I'm not even going to try to justify this one. You know why you're here. I'll warn you though, it's going to get pretty traumatic.

I spent most of yesterday discovering the Hell that is unleashed when you set 's search filters to "Romantic" and "M-rated". I now enjoy a hitherto unimagined level of empathy with Vietnam veterans. Whatever mind-bending spectacles and seething horrors await you over the following pages, just know that I've read the full stories that these selected quotations come from, and far more to boot. You won't believe how far the rabbit hole goes. Literally and figuratively. And just FYI, all fic extracts here are presented largely as originally written, intermittent avant garde grammar and all. The only change I've made is to censor some of the more explicit terminology. But regardless, explicit content abounds from this point forth.

Written by: The Crimson Wing

The synopsis: Kratos (from God of War) and Sam Fisher (from, er, Splinter Cell) are enjoying an ongoing, passionate affair, as a result of magic portals.

Selected 'highlights': "Hot lips collided again, glazed eyes locking. Kratos caught Sam's right hand with his left as the right hand of the lower trailed down the bare chest, caressing the jumping muscles and swirling the navel. Rough fingertips trailed over the top of the kilt, sliding in ever so slightly to brush over more bare skin, earning a grunt of acceptance from the pale male. The hand of the god that wasn't occupied began to work on the shirt of the Splinter Cell, popping open troublesome buttons with ease (actually ripping them off was more like it…) before his hand paused, lips releasing Sam's to emit a sigh, eyes fluttering closed.

"Sam grinned, brushed his fingertips over the head of his lover again to earn another sigh. Kratos's muscles spasmed all at once and he was half sitting upwards to rip off Sam's shirt when…" Ok, moving swiftly onwards...

Written by: weinercaughtinabutt

The synopsis: Doomguy (from Doom) finds his wife amorous after a long, hard day of demon-slaughter.

Selected 'highlights': "Doomguy walked towards the bedroom after a long day of work. "Ugh" he grunted after trying to open the door, it would not open. "Hold on honey!" he heard from behind the closed bedroom door. The door opened softly as his wonderful wife curled her finger toward the bedroom. As he entered the doorway, she began to close the door. Her eyes beamed "you seemed to have such a hard day, why don't I soften you up" she said seductively. Her nightgown silkingly wove her body, as it fell off it revealed her tender body. Doomguy was instantly reminded that the carpet matched the drapes, blonde." Hey, this is quite tasteful.

"As they both climaxed, her..." Er, ok then, that's enough of that.

Written by: Alpha Sam

The synopsis: An Eevee named Sparky has a problem. A Pikachu named Rex helps him with it.

Selected 'highlights': "'Well I have a … little problem…" Sparky looked away shamefully. 'Yea Spark? What is it?' the Picachu put his little paw on the Eevee's softed furred head. The Little Eevee sighed. 'Well….' Sparky spread his hind legs apart showing his..." Goddam it, Alpha Sam!

Written by: BlueRaine

The synopsis: Gears of War's Marcus takes Carmine aside to teach him some advanced RR techniques.

Selected 'highlights': "Carmine freezes, standing there on his knees like a bastard child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he looks up to Marcus for instructions, his big blue eyes concerned and as wide as dinner plates. "You've got nothing to worry about, Kiddo." Baird says in his most arrogant of voices, "I happen to be damn good at this particular sort of mission, well, not that I'm ever bad at ANY sort of mission since I'm..." Baird trails off as Marcus interrupts him in a gravelly tone, 'I'm sure you can come up with something better to do with your mouth than run it all day.'" Righty-o.

Written by: StopJustStop

The synopsis: Beat from Jet Set Radio is seduced by real-life Indie Car driver Danica Patrick. In a branch of a well-known fast-food outlet.

Selected 'highlights': "Go and pick out a piece of chicken. But don't eat it. That's for later." Danica ordered Beat. He picked out a piece of chicken. "If I can't eat it, what do I do with it?" Beat asked. 'Stick it in..." Oh god!

