In the last few weeks, I've committed to a relationship with a horned sassmaster in Dragon Age: Inquisition, witnessed a noir romance in . There's a lot of love in all that code, but like the grouchy curmudgeon I am, I sit here decrying youthful joy and pointing out that that's not how real relationships work, bah humbug!

My hyperbolic bitterness aside, video games really do give some terrible romantic advice, and I don't just mean the dating sims. Look long and hard enough, and you'll start to notice the same implicit, wink-and-a-nod suggestions about why common interests don't really matter and how buying love works great. Sure, everyone's different, so some of this advice might work on some people some of the time. But if you go out there thinking it's as sure-fire as Cupid's arrows? You're gonna be in for some serious heartbreak. Consider this Top 7 a warning. Trust me. I know all about bad love advice.

In video games… between all the village-avenging, death-defying, and mook-killing game characters deal with on a daily basis, there usually isn't much time to kindle a proper romance. Asking someone out is rough enough when all you have to worry about is whether you have something in your teeth and whether the mustard stain really came out of your favorite shirt. When you can barely hold a conversation because the clock on this nuke is counting down way faster than it should, that's gonna throw off your game. But get that heartfelt love confession out between waves of howling enemies and, barring a heroic sacrifice during the last cutscene, you two are together for life.

But really… While asking your crush out to coffee without forgetting what language is can be a challenge, there's a whole new set of puzzles waiting in relationship-land. You never see video game characters argue about where the money's going to come from for a new rebel hideout, or start a shouting match because one of them left the legendary weapons out in the rain again. Relationships take work, and it's certainly worth the effort to be with someone awesome. Just keep in mind that comparatively, getting the date is the equivalent of the level one boss.

In video games… our lovebirds meet just as they kick off their adventures, and during their journey to the big bad's hideout/the promised land/MacGuffins "R" Us they fall for each other. You'll usually get a few cutscenes where they discuss their immediate futures, and Person A will definitely save Person B at least once. A little longer and then they start gazing into each other's eyes and shouting each other's names in moments of peril, and all that's left is to pick the wedding venue.

But really… did a discussion of hobbies ever come up? How about beliefs and values not immediately important to the plot? Whether they like their eggs scrambled or sunny side up?? Yes, obviously games have to be economical with their time, and lovebirds exchanging recipes probably ends up on the cutting room floor. However, that often leaves us looking at a couple who have seemingly nothing in common, because they never actually talk. Can you name one thing that Squall and Rinoa share aside from a mission to save the world and intense social stupidity? No you cannot, because they don't have one. That might be fine for them, but real relationships tend to last longer than twenty hours, so follow this bit of gaming's best romance wisdom and you're going to run out of stuff to talk about real fast.

In video games… you solve puzzles by putting item A into slot B, and relationships are basically puzzles, so it's really the same thing. I of course mean that item A is a gift and/or good deed of sorts, and slot B is the person that you love, and those gifts are the key to the puzzle of their heart (I know what you were thinking, pervert). The same way you feed coins into a vending machine and get health packs out, you feed kindness into your crush and will inevitably get love out. That's just economics.

But really… while there are plenty of folks out there who dream of being showered with gifts and affection by a generous suitor, it isn't as ubiquitous as games make it look. In fact, some people don't like receiving gifts or being the focus of over-the-top good deeds, especially when the giver has never disclosed their true intentions and/or has said maybe five words to them in their entire life. The discomfort meter fills up even faster when the giver's looking for something unspoken in return, especially if they do it with a creepy smile while breathing really hard. Don't be that giver.

In video games… when you have multiple romance options, you're probably going to have a favorite. You could focus all of your attention on them, trying to kindle a deep romance that will one day see you rocking on a digital porch together with wrinkly old face textures. But there is a chance they might not like you, meaning you'll end up romance-less, die alone, and most likely get eaten by your many cats. Best to play the field from the get-go and create as many romantic opportunities as possible, then pick and choose from the lovelorn fish you managed to hook.

But really… the lady/gent you're carrying a torch for has peripheral vision, and can definitely see you flirting with someone else less than five feet away. Some games do a good job of showing the jealousy this creates - romantic rivals in Mass Effect throw legendary shade - but it usually doesn't get past sexy catfighting for exclusive right to play tonsil-hockey with you. You never see the love interest who knows they're too good for this shit and peaces out - in games anyway. You'll see a lot more of that in the real world.

In video games… it can be nerve-wracking trying to court an RPG companion or dating sim cutie, because sometimes you just don't know what's going to get the best response. But don't worry - if you get stuck, there are plenty of walkthroughs and guides that tell you exactly what you need to do to raise your beloved's love meter. Whether it's what tasks you need to perform or how you should converse with them down to individual dialogue options, winning them over is a simple process as long as you follow the manual.

But really… While romancing a certain so-and-so in Dragon Age, I had to choose between jailing or killing a criminal. I decided that jailing him would be the best call... and my darling love greatly disapproved. Goddamn! It may be easy to reload a save and change my mind in a game, but if I confronted a similarly tough ultimatum in real life, giving in wouldn't be good for either of us. Sure, it means less conflict now, but it makes me miserable, makes my beau feel like I'm never being genuine with them, and creates a relationship that can't handle even the slightest bit of blowback. And it will come. Oh boy will it ever come.

In video games… something terrible's happened that's left your digital love interest utterly distraught. Their village burned down, their family's dead, their favorite character kicked it in Game of Thrones - whatever the specifics, some heart-shattering tragedy has occurred that's left them beside themselves. This is naturally the perfect time for you to console them. Yep. Console them. You know what I'm getting at, insert inappropriately obvious wink. By supporting them in their time of need, they see you truly care, and the two of you cement your relationship, which may or may not involve making out in a pond.

But really… I'm not going to say this never works, because for some folks physical comfort really is the best medicine. Different strokes and all. But there's also a chance your love interest will find you coming onto them when they're at their lowest seriously annoying, if not unbelievably creepy. You really need to know someone before you make this move, and given it usually happens at the same time as the couple's first kiss? 'Courting disaster' sums it up nicely.

In video games… remember a couple slides ago, where I mentioned guides being the way to your beloved's heart? Well bring that one 'round again, because they're essential to getting everything right. It might be a rough road winning the heart of a picky potential partner, and you might have to do some things you aren't proud of (be prepared to hide more than one body). But with determination and meticulous attention to detail, you can guarantee you'll get the happy ending you so desperately want.

But really… remember a couple slides ago, where I mentioned that guides don't work in real life? And a few slides before that, when I pointed out everything on this list is really bad advice - you get where I'm going with this. As rough as it might be, you can 'do everything right' in a bid to win another person's affections, and they might still turn you down because they don't feel the same. As heartbreaking as that can be, it doesn't make either of you bad people, or the connection you did have any less valuable. And hey, it's a big 'ol world out there. Game characters may be stuck to the romantic paths coded for them, but you? Your love life is yours to generate

Those are the Top 7 worst bits of gaming love advice and how disastrous it can be when they’re applied to the real world. All that finger-wagging might make me sound like a loveless sourpuss, but trust me when I say that isn’t so! I mean, I definitely refer to Valentine’s as Single’s Awareness Day, but when it comes to you having a happy love life, I want nothing more than for you to succeed - and avoid every one of these romantic snares with Pitfall!-like grace. Ever tried out one of these suggestions yourself? Got any stories of associated disaster, or did this all totally work for you and I have no idea what I’m talking about? Go ahead and break hearts in the comments below.

Before Blockbuster came to represent the death of the brick and mortar video game rental business, it was a blue-and-gold juggernaut whose reached extended from coast to coast. In its prime, Blockbuster's influence was so great that it actually began requisitioning video games to be released exclusively in its stores. And while I'm sure this seemed like a very good idea on paper, in practice it spawned a whole slew of bad to mediocre titles, many of which were mere updates to existing releases.

Building a comprehensive list of all the Blockbuster exclusives is surprisingly challenging, mostly because it comes by way of word of mouth. Rumors and speculation abound about which games were "true" exclusives and which had proper retail release after the fact. For those in the latter category, I've included the [Limited Exclusive] tag. Please let me know if there are any I missed! But now, without further ado...

True to its name, ClayFighter: Tournament Edition was a slightly updated version of the original, in the same vein as Street Fighter 2: Champion Edition and others. The game fixed bugs, added new modes, and did a bunch of other stuff no one ever noticed or appreciated. It helped pave the way for the bizarrely named ClayFighter 2: Judgement Clay and, later on, another Blockbuster exclusive on the Nintendo 64.

This special version of Donkey Kong Country was designed specifically for the second Blockbuster World Video game Championships, which were held in 1994 (though it was really more of a North American championship). Donkey Kong Country was one of the featured games, and this version has only a handful of stages, no animal tokens, and a score counter, as the BWVGC was largely a high-score based competition.

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This is what most people expect when they hear the term "Blockbuster exclusive." Eek! The Cat on the SNES was a painfully overblown escort mission involving an old woman who relentless walks in whatever direction she's facing, a purple cat who was in no way Garfield, and teeth-gnashing, hair-splitting gameplay where you must protect this old lady from harm. The game itself is actually an updated version of , developed by the same team.

When beloved arcade beat-'em-up Final Fight made its debut on home consoles back in 1990, fans were disappointed to see that several features got cut along the way. No industrial stage. No cooperative play. No Guy. Everyone loves Guy! That's why Guy later got his own version of the game, where he replaced Cody. Still no industrial stage or co-op though...

While Eek! The Cat didn't garner much love, developer Ocean once again stepped up to the plate with another Blockbuster Exclusive, Mr. Nutz. The games stars a red, anthropomorphic squirrel - because we were so clever in the '90s - in a short, 2D platformer. While largely forgotten today, those who do remember the game remember it because it was rather, well, . And if you lived outside of North America, you could totally pick up this gem at other gaming retailers.

Fire Dogs continues the time-honored tradition of developers making terrible platformers based off of popular cartoons. Miraculously, the game somehow manages to squeeze hours worth of content out of a single episode of the Ren Stimpy cartoon, specifically the one about them painting themselves up as dalmatians to get a job at the firehouse. And if its sluggish, unresponsive controls didn't send you sprinting back to Blockbuster, the irritating music loop certainly would.

Not to be confused with the Donkey Kong Championship Cartridge mentioned earlier, the Blockbuster World Championship II video game was an all-in-one package for the Sega version of Blockbuster's World Championship event. The cartridge contained an oddball combo of Acclaim's NBA Jam and Judge Dredd, two wildly different styles of gaming for players to test their skills and compete for the high score. When the BWC was finished, these cartridges were supposed to be destroyed, however a few have survived to this day (fetching a pretty penny online).

The Game Factory cartridges were a forward-thinking bit of technology on the part of Blockbuster. They were basically flashcarts that could have any Genesis game available at the time loaded onto them via a dial-up connection. The cartridges came in different colors - blue, green, and red - which indicated the size and capabilities of the cartridge. It's interesting to think that a major retailer was using piracy techniques as a business strategy.

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It's starting to seem like every video game franchise had an obligatory Championship Edition at some point in the '90s. In Madden '93's case, this new edition added in everything from the base game plus the eight greatest NFL teams at that point in time (as of 1992, anyway). As anyone who has been to a second-hand game store knows, there is a veritable sea of used Madden games on the market, but this one - because of its rarity as a Blockbuster exclusive - is the mother of them all.

Blockbuster just couldn't get enough of that awkward ClayFighter action the first time around, so they brought the series back with another rental exclusive, this time titled Sculptor's Cut (because of clay, get it?). The biggest addition in this version was the inclusion of four new characters, one of which is the Statue of Liberty. Thankfully, Sculptor's Cut finally ended the tyranny of ClayFighter, and it has since become one of the most rare and expensive N64 cartridges in existence.

Amid so many horrors, Stunt Racer 64 enjoys the distinction of being an absolutely decent racing game. It combines arcade-style racing, with extreme futuristic technology like rocket boosters, which let your car perform all sorts of sweet, mid-air tricks. As you barrel roll - excuse me, aileron roll - your way to the finish line, you earn currency to buy new parts and cars. However, despite being a solid game, it never saw a wider release.

Transformers: Beast Wars Transmetals - which is a real word jumble of a title - is yet another awkward, painful fighting game dropped into the laps of unsuspecting children thanks to Blockbuster Video. Sticking to genre traditions, Transmetals stars a whole bunch of characters who are all fighting for reasons no one cares about, and there are super moves. You don't even really fight so much as run around spamming projectiles while grunting "Urgh! Urgh! Urgh!"

NFL Blitz Special Edition is basically NFL Blitz 2001, only this time it's called "Special Edition" instead of "2001" which makes it different. This gets a pass, however, as NFL Blitz's hilarious combination of wrestling moves and simplified gridiron rules is still awesome. While Special Edition started out as a rental only, Blockbuster eventually started selling the game in its stores as well.

While Razor Freestyle Scooter was released on several different platforms, only the Nintendo 64 version was exclusive to Blockbuster. But not even the sweet, sweet allure of exclusivity could entice the masses to try this poor imitation of the Tony Hawk skateboarding series. How bad is it? It manages to have a plotline involving robots abducting children - in a scooter game - and still not be awesome.

This game is a collection of mini games themed around - you guessed it - track and field sports. And by "track" and "field" I mean "button" and "mashing" because that's just about all you do in it. For many kids, this was the ideal rental game, because you'd play it for a day or two and then never touch it again.

Capitalizing on the success of the Indiana Jones movies, Infernal Machine pitted Indy against the Soviets in a race to collect the four pieces of the titular device, a biblical MacGuffin that does something. While the game was praised for its detailed plotline and interesting stages, it was ultimately torpedoed by the killer of so many Nintendo 64 games: poor controls. In addition to being available to rent or buy at Blockbuster stores, customers could also order the game straight from LucasArts' website.

The troubled history of , which remains one of the most stupendous flops in gaming history, does not need to be retold here. Suffice to say, the underwhelming PC release spawned an equally underwhelming N64 flophouse exclusive to Blockbuster. It ultimately did little to help the struggling game, and was later given a standalone retail release.

It should come as no surprise at this point, but Eggs of Steel was yet another awkward, laborious game that further cemented the Blockbuster exclusivity program as a den of depravity with the motto "Who gives a shit?" The game stars a low-res animated gif of an egg wearing overalls who walks around a pre-rendered steel mill while reading letters from his girlfriend. His name is Charlie and sometimes he dies but not often enough.

Given the amount of raw edginess radiating from this game, one would assume Freestyle Street Soccer follows in the wake of Razor Freestyle Scooter as another watered-down, simplistic clone of a superior game. Somehow, miraculously, astonishingly even, this is not the case. Freestyle Street Soccer is a decent, arcade-style soccer game with four-on-four matches and an emphasis on tricks. Of course, the machismo-driven, turf-war attitude is still completely laughable.

The unfortunate Outlaw series of sports games - which mixed mediocre sports mechanics with a lethal dose of hypersexualized badittude - spawned a handful of Blockbuster exclusives. They were basically DLC packs you could rent. The two Golf games have Christmas-themed links and outfits for the golfers, while the Volleyball game is set in Hell (which is actually kind of awesome).

Chances are, there are still some more games out there that were part of the Blockbuster exclusivity program that aren't included on this list. If there are any I've missed, let me know in the comments below and I'll see about getting them added.

And for further reading on GR+ head on over to .

Now that the seems great, and Monster Hunter Ultimate 4 is definitely more Monster Hunter, but what else are you going to do with this hunk of faster-processing plastic after you're done with Xenoblade Chronicles 3D? Fortunately for all of us, Nintendo doesn't have to go back to the drawing board to find ideas that would be perfect for its handheld system.

Tons of existing properties from Nintendo and beyond could make great use of the improved 3D effects and bolstered control scheme - not to mention a good number that would've been absolutely fine on the old 3DS as well. Nintendo execs, if you're reading, consider this our official wish list of awesome games to get working on post-haste for your shiny new console revision.

Metroid Prime Trilogy has been a no-brainer port ever since 3DS hit the scene, but the upgraded specs and controls of New 3DS make it all the more obvious. Since Metroid Prime's combat uses a lock-on system, you wouldn't have to worry about being overly precise with the little C-Stick nub, and you'd have another set of shoulder buttons to work with so you'd rarely need to shift your grip. It could also offer a touchscreen-driven view option, for all those poor souls who are still hoping for Metroid Prime Hunters 2, as well as visor-swapping and map management.

Much like Xenoblade Chronicles, the Metroid Prime Trilogy would probably need to lose a little bit of texture resolution to function on 3DS, but rolling around in morph ball and dodging space pirates in buttery smooth 3D sounds like a fine trade-off. It would also be a great way for Retro Studios to get back into the groove of making Metroid games. Just saying.

