Sleigh bells. Gift wrap. Homicidal gingerbread men and heavily armed snowfolk. Mistletoe. These are the things that the holiday season's made of, at least if you go by the many Christmas expansions video games have to offer. In a bid to wring every precious cent out of the season, developers have long made a point of playing Santa with festive mission packs and candy cane-shaped firearms sold to their holly jolly fanbases.

The memories of these merry offerings may fade with the turning of the seasons, but as that time of year comes 'round again and we troll the ancient Yuletide servers, we wish to honor those jolly Christmas expansions of yore. Don you now your DLC apparel, prepare yourself for some ho-ho-horrible Christmas punnery, and lets dig into those precious holiday memories.

What do you get? A new, Christmas-themed game in the Monty Mole series. Perhaps you kids, with your Ratchet Daxter and your Grand Torino videogame entertainments, don’t appreciate that a new Monty Mole game was a pretty big deal once. Your job is to wrangle the source code for a new Monty Mole game, oversee mastering of said game, and get it to distributors in time for Christmas, even as you play that very game. Remember the season of Seinfeld devoted to the making of a fictional Jerry Seinfeld sitcom? That's nothing compared to the postmodern genius of Moley Christmas.

Are you filled with holiday cheer? By replacing the drudgery of actual games programming and distribution with scenes of hectic Santa-suited platforming and dodging holiday traffic, Moley Christmas pretty much puts a gun to your head and orders you to make with the festive, bitch.

What do you get? Some short demo levels of then-huge Lemmings, in which the suicidal little creatures romp in the snow and wearing Santa costumes. This concept proved to be so popular that two full games were launched around it. Still, it's a bit of an odd bird. Why do the “basher” lemmings have just as much trouble digging through fresh powder snow as they would solid rock? What’s the point of keeping the moronic critters alive through all manner of peril, only to bake them into a Christmas pudding? But meh, they're wearing Santa suits, so we’ll give it a pass.

Are you filled with holiday cheer? Christmas Lemmings threatens to succumb to a very merry malaise: it’s so bursting with holiday cheer it could almost make you sick. The game averts this outcome though by providing you with hundreds of Santa-looking merry-makers, all of whom can be exploded at your merest whim.

What do you get? Two levels of cult Saturn-era Sega action-adventure NiGHTS into Dreams, set during Christmas and featuring date-sensitive holiday content. The limited edition of NiGHTS wouldn’t turn into Winter Nights until November, but wait another month after that, and the game would bust out the seasonal festivities. Of course, you could just tell your Saturn every day was Christmas, and NiGHTS would be none the wiser.

Are you filled with holiday cheer? With all those presents, Christmas trees, sleighbells and techno-rearranged Christmas carols on offer, Christmas NiGHTS is a bit like eggnog. It’s great during the appropriate season, but yearly access would probably make you ill.

What do you get? Jazz Jackrabbit is a hare who collects carrots and fights turtles (convoluted Aesop shout-outs FTW). In his three(!) holiday games, he does those things in the snow, set to a sleigh-bell-accented backing track. Audiences were disgusted by the games’ slapdash approach to seasonal biology (neither jackrabbits nor turtles are greatly active in the winter months), which is the only reason Jazz Jackrabbit is never today mentioned in the same breath as Mario or Sonic.

Are you filled with holiday cheer? Holiday Hare’s leading speculates the Jackrabbit holiday games “may become part of the next generation’s holiday traditions.” Evidently, adding a “snow on the rooftops” effect to the game’s menu fonts went a long way.

What do you get? A couple of Christmas trees that sit in Station Square and display messages wishing best of the holidays, joining you in waiting with bated breath for then-impending Y2K. You're hardly whisked away to a winter wonderland, though. By and large, the whole affair stays the same, but the sunny downtown Square has a couple ropey-looking trees in it. Being as this isn't even DLC so much as a limited-time key for pre-existing content, you’d think there could be some dodgy late-‘90s snow effects or something.

Are you filled with holiday cheer? You are if you go close to the trees and listen closely: it would play you an acapella version of the music from Christmas NiGHTS.

What do you get? In Star Wars Galaxies, Rebels and their sympathizers join in celebrating the Star Wars universe’s greatest holiday festival. That would of course be Wookiee Life Day, invented for the single most reviled piece of Star Wars media ever produced: the Star Wars Holiday Special. As Wookiee Life Day isn’t actually a celebration of Christmas per se, the game can do whatever it likes with seasonal tradition. What it likes is to expand the mythology of the Holiday Special so that Wookiee Life Day is at once mortifyingly sweet and kind of heartwarming. You know, like Christmas itself.

Are you filled with holiday cheer? How could you fail to be? Just as the Holiday Special enriched the lives of everyone except George Lucas (who probably sleeps OK at night regardless), Star Wars Galaxies’ Life Day brings cheer into the homes of all who participate. Except those playing as the Empire: their official mandate is to grief the whole celebration.

What do you get? An installment of Sam and Max in which every Christmas trope is rehashed, subverted and twisted into a plot that also involves demonic possession, corporate meddling and the imminent Apocalypse. It's pretty seamlessly done, so it makes us wonder how game designers until 2007 to capitalize on the fact that Santa is an anagram of Satan. Puns and video games – who knew those tastes could go together?

Are you filled with holiday cheer? Sam and Max could take Tax Day and turn it into an occasion for festive merriment. By the time you’ve digested the , you'll be forgiven for just not having any idea what to do with yourself.

What do you get? Santa costumes. You could dress your characters up and use them to traumatize viewers too young to have their notions of Kris Kringle marred by the film Silent Night, Deadly Night. For a series that's endured the bolting-on of everything from bug-catching nets to diminutive Jedi warriors, the ability to make your characters dress like a pissed-off mall Santa is par for the course. As long plenty of ludicrous ass-kicking remains, the spirit will endure.

Are you filled with holiday cheer? Like fun you are. A couple measly red suits cost two bucks! Charging for this kind of frippery is basically forcing hardscrabble penny-pinchers to choose between seeing new outfits or eating Christmas dinner.

What did you get? The same juicy, slashy goodness you've come to expect from Fruit Ninja, but now there's a snow globe! To be precise, the snow globe is you, and as you flail your arms in a desperate attempt to reach that escaping coconut, your silhouette is replaced with a lovely, snowy landscape. Plus, your ninja-bladed hands have become candy cane blades, the most fearsome of all Christmas weapons. Everything else is pretty much the same, except that the master of fruit is wearing a Santa hat and instead of getting the multi-slice pomegranate, you get a fruitcake. I've always wanted to destroy one of those.

Were you filled with holiday cheer? Sometimes it's the little things that make the season special. Yeah, you're still slice and dicing tropical fruits, but the wintery hints are just so whimsical you'd have to be a Scrooge not to crack a smile.

What do you get? A lot of weirdness, which is good, because it wouldn't be Saints Row otherwise. While the Saints are decorating their base of operations with all sorts of holiday livery, a cybernetic Shaundi from the future appears and claims that the boss must defeat a corrupted Santa Claus with nothing but some pop-guns and the joy of the season. The boss isn't huge on that idea at first, but after blowing away Santa's gingerbread army, s/he inevitably gets into the spirit. You might say that his/her heart grew three sizes that day.

Are you filled with holiday cheer? This much holiday merriment in one place would be as cloying as a mug of melted candy canes, if it was at all serious. As it is, the Saints make their cybernetic, trigger-happy holiday hijinks just funny enough that ending on a cutesy Grinch reference is entirely tolerable.

What do you get? Two missions in an inexplicable Christmas town full of murderous, gun-totting snowmen. In How Marcus Saved Mercenary Day, arms dealer Marcus calls on the vault hunters to travel through a wardrobe to the annoyingly whimsical land of Gingerton and check on a lost gun shipment. That explanation creates way more questions than it answers, but there's no time to think about that as you're thrown into an adorable winterland where everything is out for your blood. There you meet the unnervingly shirtless Smaller-than-average Timothy and defeat a vicious snow-overlord named Tinder Snowflake.

Are you filled with holiday cheer? If you spend the entire game trying to figure out what a holiday about contract killers could possibly have to do with awkward Dickensian knock-offs, probably not. But if you think a Psycho singing Carol of the Bells is hilarious, you'll probably love this whole thing and get some sick loot out of the deal. And in the end, isn't that what Mercenary Day is REALLY about? No seriously, that's a real question.

What do you get? A content pack as fat as jolly ol' Saint Nick. The Minecraft Festive Mash-Up Pack contains 36 new avatar skins, as well as a feature that transforms your Minecraft world into the sort of joyful snowscape that Jingle Bells was written about. There's also a new, jollified version of the Minecraft soundtrack, giving the pack that extra holiday tinsel it needs to round it all out. This festive mash-up is currently exclusive to Xbox consoles, though Microsoft has claimed it will appear on other systems in the near future. Still, looks like the corporate overlord might be playing favorites this Christmas. Just a guess.

Are you filled with holiday cheer? With this many semi-square Christmas trees, white blocks replacing brown blocks, and , how can you not get into the holiday spirit?

What do you get? It's the most wonderful time of the year, and what better way to show it than with completely impractical festive costumes? Whether it's a sexy snowman, a sexy angel, or a sexy badly-wrapped present (seriously, someone get these girls some gift paper before they die of hypothermia), this Christmas costume set has you covered. Heck, even Hayate and Ein join the party as sexy reindeer, so there's something here for everyone. Except maybe people who don't want to sit in their living rooms shivering in empathy. Can't help you there.