Written by: DeamonPrince

The synopsis: Back at Wayne Manor, Bruce (from Batman: Arkham Asylum, obviously) recounts a hitherto forgotten escapade resulting from drugging.

Selected 'highlights': "Ivy's hands were now removing Batman's cape and armor. As they kissed deeply, she rubbed her hands on his iron chest making him grunt. Batman's hands were now massaging Ivy's..." Alrighty then. Surely it isn't all like this! "Ivy broke the kiss again to drop to her hands and knees to remove Batman's belt and pants. ~No! Stop! ~ He thought as she massaged his..." Oh, yeah, it is.

Written by: NoWindForThisHole

The synopsis: Hakan goes on an exciting, globe-trotting, street-fighting adventure.

Selected 'highlights': "Hakan travelled to the jungle where he found a Chinese woman with malformed legs. 'My name is Chun-Li' she boomed. 'And you look like a fun.' You've got Spinning Bird Kick well I've got Spinning Bird D..." Well, that's an image I'm not going to shake any time soon.

Written by: bloiffy

The synopsis: Wander (yeah, from Shadow of the Colossus) must defeat the 16th Colossus in order to revive Mono. The Colossus is a hot, human-sized woman. Later, he gets a horrible surprise.

Selected 'highlights': "A tear in his trousers had unlocked his most secret treasure trove. Wanderer's cheeks flushed with blood as he was filled with embarrassment, just as his **** was flushed rigid with blood due to his undeniable arousal. It stood, his True holy sword, jutting forth, pointing skyward. His gaze fell upon it, and he saw that indeed a glowing light shone forth from his vas deferens, indicating this new challenge's glowing weak spot. Her w..." No, no, no--that isn't cool. And the next bit, featuring Agro the horse? Words fail me.

Written by: irishileana

The synopsis: Months after her escape from Aperture, Portal's Chell is troubled by unusual dreams.

Selected 'highlights': "Her left hand had moved from Chell's shoulder, making the short distance to her..." Chell's partner in this fic is GLaDOS. Be aware of that. We need go no further.

Written by: babethecooltomboy

The synopsis: Tails is in love with Cream the Rabbit, but can't bring himself to tell her. Then one night, he runs into her after getting smashed on tequila.

Selected 'highlights': "Tails was a smart and had study a lot about sex..." No! No, I'm not even touching this one. Just no.

So, thank God that's over, right? I don't even know what to say here, to be honest. But, er, yeah. This was certainly a feature that I wrote and that you've just read, and those fics are real and were written by real humans. Draw your own conclusions. I can't even feel feelings any more. And if you think the previous was bad, know that what you've just seen were the very edited highlights of the nicest bits of the nicest stuff I read.

And while you recover, why not check out some of our less mind-crushing Week of Love content? Try a go.

We all need a vacation sometimes. Whether you go off on a big adventure, visit family back home, or just refuse to leave your apartment for an extended period of time, it's tough to overstate how much a nice, long break can improve your quality of life. Yeah, it may be tough to get back to real life afterwards, but chances are your time off will be apparent in the quality of your work. Unless you really hate your job… in which case, sorry.

That doesn't just apply for people, either. Some of the biggest video game franchises on shelves today (and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that…) could really use a break. I don't mean to be harsh here - it's tough for anyone to keep the creative spark on the same kind of project year in and year out. That's why these franchises deserve to go dark for a bit and come back better than ever.

Resident Evil has always had a kind of kooky backstory, given its endless stream of double crosses and massive corporate/governmental conspiracies. But Resident Evil 6's three (four if you count Ada's sidestory) interjoining campaigns cranked the whole thing up for a sort of narrative judgment day. Clones, amnesia, dead presidents, secret illegitimate children, seemingly endless new varieties of creepy mutant baddies - it was, um, definitely over the top.

That's not necessarily a bad thing - like I said, Resident Evil's always been a bit bonkers. But recently all the twists, turns, and doubling back have gotten a bit tiresome. Frankly, that's one of the reasons I'm looking forward to Resident Evil Revelations 2 - it takes place before Resident Evil 6 and tells its own discrete story with characters we haven't seen much of since the early days of the series. If the franchise itself took a few years off and came back with a reboot, I'd love to see the main cast discover the horror all over again. Minus the clones and dead presidents.

