I'm not even going to try to justify this one. You know why you're here. I'll warn you though, it's going to get pretty traumatic.

I spent most of yesterday discovering the Hell that is unleashed when you set 's search filters to "Romantic" and "M-rated". I now enjoy a hitherto unimagined level of empathy with Vietnam veterans. Whatever mind-bending spectacles and seething horrors await you over the following pages, just know that I've read the full stories that these selected quotations come from, and far more to boot. You won't believe how far the rabbit hole goes. Literally and figuratively. And just FYI, all fic extracts here are presented largely as originally written, intermittent avant garde grammar and all. The only change I've made is to censor some of the more explicit terminology. But regardless, explicit content abounds from this point forth.

Written by: The Crimson Wing

The synopsis: Kratos (from God of War) and Sam Fisher (from, er, Splinter Cell) are enjoying an ongoing, passionate affair, as a result of magic portals.

Selected 'highlights': "Hot lips collided again, glazed eyes locking. Kratos caught Sam's right hand with his left as the right hand of the lower trailed down the bare chest, caressing the jumping muscles and swirling the navel. Rough fingertips trailed over the top of the kilt, sliding in ever so slightly to brush over more bare skin, earning a grunt of acceptance from the pale male. The hand of the god that wasn't occupied began to work on the shirt of the Splinter Cell, popping open troublesome buttons with ease (actually ripping them off was more like it…) before his hand paused, lips releasing Sam's to emit a sigh, eyes fluttering closed.

"Sam grinned, brushed his fingertips over the head of his lover again to earn another sigh. Kratos's muscles spasmed all at once and he was half sitting upwards to rip off Sam's shirt when…" Ok, moving swiftly onwards...

Written by: weinercaughtinabutt

The synopsis: Doomguy (from Doom) finds his wife amorous after a long, hard day of demon-slaughter.

Selected 'highlights': "Doomguy walked towards the bedroom after a long day of work. "Ugh" he grunted after trying to open the door, it would not open. "Hold on honey!" he heard from behind the closed bedroom door. The door opened softly as his wonderful wife curled her finger toward the bedroom. As he entered the doorway, she began to close the door. Her eyes beamed "you seemed to have such a hard day, why don't I soften you up" she said seductively. Her nightgown silkingly wove her body, as it fell off it revealed her tender body. Doomguy was instantly reminded that the carpet matched the drapes, blonde." Hey, this is quite tasteful.

"As they both climaxed, her..." Er, ok then, that's enough of that.

Written by: Alpha Sam

The synopsis: An Eevee named Sparky has a problem. A Pikachu named Rex helps him with it.

Selected 'highlights': "'Well I have a … little problem…" Sparky looked away shamefully. 'Yea Spark? What is it?' the Picachu put his little paw on the Eevee's softed furred head. The Little Eevee sighed. 'Well….' Sparky spread his hind legs apart showing his..." Goddam it, Alpha Sam!

Written by: BlueRaine

The synopsis: Gears of War's Marcus takes Carmine aside to teach him some advanced RR techniques.

Selected 'highlights': "Carmine freezes, standing there on his knees like a bastard child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he looks up to Marcus for instructions, his big blue eyes concerned and as wide as dinner plates. "You've got nothing to worry about, Kiddo." Baird says in his most arrogant of voices, "I happen to be damn good at this particular sort of mission, well, not that I'm ever bad at ANY sort of mission since I'm..." Baird trails off as Marcus interrupts him in a gravelly tone, 'I'm sure you can come up with something better to do with your mouth than run it all day.'" Righty-o.

Written by: StopJustStop

The synopsis: Beat from Jet Set Radio is seduced by real-life Indie Car driver Danica Patrick. In a branch of a well-known fast-food outlet.

Selected 'highlights': "Go and pick out a piece of chicken. But don't eat it. That's for later." Danica ordered Beat. He picked out a piece of chicken. "If I can't eat it, what do I do with it?" Beat asked. 'Stick it in..." Oh god!

Written by: DeamonPrince

The synopsis: Back at Wayne Manor, Bruce (from Batman: Arkham Asylum, obviously) recounts a hitherto forgotten escapade resulting from drugging.

Selected 'highlights': "Ivy's hands were now removing Batman's cape and armor. As they kissed deeply, she rubbed her hands on his iron chest making him grunt. Batman's hands were now massaging Ivy's..." Alrighty then. Surely it isn't all like this! "Ivy broke the kiss again to drop to her hands and knees to remove Batman's belt and pants. ~No! Stop! ~ He thought as she massaged his..." Oh, yeah, it is.