Are you filled with holiday cheer? Just like with Soulcalibur, the idea of laying down hard-earned holiday money for a bunch of costumes is painful, especially when the pack costs a whopping $18. Holy mother of mistletoe! And yes, it only contains the costumes (a seasonally appropriate twelve of them), so you must really want to see the Dead or Alive cast in barely-there holiday attire to make this one worth it.

'Tis the days before Christmas, and all through the 'net, devs are offering expansions you may want to get. But take heart: memorable as they may be, there's only a few you'll want under your tree. Which of these expansions do you think is the best? Is there something much better you'd like to suggest? Say so in the comments, and have no fear - if you hate all of these, there's always next year!

Is it beginning to feel a lot like Christmas? Keep that feeling going with .

If you're a guest in someone else's home, don't go through all their drawers looking for money. If you see a turtle, don't stomp on it. If you need to escape from a bunch of armed dudes, don't leave a nudie mag on the ground and expect them to hunker down and leer at it while you make your escape. Video games teach us all kinds of lessons that would be unwise to carry over to real life - but ‘You'll feel better if you just use X healing item’ might be the most deadly of all.

Seriously, it's a wonder that video game characters are still standing after all the unrefrigerated poultry they consume, , and anomalous drugs they inject into their veins. Can you imagine what would happen if you, a mortal creature of flesh and bone, tried to nourish yourself with these pick-ups? Well, you don't have to - I already did. Click on for some cautionary tales of healing items that would totally, totally kill you in real life.

How it works in the game: Max limps into a bathroom, barely able to stay on his feet after taking a gut full of bullets from a two-bit mobster with an Uzi. He opens a medicine cabinet, grabs a few bottles full of pills, pops one open, and downs its contents in a single gulp. Aside from that scratchy throat feeling you get from taking pills dry, Max's pain is killed.

How it would work for you: You're bleeding from a gunshot wound. Rather than calling 911/999 and awaiting assistance from trained paramedics, you decide to guzzle a bottle of oxycodone you found on top of the refrigerator. The pain fades after a half-hour or so, even though you're still bleeding like a stuck pig - you feel a little cold, but otherwise okay. Maybe you'll take a little nap on the floor until the healing effect kicks in… this was… a great… idea...

How it works in the game: The horde of ghouls is still pounding at the door, but Leon is safe for the moment. He reaches into his pocket and produces a little spray can with a green plus sign on its label. He pulls his hand away from the grievously bleeding wound on his neck, grits his teeth, and presses down on the can's nozzle until the last of its refreshing mist sputters out. He's no doctor, but he would assess his condition as Fine after that.

How it would work for you: Jesus Christ, what was wrong with that hiker? He almost looked like he was sleepwalking, but he was so pale… Anyway, you'd better do something about that bite. Good thing you keep a can of Umbrella-brand first-aid spray in your car. Just give that a good spritz and you'll feel better in no time. There you are… the pain's gone, but God, is it getting hot in here? Now you've got the chills. Better head home.

How it works in the game: Donatello's not looking so tubular. He could wreck a platoon of purple Foot Clan ninjas in his sleep, but the orange ones are just the absolute worst. Not to mention those gnarly raptors that keep trampling around and ruining his day. Luckily, Leonardo saved him a slice of 'za from this box he found by the cliffside in 250,000,000 B.C. A few quick chomps and the turtles are back in fighting shape. Cowabunga!

How it would work for you: You're lost and confused, and your pants are still damp from soiling yourself at the sight of a pterodactyl carrying a robot ninja. Suddenly, a familiar scent wafts into your nostrils - pizza! There it is, an unguarded box of the sacred pie! You're so hungry you don't even care that it's topped with anchovies - you just devour the whole thing. Then you wink out of existence, because that pizza would have fed the rodent-like creature that was the ancestor of all mammals. Whoops.

How it works in the game: Vulcan Raven stalks through the warehouse, scanning left and right for his quarry. There isn't much further for Solid Snake to crawl. Ah! There he is, panting and bleeding! This last volley will end his unnatural existence! But as the high-caliber bullets slam into Snake's body, the surprisingly calm soldier bites down on something and his wounds begin to close. Damn him! He had a ration in his mouth!

How it would work for you: You've accepted that these strange military rations are laced with some kind of healing agent, and that eating them instantly mends your wounds. But after months of miraculous recoveries, your supply is running low and you figure you'd better conserve them. Rather than wasting a morsel of their healing power, you'll wait until you're at the moment of death and then take a replenishing bite… but it turns out you may have overestimated your ability to carefully unwrap and consume foodstuffs while being shot in the face.

How it works in the game: Sabin nearly fell to that accursed toothy squid! Come to think of it, he may have actually died, depending on the philosophical ramifications of using a Phoenix Down on a fallen combatant… For now, there's a damn potion to drink. The taste is almost unbearable - but if he can just chug down the contents of the little blue bottle he'll be back to pumping iron and thrashing villains faster than you can say 'Biggs and Wedge'.

How it would work for you: That traveling salesman promised his 'Vitality Potion' would get rid of your cough if you drank it every night just before bed. And it did! By causing multiple organ failure. When your corpse is exhumed a hundred years later, researchers will find your bones are still infused with enough mercury and lead to kill twenty men. No cough, though.

How it works in the game: Blaze Fielding is a woman of action, and she doesn't have time to get take-out with all these goons around. They need a good face pounding. Fortunately for Blaze and her fellow street-fighting vigilantes, helpful citizens have taken to hiding their spare foodstuffs in garbage cans and newspaper racks all across the city. She smashes a few open, discarding an apple here or there (must have been from some smartass dentist) until she finds a roast chicken and chows down. Good to go!

How it would work for you: You vaguely recall some old wives' tale about discarding cooked poultry if it's left out for more than two hours. Something about salmonella? Bah. That must've been why some joker dropped this beautifully roasted bird in the garbage, plate and all. It's cold and you'll need to wipe off a few cigarette butts, but it's cheaper than Chik-Fil-A! Urp… maybe there's some Pepto Bismol in that trash can, too...

How it works in the game: Sometimes Mario isn't so good-a at the depth-a perception. In this case, he overestimated how much speed he needed for that last jump and ended up soaring clear over the platform, crashing into the floor a hundred meters below. But he's not a-worried, even as he pants-a with exhaustion, because he landed right next to a nice big lake. He dives, holds his breath for a few seconds, and springs back out like-a new man. Mamma mia, that's a good-a baptism metaphor!

How it would work for you: You were on the team back in high school, so swimming with two broken legs and a collapsed lung shouldn't be a problem, right? Just a quick dip and you'll feel right as rain. Can't stand, so you'll have to roll your way over… and in you go! OK! Your legs still really hurt! But swimming without using your legs is hard! So is breathing underwater! This was maybe not such a great idea!

How it works in the game: Well, that fight could've gone better. As per usual, Jack was way too conservative with his plasmids (even though he was full of EVE) and he took a few stray bullets. Luckily for him, that dumb Splicer led him straight to a well-stocked liquor cabinet right before she got torn to bits by a turret. Four bottles of Rapture's finest fortified wine later, and Jack's feeling much better. A little wobbly, with a little less EVE, but much better.

How it would work for you: Ahh, that really hurts. How could you cut yourself this badly just chopping carrots? It's like cooking 101 and carrots are so not worth dying for! No bandages in the house, of course, but you do have a couple boxes of wine you were planning to bring to the dinner party. Maybe if you polish one off you'll feel better. No, just drunk, still hurts. Try another. Ok, stop puking, that's not going to help. Try another. Don't pass out, you lazy…

How it works in the game: This might be it for the Lone Wanderer. Trapped in a vault deep underground with a busted leg and surrounded by super mutants, she's running out of options. Almost as much for old time's sake as out of any real hope for salvation, she pats down a corpse… and feels a familiar syringe in its pocket! In one fluid motion she pulls the stimpak forth and jabs it into her leg, instantly knitting the wound and mending the fracture. Alright - time to see about getting back to the surface.

How it would work for you: You were kinda worried for a few weeks after you injected yourself with that filthy syringe you found lying in a pile of rubbish, but it really did wonders for your aching back. Your fears are just beginning to subside when you get a call from your doctor's office. Her tone is grave as she asks you if you're sitting down. You say yes, and she tells you that you are infected with every bloodborne pathogen known to man and have at most a month to live. Your back still feels great.

That's it for my accounting of gaming's deadliest health items, but video games are jam packed with inadvisable diets and wellness plans. So sit down with a nice cut of garbage chicken and think of your favorites, then come back and share them in the comments below!

For some characters, .

Ah Christmas. A time of heavy drinking, good will to all men, booze, generosity, excessive alcohol consumption, carol singing, and the odd beer or two. Oh yeah, and reflection. That’s an important one. See, it’s at this time of year we look back at our lives, and remember fond memories and failures alike. And, if you’re reading this, chances are your memories might involve video games. Flawless segue complete!

The GamesRadar+ team have been playing games for years. We grew up on them. And we have some wonderful, funny, tragic, uplifting, and very readable gaming memories from Christmas past. So, cosy up, and let us tell you about our favourite seasonal recollections.

