You know how you sometimes get asked that question – often during a conversational lull during an already boring dinner party - “Who would you like to meet, and why?” You might even have already heard it in relation to video game characters. It would be cool to meet Mario for real, right? Cheery chap. Cool moustache. Good times. And how cool would it be to get some real, first-person insight into the life of one of the most successful video game characters of all time?

Wrong. You definitely don’t want to meet Mario, or most of your other gaming heroes for that matter. Have a scroll through this article and I’ll explain what’s wrong with all of them. You can still admire them of course, but please, do so from afar.

Mario has been running and jumping on literally everything in sight for decades now. That is some aggressive hyperactivity he has going on there, and he’s not going to stop just because you’re a fan. Just trying to hold a conversation amid his spontaneous sprints, leaps and “Wahoo!”s would leave you exhausted within half an hour. Also, do you really want to hang around a guy who spends all day getting high on mushrooms? Get a job, Mario. He might be dressed like a plumber, but have you ever actually seen him fix any of those pipes?

If you do end up meeting him, despite my warnings, please make sure you keep your wallet hidden, or he’ll pilfer all of your spare change. Maybe just pay for things on your card to be on the safe side. You might be okay with notes. Unless of course, you meet Paper Mario. Get it? Like paper money?

Yeah? Moving on...

Actually, I should apologise to Mario, because he’s not the worst for stealing your valuables. At least if he nicks some of your money, he can’t run away that fast. It’s a whole different story if Sonic the Hedgehog gets a hold of your trinkets. And he’s in it for much bigger pickings. Jewellery and precious stones at the very least.

If you do somehow manage to catch up with him, a single punch will see him drop some of the swag. But he’s still a hedgehog, and with all those spikes, you hit him at your own risk. Is it really worth it? Also, he’s blue. Hedgehogs aren’t supposed to be blue. There’s something seriously, evolutionarily wrong with that creature. Stay away. Just stay away.

“Hey.”
“...”
“How’s it going?”
“...”
“Nice weather we’re having.
“...”

That will be your entire conversation with Gordon Freeman. Enjoy. And have fun trying to talk him down once he starts trying to open doors with a crowbar.

Next!

You know what these angsty, image conscious adolescents are like. You try to engage them in conversation, and all they want to do is talk about how big their sword is. You just know there’s a Tinder profile out there somewhere where he’s posing with the Buster Sword – beneath a towering mass of pristinely preened hair that he’s just desperate for you to notice - but his description has a quote that’s something tritely positive, like “Always believe in the power of friends“. Total, surface-level, internet poser.

He’d never find the time to meet you anyway. When he’s not messing around with Aerith or hanging out with his other friends, he’s usually off fighting evil and saving the world. Probably just for attention though. Give it a rest, would ya, Cloud? No-one needs to see another Junon reactor selfie.

“I’ve never been interested in anyone else’s life. Other people just complicate my life. I don’t like to get involved.”

Oh, okay then Snake, I’ll just leave you alone then, shall I? Yeah, he’s pretty much a sociopath, this guy. And on top of that, he’s a well trained, highly skilled killer. That’s not the friendliest combo. Steer clear unless you want a gun pointed at your… parts… and a grizzled man trying to take your rations. But wait, what’s this?

“I think at any time, any place… people can fall in love with each other.” Kinda sending out mixed signals there, Snake. Maybe add 'monstrously irrational mood-swings' to the list of reasons you probably don’t want to meet him.

Come on, I don’t have actually have to explain this one to you do I? If you want to meet an arrogant, aggressive, wise-cracking, politically incorrect idiot who solves all his problems using a combination of brute force, explosions, and machismo, then dig up Russell Crowe’s address on a Hollywood star map. Also, don’t you hate it when people wear their sunglasses all the time, even indoors?

If you do end up meeting him, just don’t ask him to do any of his famous quotes. He’ll hate that. Just ask any celebrity who, decades later, still has that once-cool-and-hilarious catchphrase shackled around their neck. In fact he’ll probably respond by killing you with brute force and explosions. And then he’ll do one of his famous quotes anyway, because that’s all he has left, damn it. But you won’t hear it. ‘Cos you’ll be dead.

While Mario is getting high on mushrooms all day, Pac-Man is popping pills. Then he gets a bit peckish and eats some fruit. Then he goes and attacks ghosts. This is another guy you don’t want to meet, at least not until he goes to rehab.

It’s unclear if the ‘waka waka waka waka’ sound is due to Pac-Man’s substance abuse or just a crippling speech impediment. If the former, you might be able to get a decent conversation out of him after he gets clean. If not then that’s all you’re gonna get, and don’t think you’ll even get a word in. It’s endless. He can’t even move without wakking. If you want to emulate the experience without having to leave the comfort of your own home, save yourself the trouble of actually hanging out with him by just putting your finger in your ear and scratching, quickly and rhythmically. Go on, try it. It totally works.

Now, Commander Shepard is just an extension of whoever’s playing him or her, and who in their right mind would want to meet you? No, I’m only kidding, I’m sure you’re lovely. And I bet you don’t work on a bog-basic, three point morality compass like Shep does.

Everything you say, Shep is either going to react well, poorly, or morally ambiguously. If you’re going out to eat, make sure you select the kind of food he likes. He has a tendency to randomly slap people or push them out of windows if he’s annoyed. He also has a tendency to butt into…

“I’m Commander Shepard and this is my favourite slide in the article.”

Damn it, Shepard.

Well, you know what they say, never meet your idols. Why don’t you let me know which gaming characters you’d like to meet in the comments section below? Or better yet, come up with some examples of characters you definitely wouldn’t want to meet, and why.

Looking for more character assassination? For in-game unpopularity, check out .

