Ah, love in video games. Remember when it was so cool and giggle-provoking that Final Fantasy 7 let you take whichever lady party member (or Barrett) you favored most on a date to the Golden Saucer? Back then, the idea of building a romance in a video game was mostly limited to creepy adult adventures/untranslated dating sims. Not so any more.

Thanks in large part to BioWare's brave experiments in high-stakes fantasy smooching, the modern game consumer expects a host of dating options in anything that can muster up a dialogue tree. This critical eye for digital matchmaking reveals a disturbing trend: there are so many good player companions that, for whatever reason, you just can't date. In the following slides you'll find some of the most egregious examples of sadly un-romanceable characters, from the fan favorites to the obscure. Fortunately for you, taking this relationship to the next level only requires the push of a button (instead of, like, three buttons spread out over the course of a campaign).

Just imagine how things would have been different if these two former crime partners dealt in affection instead of cocaine. Sure, they have their problems - Tommy Vercetti's a control freak who is more comfortable building a criminal empire than talking about his feelings, and Lance Vance is a self-hating coke addict who guards himself from the outside world (most of whom, admittedly, just laugh about his name) with a paper-thin veneer of narcissism.

But who doesn't have issues? Instead of doing endless quests to expand the influence of Tommy's various businesses, why not make enough money so you can check Lance into rehab? After he's cleaned up, why not take him out to Club Malibu to show him you can have a good time without getting into the stuff? Once Tommy and Lance have found happiness in one another, rather than in money and high-powered firearms, then they can take over the city. They're still heinous criminals, after all, but at least they have each other.

Ok, a disclaimer up front: my Shepard's relationship with Dr. Chakwas was one of my favorite unifying elements of the Mass Effect trilogy, and I don't think I'd change a single thing about it. That said, in another playthrough with another Shepard, would I share more than just a bottle of Serrice ice brandy with her? Definitely. But no dice - the closest the Commander can get to a fling with the wise and witty medicine woman is a cherished friendship. Psssh.

This is a BioWare game. If I can't make out with a character just before the climactic final mission, can I even be certain it exists? They'll let you do it with an extraterrestrial that could die from taking off her helmet, yet Dr. Chakwas is left all alone in her little sick bay night after night? I'm beginning to detect some latent ageism at work here and I am not at all happy about it.

You get Seth Green to do a voice role in your game and then you don't let players date him? That's… ok, that's actually pretty understandable. At first blush, going out with a hollow-boned Scott Evil doesn't sound very appealing - particularly when you could instead be dating a sexy space Australian, or a blue empath with a button nose, or a humanoid reptile dying of a romantic disease. Despite the relatively scant screentime that Joker manages to snag across the Mass Effect trilogy (usually while peering back from the helm of the Normandy), his endless jokes and dauntless loyalty still managed to steal hearts.

I'm just saying, BioWare would have been much better served making Joker romanceable than Kaidan (yuck). Yet the only time it saw fit to acknowledge the potential pairing was a throwaway line of dialogue in the third game, at which point he already has his sights set on EDI's new metallic form. Damn you, Joker! Her robotic arms may hold you tighter, but ours are far less likely to crush your ribcage!

Can the 'master of unlocking' pick her way into Chris Redfield's heart? Can the pointman for S.T.A.R.S. Alpha Team show he's more than a beefcake cop with a burning need to prove himself? I'd like to know, but for whatever reason Capcom left a romance subplot out of the original Resident Evil and the director's cut. Talk about an oversight! What an ideal change of pace it would have been to leave a little love note in a typewriter, or a touching little herb arrangement in a safe room, or to rearrange a bunch of puzzle panels into a heart shape.

That's all I'm really asking for, here - they don't need to convert Resident Evil into a full-scale dating sim. Whatever it is, it can't be worse than spending a decade-and-change denying the pair's chemistry as they go from police partners to the co-founders of the Bioterrorism Security Assessment Alliance. Maybe the relationship doesn't work out after the adrenaline-pumping thrill of escaping the Spencer Estate wears off? That's completely fine - at least they gave it a shot.

