Ah, Dragon Age. You came and conquered, with your dragon slaying, templar defiling, open-world, giant nug-riding immensity. So why, after 100 hours of my lazing-on-the-sofa-doing-nothing devotion, ending my journey in the deadly peaks of Emprise du Lion with ruins to spare, do I feel a little less than loved? Don’t panic, I still worship you, but that’s not going to stop me from dissecting you. Sorry!

Because, in spite of our admiration for Varric’s chest hair and Iron Bull’s mighty breasts, in the end, BioWare could still do something to improve you. Or eight somethings, actually. So here are the improvements I dare to suggest, nestled within the heart of Dragon Age: Inquisition’s crucial RPG components. Beware, mild spoilers ahead!

Upon first seeing the colossal Skyhold, the Sims-obsessed part of me trembled with glee. My very own castle. A dungeon! Even a wine cellar! Mine … all mine! The possibilities of personalisation seemed endless.

Endlessly functionless, that is. Most of Skyhold’s customisable faucets are void of purpose, aside from being a visual feast. The biggest nuisance is the lack of an inventory chest in the unnecessarily enormous, private quarters, rendering repeated visits to sell unwanted loot a continuous annoyance. Such simple, functioning aspects would be a welcome addition to our personalised castles; taking post dragon slaying naps in my inquisitor-sized bed for example. That’d be just lovely.

Undeniably, BioWare delivers fantastic, non-human companions, with Iron Bull’s irresistible voice, Solas’ unhealthy relationship with demons, Varric’s wit and… we won’t talk about Sera. So, Dragon Age: Inquisition isn’t just about humans, right?

Wrong. In conversation and lore, BioWare tells us about the turbulent political status of the dwarfs, elves and the qunari. The key word being ‘tells’, given that, besides the companions, rarely do we interact with other races. There’s a pathetically small Dalish camp, some token ancient elves and rebel dwarfs, but that’s it. It leaves a huge qunari-less hole in the game. So, perhaps in future DLC, BioWare could integrate volvement with the other races, because humans are, well, really boring.

Especially prevalent in the second half of the game, the strong bond between Inquisitor and companion seems to become slack. If, like me, you develop a relationship with your companions early (they’re just so damn lovable), conversation options dry out quickly. It’s not quite as bad as listening to Garrus’ obsession with finishing his calibrations, but it’s getting there.

Consequently, it’d be great to see some additional loyalty quests, to bolster character development and to strengthen relationships between us and our favourite companions. While I revel in making imperative decisions for my friends, the aftermath of stale chit-chat leaves me feeling a little cheated.

Everyone loves dogs, with their floppy ears, wet noses and unshaken loyalty. Unless you don’t… then maybe you should move to the next slide. Nonetheless, considering BioWare provides your inquisitor with a castle and boyfriend/girlfriend/godfriend, it seems rather cruel that man’s best buddy doesn’t make an appearance.

A mabari war-hound would be a valuable companion on the battlefield. Instead of the search feature, we could make use of a Fable-esque mabari nose-radar, on top of an extra pair of teeth in battle. The beloved mabari companion was a hit in Dragon Age: Origins, so why isn’t it here?

BioWare delivers an engrossing story, with edge-of-your-seat twists married with badass inquisitor moments. However, for all the completionists out there, main quests are too few and far between, in consideration of the vastness of Inquisition’s thirteen areas.

Truthfully, there are only so many fade rifts, fetch quests and who-put-what-invaluable-treasure-where mysteries a player can do before the pace simply loses momentum. Dragon Age: Inquisition could certainly learn a thing or two from games like Divinty: Original Sin or Skyrim when it comes to a much needed injection of engrossing fillers, preventing our minds evaporating through repetition.

The sheer thrill of executing a final blow at the end of difficult battles in Dragon Age: Origins is unforgettable. Especially after being bludgeoned way too many times by an extraordinary foe like Flemmeth, swinging around the beast’s head and performing a finishing mid-air strike, Final Fantasy style, makes me cackle with vicious pleasure.

So, why isn’t this mechanic included in Dragon Age: Inquisition? Without this final gratification for our gruesome efforts, the aftermath of epics battles falls a little flat. We could say that removing cinematic kills endorses a sense of realism, but we’re talking about dragons and giant nugs here. Besides, who doesn’t need more slow-mo action shots in their lives?

Shards. Shards everywhere. I hate shards. But using them to open the Temple of Solasaan proffers just rewards, so as much as I hate to say it; they’re worth searching for. This mind-bogglingly boring quest is easy; find the Ocularum, spy the shards, go fetch.