You know how you sometimes get asked that question – often during a conversational lull during an already boring dinner party - “Who would you like to meet, and why?” You might even have already heard it in relation to video game characters. It would be cool to meet Mario for real, right? Cheery chap. Cool moustache. Good times. And how cool would it be to get some real, first-person insight into the life of one of the most successful video game characters of all time?

Wrong. You definitely don’t want to meet Mario, or most of your other gaming heroes for that matter. Have a scroll through this article and I’ll explain what’s wrong with all of them. You can still admire them of course, but please, do so from afar.

Mario has been running and jumping on literally everything in sight for decades now. That is some aggressive hyperactivity he has going on there, and he’s not going to stop just because you’re a fan. Just trying to hold a conversation amid his spontaneous sprints, leaps and “Wahoo!”s would leave you exhausted within half an hour. Also, do you really want to hang around a guy who spends all day getting high on mushrooms? Get a job, Mario. He might be dressed like a plumber, but have you ever actually seen him fix any of those pipes?

If you do end up meeting him, despite my warnings, please make sure you keep your wallet hidden, or he’ll pilfer all of your spare change. Maybe just pay for things on your card to be on the safe side. You might be okay with notes. Unless of course, you meet Paper Mario. Get it? Like paper money?

Yeah? Moving on...

Actually, I should apologise to Mario, because he’s not the worst for stealing your valuables. At least if he nicks some of your money, he can’t run away that fast. It’s a whole different story if Sonic the Hedgehog gets a hold of your trinkets. And he’s in it for much bigger pickings. Jewellery and precious stones at the very least.

If you do somehow manage to catch up with him, a single punch will see him drop some of the swag. But he’s still a hedgehog, and with all those spikes, you hit him at your own risk. Is it really worth it? Also, he’s blue. Hedgehogs aren’t supposed to be blue. There’s something seriously, evolutionarily wrong with that creature. Stay away. Just stay away.

“Hey.”
“...”
“How’s it going?”
“...”
“Nice weather we’re having.
“...”

That will be your entire conversation with Gordon Freeman. Enjoy. And have fun trying to talk him down once he starts trying to open doors with a crowbar.

Next!

You know what these angsty, image conscious adolescents are like. You try to engage them in conversation, and all they want to do is talk about how big their sword is. You just know there’s a Tinder profile out there somewhere where he’s posing with the Buster Sword – beneath a towering mass of pristinely preened hair that he’s just desperate for you to notice - but his description has a quote that’s something tritely positive, like “Always believe in the power of friends“. Total, surface-level, internet poser.

He’d never find the time to meet you anyway. When he’s not messing around with Aerith or hanging out with his other friends, he’s usually off fighting evil and saving the world. Probably just for attention though. Give it a rest, would ya, Cloud? No-one needs to see another Junon reactor selfie.

“I’ve never been interested in anyone else’s life. Other people just complicate my life. I don’t like to get involved.”

Oh, okay then Snake, I’ll just leave you alone then, shall I? Yeah, he’s pretty much a sociopath, this guy. And on top of that, he’s a well trained, highly skilled killer. That’s not the friendliest combo. Steer clear unless you want a gun pointed at your… parts… and a grizzled man trying to take your rations. But wait, what’s this?

“I think at any time, any place… people can fall in love with each other.” Kinda sending out mixed signals there, Snake. Maybe add 'monstrously irrational mood-swings' to the list of reasons you probably don’t want to meet him.

Come on, I don’t have actually have to explain this one to you do I? If you want to meet an arrogant, aggressive, wise-cracking, politically incorrect idiot who solves all his problems using a combination of brute force, explosions, and machismo, then dig up Russell Crowe’s address on a Hollywood star map. Also, don’t you hate it when people wear their sunglasses all the time, even indoors?

If you do end up meeting him, just don’t ask him to do any of his famous quotes. He’ll hate that. Just ask any celebrity who, decades later, still has that once-cool-and-hilarious catchphrase shackled around their neck. In fact he’ll probably respond by killing you with brute force and explosions. And then he’ll do one of his famous quotes anyway, because that’s all he has left, damn it. But you won’t hear it. ‘Cos you’ll be dead.

While Mario is getting high on mushrooms all day, Pac-Man is popping pills. Then he gets a bit peckish and eats some fruit. Then he goes and attacks ghosts. This is another guy you don’t want to meet, at least not until he goes to rehab.

It’s unclear if the ‘waka waka waka waka’ sound is due to Pac-Man’s substance abuse or just a crippling speech impediment. If the former, you might be able to get a decent conversation out of him after he gets clean. If not then that’s all you’re gonna get, and don’t think you’ll even get a word in. It’s endless. He can’t even move without wakking. If you want to emulate the experience without having to leave the comfort of your own home, save yourself the trouble of actually hanging out with him by just putting your finger in your ear and scratching, quickly and rhythmically. Go on, try it. It totally works.

Now, Commander Shepard is just an extension of whoever’s playing him or her, and who in their right mind would want to meet you? No, I’m only kidding, I’m sure you’re lovely. And I bet you don’t work on a bog-basic, three point morality compass like Shep does.

Everything you say, Shep is either going to react well, poorly, or morally ambiguously. If you’re going out to eat, make sure you select the kind of food he likes. He has a tendency to randomly slap people or push them out of windows if he’s annoyed. He also has a tendency to butt into…

“I’m Commander Shepard and this is my favourite slide in the article.”

Damn it, Shepard.

Well, you know what they say, never meet your idols. Why don’t you let me know which gaming characters you’d like to meet in the comments section below? Or better yet, come up with some examples of characters you definitely wouldn’t want to meet, and why.

Looking for more character assassination? For in-game unpopularity, check out .