Written by: NoWindForThisHole

The synopsis: Hakan goes on an exciting, globe-trotting, street-fighting adventure.

Selected 'highlights': "Hakan travelled to the jungle where he found a Chinese woman with malformed legs. 'My name is Chun-Li' she boomed. 'And you look like a fun.' You've got Spinning Bird Kick well I've got Spinning Bird D..." Well, that's an image I'm not going to shake any time soon.

Written by: bloiffy

The synopsis: Wander (yeah, from Shadow of the Colossus) must defeat the 16th Colossus in order to revive Mono. The Colossus is a hot, human-sized woman. Later, he gets a horrible surprise.

Selected 'highlights': "A tear in his trousers had unlocked his most secret treasure trove. Wanderer's cheeks flushed with blood as he was filled with embarrassment, just as his **** was flushed rigid with blood due to his undeniable arousal. It stood, his True holy sword, jutting forth, pointing skyward. His gaze fell upon it, and he saw that indeed a glowing light shone forth from his vas deferens, indicating this new challenge's glowing weak spot. Her w..." No, no, no--that isn't cool. And the next bit, featuring Agro the horse? Words fail me.

Written by: irishileana

The synopsis: Months after her escape from Aperture, Portal's Chell is troubled by unusual dreams.

Selected 'highlights': "Her left hand had moved from Chell's shoulder, making the short distance to her..." Chell's partner in this fic is GLaDOS. Be aware of that. We need go no further.

Written by: babethecooltomboy

The synopsis: Tails is in love with Cream the Rabbit, but can't bring himself to tell her. Then one night, he runs into her after getting smashed on tequila.

Selected 'highlights': "Tails was a smart and had study a lot about sex..." No! No, I'm not even touching this one. Just no.

So, thank God that's over, right? I don't even know what to say here, to be honest. But, er, yeah. This was certainly a feature that I wrote and that you've just read, and those fics are real and were written by real humans. Draw your own conclusions. I can't even feel feelings any more. And if you think the previous was bad, know that what you've just seen were the very edited highlights of the nicest bits of the nicest stuff I read.

And while you recover, why not check out some of our less mind-crushing Week of Love content? Try a go.

...is a great woman. That's how the old axiom goes, and it's no more true anywhere than in video games. Yes, the medium might have a reputation for poorly representing female characters, while promoting dull-headed, overly stoic masculinity as its major protagonist trope, but is any of that really true? Of course not! Games are nothing but a bastion of ultra-modern, equality-focused storytelling, you big idiot!

Just think about how important women are to the biggest action game plots. Without them, nothing happens. Okay, so they might be dead, or die during the course of the story, but that doesn't mean that they're not every bit as respected, well-rounded and meaningful as their related men-folk. There's no tokenistic objectification here. No lazy character motivation, or adherence to dated cliche. No, dead female characters (I'm extending the definition to both girlfriends and ambiguous romantic interests, because this is a healthily eclectic group of characters, not limited by simplistic definitions of matrimony) are just as important as anyone else in video games. BECAUSE THIS IS SERIOUS, MATURE, WELL WRITTEN ART, Y'ALL. So let's have a word with them, shall we?

Killed in: Gears of War 2, by Dom, as a mercy-killing.

Would probably say: "Okay, so I was kidnapped by a race of inhuman monsters, kept underground, hidden away from daylight and all I held dear for years, and eventually tortured into a twisted, mindless husk, residing in a tiny metal coffin before eventually being released only to gasp my first breath of fresh(ish) air in God knows how long immediately before having my brains blown out. But let’s face it, the really sad part about all of this is how it caused a few mild problems in Dom’s friendship with his meat-headed military buddy. Causing frictions in masculine, male friendships. That’s the true tragedy wrought by the Locust.

"Don’t worry about me. I was barely even in the story to begin with."

Killed in: Double Dragon 2, right at the start.

Would probably say: "So I get kidnapped. Billy and Jimmy mount a rescue attempt. That was kind of cool of them. But what happens when they arrive? Do they call the police? An ambulance? Even check I’m alright? No, they stick their idiot chests out and have a fight to see who ‘gets’ me. Nice. I mean I only have a couple of cracked ribs, and I don’t think there's any internal bleeding, so you guys carry on. Not like I need any say in who I end up with anyway.

