, but with Cage’s heavily accented English, he might not be the best guide. Plus, having the creator speak directly to the audience before the game begins is a bit jarring - though I doubt anyone would ever accuse Cage of being subtle.
Stan Lee has been a fixture of pop culture for over five decades, and thanks to numerous cameos in Marvel films, the comic writer may be more famous than ever. Like your lovable, nerdy grandpa, Stan Lee has even made a few appearances in Marvel games, fitting for the co-creator of most of the company’s most iconic heroes, Spider-Man included. However, the game tie-in for 2012’s The Amazing Spider-Man did far more than give Lee a brief walk-on - the game makes him the hero.
reskins Spidey as the besuited comic mogul, giving Stan The Man all the same moves and abilities as the wallcrawler. It’s a cute set of missions, with Lee’s uniquely nasal voice throwing out one liners all over Manhattan as he catches crooks just like flies. It’s also a groundbreaking move at diversifying games - how many other titles star a 92-year-old man?
Gamers of the ‘90s have this creator cameo burned into their brains, even if they never really knew who the man in the corner of their screen is. First seen in Mortal Kombat 2, when you pull off an uppercut at just the right time, a seemingly random dude will pop out of the corner of the screen and say 'Toasty!' in a high-pitched voice. That’s MK sound designer Dan Forden, and this little in-joke became an unforgettable part of the series.
The phrase and Folden returned in Mortal Kombat 3, this time with a new purple shirt and extra catchphrases like 'Frosty' and 'Crispy,' and no one really questioned it. MK players just got used to seeing some unnamed dude interrupt their bloody fight with a strange falsetto. For a time, Holden vanished from the series, but made an HD return in the Mortal Kombat reboot, this time wearing a shirt with toast on it. Just how much sillier can Dan’s look get in Mortal Kombat X?
Those are all the oddball cameos for now, but if you have other celebrity sighting you want to discuss, have at it in the comments.
Looking for more things that hide in plain sight? Check out our collections of .