Do you remember back when you could get excited about a game just because it had 'Mario' in the title? Even if you hated tennis or racing games, you knew that no product could bear the plumber's mustachioed visage unless it lived up to Nintendo's stringent standards of accessibility, fun, and challenge (or unless it was a licensed edutainment title like Mario is Missing).

Nowadays, you can be sure that a game with "Mario" in the title… has Mario in it. Also probably Luigi, Peach, and Bowser. You can even be confident that it will be pretty good. But it just doesn't guarantee greatness like it used to. Between Tennis, Golf, Party, Maker, Kart, Olympic Games, New Super Mario Bros., and all the rest, Mario has, like, a Starbucks-level franchising operation going here. And just like Starbucks, that ubiquity can make for mediocrity, even with modern classics like Super Mario 3D World and Mario Kart 8 surfacing with some regularity. It's not too late by any stretch - if Nintendo just reins it in a bit, it could preserve Mario greatness for generations to come.

Did you realize there's been at least one new mainstream Pokemon game every year since 2009? Platinum, Heart Gold/Soul Silver, Black/White, Black/White Version 2, X/Y, and Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire. That's either six or 11 games, depending on whether you count each version as a separate title. Even for a clinically diagnosed Pokemanic, that's a whole lotta Pokemon.

Pokemon's wide world full of monsters to capture, gym leaders to beat, and towns to explore was mindblowing the first time out. And it still has all that! But… it's not really mindblowing any more. I mean, one of the bullet points for Pokemon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire is that you can put Pikachu in a frilly pink dress. Yes, Pikachu is really cute in a frilly pink dress. But the creators and fans alike deserve a new Pokemon game that takes advantage of the last decade and a half of advancements in technology and game design, rather than just building on the same old fundamentals. The only way that's gonna happen is if Pokemon takes a few years off. Yes, it would be a painful wait, but it would be so worth it.

Remember when Battlefield was the freewheeling, massive-online-antics-encouraging underdog to Call of Duty? It still is! It just doesn't feel that way, because months of online issues have taken their toll on Battlefield 4's reputation. In a better world, the most questionable thing about Battlefield 4 would be the term 'Levolution' as we look back on fond memories of .

Now we're coming up on the cool-looking but poorly timed Battlefield Hardline, which is a game about cops breaking the rules to see that justice is done in a culture that's become painfully aware of its militarized police force. That's not going to need a problematic launch to get people angry. I don't expect EA and DICE to cancel Hardline or anything, but maybe this is fate's way of telling them to just, y'know, slow it down a bit… after you ship Star Wars Battlefront, anyway. God, I need me some Battlefront.

Yeah, yeah, you knew this was coming. But seriously. We've been doing this every year since 2006, when Call of Duty 2 released on PC and as a launch game for Xbox 360. Think about that - ever since the beginning of the last console generation, we've gone no longer than 12 months without a new mainstream Call of Duty. To be fair, it would be kind of a shock to stop now. Kids who were in elementary school when they were inadvisably allowed to play the first game are graduating high school now. And they've never had a holiday season without a new Call of Duty since.

But it just can't last forever. Sales seem to be slowing down, giving Activision's relative quiet on the series' recent performance. That's a shame, given GR+'s review - clearly the series still has a lot of fight left as it enters its golden years. It just needs to slow down a bit, or else it might break its hip.

I could talk about how Sonic's lost his way for years, and how the wounded trust and enthusiasm will only heal if given enough time. But far better than I could.

On the other hand, I have a bit more emotional distance from the blue hedgehog. Given enough time, I think Sonic still could come back. In fact, that's the main problem - he just never has enough time. We've gotten at least one new Sonic game every two years ever since 2001 - going from Adventure Battles to Secret Rings to Werehogs to Colors to Lost Worlds to Booms. The poor little guy has been literally run ragged, and he needs to sit down for a minute and drink some Gatorade. Give him and Sonic Team a few years to get their heads right and they can come back and wow us again.

