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A purely scientific study in unclothed gaming guys

Added: 13.03.2015 18:00 | 26 views | 0 comments

There’s a lot said about gaming’s depiction of women, and with good reason. For all the talk of sex positivity and the empowerment of sexuality, there’s a long history of objectified digital ladies. And I’m sure that regrettable lineage of underdressed women has you thinking the same thing as me: Where are all the nearly nude men in gaming?

Purely in the interest of equality, I went searching all over the internet for sexy, scantily clad gaming dudes. After sifting through A LOT of scandalous fan art, I finally found a handful of hunks that reach for similar heights of fanservice as women like Bayonetta. Just to clarify, these are dudes who not only wear very little, but actually appear intentionally provocative, as opposed to power-fantasy musclebound brutes like Kratos. Without further ado, here are the most shockingly underdressed men in gaming...

The Dead or Alive games are (in)famous for one thing, and it isn’t balanced gameplay. The series has been cashing in on the appeal of its buxom female cast for years, and the majority of Dead or Alive 5’s DLC is made up of a near endless number of sexy costumes. For the most part, the guys of DOA5 are left with jokey downloadable attire like Santa Claus and his reindeer, but this alternate look of Ein’s doesn’t seem intended for laughter.

Now, the incubus his costume refers to is basically the lady-tempting equivalent of a succubus, not the awful rock band. That said, it doesn’t seem all that satanic to me. All the leather, red nail polish, and novelty horns look more like he bought a ‘Sexy Devil’ outfit for Halloween. Ein’s Incubus look is still a far cry from the flowers and string the ladies are bedecked in for DLC, but it’s still nice to see that some of the DOA guys can strut their stuff.

I wouldn’t describe any of the Castlevania characters as sexy during the 8-bit era, but things took a turn on PlayStation. Not only did games like Symphony of the Night take clear inspiration from Metroid titles, but everybody got a whole lot prettier. Nowhere is that shift in design more obvious than with Simon Belmont. By the time he appeared in Castlevania Judgement, he had taken his whole ‘whip wielding’ motif much farther than anyone expected.

Much like Ein’s Incubus attire, Simon’s Judgment apparel is a lot of belts and leather wrapped around an exposed torso. Credit for the design goes to concept artist Ayami Kojima. She worked on most Castlevania titles from Symphony onward, and Kojima clearly has skill with crafting attractive men, though most weren’t as kinky as Belmont in Judgement. His short pants and tattooed midriff are definitely a change from the heavy armor of the original NES box art. You have to think Dracula would even be a little uncomfortable if Simon showed up wearing that.

Street Fighter has its share of underdressed guys, from the handsome psychopath Vega to the bearish wrestler Zangief, but they can’t really compare to this duo from Street Fighter 3. Brothers Gil and Urien are both leader’s of a dangerous cult, with Gil making himself the messianic figure as Urien tries to usurp control. Both have the power of Greek gods, and the bodies to match, as you can no doubt see. Seriously, how can Ryu keep a straight face when battling either of those guys?

The two are wearing virtually nothing, not even shoes, though what’s a little foot pain to a god? If anything, their sole garment - one small posing pouch apiece - have the effect of emphasising their nakedness. Street Fighter 4’s big bad, Seth, is fully nude, but is as smooth as an action figure below the waist, effectively removing sexual connotations. Less so with Gil and Urien’s body wrappings, which effectively works as both sacred and scandalous garb. It’d be sexy if the two weren’t so into kidnapping and world conquering.

Goichi ‘Suda51’ Suda and his team at Grasshopper create strange games, perpetually the result of their creator's lifelong obsession with punk rock, pro wrestling, and horror films. Even his lesser works, like Killer Is Dead, still offer a more distinct world than you’ll find in many other games. I mean, how many other action titles feature an arch enemy who exclusively wears gold chains and lives in a palace on the moon?

David is the big bad of Killer Is Dead, a self-styled lunar king, bedecked in naught but the gilded dental floss and thong befitting of that status. It shows you how nuts the whole game is that David can dress this way without anyone commenting on it. Killer is Dead garnered some controversy for its raunchy dating minigames, but David’s garb somehow missed the headlines. Ironically, said minigame makes players work to see the dates in their underwear, while David is dressed down from the outset. That’s very charitable to players, no?

These days Raiden is fully accepted as one of gaming’s elite stars, but fan reaction wasn’t so charitable when he first appeared. Most players were apoplectic that he replaces fan-favorite Solid Snake - up til then the lone protagonist of the Metal Gear Series - so early in the game. Konami only made it worse by not revealing that was the case ahead of release. Unlike the grizzled Snake, Raiden is a pretty boy who’s much more sexualized than his predecessor. I mean, Snake didn’t have to stand around with just a straw obscuring his penis, did he?

Raiden’s stripped down torture scene, followed by his nude escape, rapidly became one of the most talked about scenes in gaming. And I get why: it’s easy to admire Raiden’s acrobatic skills as he does cartwheel kicks while covering himself with his hands, though I think some fans weren’t ready for the character to be so exposed. Most western fans weren’t prepared for such nakedness. This might explain why Raiden became much more popular when he exchanged his snow-white body for a gunmetal grey cyborg death machine…

Devil May Cry star Dante has always looked more like a ‘80s glam metal singer than a paranormal investigator. Seriously, just about any of his outfits would fit on the cover to a Poison album, but Dante’s standard garb in Devil May Cry 3 takes it to a whole new level. He keeps his signature red leather duster, and this time he’s going shirtless underneath, save for the strap right across his chest.

Just like with Capcom stablemates Gil and Urien, the leather line situated on Dante’s upper torso makes his shirtlessness more pronounced. The coat’s accessory draws the eye much more than an unobstructed view would. Of course, if you prefer to see Dante go fully topless, DMC3 offers that as an alternate costume, though you have to finish the game first before you unlock your just desserts - and that’s no simple task even on the Easy setting.

If you’re ever thinking of digging up Final Fantasy 7, please do me the favor of playing Vagrant Story first. That game’s been underrated from day one, and with apologies to writers of Cloud/Sephiroth fan fiction, Vagrant Story has sexier guys as well. Unfortunately, thanks to the limitations of technology, their outfits could only really be appreciated when you look at the concept art.

When you see the muddy textures and jagged polygons of the PSone game, it might not be immediately obvious lead character Ashley is wearing bottomless chaps, but the official art confirms it. Meanwhile, his rival Sydney is channeling David Bowie with an emaciated look and low-hanging pants that must require magic to keep from staying on. This game needs an HD remake so people can truly appreciate those designs! And also, you know, to play it or whatever.

So those are the most ludicrously underdressed gaming guys I could find, but I’m always looking for more examples (purely for research). If I missed any unclothed examples, tell me all about them in the comments!

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