Minecraft has released just about everywhere besides Nintendo 3DS at this point, which is a bit puzzling. Yeah, memory constraints would almost certainly make for less-expansive worlds than you see on its PC and console cousins, but that hasn't kept people from going gaga over the Pocket Edition on iOS and Android devices. And besides, why stick with just a Vita version when the 3DS could give you such an awesome new way to interact with the world?

Seriously, just imagine how cool it would feel to navigate around a mysterious cavern in full 3D - suddenly you hear a familiar hiss, and there's a creeper popping out of your screen. And as a step up from Vita, the top screen could be reserved for watching the game world, with inventory and crafting concerns neatly relegated to the touchscreen. Unfortunately, now that Microsoft owns Minecraft, it's not likely to release on any more non-Microsoft platforms than it already has. But still, we can dream.

Pikmin is one of Nintendo's most under-appreciated franchises, and you know if creator Shigeru Miyamoto wasn't so keen on the idea of little plant people marching around gigantic gardens it wouldn't have gotten this far. It's just been a little too niche to become one of Nintendo's flagship series, but porting the first game over to 3DS could introduce Pikmin to an entirely new generation of fans - fans who will then hopefully buy a Wii U and Pikmin 3.

The control scheme is just about sorted already - simply drop in the same touchscreen setup which was patched into Pikmin 3. And while the lush graphics wouldn't look quite so crisp on 3DS, the 3D effect could give you players a much better sense of the game world's mind-melting scale. It would also be a good chance for Nintendo to refine the strict time limits which made the original GameCube version too stressful for some - much the same way that sanding off a few rough edges in Majora's Mask 3D makes for a less stressful but equally intense experience.

Did you know that Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch was first released as a DS game? The Level-5/Studio Ghibli collaboration shipped on the handheld system in December 2010 exclusively in Japan. You're likely more familiar with the PS3 version, which released in Japan a little over a year later and throughout the rest of the world in early 2013, but issues with the game's physical Wizard's Companion book held the DS version back from international release.

Ni no Kuni didn't make much of a splash when it released overseas, but it's become abundantly clear that handhelds are now the last great refuge for JRPGs. So it makes almost too much sense to release an enhanced version of the original DS game on 3DS. Just imagine peering into that vibrant, Ghibli-blessed world on the 3D screen - you'd have to pick your jaw up before you could start playing. And yes, the resolution boost over DS should allow for a digital Wizard's Companion to work just fine.

Somehow Sega passed over Nintendo 3DS when it released its HD remake of Jet Set Radio, the cult classic Dreamcast roller skating game. No matter, though - all will be forgiven if it rectifies that mistake posthaste. Seriously, Jet Set Radio would be a perfect fit for 3DS - timed challenges are great for on-the-go play, and it could definitely handle the processing load. But why would you play it over the already great Vita version?

The most obvious reason is that it would just be super cool to blaze through Tokyo-to at high speed on a 3D display. Imagine getting a downhill grind on a nice long straightaway, watching the city soar from the horizon into your periphery as pedestrians scramble out of the way But beyond that, it would control great on a Circle Pad, and you could even use the touch-screen for a much more precise take on those notoriously tough graffiti challenges. Just say it out loud: 'Jet Set Radio 3D'. Doesn't it sound right?

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Kid Icarus: Uprising is already a 3DS title! Isn't it kind of obvious to say that a 3DS game could, in fact, make a great 3DS game? Fair point. But it would make an even better New 3DS game. And it's largely because of one small, nubby, pencil-eraser-shaped addition: the C-Stick. Kid Icarus: Uprising was plenty well-received when it released in 2012, but it suffered from one nearly universal complaint: trying to control the high-speed shooting/brawling action with a Circle Pad and touchscreen was awkward at best, and carpal-tunnel inducing at worst.

Patching in a new control scheme that uses the C-Stick instead of the lower screen could change all that. Yes, Nintendo could've used the Circle Pad Pro all along instead of just making it an option for left-handed players. But now that tons of players natively have a second analog input to play with (and a 3D display they might actually leave turned on), it's time to go back and make Uprising's controls live up to the concept.

Almost by happenstance, Wario has grown from a one-off caricature of Nintendo's mascot into the star of his own subseries of games.Wario Land is his oldest solo franchise, and the flatulent one's most animated adventures is in Wario Land: Shake It. The colorful, dynamic world has a great look on the Wii, so it's a shame many missed out on its odd sense of humor while favoring the more mainstream New Super Mario Bros. Wii.

But perhaps Shake It is underrated because the Wii game was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The Wario Land series had only been on portables up to that release, so the franchise might have been hurt by the transition, meaning it could reclaim its place as a handheld gem via some port work. The New 3DS should have no trouble making the intricate line art pop, meaning all the long hard hours of the animators won't have been wasted on a small percentage of the Wii's audience.

After some early ports of Street Fighter and Tekken, the 3DS's fighting landscape has become a barren wasteland. However, the release of reminds fans that the handheld can still be home to addictively fun melees, particularly if it takes advantage of a fan-service heavy crossover. That sets the stage for an anime-heavy tussle that needs to hop over from the Wii, Tatsunoko vs. Capcom.

The crossover was originally planned as a Japan-only release--given that most of Tatsunoko's characters are virtual unknowns in the west--but Capcom localized the game following vocal demands from fans. Tatsunoko vs. Capcom wasn't a on Wii, but maybe it was just aimed at the wrong audience. That hardcore fighting fans on 3DS are energized post Smash, and the New 3DS should be able to handle the fast-paced action. This fighter deserves to be played by more than the small cross section of hardcore fighting fans that are also Wii owners.

WayForward is a developer that often toils away in obscurity, making 2D throwbacks that are neck deep in affection for the 8- and 16-bit era of gaming. The team has gained some notoriety working on Capcom's DuckTales remake along with some other licensed games that are far better than they deserve to be, but those can't hold a candle to WayForward's sterling work on the Wii. Nintendo's waggle-heavy console is home to the team's remake of NES classic A Boy And His Blob, which deserves to be reborn once again on the 3DS.

In an age of polygons and purposefully retro pixels, A Boy And His Blob sidestepped both, instead going with hand-drawn visuals that support the overall warmth of the minimalist adventure. The platforming action demands logic and quick reflexes, tasking players with finding different combinations of the blob's abilities to get them to the end of the stage. It's an adorable game that would make a smart addition to the 3DS eShop, giving handheld players a chance to make a squishy new friend.

At this moment, I'm imagining you're thinking, "Ok, GamesRadar, this is all in good fun, but you've gone too far with this one. Who in the hell wants a fishing game for 3DS?" Would you warm to the idea if I told you Fishing Resort comes from the mind of Sonic co-creator Yuji Naka and his development team called Prope? Yes, at one time any type of game seemed like the next Wii Sports, even a breeze lifestyle sim based around catching trout. It didn't catch on then, but the 3DS might have been the right home for it all along.

Fishing Resort clearly takes inspiration from Animal Crossing, except it focuses on the fishing gameplay. The huge number of unlockables and wide variety of fish to catch scratches the same collectors itch as Animal Crossing, and with a similar relaxed vibe. Thanks to the huge global sales of Animal Crossing: New Leaf (and to a lesser extent, Tomodachi Life), there might finally be an audience primed for Naka's vision of digital angling. Plus, Prope already has experience with the 3DS after making Monster Manor, the addicting Mii Plaza game.

Thanks in no small part to the lack of western developed games for the 3DS, the handheld has become a treasure trove for Japanese games that would've been seen as too niche in the past. Titles like Bravely Default and Fire Emblem: Awakening are pulling in bigger sales than their genre counterparts on consoles, signaling that just about any obscure titles has a chance on Nintendo's handheld. And if the New 3DS opens the door to more Wii ports, why not give one of Japan's most obscure franchises another shot at western success by porting Sakura Wars: So Long, My Love?

Sakura Wars earned a following in Japan by mixing hardcore strategy elements with dating sim mechanics and a steampunk ethos, becoming one of the best-selling franchises on the Sega Saturn. After a dozen Sakura games went unlocalized, non-Japanese players finally got their first taste of the series on Wii, but the peculiar mix of robot battles and dating Broadway actresses was lost on system owners (crazy, right?). Now that the New 3DS has Wii level power, and a niche audience that's grown accustomed to weird things from Japan, maybe Sakura Wars will get a second chance to make a first impression.

Platinum Games' blood-soaked brawler didn't have nearly enough fanfare on the Wii. Its pulpy, black-and-white visuals were a stark departure from the rest of the Wii library, and the hyperviolent executions Jack doled out to his foes were more than worthy of an M rating. As captivating as the Sin City-style aesthetic was, there were times when the backdrop would blend into a monochromatic blur. You know what would change all that? Depth perception.

The gory insanity of the DeathWatch gameshow would leap off the screen in 3D, making Jefferson Island's gritty streets as visually mesmerizing as the over-the-top character designs. Plus, watching Jack plunge his chainsaw into a baddie's midsection as viscera splatters against the screen would kick the already-absurd levels of bloodshed up a notch. As long as you could ignore the horrified expressions of onlookers on the train/plane/bus, MadWorld 3DS would make for one hell of a handheld beat-'em-up.

The PSOne era moved away from cute mascots and sidescrollers, and Namco’s Klonoa was guilty of being both. The odd blue rabitty thing’s undeniable adorability might have turned off some PlayStation gamers, but the melancholy platformer earned a cult fan base. And Namco felt that the game deserved a full-fledged remake on the Wii, where it was likely even more overlooked the second time around.

Both the original and the remake of Klonoa had 2D gameplay in a 3D world that was mostly just suggested through camera angles and simple polygons. Klonoa’s 2.5D world would be much livelier in stereoscopic 3D, and classic platformers are already thriving on the 3DS. At some point Klonoa is going to run out of second chances, but we hope Namco gives the little guy one more shot at stardom.

Nintendo took a real risk on green-lighting Sin and Punishment: Star Successor, let alone localizing it in the west. Created by underrated developer Treasure, it was a sequel to an N64 game that didn’t leave Japan until it came to Wii’s Virtual Console in 2009. On top of that, it was the type of auto-scrolling shooter that Wii’s grandmotherly audience can’t be that enticed by. But Treasure still delivered a great game to the few players that noticed.

The Sin and Punishment series has always had more than a little in common with the Star Fox series, and SP would likely profit from a 3D conversion like the one Star Fox 64 enjoyed. And SP’s controls could be adjusted to work with the little-used second analogue stick, or it could replicate the input of Kid Icarus: Uprising. We’d miss seeing the action on our TV, but the fast pace of the action is better for a handheld anyway.

As the NES and SNES iterations of Punch-Out!! proved, waggle controls are not at all necessary to craft a fantastic boxing game. Less about actual punches and more about your adaptation to a set of patterns, the Punch-Out!! reboot on the Wii showed that Little Mac clearly had some fight left in him. Why not let him go a few rounds in the portable ring? Better yet, why not give King Hippo and Bear Hugger some three-dimensional girth that really pops off the screen?

Colorful visuals have a way of keeping their appeal even when shrunken down, and Punch-Out's cartoony style would likely follow the trend. The behind-the-back camera perspective would look nifty in 3D, and the sensation of seeing a punch actually coming at you would make it that much more apparent that it's time to dodge. A sideways Wii Remote was our preferred method of control for the original--a control scheme that would transition effortlessly to the 3DS. Simply put, we're shocked this port doesn't exist yet. Maybe Doc Louis has a thing against handhelds.

This combat-centric sidescroller is already one of the most beautiful games ever made, depicting the demons and ogres of Japanese myth with the fluid, painterly style that only Vanillaware can create. But close your eyes and try to imagine what these already-gorgeous visuals would look like after a trip through the 3D machine. The parallax layers of the background, mixed with the striking character designs, would make Muramasa look like an exquisitely detailed diorama come to life.

We already know that the game can work on a handheld system--Muramasa Rebirth is already available on the PlayStation Vita. So why not spend a little extra moolah and give the 3DS its own version? The more people who experience the journey of Kisuke and Momohime, the better. If Vanillaware was feeling extra generous, they could tweak Musou mode to be even more accessible, akin to the beginner-friendly nature of Donkey Kong Country Returns 3D's New Mode.

You don’t need to imagine some fantasy world or sci-fi future to find a great setting for a game. You just have to think small and watch a few nature documentaries. There you’ll find a world of insects that is as brutal and stark as anything in God of War, and Deadly Creatures dropped players into such a world with a common spider and scorpion as the main characters. It was an incredibly unique game that no one played.

But its creative approach to third person action isn’t the only reason it deserves a new start on the 3DS. The world of insects was composed of underground tunnels, and the nooks and crannies of mundane homes. The levels were designed to feel alien. The look of those areas would only get stronger with the inclusion of a third dimension of depth. We just need to find who ended up with the rights after THQ closed, add a handful of touch controls, and we’re good to go.

Given that Link's adventures are pretty much a free money machine for Nintendo, there's really no reason not to make his darker escapade go portable. Unlike Skyward Sword, Twilight Princess would do just fine without motion controls (see: the GameCube version). The darker hues of its ethereal realm would look stunning in 3D, and the thought of seeing bristling fur on Link's wolf form fills us with a geeky glee. We'd also be able to fulfill our lifelong dream of carrying around Midna in our pockets.

Like Xenoblade Chronicles, this one might be trickier to pull off given the space capabilities of a cart versus a disk. But even if the textures were slightly downgraded, that's a price we'd gladly play to relive Twilight Princess in a new dimension. At this point, we're looking for any excuse to play through this majestic, multi-dimensional quest one more time.

One of the last games released by Hudson before the developer disappeared into Konami, Lost in Shadow had a simplistically novel approach to platforming. Platforms were constructed out of the shadows cast by structures in a derelict structure, and you explore that world as a boy reduced to a silhouette. It took 2D sidescrolling in a clever direction, but now the 3DS seems like it would have been the better venue for the game.

Lost in Shadow is all about the foreground and background elements working together to form a stage, but the flat standard definition of the Wii didn’t communicate it as well as stereoscopic 3D could. It saddened us that the game flopped on the Wii, but Konami could give this shadow a new lease on life as a high profile eShop download.

The 3DS already has one Paper Mario game (and approximately 30 games starring the mustachioed plumber), but hear us out. Super Paper Mario was originally planned as one of the final GameCube games, but Nintendo shrewdly moved it to the Wii early in that system’s lifespan. While it was a great experience, the controls were a little weaker in the transition, so pushing it to the 3DS would give the title the analogue controls it was designed to have.

Additionally, Paper Mario: Sticker Star proved that the flat variation on Mario’s world looks great on the 3DS, and the gameplay conceit of Super Paper Mario would enhance it further. The visual effect of continually flipping between 2D and 3D worlds would benefit from the extra heft that stereoscopic visuals would give the title. Early Wii adopters got to enjoy the smart gameplay and even cleverer writing of this platformer, but every 3DS owner deserves the same exciting adventure.

Some Silent Hill fans might think the series has been in the crapper since developer Team Silent was dismissed after the fourth game, but Climax Studios did their best to renew the franchise. Climax returned to the original, kept it creepy, but made the proceedings even ternal and personally torturous. The city of Silent Hill has always externalized the inner torment of the protagonist, but Shattered Memories did it in an impressively human way.

Outside of the emotional tale it tells, Shattered Memories also succeeds in creating a disturbing, dimly lit Silent Hill that’s worth exploring. Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon already proved that the 3DS is great at creating atmosphere with shadows and a flashlight, so just imagine how that would work with flesh-eating, shrieking monsters. Also, a 3DS port could correct the mistakes of previous handheld port that came to the PSP.

The title of this touching JRPG might've been a self-fulfilling prophecy: As one of the last original Wii exclusives, hardly anybody noticed when it arrived stateside in 2012 amidst a wave of Wii U hype. That's a damn shame, because The Last Story is an enchanting tale of warring nations and the band of mercenaries stuck between them, set against the backdrop of a unique, apocalyptic landscape.

This is essentially a Final Fantasy entry in everything but name--not all that surprising, given that the game's director, Hironobu Sakaguchi, was involved in the production of nearly every Final Fantasy ever made. A 3DS version would give The Last Story a new lease on life, welcoming in a new legion of fans with open arms.

So, have we teased your imagination with the prospect of these would-be 3DS greats? Original IPs are always welcome, of course - but sometimes, it's a joyous experience to play something familiar in a whole new way. Did we miss any major candidates? Let us know in the comments!

And if you're looking for more, check out .

It's a commonly held belief that sex sells, but that's not really true. Sure, sexually charged imagery has a good chance of grabbing people's attention, but just because someone does a double-take on your product, doesn't mean they're going to snatch it up and sprint over to the nearest cash register. Advertisements full of TA might be marginally appropriate when the game in question is all about naked bodies - Leisure Suit Larry, Muscle March, Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball, what have you. But typically, in-your-face objectification in game ads is reserved for titles that desperate to distract you from their blatant flaws and failures.