Mario and Peach have been doing this whole ‘I rescue you, you bake me a cake, I rescue you, you give me a kiss on the cheek’ thing for almost 30 years. Clearly the kidnapper-rescuer dynamic did something for them at some point, but it's just become rote by now, and he still hasn't put a ring on it. It would be much healthier if they just broke off whatever informal courtship they maintain and see other people.

Peach will have her choice of royal suitors, but who should Mario try to connect with? Someone who doesn't carry around all that royal baggage. Someone who cares about his well-being enough to guide him through tutorial after tutorial. Someone who was happy for him when he and Peach were doing well, even though she cried at the thought of not seeing him. Someone whose bouncy pink braids could be made out of hair or fungus, depending on what Toad Caps actually are. Someone named Toadette.

This must have been one of the many concepts that got left on Irrational Games' cutting room floor, right? I mean, Elizabeth and Booker would just be so perfect together! He's the grizzled veteran who lost his wife in childbirth, she's the smart but naive young woman who is ready to find her place in the big, bright world. Remember when she asked him if there was a woman in his life? And all those coins and ammunition packs she keeps finding? Yeah, she wants the 'D'... as in 'DeWitt'. You're gross.

They complete each other so well, it's hard to believe that BioShock Infinite didn't set the two of them up. If only Irrational devoted fewer resources to endless gunfights and more to romance! Admittedly, I didn't finish the game, so maybe this entry is in error. They have to get together in the end, right? What reason could Booker and Elizabeth possibly have to not hook up?

Ah, Varric, he whose winning smile and flowing chest hair launched a thousand Tumblr posts. The guy has a lot going for him aside from the amber forest that sprouts from his ultra-low-cut shirt, of course. You'd be hard-pressed to find a more charming scoundrel outside of the Millenium Falcon. And despite his thin facade as a conniving spymaster, he can't help but use his underworld connections to protect his fellow adventurers.

In more grounded terms, he's clearly the best-adjusted character in the series, and once he gets too old for the adventuring game he can always retire to run the family business… or write trashy novels full time. If only he hadn't pledged his heart to Bianca - the girl, not the crossbow. Or maybe the crossbow, too? Oh well. Statistically speaking, if Varric keeps showing up in Dragon Age games he'll have to date a protagonist at some point.

You've made it to the finale! Now let me see if you've performed enough favorable actions to get the makeout ending… Hmm, looks like you're still on 'warm handshake' level. Ah well. But before we part ways, make sure to note in a few of your own ideas for companions that should have been romance-able in the comments below.

It's just not fair, considering how these in gaming.

Ah, love in video games. Remember when it was so cool and giggle-provoking that Final Fantasy 7 let you take whichever lady party member (or Barrett) you favored most on a date to the Golden Saucer? Back then, the idea of building a romance in a video game was mostly limited to creepy adult adventures/untranslated dating sims. Not so any more.

Thanks in large part to BioWare's brave experiments in high-stakes fantasy smooching, the modern game consumer expects a host of dating options in anything that can muster up a dialogue tree. This critical eye for digital matchmaking reveals a disturbing trend: there are so many good player companions that, for whatever reason, you just can't date. In the following slides you'll find some of the most egregious examples of sadly un-romanceable characters, from the fan favorites to the obscure. Fortunately for you, taking this relationship to the next level only requires the push of a button (instead of, like, three buttons spread out over the course of a campaign).

Just imagine how things would have been different if these two former crime partners dealt in affection instead of cocaine. Sure, they have their problems - Tommy Vercetti's a control freak who is more comfortable building a criminal empire than talking about his feelings, and Lance Vance is a self-hating coke addict who guards himself from the outside world (most of whom, admittedly, just laugh about his name) with a paper-thin veneer of narcissism.