"Christmas was always a big deal for my brother and I because it meant we would get a new video game, one that we had asked for. My parents didn’t have a lot of money, so they obviously didn’t want to buy us something we didn’t want, like… Madden. We’d discuss ahead of time and mull it over carefully because it would be a joint gift. I was reading Nintendo Power at the time for research, to make sure we were making the right decision. And I decided on Donkey Kong. After all, this was going to be the only game we would play every day for another 5 months until my birthday."

"It was 1994, and I remember this particular year because my aunt was visiting with her boyfriend and family visits were rare. It was probably the first gaming marathon I could think of, because I remember playing that game non-stop from Christmas day until New Years. My aunt stayed up and would watch us play and her boyfriend would join in from time to time. There was a lot of shouting whenever someone missed a jump, a lot of backseat gaming like, "GET THE BANANA!" or "THE K IS RIGHT THERE!" I also remember NOT getting yelled at by my parents to go to bed because there were guests in the house. Good times."

"To be completely honest, I didn't own a video game console till I was almost 20. My parents would not let me have one. Like the Lambada, it was forbidden. But one Christmas break my brother and I threw caution to the wind and pooled our funds to rent an NES and a few games for the week."

"Our favourite game turned out to be Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers. We played morning, noon, and night... for three days. There was no sleep and we lived off Coca Cola and Chips Ahoy. It was not a pretty sight. We played for so long that on the third evening, the back of the television started to smoke. And by smoke, I mean smoke poured out of the back of the set and it smelled like burning. We never did finish the game. I think we were both terrified the we would start an electrical fire. It became a running joke for us and years later he bought me my very own copy for Christmas."

"Back in 1991 I was desperate to play Sonic The Hedgehog. The game appeared in the UK in June, which gave me six whole months to nag my parents about how much I’d love a Mega Drive for Christmas. I remember the TV adverts featuring a guy playing the original Sonic, and it just looked so much better and faster than anything I’d played before. So, on Christmas day, I was thrilled to find a Sega-shaped parcel under the tree. I opened it: a Mega Drive with Sonic bundle! Hurray! Then I opened the box…

"Owing to some kind of heinous packaging error, I was confronted with a shiny new Mega Drive and… a copy of Altered Beast. Ugh. I tried my best to hide the disappointment, but it burned inside me like a flaming, brandy-soaked Christmas pudding. I even tried to play it that afternoon, but even my 11-year-old self knew it was a 4/10 game. My step-dad, to his considerable credit, took me to finally get my copy of Sonic at 9am on the 27 December (the minute the games shop opened after its Christmas break), and I was blazing through Green Hill zone by lunchtime, thoroughly contented."

”There were many, many Christmas mornings spent with Mario and his pals, but my strongest holiday gaming memory is attached to the Sega Saturn of all things. It was December 1995, and I'd spent the lead up to the holidays playing the crap out of Yoshi's Island, but I knew what the main event would be on the 25th. Sure enough, my younger brother and I opened up a Saturn that morning, with accompanying Virtua Fighter Remix, Virtua Cop, Daytona USA, and (ugh) Bug. Then my parents told us that, for this special occasion, we could play on the bigger TV in the living room, which was usually off-limits for games.”

”Seeing those big, blocky polygons come to life on a 32-inch, standard definition screen truly felt like the arrival of the future of gaming. My brother and I swore the games looked better than they did in the arcades - we were obviously deluding ourselves - and were very impressed at our father's skills with a light gun. From the far off couch, he shot from the hip and was landing the most difficult of shots with ease. My dad once worked for the sheriff's department, so shooting digital men in the hands was pretty easy compared to the real thing. In retrospect, perhaps he only let us set-up the machine in the living room so he could show off.”

“Let me tell you a story about a little game called Star Wars: Galactic Battlegrounds. For some unknown reason - probably because I was a child with poor taste - I was wildly excited for this game. I loved Star Wars, I loved Age of Empires II on PC, and this game seemed to have the best of both. On Christmas morning I awoke to find a copy of Galactic Battlegrounds resting under the tree. I quickly threw the disk into the family computer and installed the game, ready to take the Rebels to task as the mighty Imperial army.”

“Come to find out, Galactic Battlegrounds has a lot in common with Age of Empires II. And by 'a lot' I mean literally everything. In Age of Empires II you have settlers who can collect wood from trees so you can build new structures. In Galactic Battlegrounds you have droids who can collect space wood from space trees so you can build new buildings. Why does Darth Vader need to worry about chopping down space trees? He has the whole freaking Galactic Empire at his command. In the end, while I appreciated my parents making the effort, this Star Wars-flavoured Age of Empires game ended up tasting sour, leaving me a bit wiser - and wearier - regarding future game requests.”

"My dad and brother were watching Lara Croft: Tomb Raider on DVD in the early hours of November 18, 2001. I occasionally glanced at the screen but was more concerned with pacing around, lying on the couch for a few moments before sitting up again, and otherwise personifying the concept of 'anxious fidgeting'. We were already a twelfth of the way into the release day of Nintendo GameCube, and somehow we weren't standing in line at the Target - even though my dad had assured we would go out and grab one as an early Christmas present. Mind that the world was still recovering from 2000's holiday-ruining PS2 shortages, so buying early seemed more important than ever."

"Eventually we made our way to the line, and Target employees started asking people about tickets an hour later. Did we have tickets? Did we need tickets? How many tickets would be distributed? Uncertainty gnawed at my Nintendo fanchild heart. But my father, ever a man of action, didn't wait around to find out - we drove straight to the K-Mart down the street where no distribution system beyond "grab one" was established and in the ensuing chaos snagged everything we needed (including a Memory Card, after some confusion). Then I geeked out over the wicked-cool shadows and drapes in Luigi's Mansion and collapsed of exhaustion a few hours later. Next month, when the holiday proper rolled around? Star Wars: Rogue Squadron 2 Rogue Leader (yeah!) and XG3: Xtreme G-Racing (ok!). Best Christmas ever."

"A few years after the Xbox 360 came out - and before I had one of my own - Christmas was on its way and I told my mom we should get one for my Halo-loving dad. She ignored me for the most part. I tried to convince her once more on Thanksgiving, since I was going to be accompanying a friend of hers to a midnight Black Friday sale at an electronics store (where he would be picking things up for some customers of his). She brushed me off and I got irritated, but let the matter drop. While at the sale, her friend grabbed a 360 and put it in our cart for one of his customers, along with a copy of Final Fantasy 13. I wanted both of those things very badly, and stared at them wistfully until we checked out."

"Christmas comes around, everyone opens their presents and all is joyful. We finish and start cleaning up, when mom tells dad and me to sit down while she runs into the other room. She comes back with two identical boxes, hands us each one, and tells us to open them. Turns out that she had saved up enough to get us each a 360 and tricked me into picking up my own system without me being any the wiser. And while I sat there dumbfounded, she handed me FF13. Never underestimate moms."

"Ah, Christmas, 1992. My parents knew I wanted a Mega Drive and had obviously bought one because they said: "Now, we're not saying you've definitely got a Mega Drive for Christmas, but here are some vouchers for money off Mega Drive games, so if you wanted to buy some that you like, you can". Obviously I did. So I ended up owning the two most used-yet-never-played copies of Sonic 2 and Super Monaco GP 2 in the world. I carefully took the cartridges out of their boxes and marveled at them. I put up one of the Sonic posters they came with (and gave the other to my mum, who duly put it up inside her wardrobe door). I read the instruction booklets over and over again.

"And then, when Christmas Day arrived, it turned out I did indeed have a shiny new Mega Drive. Even though I had carefully considered which game I was going to play first (Sonic 2), the first game I ended up playing was Sonic 1, as it was a pack-in bundle and quickest to get set up. I still remember collecting that first shield in Green Hill. But one freeze frame in particular, for some unknown reason, is still emblazoned into my memory. Every time I jump to collect the rings in the little secret area near the end of Chemical Plant Act 1 (pictured), I am transported back in time to Christmas afternoon, almost 22 years ago. Just for a second."

"First things first, I'm a wee bit younger than the rest of these guys. How much younger, you ask? Well, let's just say that if this were the movie 'Logan's Run', I'd be legally entitled to hunt them down for 'age crimes'. The reason I'm telling you all this is so that you're not unduly shocked by the fact that my first ever console was the Sony PlayStation. *exaggerated faint* No SNESs or SEGA MegaDrives for me, oh no, I was still too busy trying to get over that awkward 'foetus stage'."

"Anyhoo, I was seven, it was Christmas day 1997, and the movie Se7en had just transformed a young Brad Pitt from Hollywood eye candy into proper 'big school' actor. Life was good, and it was only about to get better as I hastily unwrapped my brand new PS1. Everything was in order, all the necessary kit was there, it even came bundled with three (count them, three!) exciting titles: Porsche Challenge (8/10), Crash Bandicoot (9/10) and Adidas Power Soccer 97 (-13/10). I was of course delighted, though it seemed my older sister had some other plans for my machine. Her's was the only television in the upstairs bedrooms, and so I'd need to plug in there to play. Everything had been arranged and was ready to go, when she savagely demanded first dibs on the joypad. I therefore proceeded to spend my first couple of hours as a gamer watching somebody else play my games… Some nights I still wake up screaming."