You've no doubt seen those Game of War commercials starring Kate Upton, which devote roughly 0.05% of the ad's runtime to the game itself. But this is just the latest in a not-so-proud tradition of games trying to ensnare those who make purchasing decisions with what's in their pants. Strap in for a ride on this libido roller coaster as we journey back through time to see the most ridiculously sexual game ads that in no way represent what's actually being sold.

So there you have it - sex has been used in the attempt to sell games since the '70s, and it doesn't look like things are going to change anytime soon. Big ups to the tumblr, which has loads of retro gaming ads both classic and horrifying. Tell me in the comments which ad you think is the most egregious - and please, refrain from sharing which one got you the most aroused.

And if you're hungry for more light-hearted mockery, check out .

Handsome high schoolers in well-tailored uniforms fighting personal demons and feeling cynical about society as a whole? It must be the long-awaited full reveal trailer for Persona 5! The Japanese video flashes between animated cutscenes and in-game moments, showing how the series' distinct visual style has grown since Persona 4 - and since Persona 4 was designed for PS2, the difference is pretty impressive.

Persona 5 trades the sleepy town of Inaba for a bustling metropolis. Hazardous areas aren't just flat labyrinths any more, as the trailer shows the main character leaping from chandelier to chandelier and blinking from cover to cover as he avoids the gaze of a lurking demon. It seems to star an all-new cast of kids (except for a cameo from the long-nosed, bug-eyed fortuneteller Igor) who are terested in pulling off heists than rescuing kidnapped citizens - but we'll have to hold off on judging them until we can actually understand what they're saying. Click on for a primer on recent developments in the Persona series.

Many were waiting for Atlus USA to announce Persona 5, and while that did happen, we still know so very little about the game. The initial trailer slowly flashes five chairs on the screen with five retro-style ball and chains attached. English text appears saying, "You are slave, want emancipation?” The Japanese trailer ended by saying it’ll be out in Japan winter 2014 on the PS3, and now we know it’ll hit the US some time in 2015. That’s basically it at this point.

First off, though next-gen fans may be bothered that it will still be on PS3, it isn’t shocking given that Persona 4 was on PS2 years after the PS3 had replaced that console. If that information bothers them, fans should relax knowing the Persona brain trust - series director Katsura Hashino, series designer Shigenori Soejima, and series composer Shoji Meguro - is also running things for P5. Now that Persona 5 is official, it seems pretty clear that it’ll feature an entirely new cast and story. However, if you’re worried the Persona 4 crew is being left out, there are plenty of other ways to keep up with them.

The most intriguing of the new Persona 4 spin-offs announced is likely Persona Q: Shadow of the Labyrinth, the first ever Persona game on a Nintendo system. In the , a strange tower appears at Yasogami High (Persona 4’s setting), and the teams from Persona 3 and 4 team up to explore this strange building, along with a couple new faces. Players can mix and match teams of up to five characters to get different interactions and story elements, all featuring the super cute redesigns of the popular Persona squads.

Released in fall of 2014 in the US, the most interesting thing about Persona Q might just be the talent involved. The aforementioned Hashino, Soejima, and Meguro are all involved in similar roles from the main series, but the game is being directed by Daisuke Kaneda of the Etrian Odyssey series. Will this be a similar dungeon-crawler? And will any of the Etrian cast make an appearance? We’ll know when it comes to the 3DS portable this year.

Shoji Meguro’s music is one of the Persona series’ greatest strengths, so expanding his catcy tunes into a game of their own makes a lot of sense in this . And given that P4 cast member Rise is a pop star/idol in Japan, she’s the obvious focus of a game developed by the team behind multiple Hatsune Miku music games. But Risette isn’t the only member of P4’s Investigation Team dancing the night away on a Sony portable.

This Vita exclusive spin-offs makes a certain amount of sense given that genre’s popularity with Japanese owners, and we’re intrigued by new characters from Kanamin Kitchen, the team of idols Rise is out to save. The 30-plus songs of dancing action are headed to the US sometime in 2015, and we’re crossing our fingers that Teddie will be an actual dancer in the game, or we’ll be beary mad!

Persona 4 Arena impressed RPG fans and fighting game enthusiasts alike by combining the sharp combat and animation that developer Arc System Works is known for with the continuing story of the characters from Persona 3 and 4. Now, as is the case with most fighting games, it’s getting updated with new characters and storylines (watch this for a little fo on that).

Given the original’s popularity in the US, it isn’t surprising that North America is getting a 360 version while it stays PS3-exclusive in Japan. As for the Ultimax’s fresh challengers, there’s Persona 3’s Junpei and Yukari, and new character Sho Minazuki, a powerful (if goofy) teen who seems to be positioned as Yu’s new rival.

That's all we know about Persona 5 so far, but maybe if you leave some comments about what you want to see in the new game you'll discover some new social links...

And if you're looking for more Shin Megami Tensei, check out .

Well, I’m Henry Gilbert and I’m here to say I dislike bad rap in a major way! If you wanna have rhymes that sound real cool, don’t put in these games and look like a fool... What you just read is an example of the dangers of thinking you’re cool enough to spit dope lyrics with the best of them. You end up looking like an out of touch nerd. It’s an experience games know all too well, as they’ve played host to some of the worst music in hip hop history.

When you’re working on a game, penning some original rhymes covering the excellence of your title and/or mascot makes sense in the moment. Unfortunately, 99% of these custom rap songs are doomed to be dated the instant the title is released (if not sooner). Read on to experience the worst crimes against hip hop that games have ever committed...

Worst lyric:

This one feels slightly unfair, mainly because the producers of this fighting game’s soundtrack are (very likely) non-native English speakers. Still, the above brag is such a weird one, because basketball legend Michael Jordan isn’t really known for slinging rhymes. NBA greats like Shaq and Allen Iverson have been known to spit a verse, but less so for MJ. Most of the rest of the lyrics are near-unintelligible - “Make some lyrics like the bass with the treble” (?). I mean that they’re both hard to make out, and don’t make sense even when the words are clear. Also, while the hook and bridge are nice, it feels like they repeat about five times in one minute. I know the song is called Stimulation, but slow your roll, CvS2.

Worst lyric:

This corny rap is the intro song to DK’s N64 debut, and Rare probably designed it to be lame. And they did too good a job too! This kid-friendly song laboriously introduces us to each playable character with clunky lyrics - “Inflate himself just like a balloon, This crazy Kong just digs this tune!” Good job sneaking in that boast about your song, guys. The DK Rap then concludes with the above words, sweatily cobbling together “pineapple smells,” as if that’s a phrase any human has ever said. The song sets the tone early for this cornball game, and I give Rare bonus credit for sneaking “hell” into the original version of the game (subsequently it was rewritten as “heck”) showing little disregard for the sensibilities of Nintendo’s audience.

Worst lyric:

Platinum Games is one of my favorite developers, and the custom, lyric-heavy soundtracks are usually one of their strongest attributes. This song is up there with its weaker offerings, though, and it isn’t helped by being the theme for the annoying, problematic Black Baron character. The song is very fitting for the grating, over-the-top character, even specifically referencing things like Baron’s violent girlfriend and the tilted brim of his hat. But it’s a little too slick, just like the character. Credit where it’s due: I really like “You just sealed your fate. On the holidays that'll be one less plate,” because it conjures up a sad family during a Thanksgiving meal. It’s a visual far too many rappers overlook.

Worst lyric:

Wiz Khalifa is a legit rapper and he does a fine job with this wrasslin’ game’s promotional hip hop, so he’s not the issue here. My main gripe is with John Cena, the omnipresent WWE superstar who’s also on the cover of the game. He got his start as a parody of lame rappers, then somehow became a non-joke rapper with a groan-worthy entrance song. All Day is his return to the studio after years of not-rapping, and in it, we hear more of what we weren’t missing. Cena’s rhymes are more like spoken phrases said with the requisite amount of intensity his brand requires, “I’m about to go on trial, murdering instrumentals,” is another example of his flat verse. John is as average as ever, but at least it only lasts for a fraction of the song, limiting the exposure to his awfulness.

Worst lyric:

It’s weird to feel pity for a hall of fame NBA player like Scottie Pippen, but I kinda do. Pippen won six championships with the Chicago Bulls, but he was always overshadowed by teammates like Michael Jordan and Dennis Rodman. Perhaps Scottie thought he’d finally breakout of their orbit by starring in his own game, but the resulting Slam City is an FMV Sega CD release, guaranteeing obscurity. The monotonous ‘Get Respect’ opening song fits the unmemorable vibe, with bland platitudes about how one goes about earning respect. As the above lyric states, if you’re beaten, then you didn’t bring your best shot. Sadly, the next obvious statement wasn’t, “if you think you see the sky, but it isn’t blue, that’s wrong too.”

Worst lyric:

As someone who lived in America in 2001, I can tell you that post-September 11 was a really weird time for all of us. People reacted in strange ways to this new stage of the War on Terror, and that includes crappy shooters with terrible rap over the credits. Fugitive Hunter is the type of cheaply made game that is only memorable for being exceptionally bad (and for including a level where you actually kill Osama bin Laden) and the end credits theme is just as blunt in its response. The words come fast and furious, describing all the ways the wordsmiths will sneak into terrorist hideouts and hunt down the bad guys, with the phrase “Fugitive Hunter” droning on top of it all. Someone should check with the members of Seal Team Six to see how accurately these lyrics compare to actually hunting Bin Laden down.

Worst lyric:

Even the most stoic Sonic apologist will admit that most of the series’ music features lyrics are in the ‘so bad it’s good’ category - and I mean that as a half-compliment. That’s the case with the ludicrous rap and jazz fusion that is Knuckle’s theme in Sonic Adventure. The songwriters seem to approach the song with a list of Knuckles attributes, talking over and over and over again about how he’s a loner, tough, and out to cleanse evil. The hip hop breaks are the weakest part of all, doubling up on explanations like “I'll give you the colder shoulder, My spikes go through boulders.” Even a jazzy saxaphone solo can’t mask how incredibly uncool Knuckles looks when this tune is over. Or, indeed, while it’s playing. Fun fact: The rapping is done by the original voice of Parappa the Rapper, who has much better material!

Worst lyric:

One of Dead Island’s main characters is a rapper, so hearing at least one tune by Sam B. is unavoidable. And like many rappers, his rhymes reflect the world around him, in this case a tropical paradise full of animated corpses. Sam B. has some very grisly lines about the undead that surround him - “Shrunken heads, broken legs, body parts on the concrete” is another winner. Still, call me overly sensitive, but what I hate most is the constant use of word ‘bitch’ in this song. In fact, the chorus uses the word a half-dozen times, acting like you can rhyme a word with itself constantly and not look like a hack. Beyond feeling openly misogynist, constantly repeating “Who do you Voodoo, bitch?” bothers me as a professional writer/human being.

Those are the worst crimes against hip hop that I could chronicle today, but I'm always looking for more awesomely bad rap. If you'd like to share some that I missed, let me know in the comments!

And if you're looking for more tuneful features, read/listen to

2015 will be an important one for gaming. Newer systems like the PS4 and Xbox One will be entering into their prime years, the multiplatform games should finally have a handle on the fresh hardware, and Nintendo and Steam will likely host experiences you can’t find anywhere else. All told, there’s an impressive list of , and this page will list each, one month at a time.

Looking back on January, it’s was admittedly a pretty dry month of releases, but that’s to be expected after the holidays. Still, there was something worthwhile to play at the start of the year - even if the two best games are both remakes. Read on to see both the winner and runner-up for the best game in January.

Grim Fandango is, without a doubt, one of the most unique video games ever made. The quest of an undead travel agent as he attempts to atone for his sins is a love letter to film noir greats like Casablanca and The Maltese Falcon, but it also transcends its influences to be something truly original. And with the Remastered edition, you'll finally get to play this lost classic on your PlayStation 4, complete with (some) updated graphics and a fantastic re-recording of the original score.

Grim Fandango is also one of the most uniquely frustrating games ever made, and the Remastered edition only serves to highlight its many game-ruining bugs. Whether it's glitching out a puzzle, clipping you through a wall, or just flat out crashing, Grim Fandango Remastered actually seems buggier now than it did 17 years ago. Make no mistake: Manny's journey is still definitely one worth revisiting - just remember to save your game. Often.

sounds kinda ridiculous at first - it's literally a remastered HD version of a rebuilt SD version of the original Resident Evil. Turns out the joke's on us, though, because that's all we really needed to enjoy the survival horror staple all over again: the HD Remake gives all the main characters and the Spencer Mansion an enticing facelift but keeps the little quirks that make Resident Evil awesome/a total headache/undeniably unique.

You'll still need to manage eight (at most) inventory slots, and you'll still need to keep your distance from downed zombies - or preferably burn them on the spot. The most major change is the new default control scheme, which makes it handle more like a modern fixed-camera game, but you're free to select the old 'tank' controls if you want. With modern conveniences where it needs them and good old weirdness where it doesn't, Resident Evil HD Remake is a near masterpiece… of unlocking.

Those are the first games that made a mark in 2015, but they won't be the last. Stay tuned to this page to see what will are the best games for every month this year. I'm sure the answers will surprise you.

For formation on 2015's releases, be sure to check out the

It seemed like such a good idea at the time. You saw a trailer for the latest gotta-have-it game, or saw some bad-ass box art at the local game store, and you said to yourself “I'm going to own this thing, no matter what”. So you sell off all your worldly possessions, take your latest acquisition home, fire it up and - wait a minute. This game is garbage. And thanks to most stores' absurdly inflexible return policies, well, you're now out $60 / £45.

It sucks when you drop hard-earned cash on a game that ultimately ends up being a complete waste. Even worse is when you shell out hundreds of dollars for the latest hotness only for the price to get sliced to ribbons literally a day after you buy the damn thing. Don't worry, because we've been there too. Each editor has detailed the most regrettable gaming purchase they've ever made. They say money can't buy happiness, but it sure as heck can pick up a family-sized portion of disappointment.

I have a sketchy history with Nintendo consoles. They're the single, dark source of my gaming buyer's remorse. Despite buying and loving the Gamecube because it played Resident Evil 4 and Wind Waker, my console largely collected dust for a couple of years, before I traded it in against a (much more widely used) Xbox.

I tried to get back into the Ninty spirit with a DS, but despite sinking a few hours into Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin and Phoenix Wright, I ended up ditching it after a year. And my recent 3DS purchase? Even worse. Bought it seven months ago, haven't played it for six. No, I can't explain it. Yes, I realise that I'm probably the only person alive who doesn't find infinite joy in Mario and his pals. I may have a problem…

Back in 1998, Sega Saturn was dying. I had played all of the good games available in the UK, but didn't have my Saturn chipped so I couldn't play import games. So I started looking at 'lower tier' games. And then I did the most stupid thing ever. I traded my copy of Daytona CCE and another game (I think it was Manx TT Superbike)… for this.

As soon as I loaded it up, I realised I'd made a huge mistake. The game was choppy, glitchy, and full of pop-in. Amid the countless ovals, it had one (just one) decent track, Ranch Tower, which my dad and I played in split-screen and did get a lot of fun out of. But if your car flipped in two-player mode, it had no undertray. It was a hollow shell. Dreadful quality, especially compared to the beautiful games I had traded (that the shop refused to give back). To make matters worse, my mum pointed out in rightful indignation that Daytona had been a Christmas present. I was ashamed.

My most regrettable gaming purchase had to be Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex. Up to that point, I was the biggest Crash fan. It was one of the few games on the PlayStation that I could actually play and not become violently ill. I played all of them. I did speed runs. I collected every damn piece of fruit. And I even cheered as Crash did his little pelvic thrust dance. Hell, I even owned the toys made by Resaurus. One of the main reasons I bought the PS2 was to play the latest game in the series

And then I actually played it. Or I at least tried to. All of the magic that the fine folks at Naughty Dog had made was gone and I was heartbroken. No longer did I delight in hanging out with my favorite Bandicoot. No more riding on tigers, sliding on ice, bad guys with huge foreheads, or weirdly sexualized dances to make me giggle. On top of it, the new game mechanics made me sick. I felt so betrayed and still feel the sadness.

Now, I'm sure we've all rented bad games and suffered through them when we were younger. You only have enough cash to rent one new game over the weekend, so you’d better get your money's worth. Plus, there's something uniquely entertaining about the rage a truly awful game induces. But the one time I rented Glover when I was 13 was so disappointing that it taught me an important lesson about the value of a dollar.

The latest issue of Nintendo Power made it seem so interesting, and being an N64 owner with literally nothing else to play, I went down to Blockbuster and spent my weekly allowance on a rental. And wow, it was such a mediocre experience that I literally have no recollection of it other than the fact that it inspired me to be more responsible with my money. Real exciting stuff, I know. I played it for a couple of hours, looked sullenly at the TV screen, and switched off my N64 with a sigh. It felt like my eyes had finally opened up; like I'd just stepped out of the Matrix and into the real world for the first time, knowing that there's no going back.