"Well, it's not like I get any say in anything any more, seeing as how I got shot dead pretty soon afterwards. It's almost like I'm not actually a real person at all, and more a cheap excuse for Billy and Jimmy to beat people up. "

Killed in: Final Fantasy 7, by Sephiroth

Would probably say: "Wow, that sword came out of nowhere. Totally unexpected. I mean I know Sephiroth was a bit of a dick, but that was entirely unwarranted. Come on, I’d barely even done anything. Seriously, try to remember anything significant I’d said or done at that point. Recall a single line of my dialogue. I was completely inoffensive. Hell, if I was going to get meta about this, I’d say it was almost as if I was a barely sketched up cliché of submissive, victimised femininity, designed only to elicit sympathetic, protective feelings from male onlookers.

"No, I’m being paranoid now. That would make my very existence, and by association my death, only relevant in terms of creating artificial angst and narrative drive for the second part of the story, and that’d just be ridiculousThough I did die about halfway through… Hmm... Hang the fuck on a minute…"

Killed in: God of War, by Kratos, in an oblivious war rage.

Would probably say: "You know what’s really frustrating about this whole thing? I was about to leave the bald-headed boar anyway. He was just such a tedious, one-dimensional, perpetually angry dickhead. No depth to him at all. Such a self-indulgent grunt. It was like his view of masculinity hadn’t evolved since he was a teenager. No way I could raise a family with someone like that. By great Zeus’ beard, I bet my death was the most interesting thing that had ever happened to him. I mean how notable would he have been, really, if killing me and the kids hadn’t set off that little tantrum of his?

"Never mind the plans I had for moving away and setting up my own business, or how excited the kids were about moving to the coast, just as long as Kratos got his foot on the career ladder and had an excuse to not grow the fuck up for another few years. Yeah, that’s what we should be focusing on here. As ever."

Killed in: Dante's Inferno, by some middle-eastern assassin, off-camera, because she didn't really matter to the story until she died.

Would probably say: "I was a teacher in the village before I died. I also sat on the town council (while the men were away at the Crusades, naturally), was instrumental in sorting out the new water supply, helped several of the area’s poor by creating new jobs through the farmland redevelopment programme I initiated, and was also a dogged environmentalist.

"Of course, all of that happened before Dante’s story started, so you won’t know any of it. All you’ll know is that I died with my tits out."

Killed in: Castlevania: Lords of Shadow

Would probably say: "You think he’s a moping, disaffected dick now? Think about this. Pretending my death was reversible was the only way I could persuade him to carry on his quest to save the world. Seriously. That’s why he went all the way to take down Satan. I effectively had to give my life so that millions more could be saved, because he, supposed noble warrior of light, would not get his arse in gear otherwise.

"And he gets the credit. Brilliant."

Killed in: Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor

Would probably say: "This is bullshit. Seriously. What the fuck? I was nothing if not dutiful. Cartoonishly so, if you consider my offer to ‘fess up for Talion’s crimes before I died. And that whole ‘be brave, we’ll be together in the next life’ schtick. And all that submissive bullshit when we were talking about moving away to build a better life for our son. Sweet crap, who the hell actually behaves like that? That's some just plain unbelievable idealistic bullshit there. I mean there’s being selfless, and then there’s not even existing except as an appendage of one’s husband.

"Did any of those orcs even know my name before I died? Did anyone? I’m pretty sure it didn’t come up. Not that anyone asked. Like, at all. And it’s not like things improved afterwards, either. Did I get offered any glowy-eyed vengeance? Nope, that’s all for Talion. Apparently this isn't about me. I can actually see why Beatrice - that's her name, by the way - thought about hooking up with Lucifer. Of course it's all about Dante, and Kratos, and Talion, and the rest of those moping pricks. Total horseshit."

See, ladies? See how good you have it video games these days? Hell, some of you even get to fire guns. Truly, we are living in the age of enlightenment.

Christ, I can't carry on with this. Shall we just move onto some links? Good. Have a look at . Because why the hell not?

Video game characters can live through just about anything. Actually, what I mean to say is that video game characters can die through just about anything, but they'll always come back. Doesn't matter if they're shot up, torn to pieces, or even plummet into a bottomless pit, they'll reappear within seconds to take another crack at their objective. There's one important caveat, though: they still die sometimes, usually when it's the end of a trilogy (or it's time for a reboot).