"It's December 2008, and I'm back home from college for Christmas break. World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King is the latest MMO hotness (or should I say coldness, given its icy theme), and like a relapsing addict, I'm hooked once more. But I've been out of the WoW raiding game for some time - so my cousin and I feel quite lucky to find a random pick-up group for the redone Naxxramas instance on Christmas Eve."

"Before we can face the final boss Kel'Thuzad, we have to down his pet frost dragon Sapphiron. Problem is, our raid group is having the darndest time downing the beastie - and I suddenly realize that my mom's been shouting up the stairs for the past 15 minutes that Christmas Eve dinner is waiting, along with the rest of my family. In that moment, I realize: contrary to WoW etiquette, I don't owe these complete strangers a second more of my time. I jump up from my computer, rush downstairs, and enjoy a delightful meal with my relatives, my mind far removed from visions of epic loot. I learned something important that night: Christmas should be spent with family, not a bunch of people who you only know by their virtual avatars."

So, those are our Christmas gaming memories. What did you think? Hopefully one or two of them raised a smile. If you feel like sharing, why not drop your own festive recollections in the comments below. Excellent.

Want more Xmas features and that? Here's one about .

Ah, love in video games. Remember when it was so cool and giggle-provoking that Final Fantasy 7 let you take whichever lady party member (or Barrett) you favored most on a date to the Golden Saucer? Back then, the idea of building a romance in a video game was mostly limited to creepy adult adventures/untranslated dating sims. Not so any more.

Thanks in large part to BioWare's brave experiments in high-stakes fantasy smooching, the modern game consumer expects a host of dating options in anything that can muster up a dialogue tree. This critical eye for digital matchmaking reveals a disturbing trend: there are so many good player companions that, for whatever reason, you just can't date. In the following slides you'll find some of the most egregious examples of sadly un-romanceable characters, from the fan favorites to the obscure. Fortunately for you, taking this relationship to the next level only requires the push of a button (instead of, like, three buttons spread out over the course of a campaign).

Just imagine how things would have been different if these two former crime partners dealt in affection instead of cocaine. Sure, they have their problems - Tommy Vercetti's a control freak who is more comfortable building a criminal empire than talking about his feelings, and Lance Vance is a self-hating coke addict who guards himself from the outside world (most of whom, admittedly, just laugh about his name) with a paper-thin veneer of narcissism.

But who doesn't have issues? Instead of doing endless quests to expand the influence of Tommy's various businesses, why not make enough money so you can check Lance into rehab? After he's cleaned up, why not take him out to Club Malibu to show him you can have a good time without getting into the stuff? Once Tommy and Lance have found happiness in one another, rather than in money and high-powered firearms, then they can take over the city. They're still heinous criminals, after all, but at least they have each other.

Ok, a disclaimer up front: my Shepard's relationship with Dr. Chakwas was one of my favorite unifying elements of the Mass Effect trilogy, and I don't think I'd change a single thing about it. That said, in another playthrough with another Shepard, would I share more than just a bottle of Serrice ice brandy with her? Definitely. But no dice - the closest the Commander can get to a fling with the wise and witty medicine woman is a cherished friendship. Psssh.

This is a BioWare game. If I can't make out with a character just before the climactic final mission, can I even be certain it exists? They'll let you do it with an extraterrestrial that could die from taking off her helmet, yet Dr. Chakwas is left all alone in her little sick bay night after night? I'm beginning to detect some latent ageism at work here and I am not at all happy about it.

You get Seth Green to do a voice role in your game and then you don't let players date him? That's… ok, that's actually pretty understandable. At first blush, going out with a hollow-boned Scott Evil doesn't sound very appealing - particularly when you could instead be dating a sexy space Australian, or a blue empath with a button nose, or a humanoid reptile dying of a romantic disease. Despite the relatively scant screentime that Joker manages to snag across the Mass Effect trilogy (usually while peering back from the helm of the Normandy), his endless jokes and dauntless loyalty still managed to steal hearts.

I'm just saying, BioWare would have been much better served making Joker romanceable than Kaidan (yuck). Yet the only time it saw fit to acknowledge the potential pairing was a throwaway line of dialogue in the third game, at which point he already has his sights set on EDI's new metallic form. Damn you, Joker! Her robotic arms may hold you tighter, but ours are far less likely to crush your ribcage!

Can the 'master of unlocking' pick her way into Chris Redfield's heart? Can the pointman for S.T.A.R.S. Alpha Team show he's more than a beefcake cop with a burning need to prove himself? I'd like to know, but for whatever reason Capcom left a romance subplot out of the original Resident Evil and the director's cut. Talk about an oversight! What an ideal change of pace it would have been to leave a little love note in a typewriter, or a touching little herb arrangement in a safe room, or to rearrange a bunch of puzzle panels into a heart shape.

That's all I'm really asking for, here - they don't need to convert Resident Evil into a full-scale dating sim. Whatever it is, it can't be worse than spending a decade-and-change denying the pair's chemistry as they go from police partners to the co-founders of the Bioterrorism Security Assessment Alliance. Maybe the relationship doesn't work out after the adrenaline-pumping thrill of escaping the Spencer Estate wears off? That's completely fine - at least they gave it a shot.

Mario and Peach have been doing this whole ‘I rescue you, you bake me a cake, I rescue you, you give me a kiss on the cheek’ thing for almost 30 years. Clearly the kidnapper-rescuer dynamic did something for them at some point, but it's just become rote by now, and he still hasn't put a ring on it. It would be much healthier if they just broke off whatever informal courtship they maintain and see other people.

Peach will have her choice of royal suitors, but who should Mario try to connect with? Someone who doesn't carry around all that royal baggage. Someone who cares about his well-being enough to guide him through tutorial after tutorial. Someone who was happy for him when he and Peach were doing well, even though she cried at the thought of not seeing him. Someone whose bouncy pink braids could be made out of hair or fungus, depending on what Toad Caps actually are. Someone named Toadette.

This must have been one of the many concepts that got left on Irrational Games' cutting room floor, right? I mean, Elizabeth and Booker would just be so perfect together! He's the grizzled veteran who lost his wife in childbirth, she's the smart but naive young woman who is ready to find her place in the big, bright world. Remember when she asked him if there was a woman in his life? And all those coins and ammunition packs she keeps finding? Yeah, she wants the 'D'... as in 'DeWitt'. You're gross.

They complete each other so well, it's hard to believe that BioShock Infinite didn't set the two of them up. If only Irrational devoted fewer resources to endless gunfights and more to romance! Admittedly, I didn't finish the game, so maybe this entry is in error. They have to get together in the end, right? What reason could Booker and Elizabeth possibly have to not hook up?

Ah, Varric, he whose winning smile and flowing chest hair launched a thousand Tumblr posts. The guy has a lot going for him aside from the amber forest that sprouts from his ultra-low-cut shirt, of course. You'd be hard-pressed to find a more charming scoundrel outside of the Millenium Falcon. And despite his thin facade as a conniving spymaster, he can't help but use his underworld connections to protect his fellow adventurers.

In more grounded terms, he's clearly the best-adjusted character in the series, and once he gets too old for the adventuring game he can always retire to run the family business… or write trashy novels full time. If only he hadn't pledged his heart to Bianca - the girl, not the crossbow. Or maybe the crossbow, too? Oh well. Statistically speaking, if Varric keeps showing up in Dragon Age games he'll have to date a protagonist at some point.

You've made it to the finale! Now let me see if you've performed enough favorable actions to get the makeout ending… Hmm, looks like you're still on 'warm handshake' level. Ah well. But before we part ways, make sure to note in a few of your own ideas for companions that should have been romance-able in the comments below.

It's just not fair, considering how these in gaming.

When Eartha Kitt rudely requested Santa come and trim her ‘Christmas tree’ in , she clearly wasn’t picturing the strange assortment of stand-ins below to dive down her ‘chimney’. These weirdos range from a fat megalomaniac to a time-controlling cat to a mournful spider lady. But they share a common trait: they’d all be awesome Father Christmases.

How? Why? Read on and we’ll explain all in our follow up to the feature that looks at ! I say we. It’s actually just me slouched in an office chair writing this without a shred of warmth or humanity visible on my stoney face. Merry, er, something!!

“Oak Oak Oak, Mareep Christmas!” That’s what the legendary Pokémon prof and well-known master of puns would definitely say all the time if he decided to don a beard and become Father Christmas. It wouldn’t even get old. Imagine it, a new Pokémon for every girl and boy on Christmas morning. Transporting them wouldn’t be too hard for Oak - he’d need only grab a few hundred pokéballs and toss them out to bug catchers, campers, youngsters and lasses of Kanto. He could even ride a sleigh pulled by Deerlings and Stantlers. And for the naughty kids? Give ‘em a lump of Torkoal.

Oak would have competition though. See, Santa actually exists in the Pokémon universe, first appearing in the anime episode Holiday Hi-Jynx where he employs an army of Jynx to prepare presents for Christmas.

A big part of the whole Santa Claus experience revolves around knees. More specifically, kids sitting on knees, explaining what they want for Crimbo. And annoyingly, old Kris Kringle only has two of them. Weak. Whatever your thoughts on the man are - and let’s be honest, he’s a divisive character - that’s pretty disappointing. This is why Chaos Witch Quelaag from Dark Souls would be an excellent stand-in because, with a whopping eight legs hosting 16 hairy knees, she would boost knee-sitting frequency in Lordran tenfold. That’s simple science.