I remember this dark day of my childhood well. The game: a complete copy of Chrono Trigger. The trade: Captain America and The Avengers (on SNES, just the cartridge) and $40. Rarely a day goes by that I don't kick myself for this MIND-BREAKING, RAGE-INDUCING MISTAKE of a trade. How did it come to this? Well, I'd finished Chrono Trigger several times and knew the game like the back of my hand. At the same time, there was an arcade cabinet for Captain America at my local video store, and I was getting sick of pouring quarters into it.

So I figured, "What the hell, I'll just trade away one of the greatest Japanese role-playing games of all time complete in box with manual and little bonus map inserts for some mediocre beat-'em-up that I played maybe twice before getting bored." Yep. Yuuuup. That's a thing that happened; good job younger Max. Today, a complete copy of Chrono Trigger fetches a pretty penny on eBay, but what really bums me out is that I don't have access to my old save data. It would be fascinating to go back and see what I named all my characters, how long I played, where I stopped, and so on. Such a waste.

It's painful how recently this one happened, but it seems the conditions were just right. As the release of the new Thief game approached in 2014, I started pondering whether or not I should pre-order it. I hadn't played the previous Thief games, but I had seen them in action, and knew that Dishonored (which is among my personal top ten games ever) was heavily inspired by the Thief franchise.

After checking out gameplay footage and mulling it over for a while, I decided I would take the gamble and pre-ordered it the day before release. I really wanted the pre-order bonus mission and also I am an idiot. I was quickly disillusioned with the weird story and lackluster gameplay (which, funny enough, felt like a poor man's Dishonored) and traded it in as soon as I could. I got $20 of my original pre-order back. Ugh. Garrett really is the world's greatest thief.

After a few weeks of hearing how great Halo 4 is, I was convinced that this would be the installment that got me back into the Halo multiplayer fold (having completely ignored online play since Combat Evolved on PC). So I pick up a copy after work one day and excitedly hurry home to play it with some ex-GR staff. Coop, Ryan, and Brian invite me to their Xbox Live party, and within minutes, we're in the thick of combat.

And by God, am I bored. I had forgotten how much I hate vehicular combat in my FPS; while racking up a few kills is always fun, having your spree ended by a shell from a distant Scorpion tank most certainly is not. I don't remember who said it, but someone sheepishly suggested "Do you guys just want to go back to playing Black Ops 2?" We all agreed in unison. Ten minutes later, we were back to picking off UAVs and calling in Killstreaks. That was the first and last time I ever played my copy of Halo 4, and I seriously doubt I'll go back. How about that: 60 bones for one hour of disinterest.

I feel so, so conflicted saying that I regret my Game Boy Advance. Firstly, my mom was the one who actually spent money on it (hey, I was ten at the time). Secondly, I loved so many of the games: WarioWare, Mega Man Battle Network, Metroid Fusion, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (which is how I finally finished one of my favorite games of all time). But wait a minute… I didn't actually finish A Link to the Past on Game Boy Advance. I finished it on Game Boy Advance SP. Just like almost all of my other GBA games.

Much as it pains me to say it, my life would have been better if I'd just waited for GBA SP's gloriously backlit screen to illuminate it. My vision is still OK a decade or so later, but just imagine how much better it would be if I hadn't strained over the original's inscrutable grey mirror for hours. I could probably see for miles!

I hate to kick someone when they’re down, but paying $500 for an Xbox One bundled with Kinect has to be my most regrettable purchase. In 2013, buying it made so much sense. First off, I felt I needed both an Xbox One and a PS4 on launch day as part of my profession. And even though the last thing I ever needed in my life was a Kinect, it was being touted as integral to the console, so I took it in my stride, figuring it’d work great in the coming months. Less than a year later, and Kinect was stripped out of the box and most of its functionality was pushed aside.

You can imagine my frustration. It was a bit like an architect showing me a completed house that looked great, except it was a little more than my budget, and had one room I wasn’t too fond of. Instead of fixing that room, the architect burned it all to the ground and started over after publicly firing half the construction team. He then sold the new house to someone else for a fifth off the asking price. That’s basically the pain of being an early Xbox One owner.

I made the mistake of buying a game called Earth Defense Force 2025. At the time, all I heard were good things about it and it's cooperative gameplay. I was in desperate need of a good co-op game, so I bought it. Never have I been so disappointed by a game in my life. The frame rate chugged so bad I could hardly play it. Everything was delayed and slow. It was like playing a highly demanding PC game on a low-end computer. I found myself helplessly crying out "Noooooooooooo" as if I were running in slow-motion as a giant ant devoured my avatar each time I failed.

Did I mention that there was a co-op mode? Good grief yes! A co-op mode! As if the game wasn't struggling to process all the events happening in single player. Can you imagine it trying to display both players at the same time? It ran even slower and after about two minutes of torture, I turned the game off. Purchase value: $59.99, Trade in Value: $16.00, The look on my face: Priceless.

Think of these stories as one part cautionary tale, one part therapy session. Have you made any purchases that gave you an almost instant feeling of buyer's remorse? Or have you had the rug pulled out from under you with a sudden price drop? Let us know in the comments!

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We all need a vacation sometimes. Whether you go off on a big adventure, visit family back home, or just refuse to leave your apartment for an extended period of time, it's tough to overstate how much a nice, long break can improve your quality of life. Yeah, it may be tough to get back to real life afterwards, but chances are your time off will be apparent in the quality of your work. Unless you really hate your job… in which case, sorry.

That doesn't just apply for people, either. Some of the biggest video game franchises on shelves today (and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that…) could really use a break. I don't mean to be harsh here - it's tough for anyone to keep the creative spark on the same kind of project year in and year out. That's why these franchises deserve to go dark for a bit and come back better than ever.

Resident Evil has always had a kind of kooky backstory, given its endless stream of double crosses and massive corporate/governmental conspiracies. But Resident Evil 6's three (four if you count Ada's sidestory) interjoining campaigns cranked the whole thing up for a sort of narrative judgment day. Clones, amnesia, dead presidents, secret illegitimate children, seemingly endless new varieties of creepy mutant baddies - it was, um, definitely over the top.

That's not necessarily a bad thing - like I said, Resident Evil's always been a bit bonkers. But recently all the twists, turns, and doubling back have gotten a bit tiresome. Frankly, that's one of the reasons I'm looking forward to Resident Evil Revelations 2 - it takes place before Resident Evil 6 and tells its own discrete story with characters we haven't seen much of since the early days of the series. If the franchise itself took a few years off and came back with a reboot, I'd love to see the main cast discover the horror all over again. Minus the clones and dead presidents.

Do you remember back when you could get excited about a game just because it had 'Mario' in the title? Even if you hated tennis or racing games, you knew that no product could bear the plumber's mustachioed visage unless it lived up to Nintendo's stringent standards of accessibility, fun, and challenge (or unless it was a licensed edutainment title like Mario is Missing).

Nowadays, you can be sure that a game with "Mario" in the title… has Mario in it. Also probably Luigi, Peach, and Bowser. You can even be confident that it will be pretty good. But it just doesn't guarantee greatness like it used to. Between Tennis, Golf, Party, Maker, Kart, Olympic Games, New Super Mario Bros., and all the rest, Mario has, like, a Starbucks-level franchising operation going here. And just like Starbucks, that ubiquity can make for mediocrity, even with modern classics like Super Mario 3D World and Mario Kart 8 surfacing with some regularity. It's not too late by any stretch - if Nintendo just reins it in a bit, it could preserve Mario greatness for generations to come.

Did you realize there's been at least one new mainstream Pokemon game every year since 2009? Platinum, Heart Gold/Soul Silver, Black/White, Black/White Version 2, X/Y, and Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire. That's either six or 11 games, depending on whether you count each version as a separate title. Even for a clinically diagnosed Pokemanic, that's a whole lotta Pokemon.

Pokemon's wide world full of monsters to capture, gym leaders to beat, and towns to explore was mindblowing the first time out. And it still has all that! But… it's not really mindblowing any more. I mean, one of the bullet points for Pokemon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire is that you can put Pikachu in a frilly pink dress. Yes, Pikachu is really cute in a frilly pink dress. But the creators and fans alike deserve a new Pokemon game that takes advantage of the last decade and a half of advancements in technology and game design, rather than just building on the same old fundamentals. The only way that's gonna happen is if Pokemon takes a few years off. Yes, it would be a painful wait, but it would be so worth it.

Remember when Battlefield was the freewheeling, massive-online-antics-encouraging underdog to Call of Duty? It still is! It just doesn't feel that way, because months of online issues have taken their toll on Battlefield 4's reputation. In a better world, the most questionable thing about Battlefield 4 would be the term 'Levolution' as we look back on fond memories of .

Now we're coming up on the cool-looking but poorly timed Battlefield Hardline, which is a game about cops breaking the rules to see that justice is done in a culture that's become painfully aware of its militarized police force. That's not going to need a problematic launch to get people angry. I don't expect EA and DICE to cancel Hardline or anything, but maybe this is fate's way of telling them to just, y'know, slow it down a bit… after you ship Star Wars Battlefront, anyway. God, I need me some Battlefront.

Yeah, yeah, you knew this was coming. But seriously. We've been doing this every year since 2006, when Call of Duty 2 released on PC and as a launch game for Xbox 360. Think about that - ever since the beginning of the last console generation, we've gone no longer than 12 months without a new mainstream Call of Duty. To be fair, it would be kind of a shock to stop now. Kids who were in elementary school when they were inadvisably allowed to play the first game are graduating high school now. And they've never had a holiday season without a new Call of Duty since.

But it just can't last forever. Sales seem to be slowing down, giving Activision's relative quiet on the series' recent performance. That's a shame, given GR+'s review - clearly the series still has a lot of fight left as it enters its golden years. It just needs to slow down a bit, or else it might break its hip.

I could talk about how Sonic's lost his way for years, and how the wounded trust and enthusiasm will only heal if given enough time. But far better than I could.

On the other hand, I have a bit more emotional distance from the blue hedgehog. Given enough time, I think Sonic still could come back. In fact, that's the main problem - he just never has enough time. We've gotten at least one new Sonic game every two years ever since 2001 - going from Adventure Battles to Secret Rings to Werehogs to Colors to Lost Worlds to Booms. The poor little guy has been literally run ragged, and he needs to sit down for a minute and drink some Gatorade. Give him and Sonic Team a few years to get their heads right and they can come back and wow us again.

I've got to give Ubisoft credit for annualizing the seemingly unannualizable. Shooters or sports games have an established pattern for this sort of thing, but getting a yearly production line going for a semi-historical open-world action game complete with huge, intricate cities, and a complex plot? That's pretty impressive. Unfortunately, after the buggy and one-step-forward, one-step-back showing that was Assassin's Creed Unity, it looks like the wheels may be coming off.

Assassin's Creed has become an unlikely flagship franchise for Ubisoft, and I'm worried that its goodwill is burning off. Not just for the company's sake, but moreso because I really like the idea of Assassin's Creed. Running around historical cities and rubbing elbows with/killing their important figures is still really cool. But no matter how many thousands of developers you throw at a good idea, sometimes it just needs a little bit more time to breathe. Don't let Assassin's Creed suffocate, Ubisoft.

But really, this is all coming from a place of love. Somebody just needs to get those franchises a pair of oversized novelty sunglasses and a Mai Tai before they work themselves to death. Of course, they're not the only ones who could use a little time out of the spotlight. What franchises do you think need to take a break? Let me know in the comments!

Want some more truth distilled into Top 7 form? Check out the and the worst ways games insult your intelligence.

If I see one more game that pits you against a horde of zombies, I'm going to scream. And with the way things are going, it'll be less than a week before I've shredded my vocal cords down to tissue-paper thinness with my constant shrieks of anguish. So often, developers seem content to fall back on such a limited subset of cliched enemies - mainly things like zombies, robots, super-soldiers, aliens, or hellspawn. And with so much oversaturation of these popular baddie archetypes, all those demons, extraterrestrials, and undead now feel about as menacing as an elderly Wal-Mart greeter.

It's time we got some more variety, don't you think? Pitting the player against an unfamiliar kind of opposition can be a risk, but when it pays off, the results are memorable at worst and ingenious at best. So whaddya say, game devs: why not give these underused antagonist themes a try? Maybe one day, they'll have been reused so many times that zombies could - miracle of miracles - actually feel fresh again.

Cthulhu may be H.P. Lovecraft's - but that dude had so much more to give in the 'deeply disturbing imagery' department. Take the human-fish hybrids that populate the fictional town of Innsmouth. This breed of bad guy is essentially a two-for-one deal: they start out as increasingly disfigured cultists, eventually degrading into full-on aquatic mutants. How are they created, you ask? Simple: generations of ungodly breeding between mankind and ancient, underwater creatures called Deep Ones!

Something about that transition from physically repulsive villager to bipedal sushi monster makes them so much more terrifying than your average supernatural aberration. Imagine walking in on a disheveled figure huddled in a corner, who spins around as you draw near to reveal bulging, glassy eyes, webbed hands, and gills forming from the oily creases in their neck fat. I'd take that over yet another reanimated, bloody-mouthed corpse any day!

The current gold standard: Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth

Sure, plenty of video game heroes can recount stories of how they single-handedly foiled an alien invasion, or killed the Devil himself in his own lair. But how many can claim that they were attacked by a sentient sign post? Or got jumped by a Scalding Coffee Cup that burned their flesh with psionic fire powers? I imagine that being suddenly assaulted by an everyday object is at once hilarious and terrifying. Wouldn't it just be so silly if a fire hydrant developed the urge to kill you? And can you imagine the pain of a nozzle cap, propelled by a jetstream of high-pressure water, slamming directly into your skull?

If I walked around a game world only to be accosted by random bits of scenery, I'd probably laugh at the absurdity of it all. But if done correctly, that kind of uncertainty could make every environment feel like it's out to get you. Is that gas station pump looking at me funny? Did those paintings just move? And how did that charred, smoking corpse end up next to an ordinary looking electric guitar?

The current gold standard: Earthbound

You've got to be at least a little crazy to don tights and a snazzy mask, oil yourself up, then jump from the tops of tall posts onto another person's body. So what happens when you take that kind of eccentric individual and give them assault rifles and rocket launchers? Fun. Insane, anarchic, highly explosive fun. Luchadores earn their reputations based on showmanship and impressive stunts, so only the finest gun tricks and snazzy trickshots will suffice. Plus, they're always able to tag in a buddy if the fight's not going their way, forcing you to adapt to uneven odds.

If nothing else, the vibrant, eye-catching attire of the average luchadore can add a splash of color to even the dingiest environment. And while making enemies with these masked wrestlers is incredibly hazardous to your health, luchadores are very honorable opponents (provided they're not heels). If you can impress them with your fighting spirit, you just might make an ally out of your adversary.

The current gold standard: Saints Row: The Third

As any introspective shooter fan will tell you, even the noblest of video game heroes can be classified as a mass murderer (yes, I'm talking about you, Nathan Drake). It sometimes makes you wonder if that gun-wielding guard had a family, or those squealing Grunts you just plasma-sliced developed brotherly bonds during their years of basic training. But what if you could slaughter all those virtual villains completely guilt-free? After all, it's much tougher to feel remorseful when the guy you're strangling to death is a murderous psychopath with a flair for the sadistic. He practically had it coming!

Which feels more righteous to you: gunning down a misguided insurgent in a third-world country, or ending the carnage of a convicted killer by taking his life before even more are lost? I'd go with the latter, personally. And if these particularly nasty criminals like to outfit themselves in freakish outfits, so much the better! People who wear bloodstained masks 24/7 or tattoo the word 'KILL' all over their bodies typically don't have much luck in polite society, anyway.

The current gold standard: Manhunt

Fighting against sickness is a concept that's rarely touched on in games, usually reserved for the occasional poison debuff, plushies that are all the rage with hip, science-conscious collectors these days? Why not take some inspiration from those designs and make an entire action game of the microscopic battles that rages in all of our bodies?

Enemy designs could either go full cutesy, like the impish Viruses of Dr. Mario, terrifying and abstract, like the twisted aberrations of The Evil Within, or just true to life (have you seen ?). It certainly makes more sense that there'd be waves upon waves of infectious, replicating germs attacking you, rather than grunts who are all too willing to throw themselves in front of your crosshairs, or zombie hordes that seem to outnumber the pre-outbreak population.

The current gold standard: Dr. Mario

Here's the opposite side of the sickness coin: afflictions that take place not in our organs, but in our minds. Our innermost fears, insecurities, and emotional anguish can be the basis for some truly inspired enemy designs - yet so few games try to tackle the idea of giving physical form to psychological suffering. When the player is given the freedom to make their own associations for what could possibly explain the atrocity that's standing in front of them, the game world feels that much more rich and alive.