But we are deceived! See that reachable shard peaking at you on the hill? It’s not reachable. Instead, you have to jump, scramble, and fall to find a passable route to the golden ticket (50% of the time anyway). Please BioWare, if you’re going persecute us like this, at least incorporate fun ways to interact with the environment. Far Cry 4 and Divinity: Original Sin put you to shame in this respect.

If you explore every area before completing Dragon Age: Inquisition’s finale, you may find yourself finishing the ultimate stages of the controller-gripping story arc more rapidly than you’d hoped, as a consequence of your over-powered party. But you’re not to blame!

The desolate Hissing Wastes and red lyrium-infested Emprise Du Lion have a plethora of extra side quests and striking landscapes to discover at higher levels. Sadly, we’re punished for that extra gameplay, since Doom Upon All the World is recommended for levels 16-19, rendering our death match with Corpyheus, after extra adventures, easy. Raised difficulty levels would be advantageous here, or dare I say, adding an extra main quest?

So that's my current list of things that could quickly improve Dragon Age's latest and greatest. But how about you? Any particular tweaks you'd like, or do you think it's already perfect as-is? Let me know in the comments.

And before you go, why not check out some of our related features? Our .

As video games grow more sophisticated, so too do the stories they try to tell. Movies and books tell stories of the wide range of human emotion and interactions, and those moments are bound to include sexual intimacy - so why can't games get in on this action, too? There's just one problem: the uncanny valley is a real creepy place, and we've been stuck there for going on a decade now.

Video games are better at making some things look convincing than others - like cars. Cars have looked great for years. People having sex? Still looks like two Barbie dolls having their faces mashed together. Plus, it doesn't help that many game designers treat intercourse with all the subtlety and grace of a 12-year-old who just discovered his dad's hidden stash of Playboys. When you combine the two, you get this list of the most cringeworthy sex scenes in video games. Hope you have a vomit bucket handy.

This article is totally NSFW. Though you probably guessed that when you saw the word 'sex' in the headline.

Despite being filled with all sorts of grotesque humor and wanton violence and destruction, the Grand Theft Auto series has shied away from displaying graphic acts of sex (up until GTA 5's first-person mode put it all right in your face) - mostly because Americans are weird like that. Hidden away in the darkest corners of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas' code lies the fabled 'Hot Coffee' mini-game, and it's only available if you actively seek it out by modifying the game. Which… is probably for the best.

Once the right switches are flipped, successfully going on dates (which were a normal part of the San Andreas experience) will eventually lead to a moment where your girlfriend casually invites you inside for a hot cuppa joe. This is code for sex - horribly rigid, polygonal sex. As you bump and grind against your significant other, you have to move the analog stick in proper rhythm to keep your 'excitement' meter high enough. Though it's surprisingly tame in comparison to some of the others on this list (everyone remains fully clothed for the duration), it's CJ's mouth-agape expression that makes this scene the stuff of nightmares.

As someone who thinks that 'cinematic' means a heavy dose of melodrama and some thin excuse to show two bodies rubbing against each other in the night, David Cage is gonna be on this list a few times. And Fahrenheit (or Indigo Prophecy, as it was called in North America) features not one, but two cringe-worthy sex scenes. The first involves Lucas getting back with his ex-girlfriend Tiffany - complete with an interactive serenade foreplay sequence and some shitty Nickelback wannabe playing mid-coitous. Awkward, but not even close to the worst scene in the game.

No, that honor goes to the scene near the end, shortly after Lucas dies and gets resurrected. He finally meets up with Carla (the detective who's been tracking his every move) and they go from 'Hey, how ya doin'?' to banging out in an abandoned train car within a few minutes. There's no character development here at all and, oh yeah, CARLA IS HAVING SEX WITH THE UNDEAD. The fact that both characters look like animatronic puppets is actually the least disturbing thing about this whole set-up.

David Cage joint #2 checking in, showing just how tenuous a connection between two people can be before they make sweet, passionate, digital love. Ethan Mars has lost one son to a car accident already, the other's been kidnapped by the Origami Killer, and he's beginning to worry that he might be the culprit, like a doughy Tyler Durden. He's physically falling apart at the seams after going through several Saw-style trials, and is acting like a complete psychopath. But sure, let's have a sex scene because EMOTIONS.

Oh, let's not forget the shit reporter Madison Paige has had to deal with as well, considering the home-invasion-wait-it-was-all-a-dream and forced stripping she's had to do to get to this point. Both Ethan and Madison are in no psychological condition to be doing anything remotely romantic (nevermind the fact that they've basically just met), and yet, after a couple of choice dialog prompts, they're both making awkward 'O'-faces and hovering their virtual body parts over one another.