Yes, she’s not very child-friendly what with her vicious nature and toplessness, but give your kid an estus flask to chug on and take them away before she starts spewing fire and they’ll be alright. Probably. Her home of Blighttown contains many suitable gifts, including a plank shield, pyromancer robes, and the extra special Tin Banishment Catalyst, as well as bunch of friendly faces to help her deliver them, from giant mosquitoes to bloated leeches to that old festive favourite: the parasitic wall hugger.

Tingle bells indeed. This notorious middle-aged fairy man comes festively dressed as standard, what with his tasteful all-green bodysuit, bulbous belly, and smart red thong. Simply dye his wispish facial hair white and he’ll be the spitting image of Old Saint Nick. Old Tingle's a cartographer, so he already knows where all Hyrulian children live (in a non-creepy way), and he travels by way of ultra-safe and convenient hot air balloon, which allows him to drop rupees into the wallets of fairy boys and girls everywhere. Kooloo-Limpah! That’s what he says.

See, Tingle loves collectibles of all kinds - in Four Swords Adventures it’s Force Gems, and in The Minish Cap it’s Kinstones - so his sack would be positively bursting. His generosity takes on darker implications when you consider that in the DS game Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland it is explained Tingle needs Rupees to live. Does… does Tingle have a death wish?

Einstein famously disproved the existence of Father Christmas when he selfishly declared that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. NOT EVEN SANTA. But hold on a merry minute: did Einstein ever mention a time-controlling cat called Blinx who’s able to alter the so-called immutable laws of the universe. No he most certainly did not!

Star of the 2002 Xbox platformer, and another in 2004 that was even worse, this tuna-crazed temporal tabby is billed as the world’s first 4D action hero (CATction hero? No) thanks to his crazy (CATrazy? No) vacuum cleaner that can slow, stop, reverse and fast-forward the very fabric of time. Hey Einstein, imagine how useful that would be at delivering presents, you know-it-all. Let’s just hope Blinx doesn’t use his powers for evil, like freezing time and stripping everyone naked! Haha, oh Blinx. Never change.

Ok, so Wario is less of a Santa and more of a grinch, shaking down fools for treasure, shrewdly managing a microgame-making company, and in Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coin even tricking poor Mario out of his castle and taking hard drugs in the throne room. But what if the greasy idiot used his powers of greed for good? Why, he’d be able to give children of the world a positively golden shower of unimaginable riches, possibly contributing to the formation of a new 1% and removing the secret elite lizardmen from their seats of power.

Plus he’s got an awesome assortment of fast-ass vehicles, including two cars, a tractor, a plane, and a bike, on which to deliver presents. Obviously he couldn’t ride them all at once, but we’re sure he could recruit his WarioWare mates like Kat, Spitz and Mona and to help out. Also his good buddy Dr. Crygor (half robot) once fixed Wario’s GBA, so it’s extremely likely he’d know how to programme an advanced AI into these vehicles so they could drive themselves. Yeah...

I'm pretty sure celebrating Christmas is banned in the dystopian, whitewashed city of Mirror’s Edge, but then ‘The Man’ tells you not to run fast or scare pigeons or kill people in cold blood with a series of deadly firearms and Faith does it anyway. Because she’s rebelling against the system, yeah? Barring a poor bit of signposting or amateur-grade level design or something, nothing would stop our nimble Nike ninja from delivering you presents speedily, provided they’re not a tiny bit heavy. You’d need to ask for an iTunes gift card or some stamps - something she could fit in a bumbag.

Nope, not low-hanging pipe, steam vent, nor small, jumpable gap would stand in Faith’s way. And let’s not forget her loyal band of runners, just as fast but a touch more forgettable, who’ll no doubt help her with her haul. Careful though, because one or more of them are bound to betray her at some point. That just makes for a better narrative.

Santa’s whole mythology is based on him making snap judgements about people. “Oooh, you’ve been naughty, you’ve been nice.” Dude, you don’t even know me. Who made you the world's moral adjudicator? People don’t get tattoos with ‘only God can judge me (and also Santa)’. It just seems a bit of a dick move to be dealing in absolutes, especially around Christmas. Luckily, that’s Mike Hagger’s whole spiel. And he does it with a lot more class.

From the Final Fight series, this former professional wrestler turned mayor rules over Metro City with an iron fist and a waxed chest and a class moustache. If you’re naughty, like the Mad Gear gang who kidnap Haggar’s daughter and send house prices in the area plummeting, Haggar won’t just shove a lump of coal in your face, but a signature reverse elbow too. And if you’ve been nice? Expect a platter of delicious pavement turkey and possibly a confiscated blade or two. Merry Christmas!

Well, there are my picks for the video game characters who would actually make great Santas. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to decorate my home with festive, parasitic wall-huggers, such is the tradition in my family. If you have comments, and your fingers aren't too full of gifts, leave comments below. On anything, really, I don't mind.

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YouTube is amazing. Take away all the videos about cats sliding into boxes, cats falling off things, and cats (sorry if you were expecting an activity, this one's just cats), and you've got a legitimate historical archive of a cultural phenomenon. I'm talking about video games.

The following slides contain the earliest footage of some absolute classics, often looking very different. It's a bit like looking at celebrities before they were famous, and laughing at their awful dress sense. But then wishing you could at least try their clothes on. Sorry, that analogy got weird fast. What I mean is: you'll likely wish you could play the prototypes. Er... You'll find the videos underneath the text in each slide, so give them a watch. It's fascinating stuff...

Back in 2009, Markus 'Notch' Persson posted this video of a little something he was working on, saying that he would do more 'if he had the time'. Well, good job he didn't decide to take up birdwatching in the interim, because that little bit more work on an intriguing idea has spawned what threatens to be the biggest game of all time.

The demo here doesn't draw in the world very well, only features stone blocks (and stone blocks with grass on) and... well, that's about it. Love it.

New Super Mario Bros became one of the original DS' biggest hits, appearing at or near the top of the all-formats charts for months. At one point, it looked like it might be there FOR EVER. But have you seen this footage of the tech demo version? In it, you can clearly see the massive powered-up version of Mario smashing through blocks and collecting swathes of coins before jumping on tiny Bowser's head. Should have stayed in yer castle, mate.

This tech demo was never released, but it's clearly a work-in-progress version of New Super Mario Bros. Pretty damn awesome, if you ask me.

Well this is a bit special. In the movie Hackers, a young Angelina Jolie plays an arcade version of Wipeout. Yes, Wipeout that helped catapult PSone to 'iconic' status. The game shown in the film is (of course) pre-rendered CG, as realtime 3D of that quality was still a little while off. But it is Wipeout. A very early render of what the gameplay would be like.

This video? Better even than a clip from the movie - this is actually the original render, complete with an announcer offering instructions to the player. It's awesome. And amazing to see that while it was damn ambitious, having to pull the nose up in a valley on the track was a feature that made it into the final game. Wonderful.

Super Mario 64 was clearly going to make a big impression on the gaming world even before it was released. This footage from Gamesmaster (back when it was a TV show, as opposed to an awesome mag), shows an in-development version of the game, complete with different HUD and level layout.

Oh, and Mario sounds like Michael Jackson.

But the earliest footage is probably this round-up video from Spaceworld 1995:

Super Mario 64 gets credited with being the first true-3D platformer, but Tomb Raider was being developed at the same time. This 1995 video is a mega-early, pre-alpha, version of Tomb Raider (one which is likely to have been shown to Eidos executives as a proof-of-concept) and it's amazing to watch.

It's running at less than 50% speed. Lara still has her ponytail (glitching around everywhere, which is likely why it was removed) and is sporting Matrix-style sunglasses. Despite all the strangeness, there's no denying the quality of that hand-animated movement. That's art in motion.

We know that the original . But the earliest glimpses of Sonic the Hedgehog on Genesis/Mega Drive were thought to be the likes of those in Wayne's World. No more! The pilot episode of Nick Arcade was found recently and uploaded to the internet. And lo-and-behold, it's got a mega-early version of Sonic in it. Oh. Em. Gee.

It's familiar enough, until the most '90s kid the world has ever known happens across the wrecking ball from the first boss battle... only it's rolling around the stage. It doesn't hurt when you touch it, instead allowing Sonic to stand on its surface. Sure, the iOS version of Sonic also lets you play with these things, but it was thought that nobody had ever seen the original in-level rolling ball in action outside Sega until this video appeared.

Wanna see John Romero playing a pre-release version of Doom? Course you do! This video was shot in November, 1993, at id's offices. The version of Doom contains plenty of elements not found in the final version of the game, even to the extent that the sound effects are from the SNES version of Wolfenstein 3D as the real ones hadn't been finished yet.

The whole video is a fascinating insight into 1993 gaming culture (just look at them cooing over the Genesis version of Aladdin at the start!), but you can skip to 9:35 to see Doom in action, complete with early Deathmatch action. It's amusing today to hear people reacting to a rocket launcher blast for the first time, but this was bleeding-edge technology in 1993.

BioShock was shown quite a few times before anyone actually got to play it. But the strange thing is that the quality of the final game seems slightly pared down compared to the pre-release versions. Case in point: this gameplay video, narrated by Ken Levine himself.