When you know that your own mental projections are the basis for all the horrors you encounter, it's a brilliant invitation to deconstruct the character you're playing as. When done right, this type of enemy can tell you so much more about your protagonist than a canned cutscene or audio log ever could. 'Show, don't tell', they always say - and showing the player is so much more disturbing than just another scary, gory monster.

The current gold standard: Silent Hill 2

Trying to turn precious, huggable critters into primary antagonists typically hasn't done so hot in the past - just look at Naughty Bear or Fur Fighters. But robots and cyborg super-soldiers are so passe. Why not follow in the footsteps of Dr. Robotnik and simply combine the two? It's utterly diabolical - take piglets, baby chicks, squirrels, and all manner of adorable animal, then stuff them into the heart of a metal monstrosity to act as a living power source. These so called 'Badniks' create quite the dilemma: would you risk harming the innocent creatures imprisoned in these mechanized terrors? How do you fight the unwilling enemies that you're actively trying to save?

Of course, Sonic games let you off the hook, clearly showing each animal being freed and happily bouncing off the screen whenever you reduce a Badnik to scrap metal. But what if another game didn't make the choice so easy? I don't know if I could bring myself to dismantle a metal-toothed piranha if it meant crushing the baby duckling inside.

The current gold standard: Sonic the Hedgehog 2

Of all the suggestions on this list, this is the one I'm rooting for the hardest. Twisted theme parks and dark carnivals crop up all throughout the gaming kingdom, and evil clowns have some pretty good representation as their requisite enemies. But mascots-turned-psychopaths are so woefully scarce, given how much they have to offer as menacing villains. That blank, unblinking stare; a smile so wide as to be painful; the exaggerated, grimy features of something not quite human but too disheveled to be a cartoon. Somewhere behind that unfeeling foam mask is a tormented, demented individual - but you'd never know it just by looking at them.

Mascots gone mad are disturbing in much the same way as clowns: their unflinchingly happy image is meant to delight children, but to see their true, flawed selves would shatter the illusion. So they buy into the persona of the costume they've now accepted as their new body, suppressing their own hardships and misery as they struggle to remain true to the character. Eventually, something deep within their psyche is going to snap. If that kind of tortured existence doesn't make for a compelling villain, I don't know what will.

The current gold standard: Dead Rising 2

Oh, and there will always be a place in my heart for more virtual, bloodthirsty sharks (like the frightening ones in Depth, pictured above). I'm curious: which enemy types do you think are criminally underused in gaming? Can you think of something so radically unique that no game has ever attempted it before? Give a holler in the comments section below!

And if I were you, I'd read these hand-picked articles next: .

Pokken Tournament, which has so far only been announced for Japanese arcades, is a Pokemon-only fighting game from the house of Tekken, Gundam Extreme Vs., and all those Naruto fighters. Similar to those games, Pokken is a 3D fighter, combining close-range melee combat, projectiles, and what appears to be some character customization as well.

So far, only a handful of characters (and videos) have been released, but even from those small snippets there is still a lot to be unpacked. Obviously, the most exciting inclusions are the characters, six of which have been shown thus far. If you want to find out who they are, read on and find out who's in Pokken Tournament. I've also included a few suggestions of my own who I think would make interesting additions to the roster.

It should come as no surprise that fan-favorite Lucario, the aura Pokemon, has been announced as one of the first Pokemon to join the Pokken lineup. Having already been featured in the Super Smash Bros. series, Lucario can be seen using some of the same attacks in the footage released thus far - including its iconic aura sphere projectile. Lucario's mega evolution has also been shown.

Machamp doesn't have the wide-spread of love of Lucario or Pikachu, but as one of the original fighting-type Pokemon, it deserves a slot on the roster. Personally, I believe Machamp's inclusion was largely because the developers wanted an attack that looks like , which it totally has. Machamp also has a spinning lariat similar to Zangief's from the Street Fighter series, however it does not appear to have any projectile attacks.

While images of Blaziken in Pokken have been floating around the internet, there does not appear to by an footage of its fighting style just yet. However, one could speculate that, given the stance Blaziken takes after its mega evolution, this Pokemon could easily be fitted with a Muay Thai fighting style. Plus, developer Namco Bandai has experience in this field with its Tekken series, specifically the fighter Bruce Irvin.

Suicune, the first legendary shown in Pokken, is a long-range, projectile heavy fighter. In one especially devastating match again Machamp, Suicune successfuly keeps the close-range brawler at bay by filling the screen with all manner of energy beams and shockwave attacks. And while it does appear to have some melee attacks involving its two, rippon-esque tails, these attacks appear to be more of a last resort.

Similar to Suicune, Gardevoir is also a long-range fighter who relies primarily on projectile attacks. And of the Pokemon shown thus far, Gardevoir is the only one labeled in-game as a 'technique' fighter (the others being either 'power' or 'standard' fighters). This would imply it's one of the more difficult Pokemon to use. Based on the footage shown so far, Gardevoir's go-to attack is an air projectile that splits into several different homing missiles.

It just wouldn't (and likely couldn't) be a Pokemon game without Pikachu. Fresh off its latest stint in the Super Smash Bros. circuit, Pikachu now finds itself facing down a new roster of challengers in Pokken. Its fighting style combines several long-range, lighting-based projectiles with some high-speed dash attacks to help it zip around the arena. No word yet, however, on whether or not all those cosplay options will be available.

So far, the Pokken roster has been comprised of (mostly) bipedal, humanoid Pokemon. Here are some potential Pokken candidates who would break that mold while offering interesting fighting styles for players.

Ditto would force mirror matches, meaning it would transform itself into whatever Pokemon your opponent is playing. In addition, I think it's safe to assume Pokken will have some sort of character customization, be it custom attacks, custom stats, a leveling system, or all three. Ditto could copy those under-the-hood changes as well, and let players test-drive custom characters from other players. This could provide valuable insight into new strategies and tactics player may not have thought of on their own.

Vespidquen would be an interesting inclusion because of its ability to command lesser swarms of Combees. In the Pokemon games, it can command her minions to either protect it, attack its enemies, or even heal it. This would be a fun mechanic to play with in a fighting game, giving Vespidquen three different 'modes' to switch between (attack, defend, heal). The Combees could provide a simple, passive buff (+10% attack in attack mode) or be controlled independently of the queen as a secondary character.

You want to talk creative challenges? Try making Arbok into a fighting game character. It's got no arms and legs, only a creepy snake body and a creepier Cobra-like face. Even so, I think there's still some fun to be had in designing its slinking, slithering movements. Arbok could coil around its opponents and spit up acidic projectiles from afar. And don't forget about those deadly fangs. And thanks to the TV series, Arbok is one of the more recognizable Pokemon, especially in the under-appreciated Poison-type category.

There aren't a lot of great candidates when it comes to Flying-type Pokemon. Swellow? Braviary? Talonflame? Actually, Talonflame would be pretty sweet, but not as sweet as the mack daddy of them all, Ho-oh. I'd put Ho-oh right up there with Suicune as one of the more majestic-looking legendaries, and the fact that it's a flier gives Ho-oh an interesting way to move around the battlefield. Couple that with the fire typing, and this Pokemon has a very aggressive pool of attacks to choose from in a fight.

In the Pokemon games, Aegislash can switch between can switch between offensive and defensive stances. This mechanic would obviously translate easily into the realm of fighting games. In its attack stance, Aegislash would be a quick and nimble brawler that's in your face all the time. When it switches to its defensive stance, Aegislash then becomes a distance fighter who fires projectiles from its shield. Two stances, two fighting styles, one interesting Pokemon to play.

Starmie basically looks like a giant throwing star, so its transition into the realm of fighting games should be an easy one. It would spin and bounce and basically zip all over the place, all while damaging opponents on contact. This could be complemented with some tricky psionic attacks that could disrupt your opponent and open it up to another spiky barrage.

Alright, that's enough character speculation out of me. What do you all think? Who would you like to see join the Pokken lineup? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below, and keep an eye on this page for all the latest Pokken character announcements.

Video game characters can live through just about anything. Actually, what I mean to say is that video game characters can die through just about anything, but they'll always come back. Doesn't matter if they're shot up, torn to pieces, or even plummet into a bottomless pit, they'll reappear within seconds to take another crack at their objective. There's one important caveat, though: they still die sometimes, usually when it's the end of a trilogy (or it's time for a reboot).

So the only conclusion I can draw here is that video game characters will only die under very specific circumstances. These almost never come up throughout the course of a game, so naturally they almost never die. What exactly are these fatal circumstances for your favorite characters? Well, I'm glad you asked, because I happen to have assembled a slide deck for just this occasion...

This one's obvious. Just because Snake's managed to outlast some half-dozen armed uprisings, a gaggle of super-powerful military robots, and a virus that was genetically engineered to kill his clone doesn't mean he can sneak by the third-leading cause of death in the world. That's right, the legendary soldier will be felled by . Why not lung cancer? I'm thinking all those nanomachines in his blood probably know how to seek and destroy malignant tumors, given his frequent exposure to radioactive weaponry. Nope, thanks to his pack-a-day habit, he'll just cough his way into oblivion.

Compare Cloud Strife's outfit in Final Fantasy 7 to his outfit in Advent Children. Go ahead, I'll wait. Did you spot the difference? Aside from dropping that radical bolted shoulder plate, I mean. Yep - no more weightlifting belt. Shinra was smart enough to make a lifting belt part of the standard SOLDIER uniform. After all, if you're going to have your elite paramilitary force swinging around swords that weigh literally hundreds of pounds, you'd better look after their lower backs. But it looks like Cloud got cocky after he struck out on his own. I give it five years before his vertebrae explode like popcorn kernels and he drops dead.

We don't know much about sexually transmitted diseases from before the Renaissance, since medicine wasn't really a big deal back then. So I can't say with certainty which STDs the Spartan warrior Kratos would be most likely to contract thousands of years ago. I'll go with the safe answer and postulate all of those available at the time. Kratos can't go half an hour without ending up in bed with a handful of comely ladies, and I have no reason to assume that his many lovers are any more selective about their partners than he is. So assuming Kratos survives his perpetually uncertain fate, he'll still drop dead of the ancient Grecian equivalent of syphilis.... after his junk shrivels up and falls off.

Despite saving both Hyrule and Termina, no one else would ever sing of Link's most heroic exploits. That's the problem with grand quests to set timelines back in order - if you do your job right, you're the only one who knows you did it. So Link wanders around feeling unfulfilled. As he gets older, he takes to picking fights in taverns to prove his skill in combat. Forgetful from drinking, he doesn't remember to stock up on fairies. He loses his last fight to a mean-looking goron and comes back a few hundred years later as the Hero's Shade, where he can at least pass his knowledge on to a new hero in green (and warn him to stay off the booze).

There are so many ways Amanda Ripley can die in Alien Isolation! It's a veritable buffet of fatality. She could be shot to death by a crazed scavenger, kicked to death by an android, or even have her noggin punctured by the alien's inner jaws, to name a few options. But don't worry, because I guarantee you she's going to be A-OK for at least the next forty years. How can I be so sure when I myself haven't actually finished Alien Isolation yet? According to the director's cut of Aliens, Amanda is slated to die of cancer at the age of 66. Duh.

Nothing can kill Max Payne. It's a sentiment that many of his enemies have marveled about at one time or another, but it's not true. Despite his miraculous ability to shrug off the massive bleeding and organ failure endemic to being shot hundreds of times, he still has one big weakness: a crippling addiction to painkillers. And yeah, he's built up so much of a resistance to the drugs over time that his body can handle enough to put down an elephant. But when he starts approaching his golden years, and the usual aches and pains of aging are amplified by ten lifetimes worth of grievous injury, he's guaranteed to go a pill too far.

Whenever one of the Kongs gets taken out, they know they can count on their partner to come along and free them from the next conveniently placed DK Barrel. You can tell this particular scheme was conceived by Donkey Kong. The brutish ape turns barrels into splinters just for kicks - so obviously it wouldn't take too long to escape from one if nobody was around to free him. But what about Diddy Kong, just as an example? Diddy has chimp strength, not gorilla strength. Leave him in a product of fine cooperage for a week or so and, well, at least you already have the coffin sorted.

Nathan Drake is near-indestructible, but he does have a certain weakness for one woman: Elena Fisher. So it's a good thing she's a pinnacle of loyalty, tenacity, and patience, always ready to help him whenever he needs it... which is a lot of the time. But even Elena's saintly patience has to break down some time. As you can see from the existence of Uncharted 4, Drake just can't stay out of the adventuring game, and he just can't stop dragging Elena into it. She knows he'll never actually die on his dangerous adventures. So there's only one way to break the cycle of bullshit: sneak up behind him while he's making breakfast and break his neck. He'd want to go out that way.

You know how sharks will supposedly die if they stop moving? It's not entirely true, since most species can use suction to get oxygen to their gills when they slow down. But Sonic the Hedgehog isn't one of those species - heck, he isn't a shark at all! It's easy enough to diagnose Sonic's breathing difficulties just by looking at his shiny black nose. No nostrils, see? And the way his mouth is stuck in a permanent smirk off to one side of his face means he needs to keep running super-fast to force enough life-giving breath down his misshapen airway. That little foot-tap of his isn't attitude, it's a desperate plea for help.

The Master Chief is unbeatable in a firefight, but it's not all skill on his part. He owes his life to his MJOLNIR powered armor suit, and, more specifically, to its regenerating shield system. It's absorbed enough firepower to scorch a small country (let's say Finland), but it always fwooshes back on after taking a few seconds to recharge. At least, it always does before the batteries run out. Seriously, it's a miracle it hasn't happened already, considering how much power that thing must chew up. One of these days he'll forget to plug it in before he goes to bed, and that'll be the end of John-117.

Jill Valentine's seen some shit. Regular zombies, super-zombies engineered solely to destroy her, creepy parasites in cryo-stasis; she's dealt with them all admirably. Some day she'll get to leave all the battles behind. But they'll never leave her. It's only a matter of time before some poor sleepwalker sets her into a PTSD-induced flashback, only for her to regain lucidity as she's standing over his kerosene-soaked corpse. Her lawyer will try to get her off on an insanity plea, but her reputation as a "Master of Unlocking" will be enough for the prosecution to establish a criminal history. She'll spend the rest of her life wandering around, looking for the right key to open her cell door.

Normally I'd feel bad for revealing all of these heroes' weaknesses, but to be honest, they've encountered so much pain in their action-packed lives that they probably feel downright deprived of the sweet release of death by now. You know of any other surefire ways to make a character croak? Let's hear it in the comments!

Do you thirst for ever more death and destruction? Are you OK? Alright, then why not try the and nine healing items that would totally kill you in real life.

We sure seem to be getting a lot of remasters lately, huh? You can't go a week without some old game getting a brand new day in the spotlight on modern hardware. But there are reasons why they're so commonplace. People still want to revisit the classics, and that SNES cartridge just won't fit in a Wii U. And publishers, realizing that blockbuster games are time-consuming and costly endeavors, are reaching into their back catalogs to fill the gaps with inexpensive ports.

It's nice to get a chance to revisit those vintage games we haven't played in years, but many publishers are keen to simply dress up an old game's graphics, toss it on some new hardware, and call it a day. Sometimes, though, a remaster goes above and beyond to become something truly special. Maybe it's been slightly redesigned to adhere to modern game design sensibilities, or it includes additional features to entice returning players, or the overhaul itself is vastly more impressive than a simple reskin job. Whatever the case, these are the remasters that turned out to be more fun than the original game they're based on.

The Metroid Prime series did the impossible - it not only took the two-dimensional exploration the series is known for and expertly applied it to a three-dimensional space, it also made first-person jumping not suck. But if you wanted to play the whole series back-to-back, you had to have a GameCube and a Wii, GameCube controllers and memory cards, Wii Remotes, Nunchucks… It was a mess. Thankfully, Nintendo re-released all three in one Metroid Prime Trilogy package for the Wii (and on Wii U Virtual Console).

These games were instant classics, so Retro Studios could have gotten away with quick port jobs. Instead, it converted every game into full widescreen, and tied all three games together with the achievement/reward unlock system introduced in Metroid Prime 3. But best of all, the first two games in the series can be controlled using the Wii Remote and Nunchuck controllers. This doesn't sound like a big deal, but the Remote's point-and-shoot aiming gives you far more precision than your typical console FPS. Couple that with Metroid Prime's snappy lock-on targeting, and you'll be dancing circles around your enemies in no time.

When the desolate nuke-soaked landscape of Metro 2033 first arrived on PCs and consoles in 2010, it was rough around the edges. Sure, it looked nice (on PC anyway), but it was a bit too unforgiving to new players. Stealth was all but broken, if you didn't properly prepare at the beginning of the game you were boned by the end, and to top it all off, it was just generally kind of buggy. And the console versions were even jankier than the PC version.