But who doesn't have issues? Instead of doing endless quests to expand the influence of Tommy's various businesses, why not make enough money so you can check Lance into rehab? After he's cleaned up, why not take him out to Club Malibu to show him you can have a good time without getting into the stuff? Once Tommy and Lance have found happiness in one another, rather than in money and high-powered firearms, then they can take over the city. They're still heinous criminals, after all, but at least they have each other.

Ok, a disclaimer up front: my Shepard's relationship with Dr. Chakwas was one of my favorite unifying elements of the Mass Effect trilogy, and I don't think I'd change a single thing about it. That said, in another playthrough with another Shepard, would I share more than just a bottle of Serrice ice brandy with her? Definitely. But no dice - the closest the Commander can get to a fling with the wise and witty medicine woman is a cherished friendship. Psssh.

This is a BioWare game. If I can't make out with a character just before the climactic final mission, can I even be certain it exists? They'll let you do it with an extraterrestrial that could die from taking off her helmet, yet Dr. Chakwas is left all alone in her little sick bay night after night? I'm beginning to detect some latent ageism at work here and I am not at all happy about it.

You get Seth Green to do a voice role in your game and then you don't let players date him? That's… ok, that's actually pretty understandable. At first blush, going out with a hollow-boned Scott Evil doesn't sound very appealing - particularly when you could instead be dating a sexy space Australian, or a blue empath with a button nose, or a humanoid reptile dying of a romantic disease. Despite the relatively scant screentime that Joker manages to snag across the Mass Effect trilogy (usually while peering back from the helm of the Normandy), his endless jokes and dauntless loyalty still managed to steal hearts.

I'm just saying, BioWare would have been much better served making Joker romanceable than Kaidan (yuck). Yet the only time it saw fit to acknowledge the potential pairing was a throwaway line of dialogue in the third game, at which point he already has his sights set on EDI's new metallic form. Damn you, Joker! Her robotic arms may hold you tighter, but ours are far less likely to crush your ribcage!

Can the 'master of unlocking' pick her way into Chris Redfield's heart? Can the pointman for S.T.A.R.S. Alpha Team show he's more than a beefcake cop with a burning need to prove himself? I'd like to know, but for whatever reason Capcom left a romance subplot out of the original Resident Evil and the director's cut. Talk about an oversight! What an ideal change of pace it would have been to leave a little love note in a typewriter, or a touching little herb arrangement in a safe room, or to rearrange a bunch of puzzle panels into a heart shape.

That's all I'm really asking for, here - they don't need to convert Resident Evil into a full-scale dating sim. Whatever it is, it can't be worse than spending a decade-and-change denying the pair's chemistry as they go from police partners to the co-founders of the Bioterrorism Security Assessment Alliance. Maybe the relationship doesn't work out after the adrenaline-pumping thrill of escaping the Spencer Estate wears off? That's completely fine - at least they gave it a shot.

Mario and Peach have been doing this whole ‘I rescue you, you bake me a cake, I rescue you, you give me a kiss on the cheek’ thing for almost 30 years. Clearly the kidnapper-rescuer dynamic did something for them at some point, but it's just become rote by now, and he still hasn't put a ring on it. It would be much healthier if they just broke off whatever informal courtship they maintain and see other people.

Peach will have her choice of royal suitors, but who should Mario try to connect with? Someone who doesn't carry around all that royal baggage. Someone who cares about his well-being enough to guide him through tutorial after tutorial. Someone who was happy for him when he and Peach were doing well, even though she cried at the thought of not seeing him. Someone whose bouncy pink braids could be made out of hair or fungus, depending on what Toad Caps actually are. Someone named Toadette.

This must have been one of the many concepts that got left on Irrational Games' cutting room floor, right? I mean, Elizabeth and Booker would just be so perfect together! He's the grizzled veteran who lost his wife in childbirth, she's the smart but naive young woman who is ready to find her place in the big, bright world. Remember when she asked him if there was a woman in his life? And all those coins and ammunition packs she keeps finding? Yeah, she wants the 'D'... as in 'DeWitt'. You're gross.