In it, you'll see some very slick-looking environments, plus different behaviour from the Big Daddy and Little Sisters (including the latter apparently drinking fresh blood to get her fix of Adam). There is also footage of the teleportation plasmid doing the rounds, again looking significantly different to the final game, which you can see .

We all know Shenmue as being one of Dreamcast's brightest stars, but the game was originally intended to be released on Sega Saturn. If you finish Shenmue on Dreamcast, you are treated to this video of the Saturn version in development.

Even though the screen is covered in debugging readouts and the frame-rate is sketchy at best, it's amazing to see scenes from Shenmue 2 already in action on the 32-bit hardware. I personally adore this sort of thing. Makes you wonder what other mind-blowing prototypes exist in the vaults of the big-name devs.

This VHS tape from an early edition of Sega Saturn Magazine is full of early looks at classic games. There's a comprehensive look at the beta version of Sega Rally Championship (complete with rotating background sky) that appeared on the 'Bootleg Demo' that came with early Saturns. But it's Virtua Fighter 2 that's the most exciting.

In this 40% complete port to the Saturn, there are movement demos where two characters are on-screen, showing off their skills but not hitting each other. Then there's an early version of Shun Di going through his demo routine, and Lion Rafale acting out his attract mode moves without an opponent. The characters don't have shadows, victory taunt cameras aren't in... but even at this early stage, it was running beautifully. Oh, by the way, there may be a few seconds of the previous game in this clip. And the next one. Sorry about that.

OK, so perhaps this one isn't as well known as the others, but the game in this ultra-blurry pre-release VHS promo is very different. Look at the first screen of the game in the VHS compared to the final version (inset). The final game and the level design is almost completely different.

There are other games in that tape, most notably Sonic 2's beta, but we've covered that so many times in the past I'm going to give it a rest. Hooray!

I have to admit, I absolutely LOVE looking at old screenshots and videos of games. In fact, if you like this article, maybe we could do a screenshot version too? That would be awesome. Until then, tell everyone which games you wish you could see early stuff from. Or games you have. We can geek out together.

And if you're looking for more, check out .

Elder Scrolls: Oblivion marked the start of a new era of gaming in more ways than one. It brought many into then-new-gen gaming, sold people on the Xbox 360, and notoriously set the bar for insulting DLC. Oblivion’s Horse Armor is a famously poor example of downloadable content, charging players $2.50 / £1.70 for some extra equine protection that did absolutely nothing besides make your four-legged ride glimmer in the sunlight. It quickly becoming a cautionary tale in how not to handle DLC- but that 2006 offense to gamer's wallets seems quaint when compared to some of the downloadable mistakes that followed.

Despite consumer backlash, publishers always seem a little too willing to test the limits of how much they can charge for additional content. And consumers have always been ready to let them know where that limit is. Read on to see some of the most ludicrous ‘enhancements’ gaming has seen in the recent past...

You won’t hear me complaining about Asura’s Wrath’s on-disc content. It’s an entertainingly excessive quest for revenge fueled by one man’s unending rage, all told in a clever episodic structure influenced by anime. It’s a great story, so you think I’d be hyped for more episodes being offered as paid DLC. However, the excitement recedes when you realize you’re paying $7 / £4.69 for the actual ending to the game.

Spoiler warning: The campaign ends with Asura discovering who’s really responsible for all the horrible things that happened to him. At first it seems like setup for a sequel, but Asura’s final battle with his nemesis and any actual sense of closure or resolution are all available for purchase in Episode Pack: Part 4. Perhaps worse than ransoming off the finale is the fact that the main campaign’s hard-to-unlock secret ending acts as nothing more than a preview of said DLC pack. That’s like finishing the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows with a link to a website where you can buy the last two chapters.

Tiger Woods is famous for two things - extramarital affairs and no-nonsense golf. You’ll find a good deal of the latter in his sim-heavy sports games, featuring as many real-world courses as fans can get their hands on. And those fans are fine with working to unlock extras - but not if the game constantly reminds you that you could just pay $5 to get it right now, as is the case with Tiger Woods 13.

Even if you buy the full game, 14 of its courses can’t be touched unless you spend currency, either in-game or real cash. But the hard-earned in-game gold only unlocks one 18-hole round at a time, and if you want to fully unlock said courses it takes an ungodly amount of effort and skill to complete the necessary challenges. Concurrently, as you’re slaving away on the green, the game is quick to remind you that it could all be skipped with a little extra cash. If this seems like EA execs chose to follow the poor example of freemium Facebook and iPhone apps, that’s because, well, .

WWE is sports entertainment, which is PR speak for pro wrestling. That said, the recent WWE games are certainly acting like sports games, with annual releases and cover athlete photoshoots, and they have an unfortunately similar approach to DLC. Beyond the expected season pass, the last two WWE entries include a paid-for bonus called the Accelerator. That may sound like it makes wrestlers move at triple speed, but it’s a bit sidious than that.

WWE games have hundreds of unlockables, including dozens of playable superstars, and you normally get them by completing the single-player mode’s numerous objectives. It can take a long, long time - especially when facing the nigh-unbeatable John Cena - but for $2 / £1.59 you can save yourself all those hours with the Accelerator, which unlocks it all instantaneously. It’s arguably a low price, though it feels a bit more devious than consumer-friendly, especially when “unlock everything” codes were free in older games. The Accelerator is a necessity for gamers with limited time on their hands, working like a tax for anyone that want every possible exhibition match-up immediately.

The Saboteur tries its best to make something fun out of the extremely depressing idea of freeing occupied France during the second World War. Killing Nazis as an Irish racecar driver certainly sounds like a hoot, as does the idea of the leading man hiding out in a Parisian burlesque house. It’s the setting to some risque scenes, along with one of gaming’s most ridiculous concepts: DLC nipples.

See, the ladies of the Belle de Nuit strip club are fittingly underdressed for their profession, but their nipples are usually covered by pasties. If (for some reason) you wanted to go the extra mile and see absolutely everything above the digital waistline, that’ll cost you an extra $3. You have to give EA credit for finding a new avenue to collect a few extra dollars via a player’s libido. The Saboteur’s servers have since been shut off, and the topless DLC has vanished as a result, so count yourself lucky(and a little ashamed) if you were able to get into this exclusive club before then.

BioWare makes massive RPGs and is also known for selling extra story missions of varying spaces and sizes. Dragon Age: Origins was one of BioWare’s earliest games to normalize this DLC practice, which is fine if that story content is optional (looking at you Mass Effect: The Arrival). However, I’d say it gets obnoxious when an NPC villager becomes a walking billboard for additional content.

As you walk around Redcliffe Village, you’ll spot a number of characters with a highlighted objective over their head. Talking to them will further your quest, but one unnamed man starts giving you all the details on a certain quest, then ends with a plea to start the quest by purchasing it with real money. Much like a play would be ruined by an actor stopping mid scene to beg the audience for spare change, this type of DLC destroys the immersion instantly. Would it have been such a crime to simply put that in a menu instead, or was that not aggressive enough for the corporate suits?

This iOS game may seem like a trifle, but it actually represents the current low point in Final Fantasy’s long history. The simple touch interface appears inoffensive, but just beneath the surface are some of the cruelest microtransactions imaginable. Not only are you faced with waiting hours to revive your team or paying Square Enix money to bring them back immediately, but DLC characters are insultingly locked behind a random lottery.

Standard Operating Procedure for DLC: Game X offers to unlock character Y for price Z, which you either pay or don’t. If you’re playing All The Bravest and want to add Final Fantasy 7 star Cloud Strife to the game, you can pay $1 and maybe unlock him as a randomly pulled character from the 35 unlockable possibilities. If you’re particularly unlucky and get every character but Cloud, you’ll spend more than $34 before you can play as the spiky-haired icon. Having to gamble to unlock characters that would’ve been freely unlockable a decade ago is pretty obscene, even by mobile game standards.

Sonic Adventure was celebrated when it hit the West in 1999, only to be widely judged as overrated when an upgraded version came to the GameCube in 2003. Because one re-release simply wasn’t enough, gamers would get a whole new chance to reexamine Sonic’s Dreamcast premiere when Sega ported the game to PS3 and 360 in 2010. Unfortunately, it costs you some extra green to get the complete version of this HD remake.

For about half of the game’s $5 asking price, you can buy Sonic Adventure’s DX Upgrade, which unlocks all the extra missions and modes that were in the GameCube edition. Of course, that DX version update isn’t all that complete, because the GC release came with several unlockable Game Gear games, none of which are included with the DLC. And really, why would Sega give away those games today when they can just sell them in a separate collection?

As an American child growing up the 1980s, television instilled in me a near-endless love for Transformers, be they toys, cartoons, or games (but I draw the line at Michael Bay films). War For Cybertron is a loving throwback to the Transformers of my youth, crafting a surprisingly serious tale of Autobots waging their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons. You could even reskin the robots to look like their classic ‘80s characters, but only if you bought your game from a specific retailer (or waited for an unspecified amount of time).