Luckily, this uniquely atmospheric game got a new lease on life when 4A Games released the Metro Redux collection, and completely rebuilt Metro 2033 to bring it up to par with the far more playable Metro: Last Light. Not only are the graphics completely rehauled, but several new modes make it easier (like the Spartan mode which turns it into a more conventional first-person shooter) or harder (like Ranger mode, which is the closest anyone will hopefully ever get to life in a frigid Russian wasteland filled with irradiated mutants). Thanks to the update, Metro 2033 gets to be the beautifully desolate survival experience it was always meant to be.

Capcom is certainly no stranger to the world of ports and remakes (see: Street Fighter 2, Mega Man, Darkstalkers…). But when Capcom makes the effort to actually recreate a beloved classic for modern audiences, it doesn't just phone it in. The Resident Evil remake (or REmake, as fans have called it) on GameCube (and subsequent rerelease on new-gen consoles (I told you Capcom does this a lot)) does a lot more to the Spencer Mansion than some simple redecorating.

Sure, you get the higher-resolution backgrounds and nicer looking character models. Capcom also added a few new locations which were cut from the original game, as well as revamped puzzles to keep old players on their toes. Enhanced controls (180-degree turns!), and defensive maneuvers were also added to help give players a slight edge. Why would they need that, exactly? Because zombies can now come back to life as Crimson Heads, even faster and more deadly than before. It was enough to make my friend (who knew the original like the back of his hand) scream "HOLY SHIT THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN" when he got attacked by a Crimson Head for the first time. This is how you remake a classic.

The Bionic Commando reboot may not have gotten the love it deserved <(a href="http://www.gamesradar.com/what-game-did-you-love-everyone-hated/" target="_blank">unless you're one of the true fans). I guess that's what happens when you put your dead wife inside a bionic arm (it's a long, dumb story). Surprisingly, the downloadable Bionic Commando Rearmed took off instead, and its popularity is well deserved.

Rearmed is essentially a gussied-up retelling of the original NES classic, but it's so much more than that. The swinging physics were retooled to be more fluid and natural, bosses were changed to make use of all of your available skills, additional challenge levels and the entire last level are completely new to the game, and you can play through it all with a bud. And no, you still can't jump. That's what the grapple arm is for!

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of the DuckTales game? That's right - it's the joy of hopping around each zany level with Scrooge McDuck's cane like a child given a gallon of Surge. And when Capcom and WayForward brought DuckTales to a new generation of hardware, they made sure to keep that bounce intact. But that's not all they did for DuckTales fans young and old.

They brought back the entire surviving cast of the classic '90s cartoon show, including nonagenarian badass Alan Young to reprise his role as Scrooge. To make things look even more like the TV show, all of the game's 8-bit art was replaced with actual hand-drawn animation. Even the music blended elements of the classic NES game with newly recorded renditions of the songs from the animated series. In short, it's the perfect love letter to fans of DuckTales in every form.

Like a few games on this list, Final Fantasy 4 has been rereleased several times over the years, but its 3D incarnation on the DS (and more recently on PC and mobile devices) is its best, most fully version featured yet. Every cave, town, and moon has been lovingly recreated in 3D, and many of the most important scenes have surprisingly good voice work to accompany them.

With new minigames, sidequests, and additional plot points that weren't included in the original version of the game, the 3D version of Final Fantasy 4 is already packed with reasons to dive back in. But wait - there's more! A New Game Plus option lets you carry your equipment over to a second playthrough, where you can take on some hidden bosses for the first time. Sure, you don't get all the extra epilogue content featured in the After Years, but that stuff was mostly crap anyway.

Wind Waker has benefitted greatly from the value of hindsight. Originally decried by Zelda fans as 'that dumb kiddie cartoon one', now it's (rightly) heralded as one of the best Zelda games ever made. Except for, you know, that one bit near the end. You know, where you have to find all of those maps, pay for them to be translated, then find all of the Triforce pieces? And it takes foreeeeeeeeeeeeverrrrrrrrrr? God, wouldn't it be great if Nintendo would just fix it so it wasn't such a pain in the ass?

Well, as it happens, they totally did in the HD rerelease for Wii U. In addition to removing several steps of that asinine Triforce treasure hunt, there's also a special sail you can pick up at the auction house that speeds up travel times significantly. While it doesn't entirely fix Wind Waker's issues, it's still the best version of an already spectacular game.

What if Metal Gear was even more like one of your Japanese animes? What if it ditched the grainy, blocky polygons of the PlayStation era and adopted the sleeker, smoother curves of Metal Gear Solid 2? Well, your prayers are answered, because The Twin Snakes makes Metal Gear Solid even more bonkers (if you can believe it) and much prettier to look at.

Not only does The Twin Snakes bring with it a much-appreciated improvement in graphical fidelity, it also features many of the same moves and abilities from Metal Gear Solid 2 - including its first-person aiming mode. The Twin Snakes also features some incredibly over-the-top cutscenes, directed by Japanese action flick director Ryuhei Kitamura. Like, 'backflip-onto-a-missile-and-return-fire-with-a-rocket-of-your-own' kind of over-the-top. While the original Metal Gear Solid still remains a classic, The Twin Snakes just feels so much more entertaining.

The first two Monkey Island games are amazing point-and-click adventures, filled to the brim with hilarious pirate jokes, insult sword fighting, and way too many modern conveniences for a game set during the Golden Age of Piracy. But ever since I played the third entry, The Curse of Monkey Island, I always hoped that LucasArts would go back to the old games and stick some new artwork and voice acting on top of them.

Turns out my wish was granted back in 2009, and again in 2010, when LucasArts released the Special Editions of the first two games in the Monkey Island series. The updated graphics are take-'em-or-leave-'em, but you can switch to the old visuals at the push of a button. More importantly, every single line of dialog has been voiced by a stellar cast (including the one and only Dominic Armato as Guybrush Threepwood). You also get a handy hint system for both games and a neat commentary track for Monkey Island 2. The voice acting alone makes these Special Editions leagues better than the original releases. And yes, I know these are two separate releases, but they both got the same level of TLC, so I'm grouping them together. Because I can.

Before you go into full-on rage mode the next time you hear about another imminent re-release, just remember these extra-polished gems. Who knows? Maybe that old game is getting a ton of great stuff to make double-dipping worth it. Do you have a favorite remaster you enjoy more than the original? Or perhaps there's one you'd like to see? Let me know in the comments!

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Until humanity devises a way to build the lifelike robot version of a young Haley Joel Osment, artificial intelligence will always be a work in progress. I'm no programmer, so I can't speak to the complexities of making a machine act like a real person, or seemingly take up an agenda of its own. But I do know a thing or two about what makes for a good gameplay experience - which AI behavior can make or break, given the crucial role it plays in believability of the world and enjoyment of the combat. But too often, some form of decidedly less-advanced AI rears its ugly NPC face to ruin everyone's fun with positively inhuman or insane behaviors.

Certain kinds of wonky AI seem to crop up all over the gaming ecosystem, across all kinds of genres and generations. But these nine AI archetypes are so common, you'd think their faulty algorithms would've been worked out by now. Let's take a look at some of the stupidest types of game AI to ever rip us out of any immersion like a [humorous metaphor] [sentence punctuation] [continue to next slide]

They say it's dangerous to go alone - but forcing you to buddy up with a Thickheaded Teammate is more hazardous to your health than solitude ever could be. With their endless parade of flagrant idiocy, you'd think that they were a double agent, set up as part of your squad to sabotage your efforts at every turn. When they're not shooting you in the back of the head, they're stepping in your line of fire. Giving them a health item means they'll either waste it on the most minor wounds imaginable, or completely forget they have it when they're fatally bleeding out. As you watch in disbelief while your Thickheaded Teammate struggles to navigate stairs or bypass an open door, you'll suddenly find yourself testing the game's capacity for friendly fire.

As seen in: Resident Evil 5, Halo: Combat Evolved

It's a wonder that the Helpless Companion can wipe their own butt without your step-by-step assistance. Rescuing someone from a deadly situation isn't supposed to be easy, but the Helpless Companion seems determined to get the both of you killed on account of their ineptitude. Instead of running away from danger, they either sprint towards it with open arms or stand perfectly still, neither of which is super helpful when your success depends on their survival. The Helpless Companion is the type who would run headlong into a burning building - not in an attempt to rescue anyone inside, just out of sheer confusion. Maybe it'd be best if you just 'forgot' to rescue them this time.

As seen in: Ico, Dead Rising

Is it clairvoyance? The ability to calculate every possible outcome and thus see into the future? No! It's just the game bending the rules to its advantage, leaving you hopelessly frustrated in the process. The Blatant Cheater seems to think that neck-and-neck competition is the only thing that makes gaming worthwhile, and if your skills are upsetting that balance, then you deserve to be punished. Their methods are many: conjuring up the exact item that ruins you, reading your button inputs, exploiting limitless resources, and so on. But the end result is always the same: you, the player, questioning what you're doing with your life, because the computer seems to be scornfully orchestrating your every loss.

As seen in: Mario Kart, Mortal Kombat

Give the Tireless Worker a task, and they'll do everything they can to please you. They've got no problem constructing buildings or gathering resources for five days straight, just to see their job through to the end. But once that job's complete, they become utterly useless. Without some kind of constant directive telling them what to do, Tireless Workers are content to simply stand in place until death or a new assignment, whichever comes first. The only outside influence that can jolt them out of an unproductive stupor is getting caught in the line of fire - a hazard that they seem to forget all about after running roughly 20 feet.

As seen in: StarCraft, Command Conquer

Yes, this design is often integral to old-school gameplay, but it's such an existentially terrifying notion that I never want to see it again. The Unthinking Drone lives a tragic, typically brief life, as it cannot deviate from a set of basic directives. If you are to walk forward, then you walk forward - even if that means marching trance-like into a bottomless pit, or staring directly at the gun that's about to blow your brains out. Has the Unthinking Drone's free will been suppressed by Nineteen Eighty-Four-style indoctrination? Or does it internally scream out in an attempt to command its unresponsive body?

As seen in: Super Mario Bros., Mega Man

No matter where you are in the world, a properly functioning compass will always point north. The guns held by Armed Compass soldiers work in much the same way: no matter where you are on the map, their barrels will always be pointed directly at you. If you reveal so much as an errant nose hair from behind cover, the Armed Compass will immediately and continuously unload clip after clip in your direction, no matter the range or visibility. That's about all they're capable of, though. Things like flanking your position, calling for backup, moving away from a live frag grenade at their feet, or backpedaling when you charge at them with a knife in hand are all actions that seem to elude the Armed Compass.

As seen in: Titanfall, Battlefield 3

Sometime in the past decade, developers realized how infuriating it is to get a Game Over just because your Helpless Companion teammate bit the dust. So why not go the other direction and make your plot-centric companion nigh-invincible? The problem is that believability kinda takes a hit when your partner can soak up bullets like a Kevlar-brand ShamWow, or skips daintily in front of enemy's faces without ever getting their attention. You're the hero of this game, so the Superhuman Aide can't move the action forward without you. But given their incredible abilities and borderline immortality, it seems like they're far more deserving of the spotlight than your sorry, Medkit-needing ass.

As seen in: Half-Life 2, The Last of Us

As you go about your day-to-day life, you typically don't see many people standing on chairs, walking into walls, rotating in place, or synchronizing their movements with those of a stranger for no apparent reason. But in the virtual world, such bizarre, inexplicable activities are commonplace, all thanks to Abnormal Citizens. They go about their daily routines like any normal person might, making sure to spout the appropriate lines whenever you walk by and/or threaten their lives. But leave them to their own devices, and you'll quickly realize that the Abnormal Citizen has a very limited grasp on spatial awareness or social norms. Then again, you seem to be the only one who thinks what they're doing is weird - so maybe you're the one with a problem.

As seen in: Assassin's Creed, Fallout

If your comrade enters a room only to be immediately gunned down, our basic instincts for self-preservation tell us that following him is probably a bad idea. But the Slow Learner approaches that same situation a bit differently. Watching as their ally takes a shotgun blast to the skull directly in front of them isn't a sign of impending doom - it's an invitation to step right up, now that it's finally their turn to waltz through the door. It doesn't matter if they have to step over a steadily growing pile of allied corpses. The Slow Learner has to see what all the commotion is about with their own two eyes, before a bullet is inevitably lodged between them.

As seen in: Bulletstorm, GoldenEye 007

What's the most annoying AI archetype you're sick of seeing? Any particularly good stories of allied NPCs driving the both of you off a cliff, or enemies who can't seem to see what's directly in front of them? Share and share alike in the comments below!

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Video games can tell some amazing stories. Their ability to mix audio, video, and interaction together into a single work can really draw participants in and have them connect with the piece on a deep, emotional level. Games can make us laugh, cry, or even give us the ability to create new stories on our own that we can share with others. At their best, they give context to our actions within the game. Those actions then influence the how the story plays out, and the two compliment each other to form one cohesive whole.

For some games, however, the story feels like more of an obligation. Developers figure, 'well, we gotta have some sort of a reason why Shooty McMurderPants is running around shooting stuff and murdering people all day long, so here you go!' Inevitably, this can lead to shortcuts and sloppy storytelling, where your actions in the game feel almost completely disconnected from the plot, creating what critics call "a giant clusterfuck." Here are some of the laziest storytelling cliches for when you feel like just phoning the whole thing in.

This one is a classic, as well as a personal favorite of mine. I don't care if we're talking books, games, or whatever else - if there's a character with amnesia that always equals a good time because it means everything is not as it seems. And let me tell you something, there's nothing better than having everything be not as it seems. Friends can be revealed as enemies. Characters can tap into long-forgotten powers. Secret identities can become not-so-secret identities. Nothing is off the table, all without having to write a word of opening exposition.

Even so, you can have too much of a good thing. A twist doesn't feel like much of a twist when you know the twist is coming - just ask M. Night Shyamalan - and when amnesia is on the table then you KNOW a twist is coming. You never see a character with amnesia that just turns out to be a normal dude, or better yet never recover from the amnesia ever. Imagine that: amnesia with no payoff, now there's a twist.

This is a apex of video game power fantasies. You're the Master Chief. You're the Inquisitor. You're the one the prophecy spoke of. You're better than everyone else. Congratulations! Now get out there and start saving the universe because dammit that's what you were born to do. And everyone else knows it, or will be made to know it in short order.

But does literally the entire universe need to revolve around you? There are plenty of heroics to be found in the everyman as well. It's easy to be brave when you're a genetically enhanced super soldier or blessed with some ancient and mysterious power. If you're just some random person - like you or me - then it's a lot harder. But isn't that struggle against such overwhelming odds part of what makes someone heroic in the first place?

You're a game developer. You've spent months - maybe even years - developing this amazing new world to serve as the backdrop for your game. You've got Word documents coming out your ears detailing the rich history, the triumphs, and the strife of this world and its people. But how are you going to fit all of it into your game? Two words my friend: audio logs. Just fill your world up with old recordings made by some person for some reason, and PRESTO you've got yourself some backstory.

It's just too bad audio logs are so boring. There's no getting around it. No one wants to stop blasting dudes in the face and listen to a dead guy's answering machine for five minutes. I don't care how interesting his messages are. While audio logs (or journal entries or whatever) are efficient at conveying a lot of information, they hardly take advantage of the medium's visual and interactive strengths. Especially if they're the kind that make you REMAIN STATIONARY or SIT IN A MENU to listen to them. They're the most infuriating, and completely miss the point of being an audio log in the first place.

Bad guys just love calling heroes on the phone to tell them how unimpressed they are with the whole situation. Why do they feel the need to do this? Why does Azmodan in Diablo III hop on the demonic Skype every time I kill one of his lieutenants or destroy one of his siege engines just to let me know he really doesn't care that I just killed one of his lieutenants or destroyed one of his siege engines. If you really don't care that much, don't pick up the phone.

Having a bad guy call you up on the phone just to taunt and tease the player doesn't accomplish all that much, other than remind us "oh yeah, that's the bad guy." The nastiest, most memorable, and downright coolest villains are never the ones that spew empty threats at you all day. They're the ones who get shit done. They don't have time to chat because they have an evil plan and they're sticking to it. And when they do finally give you their attention, it's because you royally screwed up said plan. It's because you earned it.

Sometimes it can be hard coming up with a reason for players to actually like, or care about, your hero. Think about, say, Kratos, or Talion from Shadow of Mordor. They're basically dudes who are angry all the time and run around killing people and/or monsters day in and day out. So, why should I care about his person? Because his family is dead. Not only that, they were murdered right in front of his eyes.

It's the perfect motivation, really. You free your hero up from his parental responsibilities while also giving him a reason to want to straight up murder a bunch of dudes in cold blood. It's a win-win. Except now it's been done so much it's become comical. The moment you see a nice, happy-looking family in a video game, you KNOW they're on the way out. Especially the wife. Holy crap, if you're some dude's wife in a video game your part might as well be played by a skull and crossbones because you're living on borrowed time.