They complete each other so well, it's hard to believe that BioShock Infinite didn't set the two of them up. If only Irrational devoted fewer resources to endless gunfights and more to romance! Admittedly, I didn't finish the game, so maybe this entry is in error. They have to get together in the end, right? What reason could Booker and Elizabeth possibly have to not hook up?

Ah, Varric, he whose winning smile and flowing chest hair launched a thousand Tumblr posts. The guy has a lot going for him aside from the amber forest that sprouts from his ultra-low-cut shirt, of course. You'd be hard-pressed to find a more charming scoundrel outside of the Millenium Falcon. And despite his thin facade as a conniving spymaster, he can't help but use his underworld connections to protect his fellow adventurers.

In more grounded terms, he's clearly the best-adjusted character in the series, and once he gets too old for the adventuring game he can always retire to run the family business… or write trashy novels full time. If only he hadn't pledged his heart to Bianca - the girl, not the crossbow. Or maybe the crossbow, too? Oh well. Statistically speaking, if Varric keeps showing up in Dragon Age games he'll have to date a protagonist at some point.

You've made it to the finale! Now let me see if you've performed enough favorable actions to get the makeout ending… Hmm, looks like you're still on 'warm handshake' level. Ah well. But before we part ways, make sure to note in a few of your own ideas for companions that should have been romance-able in the comments below.

It's just not fair, considering how these in gaming.

When Eartha Kitt rudely requested Santa come and trim her ‘Christmas tree’ in , she clearly wasn’t picturing the strange assortment of stand-ins below to dive down her ‘chimney’. These weirdos range from a fat megalomaniac to a time-controlling cat to a mournful spider lady. But they share a common trait: they’d all be awesome Father Christmases.

How? Why? Read on and we’ll explain all in our follow up to the feature that looks at ! I say we. It’s actually just me slouched in an office chair writing this without a shred of warmth or humanity visible on my stoney face. Merry, er, something!!

“Oak Oak Oak, Mareep Christmas!” That’s what the legendary Pokémon prof and well-known master of puns would definitely say all the time if he decided to don a beard and become Father Christmas. It wouldn’t even get old. Imagine it, a new Pokémon for every girl and boy on Christmas morning. Transporting them wouldn’t be too hard for Oak - he’d need only grab a few hundred pokéballs and toss them out to bug catchers, campers, youngsters and lasses of Kanto. He could even ride a sleigh pulled by Deerlings and Stantlers. And for the naughty kids? Give ‘em a lump of Torkoal.

Oak would have competition though. See, Santa actually exists in the Pokémon universe, first appearing in the anime episode Holiday Hi-Jynx where he employs an army of Jynx to prepare presents for Christmas.

A big part of the whole Santa Claus experience revolves around knees. More specifically, kids sitting on knees, explaining what they want for Crimbo. And annoyingly, old Kris Kringle only has two of them. Weak. Whatever your thoughts on the man are - and let’s be honest, he’s a divisive character - that’s pretty disappointing. This is why Chaos Witch Quelaag from Dark Souls would be an excellent stand-in because, with a whopping eight legs hosting 16 hairy knees, she would boost knee-sitting frequency in Lordran tenfold. That’s simple science.

Yes, she’s not very child-friendly what with her vicious nature and toplessness, but give your kid an estus flask to chug on and take them away before she starts spewing fire and they’ll be alright. Probably. Her home of Blighttown contains many suitable gifts, including a plank shield, pyromancer robes, and the extra special Tin Banishment Catalyst, as well as bunch of friendly faces to help her deliver them, from giant mosquitoes to bloated leeches to that old festive favourite: the parasitic wall hugger.

Tingle bells indeed. This notorious middle-aged fairy man comes festively dressed as standard, what with his tasteful all-green bodysuit, bulbous belly, and smart red thong. Simply dye his wispish facial hair white and he’ll be the spitting image of Old Saint Nick. Old Tingle's a cartographer, so he already knows where all Hyrulian children live (in a non-creepy way), and he travels by way of ultra-safe and convenient hot air balloon, which allows him to drop rupees into the wallets of fairy boys and girls everywhere. Kooloo-Limpah! That’s what he says.