No David Cage sexcapade is complete without mentioning Beyond: Two Souls. While not nearly as graphic as the other two games (no one gets fully naked here), the premise behind the scene is is just as cringeworthy, as you're essentially a disembodied voyeur during the whole thing.

In Beyond: Two Souls, you don't just play as Jodie Holmes; you also play as a ghost named Aiden (pronounced AYE-den - yeah, I know), who is attached to Jodie via some paranormal umbilical cord. During her date with the totally unremarkable Ryan Clayton, you can either use your spooooooooky powers to mess with her dinner (move plates, throw wine glasses, and other typical poltergeisty stuff). Or you can, y'know… just sit back and watch the sexy times unfold. And by 'sexy times', I mean 'look on as Ellen Page and Eric Winters dolls move their faces together until their lips touch'. Also, if you know the plot twist regarding Aiden's relationship to Jodie, that scene just got waaaaaaaay more awkward. Hey, at least she went on an actual date this time.

BioWare games are usually fantastic adventures. But sometimes, it feels like their romance subplots were bolted in because the development team collectively realized "Well, we're making a BioWare game, so you should be able to fuck somebody, right?" Dragon Age: Origins' sex scenes feel especially tacked on, mainly because there are two different sequences in total: one if you're playing as a man, the other if you're playing as a woman. The game basically just pastes in the party member you're currently boning.

OK, sure, you want to save on time, and only creating two sets of animations helps. I get that. But they're not even that well done. Sure, the tasteful fades are nice, but each time the screen comes back in, you and your partner are in a completely different position, like they're flipping through the Kama Sutra and working their way down the list a half-second at a time. And that over-blown fantasy music swelling in the background just makes it all feel even more awkward. Throw in some stilted animations and dead eyes and you'll have none of the arousal but all of the shame when a family member/significant other walks in on it.

Suda 51 is nothing if not unpredictable. Whether he has you playing as a sexually frustrated otaku with a lightsaber, or running around making dick jokes with a talking gun named Johnson, you can be sure that whatever game he's heading up will be totally bonkers. But nothing prepared me for Gigolo mode in Killer is Dead.

In this mode, you're tasked with chatting up ladies at a bar, and ogling every inch of their bodies when they turn away. Oh, and you've also got x-ray glasses that let you see through their clothes (but not their underwear - we're keeping it classy, here). Once you've peeked long enough, you can make your move, your ultimate reward being the strangest softcore sex ever offered in a video game - complete with schmaltzy saxophone music. You're even granted an Achievement that says you've made each girl your 'prisoner in body and soul'. Yikes.

No list of awkward sex scenes would be complete without God of War making an appearance. There's nothing quite like mashing a couple buttons and wiggling some analog sticks to really simulate the joy of making an intimate connection with another human being - especially when the actual act of sex is relegated to some terrible off-screen moaning and watching a precariously placed vase get knocked around a bit.

What makes God of War so cringeworthy is that each sequel feels like it has to up the ridiculousness ante. The first game's scene felt like a silly joke that we all quickly moved on from. The second established it as a running gag (this time featuring a peeing statue whose stream grows stronger by the scene's, erm, climax). By the third game, you're practically watching a full-blown porn cartoon, as two handmaidens (who look eerily like real dolls) grope each other while they watch Kratos give Aphrodite the ride of her life. This is why no one takes video games seriously (part 34,538).

Far Cry 3 started out with such promise. Sure, the story is super dumb, with you controlling a douchey club kid's descent into the heart of darkness. But it has some moments, mostly thanks to Vaas, who's an awesome villain - until they ditch him about halfway into the game. And it's only downhill from there.

At the end of the game, you're given a choice - do you rescue your friends and leave the island, or do you kill them all and embrace your warrior instincts? If you choose the 'kill' option, you not only get to see your friends' grisly demise at your own hands, you're immediately 'rewarded' with some POV humping between you and warrior queen Citra. Then, she stabs you in the stomach, leaves you for dead, and presumably goes off to raise a little baby Skrillex fan of her own. Congratulations! You've won…? Seriously, why would you pick this option?

I hope that games are someday able to express the wide range of human expression, including that most intimate act two people can possibly share, without making players physically ill. Today is not that day. If you need me, I'll just be giving my eyes a good bleach-washing and clearing my browser history. Let's never speak of this again.

Looking for more? Check out .