So the only conclusion I can draw here is that video game characters will only die under very specific circumstances. These almost never come up throughout the course of a game, so naturally they almost never die. What exactly are these fatal circumstances for your favorite characters? Well, I'm glad you asked, because I happen to have assembled a slide deck for just this occasion...

This one's obvious. Just because Snake's managed to outlast some half-dozen armed uprisings, a gaggle of super-powerful military robots, and a virus that was genetically engineered to kill his clone doesn't mean he can sneak by the third-leading cause of death in the world. That's right, the legendary soldier will be felled by . Why not lung cancer? I'm thinking all those nanomachines in his blood probably know how to seek and destroy malignant tumors, given his frequent exposure to radioactive weaponry. Nope, thanks to his pack-a-day habit, he'll just cough his way into oblivion.

Compare Cloud Strife's outfit in Final Fantasy 7 to his outfit in Advent Children. Go ahead, I'll wait. Did you spot the difference? Aside from dropping that radical bolted shoulder plate, I mean. Yep - no more weightlifting belt. Shinra was smart enough to make a lifting belt part of the standard SOLDIER uniform. After all, if you're going to have your elite paramilitary force swinging around swords that weigh literally hundreds of pounds, you'd better look after their lower backs. But it looks like Cloud got cocky after he struck out on his own. I give it five years before his vertebrae explode like popcorn kernels and he drops dead.

We don't know much about sexually transmitted diseases from before the Renaissance, since medicine wasn't really a big deal back then. So I can't say with certainty which STDs the Spartan warrior Kratos would be most likely to contract thousands of years ago. I'll go with the safe answer and postulate all of those available at the time. Kratos can't go half an hour without ending up in bed with a handful of comely ladies, and I have no reason to assume that his many lovers are any more selective about their partners than he is. So assuming Kratos survives his perpetually uncertain fate, he'll still drop dead of the ancient Grecian equivalent of syphilis.... after his junk shrivels up and falls off.

Despite saving both Hyrule and Termina, no one else would ever sing of Link's most heroic exploits. That's the problem with grand quests to set timelines back in order - if you do your job right, you're the only one who knows you did it. So Link wanders around feeling unfulfilled. As he gets older, he takes to picking fights in taverns to prove his skill in combat. Forgetful from drinking, he doesn't remember to stock up on fairies. He loses his last fight to a mean-looking goron and comes back a few hundred years later as the Hero's Shade, where he can at least pass his knowledge on to a new hero in green (and warn him to stay off the booze).

There are so many ways Amanda Ripley can die in Alien Isolation! It's a veritable buffet of fatality. She could be shot to death by a crazed scavenger, kicked to death by an android, or even have her noggin punctured by the alien's inner jaws, to name a few options. But don't worry, because I guarantee you she's going to be A-OK for at least the next forty years. How can I be so sure when I myself haven't actually finished Alien Isolation yet? According to the director's cut of Aliens, Amanda is slated to die of cancer at the age of 66. Duh.

Nothing can kill Max Payne. It's a sentiment that many of his enemies have marveled about at one time or another, but it's not true. Despite his miraculous ability to shrug off the massive bleeding and organ failure endemic to being shot hundreds of times, he still has one big weakness: a crippling addiction to painkillers. And yeah, he's built up so much of a resistance to the drugs over time that his body can handle enough to put down an elephant. But when he starts approaching his golden years, and the usual aches and pains of aging are amplified by ten lifetimes worth of grievous injury, he's guaranteed to go a pill too far.

Whenever one of the Kongs gets taken out, they know they can count on their partner to come along and free them from the next conveniently placed DK Barrel. You can tell this particular scheme was conceived by Donkey Kong. The brutish ape turns barrels into splinters just for kicks - so obviously it wouldn't take too long to escape from one if nobody was around to free him. But what about Diddy Kong, just as an example? Diddy has chimp strength, not gorilla strength. Leave him in a product of fine cooperage for a week or so and, well, at least you already have the coffin sorted.

Nathan Drake is near-indestructible, but he does have a certain weakness for one woman: Elena Fisher. So it's a good thing she's a pinnacle of loyalty, tenacity, and patience, always ready to help him whenever he needs it... which is a lot of the time. But even Elena's saintly patience has to break down some time. As you can see from the existence of Uncharted 4, Drake just can't stay out of the adventuring game, and he just can't stop dragging Elena into it. She knows he'll never actually die on his dangerous adventures. So there's only one way to break the cycle of bullshit: sneak up behind him while he's making breakfast and break his neck. He'd want to go out that way.