See, Tingle loves collectibles of all kinds - in Four Swords Adventures it’s Force Gems, and in The Minish Cap it’s Kinstones - so his sack would be positively bursting. His generosity takes on darker implications when you consider that in the DS game Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland it is explained Tingle needs Rupees to live. Does… does Tingle have a death wish?

Einstein famously disproved the existence of Father Christmas when he selfishly declared that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. NOT EVEN SANTA. But hold on a merry minute: did Einstein ever mention a time-controlling cat called Blinx who’s able to alter the so-called immutable laws of the universe. No he most certainly did not!

Star of the 2002 Xbox platformer, and another in 2004 that was even worse, this tuna-crazed temporal tabby is billed as the world’s first 4D action hero (CATction hero? No) thanks to his crazy (CATrazy? No) vacuum cleaner that can slow, stop, reverse and fast-forward the very fabric of time. Hey Einstein, imagine how useful that would be at delivering presents, you know-it-all. Let’s just hope Blinx doesn’t use his powers for evil, like freezing time and stripping everyone naked! Haha, oh Blinx. Never change.

Ok, so Wario is less of a Santa and more of a grinch, shaking down fools for treasure, shrewdly managing a microgame-making company, and in Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coin even tricking poor Mario out of his castle and taking hard drugs in the throne room. But what if the greasy idiot used his powers of greed for good? Why, he’d be able to give children of the world a positively golden shower of unimaginable riches, possibly contributing to the formation of a new 1% and removing the secret elite lizardmen from their seats of power.

Plus he’s got an awesome assortment of fast-ass vehicles, including two cars, a tractor, a plane, and a bike, on which to deliver presents. Obviously he couldn’t ride them all at once, but we’re sure he could recruit his WarioWare mates like Kat, Spitz and Mona and to help out. Also his good buddy Dr. Crygor (half robot) once fixed Wario’s GBA, so it’s extremely likely he’d know how to programme an advanced AI into these vehicles so they could drive themselves. Yeah...

I'm pretty sure celebrating Christmas is banned in the dystopian, whitewashed city of Mirror’s Edge, but then ‘The Man’ tells you not to run fast or scare pigeons or kill people in cold blood with a series of deadly firearms and Faith does it anyway. Because she’s rebelling against the system, yeah? Barring a poor bit of signposting or amateur-grade level design or something, nothing would stop our nimble Nike ninja from delivering you presents speedily, provided they’re not a tiny bit heavy. You’d need to ask for an iTunes gift card or some stamps - something she could fit in a bumbag.

Nope, not low-hanging pipe, steam vent, nor small, jumpable gap would stand in Faith’s way. And let’s not forget her loyal band of runners, just as fast but a touch more forgettable, who’ll no doubt help her with her haul. Careful though, because one or more of them are bound to betray her at some point. That just makes for a better narrative.

Santa’s whole mythology is based on him making snap judgements about people. “Oooh, you’ve been naughty, you’ve been nice.” Dude, you don’t even know me. Who made you the world's moral adjudicator? People don’t get tattoos with ‘only God can judge me (and also Santa)’. It just seems a bit of a dick move to be dealing in absolutes, especially around Christmas. Luckily, that’s Mike Hagger’s whole spiel. And he does it with a lot more class.

From the Final Fight series, this former professional wrestler turned mayor rules over Metro City with an iron fist and a waxed chest and a class moustache. If you’re naughty, like the Mad Gear gang who kidnap Haggar’s daughter and send house prices in the area plummeting, Haggar won’t just shove a lump of coal in your face, but a signature reverse elbow too. And if you’ve been nice? Expect a platter of delicious pavement turkey and possibly a confiscated blade or two. Merry Christmas!

Well, there are my picks for the video game characters who would actually make great Santas. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to decorate my home with festive, parasitic wall-huggers, such is the tradition in my family. If you have comments, and your fingers aren't too full of gifts, leave comments below. On anything, really, I don't mind.

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