As I , you had to buy WFC from specific retailers to unlock classic designs of the likes of Jazz and Demolisher, or you paid a crazy price for those codes on sites like eBay. Short of buying the game multiple times at different outlets, there was no other way for die hard fans to play as some of the most beloved Transformers - at least, not at first. Months later, and without warning, Activision made all those skins available in a couple of $5 DLC packs, which must have felt real nice for all the folks that paid $200 for them mere weeks earlier. Maybe next time you can give your biggest fans some advance notice before they spend a small fortune just to play as Shockwave?

Just kidding! But if you recall any DLC that you found unforgivable, tell me all about it in the comments. I promise, there are no hidden fees to do that.

Hungry for more rip offs? Check out .

Christmas is a tricky time of year. In addition to working out how to eat your own body weight in Pringles and little sausages wrapped in bacon (without being sick all over your Grandmother's eyes), you need to work out what game (or games) to play during that magical work-free / school-free / parole period. And there are many, many guides clogging up the internet, telling you what to play. I counted at least 37 of them. Never fear, though, your old friend GamesRadar+ is here. He's drunk, belligerent, and has some advice for you.

Following the success of my feature earlier this year, which got me nominated for no fewer than zero Pulitzer awards, I turned to another trusty member of the Game Of Thrones cast to give his take on 2014's best. After spending roughly a week getting his phone number from Hodor, I contacted Jon Snow to tell me his top picks for what to play this Christmas. The results are enlightening.

Jon Snow says: Sorry, I know nothing about this game.

Hmm, not the reaction I was expecting. Oh well, it's a bit much to ask someone to play every game in 2014.

Jon Snow says: Sorry, don't know anything about this one either.

Oh. Not a COD fan, eh? Look, I get that. I skipped Modern Warfare to put more time into Destiny, so am sure he did the same.

Jon Snow says: Nope, no knowledge of this game either.

Really? I mean everyone has an opinion on Destiny. Where have you been all year, Snow? Beyond the fucking wall?

Jon Snow says: You are going to hate me... I don't know anything about this.

Not ringing any bells, Snow? Our #2 Game of the Year? Big RPG? BioWare? Dragons? Dwarf rufty? NOTHING? Are you trolling me?

Jon Snow says: Um, well, this is awkward. Literally no knowledge of this game.

Christ-on-a-bike, Snow. You're winding me up, yeah?

Jon Snow says: Sorry, not heard of FIFA.

Seriously? Because it's the official game of the biggest sport on the planet. It has been running for decades. Just fake a goddam opinion. No wonder everyone calls you the bastard.

Jon Snow says: Um... I've got nothing.

Yeah, fair play, no-one bought LBP3.

Jon Snow says: This game is really... um... it's kind of. I really like the, er, robots in it... Dragon-robots. Yeah...

You don't know what the hell you're talking about, do you, Snow?

Jon Snow says: I... uh...

Don't even bother.

Jon Snow says: Wait, is that Dragon Age?

Fuck sake.

Well, that was insightful. I'm calling your agent, Jon Snow, and telling them how utterly useless you are. I might as well have been talking to fucking geese. Even Hodor had an opinion on these games, even if it was the same fucking one. You? Yes, you, the one staring at the screen making that 'I'm not amused by your jokes' look. Have an opinion? Good. Leave it below, and show Jon Snow how it's done.

Want more hilarious features that are based on repeating the same joke until it gets funny? I've made a career out of those. Here's . Actually, that's still pretty funny.

The bigger the game, the more people it takes to make it a reality. But when you have hundreds of people toiling away on one project, figuring out who's contributing to what can get a little tricky. Super-specific job titles to the rescue! Why have a team of equally responsible designers when you could have Lead, Project Manager, Assistant, Associate and Assistant Lead variations of every position imaginable? That way, there's absolutely zero confusion as to who is doing exactly what!

But in the quest to make every piece of the puzzle feel unique, some honorary titles can get a bit... convoluted. Ever watched the credits to a game and thought "I wonder what that person actually does?" Me too! To refresh my memory, I scoured through the credits of some of the past year's biggest productions - - and omitted names so as not to single anyone out. But rest assured, all of the following are actual job titles that you can spot in credits and on business cards. Maybe you're also looking for a career working as...

What I'm picturing: "EUREKA!" moments don't just happen on their own - they're orchestrated. When employees arrive at a brilliant new idea for their game, they assume that it was just a spontaneous stroke of genius; a moment of serendipitous brainstorming. Only the Realization Directors know the truth: the inception of that idea was planned years ago, fed to the game designers through subtle cues and subliminal messaging during the course of their daily lives. Truly, the Realization Directors are the puppet masters pulling our cerebral strings from unseen shadows.

The more likely, mundane reality: These people assist the creative director to ensure that the game stays true to the team's vision.

What I'm picturing: After everyone else is finished with their work and leaves the office, this person diligently walks around to each and every computer, closing files, programs, and browser windows while making sure to Save All Changes. Clicking hundreds of "X" buttons day after day isn't glamorous, but it pays the bills.

The more likely, mundane reality: Someone who's brought on to ensure that the game finishes on time.

What I'm picturing: Feeling lazy today? Think your bosses don't have a clue what they're talking about? Well, guess what: the Lead Compliance Specialists have your family, and you don't want to know what they'll do to them if you don't cooperate, now. You think making games is a game? The Lead Compliance Specialists will break you down like cardboard boxes at a recycling center, until you're no longer capable of a generating a single thought that goes against company policy or the brand.

The more likely, mundane reality: The enforcers of rules and corporate policy within the office.

What I'm picturing: When you need three cheetahs, a humpback whale, and a gaggle of geese STAT, you call the folks in the Animals Production department. They don't just render or program them in boring old code, either - they produce them, overseeing an extensive network of breeders and animals in heat to guarantee the most desirable traits. Once the requested animal is born and matures over the course of years, only then is it ready to be motion captured into its virtual form. Magnificent.

The more likely, mundane reality: These people design animals that populate the game.

What I'm picturing: Your ears do not detect airborne vibrations without the permission of the Sound Masters. An ancient sect of immortal wizards, the Sound Masters have spent eons dictating the ebb and flow of noise. If you hear a melodic harmony, it is because the Sound Masters will it so. If you narrowly avoid a car crash because of loud honking, it is because the Sound Masters will it so. If someone puts an air horn directly to your head and blasts you until your ears bleed, it is because the Sound Masters will it so.

The more likely, mundane reality: Audio engineers who determine what noises sound like in the game.

What I'm picturing: Rarer than a unicorn and more elusive than the winged Fae, the Ergonome is a wood-dwelling creature long believed to be naught more than a myth. Diminutive in stature, it skulks about the village at night and uses its bulky, gnomish physique to support the lower backs of townsfolk while they sit down. What feels like sturdy lumbar support to them is actually the work of the Ergonome, which chuckles to itself knowing that it has spared another commoner a life of lower back pain.

The more likely, mundane reality: This is a respectable job title written in French, which I don't speak. Ergo, gnome.

What I'm picturing: You think drawing a straight line is easy? HAH! You couldn't be more wrong. After years upon years of dedicated study and training in a remote mountain facility, the Line Design Director emerges with a prized power: the ability to draw a perfectly straight line, freehand. This kind of supernatural talent fetches a ludicrously high price, whether you're on Wall Street, the black market, or a cubicle in Montreal.

The more likely, mundane reality: A producer who manages day-to-day content strategy.

What I'm picturing: Literally God. I can think of no other entity whose profession expands the far reaches of our seemingly infinite universe, turning that which isn't into that which is.

The more likely, mundane reality: Someone who writes blurbs to fill any gaps in the game's lore or backstory.

What I'm picturing: In the ultimate act of self-sacrifice, this person has transformed their skull into a living piece of radiant artwork. As the Head of Art slowly paces back and forth around the office in respectful silence, employees can't help but notice the striking still-life adorning this particular worker's cranium. They'll be so inspired by this avant-garde display of artistry that they'll hastily return to their graphical work with newfound vigor, the Head of Art simply nodding with serene, monk-like approval.

The more likely, mundane reality: Leads the art team.

What I'm picturing: A sentient gamepad, given life after a horrific accident involving radioactive AA batteries inserted during a thunderstorm. By day, it improves video games, offering developers insight on the subtleties of player comfort. By night, it goes face-to-face-buttons with the forces of evil as The Controller, a potent piece of psychic plastic with the power to bend minds like it twiddles joysticks. But not in that way, you degenerate.

The more likely, mundane reality: This person is in charge of accounting operations across the company.

What I'm picturing: An author the size of a skyscraper, forced to use the world's largest MacBook Air in order to sharpen his craft. He knows that any sudden movements would surely crush the innocent citizens below like ants, so he stands stationary, like a benevolent protector of the skies. For a small fee, you can take an elevator up to his shoulders in the hopes of glimpsing some passages from his next literary work.

The more likely, mundane reality: The person who wrote the dialogue for the Tower, Destiny's main social hub.

What I'm picturing: Sometimes, when your game's servers keep glitching out, disconnecting players and dropping matches like clockwork, there's nothing you can do to fix the problem. And at that point, you might as well just blow up the whole damn thing and start over. This is where the Server TNT Engineers come in - they'll rig up your server mainframe with indisputably illegal amounts of dynamite, blasting powder, and other assorted explosives. From there, it's just a matter of evacuating your employees from the building, pushing down on the plunger with a satisfying ker-PLUNK, and enjoying the fireworks from afar.