You know how sharks will supposedly die if they stop moving? It's not entirely true, since most species can use suction to get oxygen to their gills when they slow down. But Sonic the Hedgehog isn't one of those species - heck, he isn't a shark at all! It's easy enough to diagnose Sonic's breathing difficulties just by looking at his shiny black nose. No nostrils, see? And the way his mouth is stuck in a permanent smirk off to one side of his face means he needs to keep running super-fast to force enough life-giving breath down his misshapen airway. That little foot-tap of his isn't attitude, it's a desperate plea for help.

The Master Chief is unbeatable in a firefight, but it's not all skill on his part. He owes his life to his MJOLNIR powered armor suit, and, more specifically, to its regenerating shield system. It's absorbed enough firepower to scorch a small country (let's say Finland), but it always fwooshes back on after taking a few seconds to recharge. At least, it always does before the batteries run out. Seriously, it's a miracle it hasn't happened already, considering how much power that thing must chew up. One of these days he'll forget to plug it in before he goes to bed, and that'll be the end of John-117.

Jill Valentine's seen some shit. Regular zombies, super-zombies engineered solely to destroy her, creepy parasites in cryo-stasis; she's dealt with them all admirably. Some day she'll get to leave all the battles behind. But they'll never leave her. It's only a matter of time before some poor sleepwalker sets her into a PTSD-induced flashback, only for her to regain lucidity as she's standing over his kerosene-soaked corpse. Her lawyer will try to get her off on an insanity plea, but her reputation as a "Master of Unlocking" will be enough for the prosecution to establish a criminal history. She'll spend the rest of her life wandering around, looking for the right key to open her cell door.

Normally I'd feel bad for revealing all of these heroes' weaknesses, but to be honest, they've encountered so much pain in their action-packed lives that they probably feel downright deprived of the sweet release of death by now. You know of any other surefire ways to make a character croak? Let's hear it in the comments!

Do you thirst for ever more death and destruction? Are you OK? Alright, then why not try the and nine healing items that would totally kill you in real life.

Video game characters can live through just about anything. Actually, what I mean to say is that video game characters can die through just about anything, but they'll always come back. Doesn't matter if they're shot up, torn to pieces, or even plummet into a bottomless pit, they'll reappear within seconds to take another crack at their objective. There's one important caveat, though: they still die sometimes, usually when it's the end of a trilogy (or it's time for a reboot).

So the only conclusion I can draw here is that video game characters will only die under very specific circumstances. These almost never come up throughout the course of a game, so naturally they almost never die. What exactly are these fatal circumstances for your favorite characters? Well, I'm glad you asked, because I happen to have assembled a slide deck for just this occasion...

This one's obvious. Just because Snake's managed to outlast some half-dozen armed uprisings, a gaggle of super-powerful military robots, and a virus that was genetically engineered to kill his clone doesn't mean he can sneak by the third-leading cause of death in the world. That's right, the legendary soldier will be felled by . Why not lung cancer? I'm thinking all those nanomachines in his blood probably know how to seek and destroy malignant tumors, given his frequent exposure to radioactive weaponry. Nope, thanks to his pack-a-day habit, he'll just cough his way into oblivion.

Compare Cloud Strife's outfit in Final Fantasy 7 to his outfit in Advent Children. Go ahead, I'll wait. Did you spot the difference? Aside from dropping that radical bolted shoulder plate, I mean. Yep - no more weightlifting belt. Shinra was smart enough to make a lifting belt part of the standard SOLDIER uniform. After all, if you're going to have your elite paramilitary force swinging around swords that weigh literally hundreds of pounds, you'd better look after their lower backs. But it looks like Cloud got cocky after he struck out on his own. I give it five years before his vertebrae explode like popcorn kernels and he drops dead.

We don't know much about sexually transmitted diseases from before the Renaissance, since medicine wasn't really a big deal back then. So I can't say with certainty which STDs the Spartan warrior Kratos would be most likely to contract thousands of years ago. I'll go with the safe answer and postulate all of those available at the time. Kratos can't go half an hour without ending up in bed with a handful of comely ladies, and I have no reason to assume that his many lovers are any more selective about their partners than he is. So assuming Kratos survives his perpetually uncertain fate, he'll still drop dead of the ancient Grecian equivalent of syphilis.... after his junk shrivels up and falls off.