I've got to give Ubisoft credit for annualizing the seemingly unannualizable. Shooters or sports games have an established pattern for this sort of thing, but getting a yearly production line going for a semi-historical open-world action game complete with huge, intricate cities, and a complex plot? That's pretty impressive. Unfortunately, after the buggy and one-step-forward, one-step-back showing that was Assassin's Creed Unity, it looks like the wheels may be coming off.

Assassin's Creed has become an unlikely flagship franchise for Ubisoft, and I'm worried that its goodwill is burning off. Not just for the company's sake, but moreso because I really like the idea of Assassin's Creed. Running around historical cities and rubbing elbows with/killing their important figures is still really cool. But no matter how many thousands of developers you throw at a good idea, sometimes it just needs a little bit more time to breathe. Don't let Assassin's Creed suffocate, Ubisoft.

But really, this is all coming from a place of love. Somebody just needs to get those franchises a pair of oversized novelty sunglasses and a Mai Tai before they work themselves to death. Of course, they're not the only ones who could use a little time out of the spotlight. What franchises do you think need to take a break? Let me know in the comments!

Want some more truth distilled into Top 7 form? Check out the and the worst ways games insult your intelligence.

We all need a vacation sometimes. Whether you go off on a big adventure, visit family back home, or just refuse to leave your apartment for an extended period of time, it's tough to overstate how much a nice, long break can improve your quality of life. Yeah, it may be tough to get back to real life afterwards, but chances are your time off will be apparent in the quality of your work. Unless you really hate your job… in which case, sorry.

That doesn't just apply for people, either. Some of the biggest video game franchises on shelves today (and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that…) could really use a break. I don't mean to be harsh here - it's tough for anyone to keep the creative spark on the same kind of project year in and year out. That's why these franchises deserve to go dark for a bit and come back better than ever.

Resident Evil has always had a kind of kooky backstory, given its endless stream of double crosses and massive corporate/governmental conspiracies. But Resident Evil 6's three (four if you count Ada's sidestory) interjoining campaigns cranked the whole thing up for a sort of narrative judgment day. Clones, amnesia, dead presidents, secret illegitimate children, seemingly endless new varieties of creepy mutant baddies - it was, um, definitely over the top.

That's not necessarily a bad thing - like I said, Resident Evil's always been a bit bonkers. But recently all the twists, turns, and doubling back have gotten a bit tiresome. Frankly, that's one of the reasons I'm looking forward to Resident Evil Revelations 2 - it takes place before Resident Evil 6 and tells its own discrete story with characters we haven't seen much of since the early days of the series. If the franchise itself took a few years off and came back with a reboot, I'd love to see the main cast discover the horror all over again. Minus the clones and dead presidents.

Do you remember back when you could get excited about a game just because it had 'Mario' in the title? Even if you hated tennis or racing games, you knew that no product could bear the plumber's mustachioed visage unless it lived up to Nintendo's stringent standards of accessibility, fun, and challenge (or unless it was a licensed edutainment title like Mario is Missing).

Nowadays, you can be sure that a game with "Mario" in the title… has Mario in it. Also probably Luigi, Peach, and Bowser. You can even be confident that it will be pretty good. But it just doesn't guarantee greatness like it used to. Between Tennis, Golf, Party, Maker, Kart, Olympic Games, New Super Mario Bros., and all the rest, Mario has, like, a Starbucks-level franchising operation going here. And just like Starbucks, that ubiquity can make for mediocrity, even with modern classics like Super Mario 3D World and Mario Kart 8 surfacing with some regularity. It's not too late by any stretch - if Nintendo just reins it in a bit, it could preserve Mario greatness for generations to come.

Did you realize there's been at least one new mainstream Pokemon game every year since 2009? Platinum, Heart Gold/Soul Silver, Black/White, Black/White Version 2, X/Y, and Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire. That's either six or 11 games, depending on whether you count each version as a separate title. Even for a clinically diagnosed Pokemanic, that's a whole lotta Pokemon.