The more likely, mundane reality: The go-to tech people for fiddling with TNT networking software.

What I'm picturing: The Matchmaking Engineering Lead has two distinct, but equally useful responsibilities. When they're not carving small sticks of wood which create fire via friction, they're pairing together perfect couples on internet dating sites. Either way, there's going to be some heat.

The more likely, mundane reality: A chief programmer that designates how users will be matched up during multiplayer.

What I'm picturing: A regal knight errant of the Emea clan, this nobleman has been tasked with bolstering the throne's forces as the kingdom prepares for war. Through his wisdom and guidance, militias will be honed into seasoned troops, and entire provinces will swear loyalty to the king's name.

The more likely, mundane reality: Someone who handles marketing in Europe, the Middle East, and Africa. Which is still pretty cool, to be honest.

What I'm picturing: Beer lovers around the world know its name: Das Boot, the footwear-shaped glass that can deliver 92 oz. of your favorite brew directly to your drooling mouth. Such a terrifying, awe-inspiring vessel of alcohol didn't just pop into existence - it was thoroughly assessed by a team of Boot Flow Testers. They were the ones who discovered the secret to downing Das Boot: .

The more likely, mundane reality: These testers ensure that the game starts up as intended.

What I'm picturing: This high-octane sequel to the blockbuster thriller Program Managers will have you at the edge of your seat like a toddler at the grown-ups table. When Jodie and Steven discover that the malevolent computer virus they thought was dead is back on the 'net, it's time to boot up their Uber-laptops for one last job. This time, the code is for keeps in… Program Managers II: Executable!

The more likely, mundane reality: Another team of people who manage programs.

What I'm picturing: A delightfully resourceful chap who knows his way around a multitude of gizmos and gadgets. Whatever will he tinker with next?

The more likely, mundane reality: The highest-ranking member of the RD team at a large corporation.

What I'm picturing: Gladiatorial combat is not for the weak. You must prove your strength as a warrior if you wish to fight for glory - and all pass judgment before the Combatants Testers. They will bend you to the point of breaking, putting your body through rigorous physical exertion and preparing your mind so that you may speak confidently in the presence of the great Caesar. By the time you march out onto the gritty dirt of the arena, thousands of bloodthirsty onlookers fervently chanting your name, you will hate the Combatants Testers for what they put you through - but you will also love them, for they have taught you well.

The more likely, mundane reality: These people test enemy AI.

Hey, maybe I'm just jealous of these fine workers - 'Editor' doesn't have quite the same flair to it as some of these titles. Know of any other convoluted job titles in game credits? Or maybe you know a few deliberately goofy titles, like the Sleep Deprivation Team, Shadows, and Render Wranglers listed in 's credits.

And if you're looking for more goofy features, check out .

Pain and injury are usually so abstract in video games. Most of the time you only care if it lops off a portion of your health bar - and even then, only until you can find a medkit or engage in some self-healing breathing exercises. But some video games seem delight in injury so much that they transcend the beatdowns we've come to expect and willingly, enthusiastically, inflict sympathetic pain in their audience.

These are some of the worst games to leave you squirming in your seat, clutching at your ribs, and wincing in agony at the events transpiring before your eyes. Sometimes they do it to drive home a point, sometimes they do it to make you sympathetic to a character, and sometimes they just do it to make you uncomfortable. You might want to get some aspirin ready before you click on for these gruesome memories.

Animal Crossing making its players wince in agony? I know what you're thinking, but bear with me for a second here. Yes, most of the game is chill and cheerful, with nary a concern in players' minds aside from when to sell turnips or how to make enough bells to pay off the mortgage. C'mon, is anything more zen than going from one tree to the next, lightly shaking it, and waiting to see what will drop from its branches? Yes. Many things are. Because some of the trees drop hives full of bees.

These bees aren't the kind of animal that will write you letters or ask you to bring them a peach. They're the kind of animal that chases you with kamikaze zeal until you dart into a neighbor's house and barricade the door or, more likely, the swarm catches up. When they envelop you, the awful KRSSSZZTTT sound that they make as they sting you right on the eyeball will echo in your mind forever. And the huge welt they leave where your eye used to be will stick around for the rest of the day or until you apply some medicine... assuming that bastard Nook even has any in stock.

It's kind of cool to be able to point at one of a character's most recognizable attributes and say, "Oh hey, I was there when he got that!" It really makes you feel connected, and it's the kind of thing you come to appreciate in time. But when you first experience stuff like, say, Big Boss being tortured and then having his eye shot out in Metal Gear Solid 3, it's a little harder to stomach.

You may be wondering about the absence of a on this week's 'Top 7', but I had to give it to Big Boss, not least because the torture scene encompassing the incident goes on for nine minutes. Nine minutes of electrocution, bludgeoning, and near-eye-extraction topped off with the little misfire that plants a patch on the face of Big Boss and, in the grand scheme of things, on the faces of his progeny. It doesn't hurt that voice actor David Hayter really made an art of pained grunting in this performance.

Lots of painful things can happen to Amanda Ripley throughout the course of Alien Isolation. But I'm not talking about the deep-seated abandonment issues that stem from her mother leaving her at the daycare center and disappearing into space. I mean the terrible ways that she can meet her end from Sevastopol station's many threats. Among many other candidates, she can be shot to death by panicked survivors, have her neck snapped by unfriendly androids, or, y'know, that alien could show up.

The monster has so many ways of snuffing out poor Ripley's life, but the most painful is probably (and yes, this is a tough choice) the good old tail-through-the-guts maneuver. What makes it so bad? I have to give it to the brief pause before she looks down and sees the spear-like appendage quivering in her newly remodeled torso. You spend a moment thinking, "Wait, why did I stop running?" and then, "Oh, hello, that's my diaphragm". It's the anticipation that gets me.

Ok, fair enough, inflicting gratuitous injury is kind of Mortal Kombat's thing. I understand that. But there's a big difference between a pixelated fatality animation and the gratuitous cinema experience that are the X-ray moves, not least because almost every fight is interrupted for several seconds to dwell on them. That's not unusual for fighting games, but at least in Street Fighter it's just Ryu hollering as beams shoot out of his hands. He doesn't pause the game to show you some Un Chien Andalou-grade bullshit.

I can't be the only one who feels uncomfortably aware of their own bones after playing a match of Mortal Kombat. The way it zooms in deep to show the skeleton before and after it's shattered in multiple places, turning on the super-slo-mo so you can see bits splinter off and lodge deep inside the body… it makes me ache all over. Drink your milk, kids, or this could be you the next time in you're in a scuffle.

Do you ever put a few shots into a particularly nasty boss when you finally manage to kill it? There's no gameplay reason to do so - it's just as dead before as it is after - but it feels good to celebrate your victory with some macho depravity. Macho depravity is pretty much God of War's schtick, but the final battle of the final chapter takes the beefcake by letting you pound Zeus' face into a lumpy blob of minced meat for however long you want.

You might have noticed that this is the only example in which the player character is dishing out the pain instead of receiving it. But this article isn't about characters wincing - it's about players. And if you have even a shred of sympathy for Zeus after all the crap he's put you through, you'll feel every one of those punches… even after his blood obscures your vision and you have to go by the crunching sounds. That didn't stop me from keeping it up for a good minute or two, of course.

There's only one reason the otherwise-forgettable Quake 4 keeps . What else could it be but that damn Stroggification scene, in which id's contribution to the body horror genre is delivered with all the subtlety of a buzzsaw? The absolute worst part, though, is that you get to watch the assembly line of suffering have its way with the guy in front of you before you experience the agony in first person.

Take special note that, at multiple points in this scene, your vision blacks out and Quake 4 permits you to think that it's just gonna cut to the next scene. NOPE. Your eyes open again (I guess all those Strogg nanites keep you from going into shock and passing out from blood loss) and it's off from the leg-cutter, into the torso bolter! And when you're rescued just before the brainwashing begins, your fellow soldiers spend a whole 30 seconds on genuine concern. Then they run off and expect you to follow on the robo legs that were just attached to your bloody stumps moments ago. Screw you guys.

Oh, God. Just try watching Metal Gear Solid 4's microwave corridor scene without feeling some... phantom pain. And then remember how unexpectedly involving it is to have to pound the triangle button throughout the whole thing. Hideo Kojima loves an over-long camera shot, but every second of this scene drives home the theme of self-sacrifice like another nail hammered through your hand - not a single second is wasted, much as we all hate Kojima for dwelling on our hero's unimaginable suffering.

Snake's already limping and grunting when he enters the microwave-trapped chamber, his prematurely aged body having been battered and burned throughout the course of the game. Once he's in, his high-tech octocamo suit starts smoking within seconds. Its panels turn red-hot and burst as he drops to his knees, then to his belly, and crawls. The health meter chirps its familiar little 'Uh-oh' sound as the door opens, revealing another corridor full of lethal radiation. By the time you reach safety, your thumb is so sore from button mashing that, silly as it sounds, you feel unified with Snake in his struggle. Then you both can have a good puke.

Wondering why I didn't put any groin shots in there? Well, 1) they probably don't hurt as much to watch if you don't have testicles so, statistically speaking, the pain averages drop off, and 2) we already . But what do you think? Any other truly agonizing games you think deserved a place in the Top 7? Let me know in the comments!

Want more Top 7s? Check out the .