Being stranded in hostile territory sucks. It doesn't matter if you're in Silent Hill or Rapture, or that island in Tomb Raider. The result is always the same: everyone wants to kill you. It's really just a convenient excuse for having you murder everything in sight. And because you're in an enclosed environment, there's no need to worry about the ramifications - or even the reasoning - behind your actions. This is a fight for survival, dammit, and you're just doing what needs to be done.

Of course, since everyone and everything is trying to kill you all the time, there's not much room meaningful, non-murder-related interactions. Sometimes you meet a companion or two, and maybe you help one of them escape, but at the end of the day your only real meaningful contribution was putting shotgun shells in the faces of your enemies.

Nothing invalidates your gaming accomplishments more than seeing the villain from the previous game show up unexpectedly in its sequel. All that hard work. All those hours of strategizing and preparation. All of it rings hollow when you see that same villain inexplicitly return from the dead. Plus, since it's the same villain all over again you know how the song and dance plays out. Their personality, weaknesses, and master plan, all the jazz has already been established. Here we go again.

This is really one of the most lazy entries on this list. "Quick, we need a surprise twist that won't take a lot of explanation, nor require us to set up a new character right before the end of the game. Solution: bring the old villain back from the dead!" It's perfect. Players already know the old villain, but who would have suspected they'd see said villain again in this new game? Who needs new ideas when we have all these old ones to fall back on!?

What’s disappointing about this is list is that, at one point or another, every entry was a really cool and original idea. Then everyone started doing it. And it became too mainstream and it started to suck. Now everyone does it and it's basically ruined. Everyone ruins everything. Of course, this list is by no means comprehensive. I'm sure you all can think of even more storytelling cliches everyone has managed to ruin.

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We all have that one game, that misunderstood gem in the back of our collection that's still close to our heart. The same one that, when mentioned to friends (or judgemental coworkers) gets us nothing but eye-rolls and cries of "Wait, you actually LIKE that game?" Yes, we do like it, dammit, and we're proud about it too! It's not our fault the rest of you don't see the genius - or just goofy fun - found in these games.

Nonetheless, we'll give it a shot. Each editor has selected a game he or she feels has been universally panned but still has plenty of entertainment to offer. Dive into this list with an open mind, and you might just find a new favorite for your collection. Just be cautious about who you talk to about this new purchase.

At first blush, Mystical Ninja starring Goemon is a Super Mario 64 clone on a system with far too many Super Mario 64 clones. And if you looked at it as such (like many reviewers at the time did), that's all you saw. The jumping was imprecise, the camera even worse, and the entire game was plagued by an encroaching layer of fog - you know, just like every other Nintendo 64 game out there. But if (like me), that system was all you had, you were likely starving for something, anything (seriously, anything) to play. So, armed with my trusty Nintendo Power, I rented it from Blockbuster and plowed through it. And oh, boy, am I glad I did.

See, Mystical Ninja starring Goemon isn't just a Super Mario 64 clone, it's one of the most surreal, bat-shit bonkers games you're likely to find on the N64. In it, Goemon is trying to stop the Peach Mountain Shoguns from turning feudal Japan into a Westernized theater with a giant laser beam. A laugh track plays over every single bad joke in the game. Many boss fights culminate in a showdown between two screen-sized mechs - oh, but first you're treated to an every single time. Yeah, Mystical Ninja starring Goemon may not be a 'good' game in the traditional sense, but I guarantee that it's unlike everything you've ever played.

Which game do I love that everyone hates? Lollipop Chainsaw. Apparently it's dumb, clunky, poorly-written and all the rest. But I really do like the partnership between Nick and Juliet. There are some fantastic lines in there. The one about being racist towards cows, the one where Nick does a really sarcastic cheerleading chant, and - of course - the timeless classic: "What the dick?"

It sounds awful on paper and it probably is. And it certainly isn't what you would describe as 'classy'. But I really enjoyed playing it. And the 'sparkle hunting' rainbow-spewing multiple beheading chainsaw moments are beautiful. And yes, dammit, now I want to play it again. Yeah, tut all you want. OK, ready for the in-joke about three people will get? "Oh wait, I fucked up. It's Sonic 4: Episode 1." Ithankyaw.

You know when you pick up a delicious cake, stuff it merrily into your mouth, and thoroughly enjoy it, knowing full-well that it’s not exactly a nourishing piece of sustenance but who cares, because it’s cake and that’s sort of entirely the point? Yeah? Thought so. And you know when someone comes along later, sees the crumbs, and says “Oh, cake? You were eating cake? What were you thinking, you idiot, no-one likes cake. It’s well-known by all to be disgusting." No, of course you don’t. Because that would be madness. But that’s exactly what happens every time I mention enjoying Quake 4.

Does it have the bona fide, groundbreaking classic status of Quakes 1, 2 and 3? No. Is it fun? Is it a decent, grimly satisfying, sci-fi horror FPS, with great weapons and some rather cool ideas? Yes it is. Yes it is that all the way. Hell, the nightmare Stroggification sequence is worth the price of admission alone. It was a groundbreaking use of first-person storytelling at the time, and the way the game uses it to overhaul the gameplay - after holding back on Quake’s more kinetic excesses for the first part of the game - is pretty damn smart indeed. My Quake cake. I shall have it, and I shall eat it, and I shall thumb my nose at you, Revisionist Popular Internet Hivemind.

It may seem odd to claim love for a multi-million dollar franchise starter that 'everyone else hated', but this one's all about the timing. While the first Assassin's Creed game was incredibly popular when it first came out, I didn't get into the franchise until after the release of AC2, and by then people were singing a different tune. After Ezio hit the scene, it was agreed among the fanbase that newcomers should skip Altair's tale and save themselves the torture of an endless fetch quest stream and repeating the same mission over and over again. Luckily, I went charging into the first Assassin's Creed before anyone could convince me not to, and it's still one of my favorite in the series.

I won't deny that the gameplay is relatively simple and repetitive, but that's part of what I loved about it: missions were very similar with just enough differences that using what you knew in a new set of circumstances became a fun challenge. Without ten million sidequests to complete, the mission was your primary objective, and every target I took down felt like a big step toward my goal. AC1 also gave me my favorite AC protagonist, Altair, who I've always adored far and above the wildly-loved Ezio. Sure Ezio has swagger, but Altair's very human flaws and his ability to overcome them made him cheer him on through every bit of sarcasm. Plus, this game introduced him to his soon-to-be wife. How can you hate their adorable, snarky love?

Analytically, scientifically, I know that the Mario Party games are random, messy affairs that take far too long to play and can be quite frustrating. I know the pain of losing a hard earned star to an impossible twist of fate, and how very unfair its unbalanced gameplay can feel. I know all this, but if you asked me to play a round of Mario Party with you right now, I'd instantly say yes.

What's wrong with me? Well, I'm a big fan of real life board games, with the friendly (and down right vindictive) spirit of competition taking hold, and the Mario Party series is a fitting venue. I also tend to enjoy the goofy minigames included, and some are way ventive than they’re given credit for. Hate on it all you like, but I’m more than ready to give the amiibo-centric sequel a try. I’d play it long before another round of Monopoly.

I'm a firm believer that as long as you're playing with friends, any game can go from being god-awful to a grand old time. Take Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City, a misguided attempt to adapt Capcom's survival horror franchise into a multiplayer co-op romp in the same infected vein as Left 4 Dead. But instead of exploring tense environments as iconic zombie killers like Jill Valentine or Leon Kennedy, you trudge from one bit of ho-hum cover-shooting to the next with a squad of random Umbrella agents.

And yet, I had the time of my life playing it with a certain Greg H. Every glitch, failed firefight, or instance of idiotic AI incited a laugh riot, and the original characters' banter and bizarre designs (like the ) actually became quite endearing over time. Rather than eliminate the undead with maximum efficiency, we were more focused on who could snag collectible data packets first (Greg always won). If you're looking for dumb RE fun with up to four players in online co-op, then I highly recommend what Greg and I lovingly refer to as "Operation Raccoon Shizzy".

No, I'm not talking about the awesome TMNT arcade game that everyone loves; I'm talking about the red-headbands-on-the-cover, glitchy TMNT side-scroller with the God-forsaken dam level. Yeah, that TMNT game. I love that game. Everything about it is awesome. I mean, in what other TMNT game can you play as any of the Turtles at any time, fight iconic characters like Bebop and Rocksteady, and actually drive around a Turtle Van that shoots cannonballs? Not many, my friends.

Look, if you hate it, that's fine. I'm not going to claim that it's a perfect game. But, if you gave up and never beat the dam level, you're just not a true TMNT fan. You're just not trying very hard. There are way harder levels in other games. The dam is actually pretty easy if you give it more than one shot. Give me the unwieldy controls, instant pit deaths, and randomly respawning enemies. I'll play this game any day.

There was one thing - one crucial thing - developer GRIN had to nail when developing the 2009 reboot of Bionic Commando: the swinging. And they crushed it. I'm talking home run grand slam power bomb boom shaka laka hit this one out of the park (and into low orbit). Zipping between high beams and tree branches in this game is a blast, from the rush of speed you feel as Spencer dips into the arc of his swing, to the way he floats in midair just long enough for you to line up your next shot. You can almost feel the wind whipping through Spencer's oily dreadlocks.

And that's where the problems lie. The dreadlocks. The all-too-serious tone. The wife arm (don't ask). Bionic Commando was not without some controversial design decisions, but they're only skin deep. After three completed playthroughs (and counting), I can assure you the game's swing-and-shoot action soars above its plot, and creates firefights that are far teresting to navigate than the typical, cover-based action of other third-person shooters. The game is a wild ride, the swinging feels easy and exciting, and for crying out loud it's dirt cheap on Amazon. Spend some time with it this weekend.

The games found in this list aren't for everyone, and that's a good thing. Often times, whether you're talking about games or movies or books or any other creative work, your favorites - that ones that really stick with you - aren't going to be the most popular. They're not going to have that mass-market, something-for-everyone appeal. Instead, they're going to focus on something that connects with you specifically, and that's what makes them special. What personal treasures are in your collection? Let us know in the comments below.

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You know how you’ll buy ten sandwiches at that corner shop to eventually earn a free meatball sub? Well, some years ago, Nintendo decided to take that approach with its games, rewarding its fans with free stuff for buying the publisher’s products. And now, after Club Nintendo’s ups and downs (if you believe the internet, mostly downs), Nintendo is pulling the plug on the global service.

As someone who registered literally hundreds of items with Club Nintendo, I was as sad about the program’s demise as anyone. But I’m not here to bury Caesar, I’m here to praise him! There are so many great things Club Nintendo gave to company diehards over the years, whether it was something physical, digital, or just a modest sense of community. And now, as Nintendo preps a new approach to rewarding consumers, let’s look back on the many great (and even not-so-great) aspects of disappearing service.

Easily Club Nintendo’s most obvious highlights were all the physical items you could earn. After registering games and accruing hundreds of coins or stars (depending on region), you could get all kinds of Nintendo memorabilia that couldn’t be found in stores. There were posters, playing cards, pins, folders, and much, much more - though the prices didn’t always make sense. You had to register six games to get a tiny Mario badge? It was a bit much.

Out of the many things I got gratis from Club Nintendo (even the shipping was free!), my favorites were the practical items. I’m not 15 anymore, so a set of posters doesn’t do much for me, but Mario hand towels? A desk rack for storing DS carts? A Pikmin tote bag? Historically accurate recreations of old hanafuda cards and Game Watch machines? Now those are things I can (and do) use in everyday life.

Nintendo didn’t restrict Club Nintendo to physical releases either, as games were also claimable. However, as nice as it may be to receive a free port of Super Mario Land for a few hundred coins/stars, Club Nintendo also hosted a number of free titles you couldn’t get anywhere else. In the US, the practice began with an early version of North America’s Club Nintendo giving away the indispensable The Legend of Zelda: Collector’s Edition for registering a couple games. And the exclusives only grew from there.

Grill-Off with Ultra Hand! is an early reward that gave many Club Nintendo alums a set of Wii minigames based on Nintendo’s grabby toy of the 1960s. The team behind the Punch-Out!! reboot pit trainer vs. trainee in Doc Louis’ Punch-Out!!, an extremely rare Wii download that only North American Club Nintendo folks could get in 2009. And then there were the Game Watch Collections for DS, exclusive (and very simple) recreations of some of Nintendo’s earliest games. All of these could only be claimed by Nintendo devotees ready to register every game under the sun - or those ready to pay big bucks on eBay.

Just about every publisher has gotten into the business of fancy freebies and extras for preordering the next big sequel. Yet, Club Nintendo was where the N took a different approach from its competitors. Instead of giving you some exclusive costume or gun, registering a particular game with the service could net you soundtracks, posters, new characters, or even a hefty amount of store credit.

Registering Ocarina of Time 3D got you a CD version of the soundtrack, and you were similarly rewarded for registering both versions of Super Smash Bros. in 2014. Add Kid Icarus: Uprising to your account and you’d get a set of AR Cards not offered in US stores. If you bought the combo of Fire Emblem: Awakening and Shin Megami Tensei 4 (games that any real RPG fan was going to buy anyway), you got $30 in eShop credit. And then there’s the exclusive DLC attached to games like Hyrule Warriors and Smash Bros. 3DS/Wii U. In retrospect, Nintendo could’ve done this type of stuff with way more games, but whenever we did get a special offer, it always felt worthwhile.

If you were a particular level of Nintendo obsessive, you registered enough games to qualify for either ‘Gold’ or ‘Platinum’ tiered rewards once a year. Being a crazy consumer, I ranked Platinum every year and for a time collected some really cool stuff offered on the North America store. I got a pretty detailed Mario figurine, a Mario hat I wear on special occasions, and the aforementioned Doc Louis’ Punch-Out!! It was fun for a time… but then the rewards started to go downhill.

Exclusive games and figurines are impressive, and look even better compared to the tiny desk calendar, and shoddy set of pins that came down the line. As the years wore on, it seemed like Nintendo’s heart just wasn’t into the Platinum rewards anymore. I get that sending out stuff all across the country is pricey, but if you’re only going to offer a small set of playing cards instead of an exclusive figure or hat, why even bother? Those rewards felt like a last minute gift your uncle bought you on the way to your birthday party.

Speaking of not being happy with what you’ve got, any Club Nintendo member outside of Japan would be routinely filled with rage when they saw the cool stuff that never left the island nation. See, Club Nintendo had been running much longer in Japan than in every other part of the world, so that branch had a lot of momentum behind its freebies. So, if you want to preserve your sanity, you may want to head to the next slide before seeing what items stayed in Japan.

When it came to games, Club Nintendo Japan released an impressively odd remake of Balloon Fight that cast lovable weirdo Tingle as the lead. There’s also the fanservice-laden card game Nintendoji, and an exclusive digital rerelease of the underrated Advance Wars: Days of Ruin. But my eyes get extra green when I see the non-game rewards, like an anniversary soundtrack for Luigi, or CDs for the stellar Super Mario Galaxy orchestral scores, or a couple of fashionable Mario and Luigi handbags, or a Wii Classic controller that looked like a Famicom joypad. But the exclusive, ridiculously rare Chotto Mario-themed 3DS is the easiest to covet of Japan's freebies. Just try finding one of those online for less than a grand.

Reaching the end of Club Nintendo has gotten me all nostalgic, so I headed to my account and looked back on everything I registered. It’s a loooooong list, with over 350 items registered over the last 11 years. Though that includes demos and game updates, so I’m not as crazy as that number seems. Aside from reminding me that I’ve played a LOT of games since 2003, that registration list is also an unexpected journal for my fandom.

Thanks to Club Nintendo, I know it was September 26, 2013 when I decided to try Hakuouki: Memories of the Shinsengumi, and that I first played Elite Beat Agents two days after Christmas in 2006. Where were you on June 14, 2005? Because I know I had just opened up a Nintendo DS. As a gamer, it’s easy to lose track of the when and where of it all, but if you’ve been devoted to Club Nintendo through its entire run, your history with the company is chronicled for more than a decade.

It’s easy to remember Club Nintendo for all the free crap it delivered, but that ignores all the hard work involved in actually acquiring the lovely junk. To score those coins/stars, you had to register a game and then spend valuable minutes filling out lengthy questionnaires for your purchase. Having a pile of surveys to complete could feel like a real chore, but after doing dozens of them, you realized out how to fly right through them - mainly by not giving a fuuuuuuuuu...

That part that asks for a number? Put in 99 or 22 or whatever, it doesn’t matter. Nintendo wants you to explain what you liked about the game in 150 words? Type in “gdfsgsdgonsdnsgokn.” The system can’t tell the difference - and I don’t write reviews for free. The last seven years of my surveys couldn’t have been all that useful to Nintendo, but all I know is that I got my hands on that free stuff much, much faster.