Pokemon's wide world full of monsters to capture, gym leaders to beat, and towns to explore was mindblowing the first time out. And it still has all that! But… it's not really mindblowing any more. I mean, one of the bullet points for Pokemon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire is that you can put Pikachu in a frilly pink dress. Yes, Pikachu is really cute in a frilly pink dress. But the creators and fans alike deserve a new Pokemon game that takes advantage of the last decade and a half of advancements in technology and game design, rather than just building on the same old fundamentals. The only way that's gonna happen is if Pokemon takes a few years off. Yes, it would be a painful wait, but it would be so worth it.

Remember when Battlefield was the freewheeling, massive-online-antics-encouraging underdog to Call of Duty? It still is! It just doesn't feel that way, because months of online issues have taken their toll on Battlefield 4's reputation. In a better world, the most questionable thing about Battlefield 4 would be the term 'Levolution' as we look back on fond memories of .

Now we're coming up on the cool-looking but poorly timed Battlefield Hardline, which is a game about cops breaking the rules to see that justice is done in a culture that's become painfully aware of its militarized police force. That's not going to need a problematic launch to get people angry. I don't expect EA and DICE to cancel Hardline or anything, but maybe this is fate's way of telling them to just, y'know, slow it down a bit… after you ship Star Wars Battlefront, anyway. God, I need me some Battlefront.

Yeah, yeah, you knew this was coming. But seriously. We've been doing this every year since 2006, when Call of Duty 2 released on PC and as a launch game for Xbox 360. Think about that - ever since the beginning of the last console generation, we've gone no longer than 12 months without a new mainstream Call of Duty. To be fair, it would be kind of a shock to stop now. Kids who were in elementary school when they were inadvisably allowed to play the first game are graduating high school now. And they've never had a holiday season without a new Call of Duty since.

But it just can't last forever. Sales seem to be slowing down, giving Activision's relative quiet on the series' recent performance. That's a shame, given GR+'s review - clearly the series still has a lot of fight left as it enters its golden years. It just needs to slow down a bit, or else it might break its hip.

I could talk about how Sonic's lost his way for years, and how the wounded trust and enthusiasm will only heal if given enough time. But far better than I could.

On the other hand, I have a bit more emotional distance from the blue hedgehog. Given enough time, I think Sonic still could come back. In fact, that's the main problem - he just never has enough time. We've gotten at least one new Sonic game every two years ever since 2001 - going from Adventure Battles to Secret Rings to Werehogs to Colors to Lost Worlds to Booms. The poor little guy has been literally run ragged, and he needs to sit down for a minute and drink some Gatorade. Give him and Sonic Team a few years to get their heads right and they can come back and wow us again.

I've got to give Ubisoft credit for annualizing the seemingly unannualizable. Shooters or sports games have an established pattern for this sort of thing, but getting a yearly production line going for a semi-historical open-world action game complete with huge, intricate cities, and a complex plot? That's pretty impressive. Unfortunately, after the buggy and one-step-forward, one-step-back showing that was Assassin's Creed Unity, it looks like the wheels may be coming off.

Assassin's Creed has become an unlikely flagship franchise for Ubisoft, and I'm worried that its goodwill is burning off. Not just for the company's sake, but moreso because I really like the idea of Assassin's Creed. Running around historical cities and rubbing elbows with/killing their important figures is still really cool. But no matter how many thousands of developers you throw at a good idea, sometimes it just needs a little bit more time to breathe. Don't let Assassin's Creed suffocate, Ubisoft.

But really, this is all coming from a place of love. Somebody just needs to get those franchises a pair of oversized novelty sunglasses and a Mai Tai before they work themselves to death. Of course, they're not the only ones who could use a little time out of the spotlight. What franchises do you think need to take a break? Let me know in the comments!

Want some more truth distilled into Top 7 form? Check out the and the worst ways games insult your intelligence.