Despite saving both Hyrule and Termina, no one else would ever sing of Link's most heroic exploits. That's the problem with grand quests to set timelines back in order - if you do your job right, you're the only one who knows you did it. So Link wanders around feeling unfulfilled. As he gets older, he takes to picking fights in taverns to prove his skill in combat. Forgetful from drinking, he doesn't remember to stock up on fairies. He loses his last fight to a mean-looking goron and comes back a few hundred years later as the Hero's Shade, where he can at least pass his knowledge on to a new hero in green (and warn him to stay off the booze).

There are so many ways Amanda Ripley can die in Alien Isolation! It's a veritable buffet of fatality. She could be shot to death by a crazed scavenger, kicked to death by an android, or even have her noggin punctured by the alien's inner jaws, to name a few options. But don't worry, because I guarantee you she's going to be A-OK for at least the next forty years. How can I be so sure when I myself haven't actually finished Alien Isolation yet? According to the director's cut of Aliens, Amanda is slated to die of cancer at the age of 66. Duh.

Nothing can kill Max Payne. It's a sentiment that many of his enemies have marveled about at one time or another, but it's not true. Despite his miraculous ability to shrug off the massive bleeding and organ failure endemic to being shot hundreds of times, he still has one big weakness: a crippling addiction to painkillers. And yeah, he's built up so much of a resistance to the drugs over time that his body can handle enough to put down an elephant. But when he starts approaching his golden years, and the usual aches and pains of aging are amplified by ten lifetimes worth of grievous injury, he's guaranteed to go a pill too far.

Whenever one of the Kongs gets taken out, they know they can count on their partner to come along and free them from the next conveniently placed DK Barrel. You can tell this particular scheme was conceived by Donkey Kong. The brutish ape turns barrels into splinters just for kicks - so obviously it wouldn't take too long to escape from one if nobody was around to free him. But what about Diddy Kong, just as an example? Diddy has chimp strength, not gorilla strength. Leave him in a product of fine cooperage for a week or so and, well, at least you already have the coffin sorted.

Nathan Drake is near-indestructible, but he does have a certain weakness for one woman: Elena Fisher. So it's a good thing she's a pinnacle of loyalty, tenacity, and patience, always ready to help him whenever he needs it... which is a lot of the time. But even Elena's saintly patience has to break down some time. As you can see from the existence of Uncharted 4, Drake just can't stay out of the adventuring game, and he just can't stop dragging Elena into it. She knows he'll never actually die on his dangerous adventures. So there's only one way to break the cycle of bullshit: sneak up behind him while he's making breakfast and break his neck. He'd want to go out that way.

You know how sharks will supposedly die if they stop moving? It's not entirely true, since most species can use suction to get oxygen to their gills when they slow down. But Sonic the Hedgehog isn't one of those species - heck, he isn't a shark at all! It's easy enough to diagnose Sonic's breathing difficulties just by looking at his shiny black nose. No nostrils, see? And the way his mouth is stuck in a permanent smirk off to one side of his face means he needs to keep running super-fast to force enough life-giving breath down his misshapen airway. That little foot-tap of his isn't attitude, it's a desperate plea for help.

The Master Chief is unbeatable in a firefight, but it's not all skill on his part. He owes his life to his MJOLNIR powered armor suit, and, more specifically, to its regenerating shield system. It's absorbed enough firepower to scorch a small country (let's say Finland), but it always fwooshes back on after taking a few seconds to recharge. At least, it always does before the batteries run out. Seriously, it's a miracle it hasn't happened already, considering how much power that thing must chew up. One of these days he'll forget to plug it in before he goes to bed, and that'll be the end of John-117.

Jill Valentine's seen some shit. Regular zombies, super-zombies engineered solely to destroy her, creepy parasites in cryo-stasis; she's dealt with them all admirably. Some day she'll get to leave all the battles behind. But they'll never leave her. It's only a matter of time before some poor sleepwalker sets her into a PTSD-induced flashback, only for her to regain lucidity as she's standing over his kerosene-soaked corpse. Her lawyer will try to get her off on an insanity plea, but her reputation as a "Master of Unlocking" will be enough for the prosecution to establish a criminal history. She'll spend the rest of her life wandering around, looking for the right key to open her cell door.

Normally I'd feel bad for revealing all of these heroes' weaknesses, but to be honest, they've encountered so much pain in their action-packed lives that they probably feel downright deprived of the sweet release of death by now. You know of any other surefire ways to make a character croak? Let's hear it in the comments!

Do you thirst for ever more death and destruction? Are you OK? Alright, then why not try the and nine healing items that would totally kill you in real life.