I want to take one last moment to spotlight the extra effort Nintendo put into the freebies, including some stuff that many didn’t notice. When it came time to design a set of hanafuda cards, the cover to a CD soundtrack, or a tote bag, the company could’ve slapped any old art on the giveaways. Instead, Nintendo put the work to get their top class artists to create brand new portraiture for Club Nintendo.

Look at those highly stylized cards above! Stare at that calendar cover! And marvel at the energy and excitement crammed into the Super Mario 3D World soundtrack case! Not everyone noticed, but if you were paying attention, Club Nintendo was like a secret gallery showcasing the company’s talented art team.

Club Nintendo will soon be no more, but what could take its place? Nintendo says it plans to roll out a new customer loyalty system, but will I be able to get a new tote bag when it debuts? Will my catalogue of previously registered games simply vanish? So many questions without answers. In the meantime, please head to the comments section below to share your own Club Nintendo memories as the service rides off into the sunset.

Need to console yourself with more Nintendo features? Check out this dense list of .

When you're a kid, there's no such thing as a video game backlog. You get a few new games a year as birthday or holiday gifts, and you have all the time in the world to play them courtesy of summer vacation. But you and I are adults now, and backlogs are a very real, ever-present part of our continuously growing game libraries. Disposable income and awesome year-round sales give us the means to buy tons of worthwhile games, but real-world responsibilities have robbed us of the time we need to actually play them all.

But I'm vowing to put a dent in my overwhelmingly giant backlog (which you're about to see some selections from) over the next 12 months - and judging by the responses to or the stack of unopened games on your shelf is quite different from actually accomplishing it. If you're determined to finally beat your backlog this year, I've got some sensible tips to help make it happen for the both of us (fingers crossed).

I can't guarantee that these tips will eradicate your backlog in one fell swoop - but let's you and I give it our all this year! Do you have any other insightful tips for keeping an ever-expanding backlog at bay? Which games will you be prioritizing on your to-do list? Tell me all about it in the comments section below. Oh, and just FYI, the games you've just seen from my backlog are Fire Emblem: Awakening, The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion, Saints Row The Third, Final Fantasy 7, GTA 4: The Ballad of Gay Tony, Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet (donezo!), The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, Earthbound, Etrian Odyssey 4, The Witcher 2, Knights of the Old Republic, Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor, Fallout: New Vegas, Professor Layton and the Miracle Mask, and Uncharted 3 - a mere fraction of what I have to get through before I die. And truth be told, I've already beaten Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, pictured above - I tossed it in here for Lorenzo's sake, and because it looks so cool.

And if you're looking for more, check out .

More and more games give you the option to customize your character's appearance, but you're usually better off sticking with the pre-made suggestions. Sure, you could drop a few hours into tweaking sliders and prodding at palettes until you've made a perfect recreation of your (theoretical) lovechild with Chris Evans… but once you get her in the game, you'll probably realize the lighting was off and she actually has jaundiced skin and a severe overbite.

Thankfully for all of us, there's a better way: stop fighting the creepiness. Let the 'randomize' button do its work and then throw a few sliders to the maximum just for good measure. You'll come up with instantly memorable results in a tenth of the time and I'll have plenty of fodder for another article just like this one. Until then, let's bask in the glory of some of the strangest creatures to emerge from character generation.

This guy looks like the failed result of a cloning experiment that used frog DNA to reconstruct incomplete parts of Hugo Weaving's genome. Life found a way (it always does), but in this case that way also led to asymetrical bug eyes, a nose that's threatening to soar off its face and into the stratosphere, and curiously well-oiled hair. But, really, I could have taken a screenshot of anybody in The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion and used it here. It's damn near impossible to make a Hero of Kvatch who doesn't look like they have a rotten cabbage atop their neck.

Frog Hero by

"Ugh, I know Miranda did her best on the Lazarus Project, but Shepard isn't the same since he came back from the dead. No, no, it's not just the scars. It's… everything. The mouth, the nose, the eyes... God, the eyes! Whenever he looks at me it feels like he's trying to figure out which parts to eat first and which to save for breakf - what are you looking at… Oh. Oh. H-h-hello, Commander."

Creepy Shepard by

OK, so the last one was obvious. Everybody's seen some off-kilter Shepards. Clearly BioWare wouldn't let it happen again in Dragon Age: Inquisition, right? Well. Hm. First we have to determine whether this guy is an elf, or if his ears just do that. And, to be fair, he'd still look like some kind of deep-sea terror even without them. Actually, you know what this Inquisitor is? He's what would happen if drew a clown instead of Joan Collins.

Clownquisitor by

Who's that walking next to Shaundi? No, not the elbow, that's Pierce. I had to cut him out of the image so I could give you a better look at whoever that is next to Shaundi. Is that a grown-up Chucky from Child's Play? No, no, Chucky's a doll, he couldn't grow up. Is it Carrot Top after an unsuccessful start to his boxing career? Ah, no, I know who that must be. That's Frida Kahlo's second cousin once removed, Frodo Kahlo. Shaundi always did appreciate the arts.

Frodo Kahlo by

Oh, no, sorry. There's Chucky. Seems like he's taken up golf and dyed his hair brown, but that's probably just in accordance with PGA regulations. Hey, if hitting the links keeps him from killing babysitters, it sounds fine to me. Looking good out there, Chuck!

Source unknown, probably a bog somewhere

Me gusta.

Source unknown, but wherever it is, I like it

Dark Souls is another one of those games where it's a challenge to make something that doesn't look like a Stretch Armstrong figure post-microwave - it's probably a bigger feat to make a decent-looking dude than to finish the game with him. But this guy is unique, in that I think he might actually look better with the wrinkly, rotten skin of a Hollow. At least you could tell where his cheeks ended and his eye sockets began. Until then, all I can imagine is something that got cut out of Evangelion because they thought it would it would confuse people too much.

Human Instrumentality Man by

I really shouldn't make fun of this guy. He finally makes it as a pro football player only to get stung by 30 bees swarming his face. To add insult to grievous injury, Bugs Bunny then tricks him into sucking up a bunch of liquid alum with a straw so his mouth gets frozen in a permanent pucker. Then he notices his girlfriend making out with his best friend on the sidelines and is rightfully angry and hurt. It was just not a good day to appear in a video game.

Bad day pro by

Have you ever seen one of those Korean horror movies where the protagonist's obsession with her own beauty eventually causes her undoing? And there's usually some horrible, deformed creature that symbolizes the path she's heading down if she keeps focusing on her looks to the exclusion of her friends and family (or maybe it's actually the spirit of a classmate she accidentally killed in high school)? That's pretty much this Sim's entire life. Great hair, though.

K-Horror Sim by

There's a good reason why everybody started off looking so damned ugly in GTA Online: the character creator didn't actually give you direct control of what anything would look like. The end result was a bunch of human compromises marauding around Los Santos, the creations of players who just couldn't be bothered to beat their heads against the system any more. But even now that Rockstar gives you more direct control, your character will still collect hideous scars and bruises throughout a busy play session - as was the case for this sorry-looking specimen, who wasn't even that handsome before he got that shiner.

Mr. Bruises by

Toad! Oh, no! This is why you were never supposed to follow Mario back through the warp pipe, Toad! You're an abomination! How could any just, loving, and GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY allow such a creature to exist, even in WWE 2K14?! You make Goldust look like Margaret Thatcher!

Wrasslin' Toad by

One of the many heartbreaking things about APB is that, no matter how incredibly intricate its character creator is, you'll simply never look nearly as good in-game. Your avatar will show up in the world with fuzzy textures and choppy hair, and you'll feel like you wasted hours perfecting a face only you would ever see in its true form. Unless you get wise like this player and make your character a scarred, misshapen wretch - in which case she'll actually look better with a thick coat of rendering vaseline slathered on.

Green, mean, poorly healing machine by

World of Warcraft only lets you pick a pre-made face from a dozen or so options for each race and gender combination. So you'd think they'd all be winners, right? Maybe winners in the 'everybody gets a medal' sense. But I have one serious question for anybody who picked the face in the upper right. Did you want your character to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger pretending to understand a joke? You can see Blizzard thankfully toned down the cluelessness in the modernized model below, so now he looks like he may get the joke after a few hours of careful consideration.

Facial collage by

It's not the big potato head or the huge, bushy eyebrows. Plenty of Dragon Ball Z characters have those and I don't feel bad for them. It's not the Dumbo-level flappy ears or even the gaunt cheeks. No, the reason my heart aches when I look at this strange man is his sad, empty eyes. That's the look of a man who has gone through so much pain, who knows that he has so much more ahead. And miles to go before he sleeps, and miles to go before he sleeps. He really does look like a baked potato, though.

The Spud of Doubt by

Those are some of my favorite player-made aberrations, but I know that so many more are out there, waiting to spring to life on the character creators of tomorrow. Until then, why don't you share some of your beloved creeps in the comments below?

Want more creepy game people? You're a strange one. Well, might as well check out the .

Microtransactions aren't so bad, you guys. Sure, they tend to be most effective when parents don't realize their kids can make as many of them as they want for a whole half hour after signing in, but they introduce so many interesting new mechanics for developers to explore on top of new ways to make money. And I know just how to prove their worth to you: by defiling - er - improving your favorite games with their presence.

Come with me on a grand tour of what it would have looked like if a dozen classic games had microtransactions built-in from the get go. Trust me, you'll find the idea of a paid coin doubler much more palatable when couched in the familiar trappings of the Mushroom Kingdom. Heck, by the end of this gallery you could well be tearing at your clothes and shouting praise for new monetization methodologies.

It took me forever to get to Staunton Island in Grand Theft Auto 3. Y'know why? Four words (and a number): Bomb Da Base Act 2. It's so irritating that my ability to escape Portland and head to Staunton Island, the center of the GTA 3 world, hinged entirely on my ability - or inability in this case - to snipe dozens of thugs using clunky first-person shooting controls.

But there's an easy solution for everybody. GTA 3 simply needs a paid 'Cut to the Chase' feature, where players can pay a reasonable price for a set number of 'clapperboards'. Whenever you get stuck on one of GTA 3's checkpoint-free missions, you can just use a 'clapperboard' to skip it. That way players who prefer to bash their heads against poorly designed levels are free to do so, but everyone else can just pay up and get back to exploring the city.

You got a purple rupee! That's worth 50 rupees! Too bad your wallet was already full, sucker! Don't lie, how many times did you open a chest and groan when Link pulled out another shiny gem? It should be a happy occasion, but you know full well that you'll need every one of those wasted rupees to buy yourself another Goron or Zora tunic after some asshole Like Like eats you.

You could go through the hassle of a Gold Skulltula killing spree and unlock them one by one - all the while wasting rupees from every pot you smash and monster you kill - or you could just spend a buck to upgrade your wallet right now. Hey, the Giant's wallet is only $5 and holds two and a half times as much - we'll just need your Nintendo Network ID and password to confirm the transaction...

Aside from a musical cue here or a burst of gunfire there, everything in Half-Life 2 is so… quiet. I mean, is this a near-future dystopian city or a near-future dystopian library? It's fine if you like 'ambience' and 'atmosphere' and other fancy stuff like that, but what I could really go for is a disembodied voice that shouts whenever I manage to kill a couple Combine soldiers in quick succession.

That's where the Announcer packs come in. Fill out all that dead air with enthused hollering from a host of Valve characters! Thrill as the Scout shouts "bonk!" with every crowbar strike! Cheer as Louis observes how Gordon going for a health pack is not unlike grabbing pills! Also, you can craft them all into a badge. No, I'm not sure what that means either.

I wouldn't do a thing to change the challenging, rewarding experience of playing the original Super Mario Bros. Actually, I could find one little issue with that 'rewarding' part - the coins. You need to get a hundred of the damn things for them to actually be worth anything. When you consider how many of them you'll actually find in an average playthrough, it's just a poor experience for most users.

Enter the Coin Doubler. A proven staple of the microtransaction arsenal, it doesn't replace the Mario coin economy or let you buy your way to victory, it just gives you a little boost. Now that you get to those 1-Ups twice as fast, you'll really go out of your way to snag extra coins. It's a winning solution for everybody! And it's cheaper than a venti frappuccino.

Aside from its own campaign, Sonic Knuckles' lock-on technology lets players try out parts of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 and 3 with the eponymous echidna, or access the new game's stages with familiar characters. On top of that, cramming the cartridges you already owned into the new one you just bought is still an oddly satisfying notion. The whole idea is so totally radical that it's a massive shame Sega didn't keep going from there.

Why stop building the lock-on tower at the second floor? Imagine a world with Sonic Knuckles Christmas, a low-priced cartridge that puts all the characters in Santa outfits and adds a North Pole level? Or Sonic Knuckles Hardcore, which removes the HUD and introduces permadeath? Mix-n-match however you want, as long as you can still fit it under the TV!

Did you know Suikoden has 108 characters to recruit? That's only 32 less characters than you can fit in a tweet. Sure, it's a role-playing classic and all, but how much time do you really have to devote to recruiting fictional cronies - many of whom you'll never even bother to add to your party?

Let's get real here. If you have a job or kids to take care of, you're not gonna find time to get all the 'stars' and unlock the secret ending. But don't give up hope! Just buy some Stars of Destiny Packs! Each one contains a random assortment of six characters with at least one holographic hero guaranteed per pack. If you get doubles, you can grind extras down to Stardust and craft them into the heroes you need.

Ok, you're pretty sure you need to talk to Otis in the prison next, but Guybrush keeps saying he won't because his breath stinks. That means talking's out, so let's try some other verbs. Use Otis. Nothing. Look at Otis. Ok, yes, you know what he looks like. Fine, let's get rough. Push Otis. Pull Otis. Turn off Otis? Arrrghhh!

But wait! You don't need to fret, and you don't need to overcome your crippling social anxiety to call the Lucasfilm Games help line! Just use a Hint Coin! What, you're telling me you don't have any hint coins? Well, you're in luck - all you need to do is click the icon in the corner of the screen, put in your credit card information, and buy some! Better get a few extra just in case - this game's tricky. Remember, 500 coins is the best value!

Halo introduced the genre-shifting concept of a recharging shield to first-person shooter games, (mostly) ending the long and glorious reign of the health meter and inexplicably effective medkit. But damn if it doesn't take a long time for your shields to start coming back. And once it does, the tiniest little pop from a Needler sets you back to square one! Sheesh, more like Combat Devolved.

Sure, you could take cover for a while. That's fine if you want to be all tactical. But players who prefer to run and gun can just make sure they're stocked up on Instant Shield Boosts. Hit up the Waypoint Store and get back in the fight in no time flat! It's not an advantage over non-premium customers, it's just another way to play the game!

Narrowly avoiding ghosts is fun and all, but it can get a bit stressful. Hardcore Pac-Man players know how to ration out their limited supply of Power Pellets so they always have one to turn to when they're about to be surrounded, but the rest of us get all too familiar with that "byoo byoo byoo BWAP BWAP" sound effect.

Don't deprive yourself of the thrill of munching on frightened ghosts. Activate a Power Pellet Booster to turn 24 random Pac-Dots into Power Pellets, and turn the tables on Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde!

This is it. One win and one loss. It's the final battle to take down M. Bison and strike down his nefarious Shadaloo criminal network. You and Ryu have made it all this way and nothing's gonna stop you now. Just get back, set up a good hadouken and… Ok! You've gotten him down a third of the way, play it conservative… No! He pulled off a scissor kick! But you can still recover if you just... andddd he knocked you out.

But wait, you can start right where you left off! All you need to do is drop a quarter in the - oh, wait, you already know how continues work? Ok then.

Here's the thing about Super Metroid: it's almost too big. Zebes has so many huge rooms and tiny nooks to explore, and every time you equip a new piece of equipment you get to go back and look it all over with a new eye for detail - like revisiting a book as you learn the complexities of its language. It's incredible. It's daunting.

Thankfully, Samus' limited supply of Exploration Energy ensures that players appreciate each and every room they visit. Passing through a door will deplete her reserves, so make sure you've found everything you need before you head out! Exploration Energy will recharge after enough time passes in the real world, but why not speed it up by watching a commercial or by using some of those Chozo Crystals you bought?

Ah, the joy of a well-constructed base. Look at it hum with activity, SCVs scurrying back and forth from mineral deposits and fresh marines pouring out of its barracks. The only bad part is that it took you so long to get everything set up just right that you don't really want to move on to the next level.

That's where SCV Boosts come in! Accelerate your building speed so new facilities form instantaneously, and never worry about spending hours establishing bases again! Don't worry Zerg and Protoss players, Larvae and Probe Boosts are available at the same reasonable price points!

Those are just a few of the many classics that could be made even better with the help of the humble microtransaction. I know you can think of a dozen more old favorites just begging for dialogue boxes that exhort players to spend more cash, so let me know what you think in the comments below!

As long as we're dwelling on the past, check out these .